Win Arsenal? #IMPOSSIBRU!!!!

It's not every day that I made fun of Japanese. In fact, what I've said about Sora "no lewd jokes, please" Ma should not be interpreted as my brand of politically incorrect humour directed against... well, you get the drift.

Note to my fellow Boro-thers-in-arms: Above section is meant to be ignored. Just treat it as a mad man's raving. Below part is where the real fun comes.

Win Arsenal?

Optimism is at an all-time high. Or is it? Weirdly enough, the Teesside faithful are quietly confident of an upset. The only catch? Every Le Gooner feels the same towards us as well. Let me just say that our outing against Burnley was a hard done deal. Instead of getting burnt by the away team (which is arguably better than us, form-wise at least), we actually gave Burnley our Teesside burn for a large period of time. Make no mistakes about it, Sean "still not a douche" Dyche was out to win this. A look at his starting XI said it all. You have George "not a Kris" Boyd and Robbie "RoboBrad" Brady out wide with Joey "I have a Joe, I have a baton..." Barton in the central mid. Up front, they have Ashley "not a John" Barnes and Andre "50 Shots of Gray" Gray. If this doesn't look like a strong starting XI, it means you're smarter than José "O Especial" Mourinho, Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte, and Jürgen "Der Kop Kaiser" Klopp combined. In other words, you're a footballing Jew.

Suffice to say, Boro Steve's challenge is very simple, yet so difficult. Sounds like an oxymoron?

His challenge is very simple, it lies in the only thing he needs to set right. Namely, the correct balance between attack and defence. Under Señor, we're always running the risk of playing lopsided football. This is also the reason why this is also very difficult for him to get it right. We're racing against time, we're definitely on borrowed time. If we go down, I suspect the only person happy to bid us goodbye would be Alan "Captain Geordie" Shearer. Under Boro Steve, I truly hope the Teesside burn we gave to Burnley will be a sign of things to come.

As for Arsenal, I believe there's very little for me to say. However, let me try helping out in whatever manner possible. Let's see...

L'avant-garde

Arsène "Le Professeur d'Londres" Wenger will have to make a big call here. He has two choices to make. Will he want to go for pace and aggression? (e.g. Alexis "the smokin' gun" Sánchez) Or will he opt for physique and control? (e.g. Olivier "Le Chevalier d'Londres" Giroud)

What manner of L'avant-garde strategy Le Professeur opt to unleash will define his tactics. Period.

If it's the fast and furious, it means Les Gunners will be out to control the match via a four-man midfield. More specifically two holding mids and Mesut "Der Ottoman Turkish Delight" Özil. And then, there's one wide attacker tasked with holding down play and switching on the tempo in an instance. No such player, you say?

Believe it or not, Monsieur has been smiling like this ever since Super Santi signed for Arsenal.

If it's the strong and steady, it means Les Gunners will be out to play it fast and furious down the flanks. If Santi "El Alquimista" Cazorla starts, it means he will have to run more. At the same time, Les Gunners will be out to control the match via the attacking width since we all know their wide attackers are always smart enough to know when to hold the trigger and when to gun forward. This will also allow the holding mids more breathing space in case we break and counter. Question is, are we really good enough to do that on a consistent basis?

Note of self-fallacy: Thankfully, I discovered that Santi "El Alquimista" Cazorla is out injured. Not that I'm gloating. Rather, I'm relieved that I nearly made a fool of myself instead of... well, making a fool out of myself.

Les Cavaliers

The interesting part about Les Gunners' attack lies in an evenly spread out offence. What I mean is very simple: The anchoring point can be anywhere across the attacking trio behind the lone striker or the lone striker himself. In order to make this work, however, Monsieur Londres will have to make full use of his attacking wide players. If Boro Steve can guess correctly how his opposite number will play his centre-forward card, it may easily mean half the battle won. More or less, pace and aggression will be there. Question is, how often will they play it fast and furious instead of control and unleash?

L'Unique

There can only be one Special One. And I'm not talking about O Especial since his 90 mins were already over. I'm talking about a German Turk, I'm talking about the Ottoman Turkish Delight. Also known as Der Königsmacher, Özil is all about making kings out of goal scorers. In football, goals win you games. In football, goal difference means nothing without goals. In football, goals make a king like how a dearth of goals makes a pauper. If Özil is the fulcrum of all things offence and goals, it merely means one thing: Les Gunners will have to create tonnes of space for Der Königsmacher to exercise his authority as the core playmaker. Easy or difficult? It depends on the distance between the lone centre-forward and the two holding mids. It also depends on the distance between one wide attacker and the other. At the same time, there has to be one holding mid tasked with playing the ball forward, be it a 20 yard pass or 10 yard simple pass. We cannot afford to let this guy operate 15 yards behind the lone striker. If we do that, we die. Either we force him back or we force him out. Positionally speaking ofc.

Will this be Mission Impossibru?

I don't want to create any sense of false dawn here. Period. Probability merely means a long shot from what is absolute. What I can do, however, is to give Boro Steve some advice here.

1. Mind the fullbacks, our defensive width is arguably our Achilles heel. Our 16 million GBP man is out due to that loan rule restriction while I'm not sure whether our BFF leftback can be fit enough to match them pace for pace for the full 90 mins (not to mention surviving a few knocks or a Shawcross challenge). Les Gunners will be out to attack us down the flank. Worse come to worse, they will just tell their fullbacks to overlap and bomb us like a pair of B-2 Stealth Bombers.

2. Can we do a Big Uncle Sam? Laugh at him if you like, but there's nothing funny behind Big Uncle Sam dishing out the Fat Sam treatment last time round. Les Gunners were outmuscled, therefore they ended up getting outfought (not mention as well getting outrun like hell as well). Les Gunners were trampled by a 10 tonne XI. Period. More specifically, it's the space between their holding six and attacking four. And it has got nothing to do with that disastrous pass which may have cost Les Gunners a loss worth a whopping 35 million quids (NOT literally speaking ofc).

3. We can do decently well when it comes to holding down the ball. But what about going forward? Technically, we're better than some of the teams above us, believe it or not. Against the masters of cavalier football, we're nothing. If we can't gun forward fast enough, it means we must still try emulating Big Uncle Sam even though chances are that we can't reach that kind of 10 tonne XI level. Big Uncle Sam opted for two supersonic wingers against Les Gunners in the form of Wilfried "fried by his pace" Zaha and Andros "not a Stuart" Townsend. Monsieur Wenger will be telling his lads that we have nothing like that kind of players. And guess what? He's right if truly so.

4. If we can't do a thing on the attacking width, it means our central midfield area will be where the battle shall be won or lost. We cannot afford to let them breach the middle 3rd because they will exploit our defensive width like a pack of wolves chasing after a lagging deer. We must defend our defensive width at all costs (minus unwanted injury to our BFF St George ofc). We must be fast and decisive in playing the ball from the centre. We must be fast and aggressive in breaking up play and running box to box.

And above all, passing accuracy will mean a great deal for us. Make or break for us, to be exact.

The Burnley Burn

Well, there goes the season for us. Burnt by the hell called Hull, chances are that we'll get burnt the second time round today.

Against Hull: What we did right

Plenty will have been said about whether we'd lost the match this badly if Señor had not been sacked. As much as I still have doubts over Boro Steve's ability to lead from the base, I have to say such speculation is anything but fair. The counter-argument can easily go like "would we have scored if Señor is still around?"

To put things into proper perspective, there's no difference between a glass half-empty and a glass half-full. Period.

Ultimately, the only thing we did right was scoring. That's all.

Against Hull: What we did wrong

Thirteen times worse than the movie Jason Goes to Hell: Final Friday. Our defending was really that bad. Or was it? There's nothing wrong with Boro Steve going with 4-4-2, this I agreed with Anthony "not the Vicks VapoRub" Vickers. Things only went pear-shaped for us like the Braxit once we drew first blood (nothing to do with a woman's underwear, it's all about Anguished Angelina and Bereaved Brad).

I once said something about Marco "young like a Rubio, wise like a Polo" Silva's four by two. In that post, I said the only way for us to get something out of the match was to throw a spanner between their 4 men in the middle and 2 blokes up front (well, not entirely true, but you get the drift). I won't be surprised if that's how we get the first goal. The only problem? Solo Para Siempre scored too early. In the 4th minute to be exact if I remember correctly.

Ultimately, Boro Steve's comments may have indicated a middle 4 too gung-ho for the back 4. Not their back 4, but our very own back 4. Boro Steve's deep lying approach is reminiscent of what Señor had done, much to his own detriment (I'll have to admit that his stubborn approach may have done his CV plenty of harm. Which may be why O Especial is trying to do something about it if this report is to be trusted). Boro Steve has to make the greatest decision of his career. Will he want to tank it like Señor or dare it like yours truly?

No one is telling him to play ball like Barcelona, no one is telling him to kill the lads in the most physical manner possible. We need to be tactically daring if we're to draw first blood again in the early stage. We need to be more literally daring when it comes to parking the back 4. So how do we do it?

Answer: We do it against Burnley

I have to give it to Sean "still not a douche" Dyche. Of all the English managers I've seen, he's the most exceptional bloke (together with Eddie "The Once and Future Knight" Howe) when it comes to man-motivation and man-management. Firstly, let me just say that we have sent the wrong message to him and his Claret boys. We have told them that it's okay not to sit back. We have told them it's okay to start a fight anywhere in the middle third. In fact, we have told them it's okay to unleash Joey "I got a Joe, I got a baton" Barton so long he doesn't start fightin' round the world.

Let me be this clear. We need to be more literally daring by playing the back 4 further up. If we want to get goals, we have to start from the back. The key reason behind Señor's failure wasn't due to 4-2-3-1. Technically, 4-2-3-1 is also considered as a 2 striker system (that is so long you have a 2nd striker in the hole 9). Problem with Señor's approach is very simple: He was playing his cards too deep near the goal. As a result, Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo became... well, Solo Para Siempre. At the same time, whoever playing hole 9 has to run more back and forth. This was also the reason why pairing up Stewart "hope he's not down and out" Downing and Cristhian "never an Arnie on the right" Stuani means less assurance of 3 pts in the bag.

At the same time, we need to be tactically daring. I believe the problem with us against Hull was due to not knowing what to do with an early lead. If we sit back, they will boss the game. If we pour forward... well, we all know what happened by the time the final whistle was blown. Silva has really given Boro Steve a harsh lesson in tactics. Yes, there's a need to throw in the spanner between the four men and two. When he played a 4-4-2, did we know what it means? It means shifting the four-man focus to the back while giving the wide players and strikers more off-ball running in the midfield and attacking 3rd! Tactically speaking, it means either Boro Steve would have to fall back or take a risk in order to disrupt Silva's four by two. He chose the latter, we're duly punished for that. And this is what it means to be tactically daring: Better to send the wrong message early than to do so in the later stage.

I'm not saying it's right to send the wrong message. Rather, I'm talking about choosing between the aforementioned two. After all, no one likes to send the wrong message if the right message is available.

As for Dyche and Clarets

I won't be surprised if they're gonna start this deep and trying to end this on a high. Once the kick-off starts, they're more likely to play this deep. Don't let this fool you in the sense that this won't persist for the entire 90 minutes. We're there for the taking. Somewhere in the game, Burnley is gonna push further up. This team can pose plenty of problems down the width and box to box. I still remember George "not a Kris" Boyd trolling us non-stop down the flank like George "Best of the best in Belfast, some say even in the world" Best. If something can happen once, it can happen again. In particular, our 2nd choice fullbacks are anything but assuring. Trust me when I say Boyd will dribble it like Best.

When it comes to the central mid, I'm pretty sure Dyche won't wield the axe. His choice of attacking wide men is where the game will be won or lost (mainly because a draw means a loss for us). When it comes to the fullbacks, be prepared for many an English artillery coming our way.

P.S: I'm recovering from a wee bout of flu right now. Also, I need to sate my gaming/writing fix until 10 pm (Singapore timezone).

Friday the 13th: Boro goes to Hull

Let me be this damn straightforward: Boro Steve's current performance has done nothing to ward off my worst fear. Namely, if Señor would get us relegated by end of season, Boro Steve will most likely get us relegated at the bottom of the table. Okay, I know that's a hyperbole. Then again, our season has been a bloody hyperbole so far.

Against Swansea: My verdict

We're definitely better than Bonny and Clyde. In other words, we got away from the Liberty Stadium with a point where in fact, we should have gotten beat 10-0. True to their home ground's name, those hundred-year-old Welsh Swans were playing with plenty of liberty under Paul "not the walrus" Clement. Amazingly enough, the Swans were unable to do a single thing in the final third. Either it is down to dumb luck or some great genius was helping us in the same way the famed strategist Zhang Liang was able to aid Liu Bang leagues and miles away during the Chu-Han conflict.

Okay, enough about the history of China. Let's talk about Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente. Clement actually stated that without El Trasero, the Swans were playing like a walrus named Paul instead of a genius named... well, Paul. Okay, that was a lie from yours truly. Swansea Paul never mentioned the walrus.

"You do miss him because he's a big focal point, That's not to say Jordan Ayew didn't play well - he gave us another dynamic Fernando doesn't have - but when you're crossing a lot of balls into the box, Llorente is a miss."
-Swansea Paul

Swansea Paul, however, chose to hide his real hand in this case. And it's up to me to expose him like the Kindaichi Hajime of Singapore.

A tall, large, and physically powerful player, Llorente's main traits are his heading ability and strength in the air, which enable him to function effectively as a target-man in the centre of his team's attacking line. He is also known for his offensive movement, positional sense, and goalscoring ability inside the penalty area; additionally, he is also gifted with good technical skills and link-up play, which allows him to play well with his back to goal and hold up the ball for his team mates in order to create space and scoring opportunities.
-Don't quote me on this one, please

Playing with his arse facing the goal, this was exactly the reason why Swansea Paul sorely missed his El Trasero. Don't get me wrong, Jordan "not a Michael" Ayew is a good player. His pace and direct playing style should go well for the team against Spurs. However, I doubt he's able to hold up play with arse facing the goal like El Trasero himself. What this means is very simple.

1. If you're Ben "His Royal Gibbo Highness" Gibson, would you dare to tackle El Trasero from behind? If your answer is yes, you get a red. And I don't mean a free front seat ticket to Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift's concert.

2. If you're Gylfi "name sounds like some epic fantasy novel hero" Sigurðsson, would you be in a hurry to link up play once El Trasero has the ball at his feet? (not to mention as well with his arse facing the goal) If your answer is no, it means you're actually spot on.

3. If you're a pacy winger, would you be so stupid not to cut in from the width?

With that, I rest my case.

Meltdown down the centre

It didn't look good for the last 20 minutes or so. Under Señor, no one would have hit a meltdown. Against Swansea, we experienced a meltdown from the frontline down till the central midfield. While we have to thank someone (or just about anyone else) for the fact that our backline never melted like solid chocolate over a raging fire. We're guilty of sending the wrong message to our next opponent, let alone opponents for the next N matches till the end of the season. This is surely a horror show thirteen times worse than Jason Goes to Hell (notice the pun in the post title?).

Boro Goes to Hull: Our Final Wednesday

By the time we reach our next Wednesday fixture, the writing would have already been on the wall. Will our survival bid end up like the end of Babylon? Or will we emerge victorious like the Persians and Medes?

If there's a silver lining behind our sub-par 180 mins so far, it'd be Boro Steve stumbling on a magic formula during our Man Utd match. Unlike Ronald "not a McDonald" Koeman, I've yet to see enough to call Boro Steve a master tactician. Yet, we must not take credit away when and where it's due. Plenty may have been said about Rudy "GET IN THERE, GESTEDE!!!!" Gestede's costly miss, but I need to point out the fact that two players made a whole world of difference against José "O Especial" Mourinho's not-so-special Utd. The first is Adama "looking far better than Djimi" Traoré, the other is none other than Gestede. We have pace and aggression in the former, physique and athleticism in the latter. It's no coincidence that Boro Steve's first two subs went to the two of them, it's no bloody miracle that we turned the tables ONLY after the black duo came off the bench and onto the pitch.

If Gestede's miss is a sign of things to come, then Boro Steve should just go for broke and play him up front. Alone by himself, I doubt he can do anything more than missing a 3 yard sitter. With Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo, it means a different tactical story. We have nothing to lose. Period. Unlike Blackpool's maiden Premier League voyage under the leadership of Ian "he talks like me in the same way I talk like him" Holloway, we were never guilty of scoring plenty. That was when Señor was still around. With Boro Steve around, I'd rather we take a 4-4-2 risk since I'm not interested in knowing how long our backline will hold firm without the Spanish master of Spanish organisation. Negredo's isolation lies in two factors. Namely, a prolonged spell of being marooned up front and aging legs. The latter factor is more damning since that would have greatly hampered his ability to track back. If only he had signed for Swansea...

Which now comes to this amigo below...

Marco "young like a Rubio, wise like a Polo" Silva, what can I say about him? Young, daring, and a Champions League gaffer. Perhaps much more than Señor, he's looking like the defensive counterpart of Eddie "The Once and Future Knight" Howe. More than us (and Sunderland), Hull deserves the Great Escape (a feat most memorably done by Gus "Me Gusta!" Poyet and Sunderland years ago).

I've seen the Hull team sheet under his stewardship, I knew straightaway the core of his game. Namely, a compact midfield of 4 men across the pitch. However, blood and thunder can only give any team this much. Boro Steve claimed to know plenty about the team, but does he know much about the quicksilver tactician named Silva?

First things first, Hull City seems to have a massive love for a robust midfield game. Under Steve "the boss, not the assistant" Bruce, focus of the midfield went to the width where dynamic wingers were amply supported by a capable central midfield. Under Silva, I have no reason to believe things have changed. That is apart from the focus. As a team out to do a Great Escape, Hull City could ill-afford to do either a Holloway Blackpool or a Me Gusta! Sunderland. The team isn't meant to play surface to surface artillery. More likely a team suited for surface to air. Against West Ham, Hull played a 3-4-1-2 against a more illustrious 4-2-3-1. By pulling back the flat four, Hull would have ample time and space to clamp down possession with that one fellow (more specifically Lazar "the Laser" Marković) playing Wesley "the Pass Sniper" Sneijder behind the attacking two. A direct firing squad is what Hull did right unlike us. A rock solid midfield is what Hull did right, something which we need to match.

Key to win, lose, or draw lies in how high (or low for that matter) quicksilver Silva will play his midfield. At the same time, the space between a flat 4 and the next 2 players further up will be where the battle shall be won (or lost for that matter). The moment we let Hull boss that area, we die and Boro goes to hell by going to Hull. The moment we're able to stamp out mark there... well, to quote someone famous for sending entire countries into retirement 4 teh lolz...

The King of Retirement (or rather the lack thereof) was the reason why we stood a chance against Utd. Period.

Battle of Camlann, anyone?

The inevitable has finally happened. Señor got sacked and Steve "you better not laugh, Steve Ang Eng Hock" Agnew now has to play the Steward of Gondor. While I'm not about to insinuate who is Denethor II and who is Aragorn II Elessar here, I decided to help out in any manner I'm able to.

Before I start... my fellow Boro fans can skip this part

The reason why is very simple. It's just a little rant on my life. You see, I've been used to being talked down. No one gave me a two hoots chance to be a decent human being (read: earning a decent income via a decent job). At this point of time, I'm left with this question: Do my family understand me? The difference between being addicted to PC games and being a freak in concentration lies in whether the other person really understands you. I'm not sure whether my mother understands her son. Period. Therefore, I'm going to tag the usual suspects for this post. Not the least my sister.

Note: Actually come to think of it, I believe my super mignonne legal housebreaker actually understands me. Just that she has yet to enter my life officially.

Add note: I still remember someone during my NSF days in 32 SIB saying this to me.

CPL: You have a Chrisitan name?

Me: No.

CPL: Then you should be called Roger.

Me: Why?

CPL: BECAUSE YOU'RE 弱智!!!!

If you don't understand Chinese, it's okay. Basically, the Chinese characters mean "retarded". Going by the pronunciation, it really sounds like Roger. While we all know who is Roger the Rabbit, I doubt my CPL knew who was Roger the Swiss back then.

Okay, my fellow Boro fans... you all can switch on now

Will our season end up like the Charlton match last season? Back then, we got a rumoured bust-up between boss and subordinate(s). The boss has to sit back at home, Agnew was the man in charge for the 90 minutes. Now let me be this frank: I didn't think Agnew is the one to lead us forward should there be a second Le Révolution Française (for those who need Google translate, it means The French Revolution in... well, French). That was back then, I'll not pull back any punches by saying he's got much more to prove than Señor. Of course, I may be proven wrong. I'm always happy to see people do that when it comes to judgement of character, believe it or not. Last time round when Rafa "if he's the Nadal of football, then who should be that Federer?" Benítez took over Chelsea. My prediction was that he would screw the club. Ultimately, he proved me wrong.

Now the interesting situation Agnew may now be facing is that of a lesser stress. Yes, we all are still sweating over the fears of relegation. Unlike last time round, however, Agnew doesn't have to live in another person's shadow right now. So what should Agnew do to enhance his CV by end of the season?

A/N: To Alan "Captain Britain" Shearer, my message to you is "don't laugh". Period. Remember what happened to Newcastle last time round? Even if we're to get relegated, it won't give you any end-of-season bonus from your boss.

Backroom staff

It's a no-brainer for me to say Boro Steve should just keep everyone else. While this may present a risk in authority being undermined, this can also be seen as a test of character. If anyone wants to leave, let him leave. If anyone wants to stay, let him stay. On the other hand, I doubt Boro Steve would have the time to gather his backroom staff anyway...

One person of note would be  Leo "El León" Percovich. Boro Steve has to keep him. Yes, he's a visible page of the Karanka era. However, this only means said history is full of the good things (Let's admit it, lads and ladies. We wouldn't have gotten promotion without Señor. Period). In fact, there was this one time where he hulked up during a Championship fixture. I forgot which one, but I'm sure my fellow Boro-thers in arms would have remembered such a moment.

It feels so much like the Beatles' "Yesterday"...

A glaring pattern which I've noticed so far on Señor's signings is the fact that 90% of them are Spanish. Even though Adama "will he be the black George Best or the next Djimi?" Traoré isn't one, we all know he can speak Spanish because of Barcelona. Given Percovich's charisma (or at least that what I perceived from him) and the fact that he's an Uruguayan (even though the name Percovich sounds weirdly Serbian), he can play the bridge between Boro Steve and players like Gastón "hopefully still El Bestia Bello" Ramírez and Cristhian "still no Arnie on the right" Stuani.

In the event where Boro Steve got the Boro job from his namesake boss, who should he get as no.2? Or rather, who should be the first pick? Two names come to mind. The first will be Dave "the Mars bars wrapper guy" Parnaby. We need a stabilising factor in the light of whatever going on, both behind the scenes and on the pitch. Our Mars bars wrapper guy is definitely our Stan the Man if you're to ask me. The other person would be Fabrizio "will he be our Caesar Favoloso Aurelius?" Ravanelli. If our Mars bars wrapper guy represents the safe side of my advice, then our Caesar (?) Favoloso (?) Aurelius (?) would be that risk-taking aspect. Why I say that is very simple. Ravanelli got sacked before in the land of Franks. Since he has already stated the desire to be Boro's Next Top Gaffer, why not give him a chance? Like Boro Steve, I doubt he's the right man. Like Boro Steve, I'm looking forward to seeing whether he can prove me wrong.

Note: Because Ravanelli was part of the coaching staff of La Fidanzata d'Italia from 2011 to 2013, I decided to go Google search on who was the head coach back then. After all, the head coach may easily tell us a thing or two. You're not gonna believe my bullshit. If you think I'm really bullshitting, go Google search unless you're in China (then again, I doubt you'll be able to read this if you're really in China).

Add note: There's a good reason why I use La Fidanzata d'Italia instead of the more commonly known Juventus. I just want to impress my super mignonne legal housebreaker.

The players (because no formation can work without them)

The fans want a 4-4-2 asap. The reason why being that this is a 2 striker system. However, it must also be stated that 4-2-3-1 can also be seen as another form of 2 striker system so long the correct guy is playing in the hole. Back when Jürgen "Der Kop" Klopp was bossing both Borussia Dortmund and the Bundesliga, one player was scoring for free and I'm not referring to Robert "the Poles are still waiting for their Lews Therin Telamon" Lewandowski. It's Kagawa "he may have made the Kagawa Prefecture famous" Shinji. Despite not being a striker per se, he's still playing like a second striker. Which means with the right players, you can easily do a two-striker system with a 4-2-3-1. Don't forget, we still have Patrick "he's waiting to go BAM! BAM! BAM!" Bamford.

Because I don't want to give Boro Steve too much stress (after all, I'm gonna post this at the relevant Boro FB page), let me just focus on one aspect of the team and one player.

Aspect of the team: Midfield

You may think I'm barking mad like Ian "he's funny and crazy like me" Holloway. After all, we need goals! However, it must be stated that a great midfield will always contribute to a great attack. If the fans want to see our lads entering attack mode, something needs to be fixed where the midfield is concerned. If I tell you three holding mids are good enough, you'd most likely think I've gone off my rocker. And quite rightfully so. It's not rocket science, I don't have to be a Jewish rocket scientist to tell you THIS BS APPROACH WON'T WORK!!!!!

It's a no-brainer, we need someone to link up play from the midfield to the attack. We need a good midfield to retain possession and play it forward. Sounds like a tall ask? We have Viktor "yet to be crowned King Fischer I" Fischer the right Gastón, players who can play anywhere across the midfield. We have Adam "not Charles, but Stephen" Clayton who can win the ball and add some steel in the middle 3rd. As for Marten "he fights like a marten, he runs like the Roon" de Roon, I'd hate to see him go. Period.

Of course, there are also some notable names which I chose not to... well, name. After all, there's no point for me to do that. It's like telling me what do we need to do about our defence. My answer to this question?

Above statement means Señor was never guilty of messing things up when it comes to the defence. Just only the defence.

Aspect of the player: Stewart "will he keep us from going down?" Downing

A lot has been said about Downing's possible role last time around. This time round, the bust-up looks far more real than whatever bs journalism coming from the Sun concerning the Hillsborough tragedy last time round.

If Boro Steve wants to rally the troops ahead of time, perhaps Downing is the key. As a local Boro lad, he can earn himself the hero status by being the standard bearer. In war, you don't let your standard bearer go down. Likewise, it's high time for Downing to prove his worth. Under Big Uncle Sam at West Ham, he reinvented himself as a deep-lying midfielder passing the ball from the left side of a three-man midfield. If there's a weakness in him, it would be asking him to play further up (in other words, he would just go down faster than a bird shot dead in mid-flight).

The only role I can foresee him playing is the same role Big Uncle Sam gave him last time round. We can laugh at the Fat Sam football logic, but there's no denying that West Ham was never guilty of play the Fat Sam football under Big Uncle Sam last time round.

However, this approach will only work if we have two wide players eager to run back and forth like two Anglo-Saxons frothing in the mouth. Either that or we may need to play the real Fischer and the right Gastón at the flanks.

P.S: Please note that 4-3-3 and 4-2-3-1 may present a great deal of difference to each other if Downing is to play that midfield fulcrum.

Will we make that Potter look stupid?

Well, guess what? Alan "Captain Britain" Shearer must be laughing like a looney waiting to be sent to the asylum. Prior to this season, he predicted we'll get relegated. Fast forward to 2017 and we're really guilty of making him look like a prophet. Never mind the fact that Gareth "Gawain or Beaumains?" Southgate got the England job ahead of him (let alone the chances of him actually being smarter than his more illustrious compatriot). The fact is, we will need someone smarter than Harry Potter to save us from the drop. Last time round, we got Terry "E.T" Venables bailing out Bryan "was Captain Britain before Shearer" Robson. This time round... well, I guess Señor will be better off relying on Harry Potter.

Of course, we all know Harry Potter is fictional. But what if crazy things are capable of happening in the world of football? If Emma "not a Stone, but still a talented Emma" Watson was guilty of shocking feminists all over the world by giving men an additional excuse to indulge in sexual fantasies, what makes us think we can't pull off a Bonny and Clyde against a team synonymous with Harry Potter?

Note: Because I'm may be planning to up my Boro-related posts on the Middlesbrough F.C Till We Die Facebook page where I'm the only Asian alive there, it means I'll have to put all things Boro on top of the list first.

Add note: To those in that Facebook page, you only need to read the first part unless you got nothing better to do.

More add note: Gonna tag my cousin Mark. Blame Hughes, don't blame me.

Boro, Potters, and the wish to gte our very own Harry

We are in trouble. The goals are not coming and we're losing the plot 1-0 at a time. Only a fool will expect a Harry to bail us out. Yet, the romantic in us will always play the rebel. Doesn't matter if it's Harry Houdini, Harry Potter, or the real life Harry Lee Kuan Yew who have sadly passed away years ago.

Against the Potters, what must we do to ensure a win? As improbable and crazy this may sound, it's still possible. After all, no one expected Hermione Granger to pose topless last time round.

If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VIP, what will be your answer? If it's Joe "not his fault to be called a Xavi Joe" Allen, you're right. If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VVIP, what will be your answer?

If you don't know the answer to my second question, it's fine. I don't expect people to think like me since we're all born to be unique as human beings.

Firstly, let's assume the people at Sky are not misleading me with the formation. The reason why being that during match days, the formation sheet they put is no different from a magic trick done by David "not the son of Jesse" Blaine. To make things even more insane, it's always about Boro's matches.

The first list was Stoke versus Watford. Why I chose Watford is because we're quite similar to the Hornets when it comes ball retention (read: minus the passing). As for Crystal Palace, it is because our defensive organisation reads quite a bit like parking Fat Sam in front of the goal (okay, I know that's very evil of me to use the Fat Sam derby logic as an inspiration).

Two players stood out for me. Apart from Xavi Joe ofc.

The first one is Charlie "not a Chaplin" Adam. The other one? The guy who got to know Xavi Joe's fellow Welsh in the most ironic fashion.

Whether the Gooners like it or not, Shawcross has matured as a player since that horror tackle. In order to make Mark "not my cousin Mark" Hughes' formation work, Shawcross' industry and organisation is integral. In fact, his presence in the heart of all things defending is the reason why Hughes' midfield is purring like happy cat right now.

As for Adam, his presence means one thing. The ability to pass the ball forward. It may sound banal, but trust me when I say it gives Allen the license to roam forward. This approach would ensure Stoke maintaining its defensive shape after the ball has been played into the opponent's half. At the same time, this tandem of 2A (wait, why am I making it sound as if they're some K-pop idol boy band?) will ensure Stoke being able to stretch the play from their own defensive 3rd to our defensive 3rd.

In other words, playing it deep like what we always do is never an option against Stoke. Especially given that we'll be playing at their home ground. We won't have enough firepower to bother Shawcross and we may not even last 45 mins without conceding. The quality of Xavi Joe and Marko "the real Arnie on the right" Arnautović means we can't camp inside our 20 yard greenhouse hoping for a set piece smash and grab. They'll just make us pay for our cowardice. And that's not considering Saido "last name sounds Brazilian" Berahino as part of Hughes' plans as well.

Things we must do:
Firstly, we need to come out fighting. If we can't do a thing about their attacking four, we take the fight to them via the space between their backline and firing squad. We have to first assume Hughes will be stretching play from one end of the pitch to the other. We can't assume other possibilities because... well, there's no point thinking so much.

Assuming we're able to do that, it means Hughes will be forced to make a decision. Will he play the backline higher in order to close us down or will he want the firing squad to fall back?

The first option will ensure Stoke being able to maintain the pressure. However, it will also give our backline some much-needed breathing space since we're now so well-known for doing siege tactics right from the whistle (that is so long our midfield don't mess this up). The second option is all about a counter-offensive approach where Hughes will have to make every foray count. Which will basically give Señor more reasons to do a Fat Sam in front of goal.

On the first glance, we're in trouble. However, I don't see a reason why we can't win this one even though it's their own turf. If there should be a lesson learnt from the Palace defeat, it'd be the midfield. Big Uncle Sam played a 4-1-4-1. This should have been a warning sign that he's out to seize the initiative instead of sitting back like always. In the first half, we're totally gimped in the middle 3rd. If we do this again this weekend, we deserved to be killed 3-0 or even 4-0.

Key to our survival would be the midfield. Not just the middle 3, mind you. But the five amigos, whoever they will be. We need the holding mids, the wide attacking mids, and central attacking mid. We can't have a weak link anywhere in the middle more than anywhere else. Unlike Palace, Stoke is not a guaranteed prawn sandwich (read: if compacting the defence, midfield, and attack doesn't sound like making a sandwich, I don't know what else is).

Okay, time to wind down and cool down...

Let's talk about the greatest shock happening so far in the past few weeks. Even more than a topless shot featuring Hermione Granger, Luis "he actually did a Figo like Figo himself" Enrique announced "I quit" by end of this season. The Los Che faithful could be forgiven for having that déjà vu feeling if I say so myself. After all, Unai "not some Spanish unagi" Emery did pretty much the same thing in his final season at the Mestalla (unfortunately for Peter "from El Santo to El Diablo" Lim, I think Monsieur Emery is currently enjoying his life of dual-citizenship atm).

Let's cut short the chase. So who are the forerunners and who is my ideal pick if I can have a say myself?

If there's any amigo whom Señor would love to have as his BFF on Facebook, it'd be Ernesto "El Zeus" Valverde. Both have deep ties with Athletic Bilbao, both are quite obviously Spanish, and... well, I guess Señor must have been a great admirer of his fellow Los Leones in a tactical sense. A great man of defensive organisation, a great organiser of fantastic football as well. Like Enrique, he made his name by starting from the bottom of the food chain (well, not literally, but you get me). Like Enrique, he has a positive history with Barca unlike Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

As someone who started off as a talented small fry like Enrique, I won't be surprised if part of Valverde's mentality does mirror that of Enrique. However, I'm not sure if he can fix Barca's defensive woes. Remember, folks. Before Enrique became famous at Barca, he had to prove himself via a lowly team named Celta Vigo. No offence intended to Los Célticos, but they don't have La Masia and dinero aplenty.

I'm a very terrible person, yes I know that. If the above 3 panel strip looks like someone praying for money, only to strike lottery, that's because I've got a warped sense of humour no thanks to the system of idiocracy that goes something like this. Outspoken and outright charismatic, it's no surprise that Jorge "pretty sure his agent isn't Jorge Mendes" Sampaoli managed to vanquish whatever possible trauma resulting from Emery's departure where Sevilla is concerned. Whether he gets the nod depends on how well the people upstairs are willing to deal with a maverick in every sense of the word. Remember, folks. This Jorge is no Valdano or Mendes. He's Sampaoli and he does things his way. Either that or his highway. When we look at individuals like Sir A.Fergie, Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the late Steve Jobs, they proved one thing to every keen-eyed observer. And that is charisma is always divisive, that charisma has the potential to polarise views and divide opinions. Sampaoli's charisma can go a long way in galvanising the dressing room due to the absurdly high expectations piled upon a team like Barcelona. But the risk of this very same charisma sparking the ire of the boardroom is also very real. After all, having charisma means you have a strong character in real life.

Because I need to get to the most important part of my post asap, I have to cut this short. The last man on the list is a Johnny Foreigner from France. When we talk about Le Président, two things come to mind: François "he's being filled like a stuffed turkey atm" Fillon and white rights hysteria sparked by Marine "my pen is mightier than your sword!" Le Pen. And that's not to mention the third thing, namely François "why always François?!?" Hollande stepping down with nary a bite.

Then we have the third Le Président. Namely Laurent "hope Le Pen won't politicise his last name" Blanc. Currently living off his savings and searching for a job good enough for him, I find Le Président to be an interesting outsider here. His footballing philosophy won't fit Barca's aggressive tiki-taka. Yet, his style does mirror tiki-taka in the ball retention sense. Which means you won't see any team under Monsieur Blanc passing the ball sideways and backwards like what we're now doing in the northeast of England (interestingly enough, I actually made a joke tweet about this Monsieur taking over from Señor if things really go terribly wrong for us). If Monsieur Blanc is to be the next El Jefe, it means his immediate task is to ease the older players into retirement by finding a way to let them go out with all guns blazing. While at the same time blooding youngsters (and hopefully the next Xavi and Messi).

My verdict:

Most of the time, I enjoy going against the popular vote. I enjoy adopting the counter-intuitive approach just to make myself feel better. However, I have to say Valverde gets my nod. Firstly, Barca has a tradition of playing it safe when it comes to choosing the next top chief commander. They will never opt for any Tom, Dick, or Harry for the post. Even if it's Harry Potter, they won't consider him unless someone can prove to them Godric Gryffindor was related to the club.

Sampaoli is a good pick when it comes to philosophy and charisma, but what he also represents is unfamiliar territory due to what I said above. I doubt the boardroom will be so daring to throw the die so as to speak. And this is not considering whether his charisma will create problems for the boardroom even if every member of the dressing room votes for him.

As for Blanc, his philosophy won't sit well with the boardroom. However, his man-management skill is something which Barca needs urgently if what Guillem "not #GB11" Balague implied is really true.

["...There is a lack of synergy with all the players. The message is not getting through to them and Enrique has decided to depart before having to recycle the side or making some big decisions, which he doesn't want to do."]

After all, he did fix the national mess left behind by Raymond "it's written in the stars!" Domenech. Alas for the fact that football is still results-oriented.

Big Sam, bigger trouble

Back in the 90s, we have a girl pop named Shampoo. Believe it or not, they're Brits just like the Spice Girls and Little Mix. How did I know about them? I blame secondary school and the Might Morphin Power Rangers (hilariously enough, I mistook Morphin for morphine. Gets to say how much of a Tesla guy I was at Gan Eng Seng School).

The Red Dragon

Starring China as that one fellow who made Antony "as Hannibal, Rome's worst nightmare" Hopkins into a household name. Okay, sort of.

A lot has been said about China becoming a trouble. I'm not referring to politics (since I can't be bothered in deciding which nation should win the South China Sea row), but rather football. Not so recently, China decided to splash the cash which happened to be the same size as Cthulhu. In the name of footballing excellence, no less. If you think the PRC Chinese (no xenophobic intent here, just that I need to differentiate between a Chinese from China and a Chinese from elsewhere) has too much money to burn and far too little understanding in dealing with it, you might be right after all. While I'd like to say something about the dissonance between the PRC tourists and the PRC history, I decide not to give a lecture (but let me just say that China's 5000 years of history has always been about cultural excellence. That's apart from civil wars like this and the occasional act of invasion like that).

I have nothing against PRC Chinese, let me assure you. In fact, two of my favourite historical characters actually hailed from China's 5000 years of history. At the same time, some of my FB friends are... well, PRC Chinese (and no, Sun Xu isn't one of them because he mistook me for Cú Chulainn).

Just skip the vids if you want to. No one is forcing you to do anything.

Okay, back to China and football. Note that I never say Chinese football for a very good reason. Firstly, let me be this damn brutally blunt. National football standard in China is getting nowhere. More oft than not, any promise would be compromised one way or another. There's still a long way for China to go when it comes to catching up with the two big tigers named Japan and South Korea.

Let just ask you a simple question: Have you ever seen a South Korean son of a gun in London? If your answer is yes, it means you know who is Son "Le Fils at OGC Nice next?" Heung-min.

Let me ask you another question: Do you think the cause of Kagawa "can he score for club and nation?" Shinji's loss of form was down to his rumoured belle? I don't know, but there's a reason why form and class should be seen as two different things like how I should never mistake my super mignonne legal housebreaker for her BFF or vice versa.

Then here's my third question: When was the last time you see a Chinese player in a top flight European team?

Any talk of "we don't need these teams to make China great" is like someone telling me England should have won major silverware more than just once. Let me just quote a German Kop as my answer.

Ironically, what is happening in China is basically a copycat version of what is happening in English top flight football now. Signing Oscar for 50 million doesn't mean a thing. So what if the Chinese Super League can rival the Premier League? Do you know that England is still waiting for the next Sir Alf Ramsey? Do you know that the Anglo-Saxons were knocked out by those Gunnofsons Vikings right before every gloating Frank? You can bullshit me when it comes to domestic football, but you don't bullshit me when it comes to the international stage.

For the CSL to rival the EPL (let alone surpass), there has to be that "WOW!" factor when it comes to players who will matter most in the international stage. No disrespect to the likes of Oscar and Pato, but people are bound to point out that Gabriel "let's not give him too much stress b/c of his name" Jesus opted to be Man City's Gabriel instead of some messianic figure in the CSL! We must be very careful here, we must keep our eyes open on what kind of players go into the CSL. Unlike leagues like the MLS, the CSL is able to attract the more youthful names. Like the MLS, the CSL needs way more than just that to ensure quality football beyond just the foreign big names. And that's not to mention the U.S gracing the international footballing stage more often than China (while I'd like to mention women's soccer as well, I don't feel like name-dropping the likes of Hope "her dad ain't Han" Solo and Alex "unrelated to Piers" Morgan because AWARE may name-drop me instead for this).

The bigwigs in mainland need to make a decision fast. I don't profess to be Guan Zhong (unlike Zhuge Liang), but let me just give them a bit of advice (that is provided China did unban Google).

You have money going into foreign football clubs, your country got money going into the CSL. I won't say focus on one and sod all for the other. But more money needs to be placed in the CSL. Way more than whatever money being used to buy foreign football clubs. Money NOT to sign those 50 million dollar lads who may end up worth less than Calum "the 16 million quids lad" Chambers. Rather, it should be money well spent on the grassroots and academy level. Please don't tell me you're actually too poor to build a St George's Park or a Clairefontaine.

YOU GOT A *BLEEP* TROUBLE!!!!!

Man City got itself a break from jail this mid-week. But was it really that bad? Should Pep "El Geni" play Chang "YOU GOT A *BLEEP* TROUBLE!!!" Chen-yue's Trouble in front of the entire dressing room? Firstly, let me say that this Trouble done by a Taiwanese isn't the same trouble done by a Brit girl band. Suffice to say, it's littered with that word which the FCC will censor without batting an eyelid. Period (I do know there's a Taiwanese girl in the CT-MRI dept of SGH. Think she may know what Trouble I'm referring to).

Many will point to the flaws during the Battle of El Etihad. However, there's also more than just a fair bit of mental strength in this bunch of City slickers. I noticed the timing of the comeback. City got back into the game when it was 2-1 and 3-2 down respectively. Yes, Pep needs to address the backline. But if there's anything he may have learnt from our very own Señor, it's fostering nerves of steel.

This is where this article comes in. This season has been outright crazy. Before Donald "not Tsang" Trump became crazy in front of public TV, the Premier League has already done so. Last season, in fact. Therefore, it's only natural for Pep to face what is customary for every gaffer in the top flight (and that includes Señor). It has got nothing to do with form or even class. Form and class alone are not good enough to warrant a topsy-turvy Premier league where seasoned viewers of English football should be forgiven for wondering whether they're actually watching Championship football. Something is not right, every gaffer is getting smarter within 1-2 seasons under the belt.

I may (or may not) have caused the gaffers to up their game. That's beside the point. Look at what I've written here in my FB profile screengrab.

Pep is a manager high on pressing and not so high on defending. However, his pressing tactics depend heavily on the midfield. To boss the ball and decide where to play it forward. Yes, you've read it right. If it's a matter of when, then Pep's footballing aesthetics would have gone totally bald like what his frenemy had implied last time round. To make this strategy work, Pep needs to have intelligent midfielders. Not that he doesn't need intelligent forwards since you don't call Lionel "will opponents start messing him up?" Messi a moron (unless ofc you happen to support either Los Blancos or RCD Español).

I doubt Pep will want to tell John "hope he won't be stoned by the press" Stones to fall back unless the lad wants to be stoned to death at the orders of his boss. But there has to be a way to create the defensive work rather than playing dodgeball with the press. If the defenders are not in charge of intercepting the ball like the Patriot SAM system employed against Saddam's Scud, it merely means someone else has to intercept the Scud S. Which means there left only one other possibility. The midfield.

In order to allow the backline to play the ball forward like David "his football ain't Moyes' football" Luiz, more than one midfielder has to play the shield. However, it's absolutely anti-Pep to deploy 3 or even more midfielders just to chase it back. If one is not enough, how about two? Coupled with the fact that Jesus (a son of man, not the Son of God) covered 11.5 km per 90 mins and 73 sprints per match, it means Pep would have 3 players running back instead of just one Rooney in blue stranded somewhere in his own Bermuda Triangle. Without Jesus' intervention (no pun intended since there's only one Son of God and he's Jewish), Pep would have to either deploy 2 men out of 10 to track back or telling the lone forward to do Jesus' job (and I don't mean getting crucified by the Romans). With Jesus unable to save himself from injury (after all, he's never a god), Pep is most likely facing the greatest test of his tactical credential. Quite obviously, a genius like him doesn't need someone like me to tell him that. Even if great minds do think alike.

Case in point? I doubt Monaco would have popped 3 past City if Jesus McGod was around. No offence intended to Radamel "El Halcón" Falcao btw.

Big Sam, bigger trouble

Is it a good time to play Crystal Palace? I have to say there's no such thing as a good time to play any team. Especially given our current circumstances. Yes, Big Uncle Sam has lost more matches than he'd like to (not that any gaffer would like to lose anyway unless Wilson "let's not call him a willy" Raj approaches him like some shady journalist). But to lose against us means a step nearer to the hangman's trap door. Basically, this means we're also in the same situation.

Make no mistakes about it. When I mention bigger trouble, it means the same for us and them. If I want to play the nice guy (after all, nice guys get bullied and I have a history of being bullied in school. No one has to go through this. Period), then it should be 1 pt for both sides instead of 3 pts for only one. However, football is a different ball game from schoolyard democracy. The latter is no different from seeing morons and sheeple daily, the former is no different from fighting a battle.

So what should we expect from Big Uncle Sam's Palace? Firstly, Palace will be having a go at us. They will go straight at us off the block. Therefore, three positions will matter the most to Big Uncle Sam. Namely, the right midfield, left midfield, and central attacking midfield. This is assuming Big Uncle Sam will be playing a 4-2-3-1. If it's a 4-4-2, then Señor has to guess correctly where the ball anchor will be deployed.

While it's more logical to say Big Uncle Sam's choice of ball anchor lies in the holding mid, such an approach will only work if Palace has the bulk of possession. Should Big Uncle Sam decide to let fly right from the whistle, it means the ball anchor has to be the CAM. This is because additional defensive cover can be done since it will give the holding mids more time and space to cover ground off-ball. In short, the plan is to prevent us from breaking forward while maintaining an offensive stranglehold.

On our end, Señor may have implied we're actually in a bigger trouble than we think. The players crocked are those who are able to play in the fullback position. What this means is very simple: Big Sam will be looking at whether Ben "Le Prince" Gibson is playing at the leftback or centreback. The reason why being that Palace is a team high on pace out wide and big on size and power down the centre when it comes to attacking the final 3rd. If Prince Gibbo is playing at the centreback, it means Big Uncle Sam may focus on our defensive width. If His Royal (Gibbo) Highness is playing at the leftback, it means our centrebacks will have their hands full dealing with players like Christian "Benteke GT V17" Benteke and Andros "not Stuart" Townsend.

Either way, Señor will do well in fortifying the central area. From the centrebacks to the lone striker, no less. If whoever playing in the hole 9 can put in an extra shift or more in tracking back, then we'll have a decent chance of getting a win. And also, we need out two holding mids at their bloody damn best. If they mess this up (either both or one of them), we're dead. Period.

P.S: I don't have to mention Wilfried "fried by Moyes" Zaha in this post. The reason why being that he's so dangerous, it's not good to put undue pressure on our fullbacks. Don't believe me, go ask our BFF George on what happened last time round.

When was the last time we won 1-0?

When was the last time we won 1-0? Seeing us play under Señor is like the Los Che faithful watching their beloved Los Che grinding out 1-0 victories under Quique Sánchez "El Un-nulo" Flores (which fyi is really part of the Mestalla history). Expecting us to spank Stanley Accrington? Well, it's like expecting a hot date with Keeley "she's made millions by making men keel over" Hazell. Suffice to say, we're running the risk of insane expectations running wild in the same way every local Singaporean dude is having unrealistic expectations on their next Chinese New Year Eve reunion dinner (read: expecting Keeley "she's made millions by making men keel over" Hazell to say hi to your shocked family members just because you never got a girlfriend since birth... wait, am I referring to myself?).

Let me be this brutally frank, my fellow Boro-thers-in-arms. When I saw the starting lineup, I liked what I saw because Señor was hell-bent on making a statement minus Cristhian "he's no Arnie" Stuani on the right. The lineup promised attacking intent right from the get-go, many a "Korean" fan (read: you should be intelligent enough to know the joke) was left frustrated. But should we expect 3-0 from a starting lineup featuring the likes of Rudy "get in, you son of a gun!!!!" Gestede, Patrick "Bam! Bam! Bam!" Bamford, and Viktor "yet to be King" Fischer? Apart from that he-who-must-not-be-named playing in hole 9, none of them impressed. But can you blame Gestede and Bamford for not shooting straight? One bloke is in sore need of match time, the other lad is in dire need of a massive vitamin C boost (read: C is for Confidence, nothing to do with Ribena or Scotts). As for Fischer, what I saw was plenty of promise before fizzling out. Key phrase is fizzling out.

A little wonder why Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez is still waiting for his good karma. The only catch? Stewart "down but not out" Downing's performance against a resolute Stanley Kubrick Accrington should serve as a warning shot 20 yards out in case Gastón decides to be El Gaston instead of El Bestia (read: I've got no problem with people leaving so long it's not like this. Period).

Houston, we have a problem...

If something like this can be seen, it means we're famous for all the wrong reason. We can't blame Álvaro "solo para siempre?" Negredo for being... well, solo para siempre. Señor's continental style is all about playing safe. To put things into proper perspective, we are the only promoted team guilty of playing ball on the ground. Period. We can try doing another West Ham (which to be fair was a way better performance than 90% of our 90 mins played so far), but will the fans be appeased? I doubt so. The only way out of our current predicament is to play the kind of football Sir Stamford Raffles and his BFF William Farquhar would play against Mahatma Gandhi last time round. Like it or not, we're stuck in a tactical catch 22 situation. Period. We can try passing the ball forward more oft than not. Go ask Ian "barking mad like someone born in 1982" Holloway what happened when Blackpool was scoring goals for fun at the top flight. If you think he's too far away for an interview, go ask Mogga what happened when West Brom was playing the kind of football which would have made Tony "Pulis says 'freeze!' to Arsenal" Pulis vomit blood right from the kickoff. It's very easy for us Boro fans to look at our beloved Boro, there's nothing wrong with it. But to look at other teams at the same time? Either you're crazy or you deserve a 14 million quids contract to be Señor's estratega.

The win against Stanley Kubrick Accrington wasn't pretty. It's like one of those days where your super mignonne legal housebreaker wouldn't pick up the phone just because your politically incorrect humour rubbed her BFF the wrong way. Considering the manner of our firing squad, I'm pretty content with the outcome. It's like me knowing for sure my super mignonne legal housebreaker will eventually talk to me. Why? Because in the same manner I was able to understand the situation, she also knows what's going on.

I'd rather focus on the next match. But before that, let me talk a bit about Downing 10. Not the Number 10 of U.K politics, but rather the number 10 of Middlesbrough XI. Firstly, let me express a big THANK YOU to Big Uncle Sam. At West Ham, Big Uncle Sam was the reason why Downing was able to rebuild his career. Gone are the days where his pace and left foot is the key to unlocking the defence. Now are the days where he has to play more with his brain and less with his pace. At the Championship, he was given a torrid time due to a lack of pace coupled with being deployed out wide. Against Stanley Accrington, he was that Stanley "not Accrington" Kubrick who got us a goal. While I'd like to see Gastón the Beast staying, it must be stated that no player is bigger than the club in the same way no Number 10 is greater than the nation. When Lee "unrelated to any Lee of Singapore" Tomlin left us for greener pastures and a better footballing style, no one would have imagined Gastón becoming our Beast. At this point of time, it's only right for us to expect the unexpected once again.

However, Downing isn't our only best bet of being the number 10. There's a good reason why Viktor "yet to be King" Fischer is anything but the finished product. He has the class, but the tenacity defining Gastón as that one beast of a player is still sorely lacking in that Danish prince waiting to be crowned. Fischer fizzling out by the 2nd half is a cause for concern. Señor demanded 100% tenacity, Fischer is still that weak link. If the growing Dane wants to be that great Dane we all hope to see, then he better start reinforcing the steel in him. As a player, he's the closest thing to El Bestia Bello. As an individual, he does things more like Belle than the Beast himself. If Daenerys Targaryen can prove herself as every bit a Targaryen as her late brother Rhaegar, what's stopping Fischer from becoming King Fischer I?

Against West Brom...

It's gonna be anything but pretty. Pulis will not rev up the engine like that Slavic #footballtrollinggod from London. Yes, Pulis will want to rev up the engine. If I can retweet a lolarious gif of Pulis doing the Sturridge dance, it means Pulis can easily try having a go at us for the first 45 mins.

Last time round, James "I'm legally clean, I tell ya!" McClean gave us a massive trolling down the right. Therefore, why should we be so stupid to expect the history not repeating itself? Key to Pulis' tactics lies in who plays in the hole (assuming he's gonna do a 4-2-3-1). The hole 9 area will indicate how high WBA will start pressing. Mark my words, the holding midfield will only be there to break up play. The hole 9 is where the turbo will be turned on like Top Gear complete with the likes of Jeremy "my next top job is to take over Jeremy Corbyn as the Chief of Labour" Clarkson and James "my next top job is to take over Theresa May as our national Number 10" May.

So what we must do in order to avoid 3 pts lost? Again, this is the kind of match which Señor will surely use to remind the fans what must be done to secure top-flight status instead of relegation in the name of scoring. There will be little to no cover in front of their number 10, so it will be ideal to park the bus there. No one is telling Señor to attack and play an English artillery or two. Not me at least. But to fight it out like what we at the Boro enjoy doing? To quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, "HELL YEAH!"

Feeling red hot by wearing red

Let's talk about what happened so far in the transfer window where Man Utd is concerned. Firstly, José "still O Especial" Mourinho admitted that Ashley "he's getting older" Young may be going somewhere. Secondly, he dropped a bombshell more powerful than a fellow Portuguese named Carolina "she's gonna net plenty of guys" Neto.

Utd is now running low in cover when it comes to the holding mid area. What about the leftback role then? By my own guess, that's where Young has been playing more oft than not. After all, we're seeing the likes of Anthony "the black Bruce Lee out wide" Martial and Henrikh "MKH (him), not KMH (me)" Mkhitaryan out wide with the likes of Jesse "my Spanish namesake amigo is moving to Las Palmas instead of Las Vegas" Lingard and Marcus "not bent over like Bent" Rashford waiting for their chances. As for Juan "from mata biru to mata merah" Mata, he decided to call his boss "my BFF (Baddest Foe Forever) turned BFF (Best Friend Forever)".

Let's talk about Wayne "transfer news are always looney" Rooney first. Assuming any talk of leaving is pure drivel created by the very same blokes who give us the Page 3 lasses, what it may possibly mean is a change in role within the team. Not so recently, Rooney decided to play hero even though he's no Captain Britain. By dropping back deep, his placement nearer to the back 4 caused plenty of anguish for the players getting himself forward (not I say one hor! Blame this foreign talent instead). While it took a Nightcrawler named Adam "not Adam Lalas" Lallana to *bamf!* Big Uncle Sam out of jail, the glare still remained on Rooney.

If Rooney is to play in the holding mid, what can he offer tactically? Firstly, he should run less, think more. He's tactically smart, just that he's too stubborn like my dad. His days are far from over, but he needs to display a willingness to be humble. To be the greatest amongst his brothers, one must first be the least amongst his brothers. If this rule was applied to the apostles during the days of the early church, what makes us think Rooney is saintlier than the apostle Paul? Rooney's days as the false 9 should be seen as history, the Sun would be better off trying to convince Miss Hazell to make men keel over once again (read: no one should be talking Rooney up as St George incarnate unless they want me to insult their IQ).

If Rooney is to play the holding mid, my ideal pick to be his Boy Wonder is Ander "El Arquero" Herrera. Blessed with athleticism and a good passing boot, His first touch reminds us of Paul "if Cantona is the King, then he's the Apostle" Scholes. Period. So long Rooney doesn't try playing a pass like Glenn "still the smartest man in the room despite karma" Hoddle, I'm all okay with this arrangement.

Which now comes back to Schweinsteiger the Bastion. For too long, we've associated Der Bastion with the holding mid role where the bastion is the key to every team's survival. Before that, however, he's a bastion out wide as the left midfield. Don't believe me, you can go ask Jürgen "not Klopp" Klinsmann. I do not know him personally, but I know he is a faithful witness to my tactical statement here. In other words, Der Bastion can easily play in the leftback role (read: note that I say left back, not left wingback). If there's anything "special" about O Especial's tactics, it'd be a stable back 4 where the line tends to stay flat like that flat-chested girl in the class next door (read: a damning testament on how we guys behaved last time round during the 90s at Gan Eng Seng School).

All that's left waiting to be reclaimed will be that tenacity which once made him that fearsome midfielder chewing up the offence and spitting a counter-offensive pass immediately afterwards.

Feeling blue by wearing red

It's a disaster. Or is it? Then again, it may really be one. Liverpool has now lost 3 home games in a trot. The Kopites are now the talk of Merseyside in terms of ridicule no thanks to their neighbours in blue. Suffice to say, the relationship between the red Scousers and the blue Scousers has always been somewhat like the relationship between pure blooded Jews and the (not-so) pure blooded Samaritans way more than 2000 years ago.

The continental showdown between Kaiser Klopp and Caesar Conte will surely be a match of 90 mins fit for an emperor. Or at least that's what we'll be hoping for.

On the first glance, Chelsea holds all the aces. I mentioned what Chelsea is all about under Caesar Conte. Twice to be exact. As for Liverpool, I did the same thing once.

However, Liverpool tends to max it out when the wide attackers are able to bomb forward. Against teams out to park the bus, this tactic is a 50-50 (read: I can just tell my players to load the English artillery from the back in order to force back your wide attackers while remaining in the 20 yard safe zone). Against Chelsea, Liverpool may not have to contend with this tactical problem. The only way for Caesar Conte to load the ammo is up. Either via a black Moses or another Spanish Alonso. Kaiser Klopp will do well to shut the gates in front of the back 4. As crazy as this sounds, the defensive midfield is where the battle will be won or lost. Not so much for Caesar Conte, but definitely for Kaiser Klopp.

If the Teutonic commander of men has to keep a wary eye on the gates holding the defensive wall together, then the Roman tactical genius has to play his cards right on when to press and when to hold. It's pointless to say long ball this and long ball that. A load of balls if I say so myself. Conte's style is all about controlling the game via two intelligent Equites Romani out wide who happens to be that damn good technically as well. Not just at Chelsea has he managed to create a wall unlike what we'll be seeing very soon at the U.S-Mexico border, mind you. For he has already done so while under national service (note to my fellow Singaporeans: This is proof that a genius does not come from a good family).

The Chelsea match may easily be that make-or-break moment for Liverpool. Conte's control-and-attack style shouldn't be seen as a favourite's ticket to victory, but rather a tactical reprieve for Klopp. The moment Liverpool can force Chelsea to transfer possession from the width to centre, Caesar Conte may well be done for. Should Chelsea be able to start dictating the offence via the wingbacks, the entire dressing room in red will be prepared for a session of hanged, drawn and quartered.

P.S: I decided to do the merry tagging game due to the nature of the last part.