Win Arsenal? #IMPOSSIBRU!!!!

It's not every day that I made fun of Japanese. In fact, what I've said about Sora "no lewd jokes, please" Ma should not be interpreted as my brand of politically incorrect humour directed against... well, you get the drift.

Note to my fellow Boro-thers-in-arms: Above section is meant to be ignored. Just treat it as a mad man's raving. Below part is where the real fun comes.

Win Arsenal?

Optimism is at an all-time high. Or is it? Weirdly enough, the Teesside faithful are quietly confident of an upset. The only catch? Every Le Gooner feels the same towards us as well. Let me just say that our outing against Burnley was a hard done deal. Instead of getting burnt by the away team (which is arguably better than us, form-wise at least), we actually gave Burnley our Teesside burn for a large period of time. Make no mistakes about it, Sean "still not a douche" Dyche was out to win this. A look at his starting XI said it all. You have George "not a Kris" Boyd and Robbie "RoboBrad" Brady out wide with Joey "I have a Joe, I have a baton..." Barton in the central mid. Up front, they have Ashley "not a John" Barnes and Andre "50 Shots of Gray" Gray. If this doesn't look like a strong starting XI, it means you're smarter than José "O Especial" Mourinho, Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte, and Jürgen "Der Kop Kaiser" Klopp combined. In other words, you're a footballing Jew.

Suffice to say, Boro Steve's challenge is very simple, yet so difficult. Sounds like an oxymoron?

His challenge is very simple, it lies in the only thing he needs to set right. Namely, the correct balance between attack and defence. Under Señor, we're always running the risk of playing lopsided football. This is also the reason why this is also very difficult for him to get it right. We're racing against time, we're definitely on borrowed time. If we go down, I suspect the only person happy to bid us goodbye would be Alan "Captain Geordie" Shearer. Under Boro Steve, I truly hope the Teesside burn we gave to Burnley will be a sign of things to come.

As for Arsenal, I believe there's very little for me to say. However, let me try helping out in whatever manner possible. Let's see...

L'avant-garde

Arsène "Le Professeur d'Londres" Wenger will have to make a big call here. He has two choices to make. Will he want to go for pace and aggression? (e.g. Alexis "the smokin' gun" Sánchez) Or will he opt for physique and control? (e.g. Olivier "Le Chevalier d'Londres" Giroud)

What manner of L'avant-garde strategy Le Professeur opt to unleash will define his tactics. Period.

If it's the fast and furious, it means Les Gunners will be out to control the match via a four-man midfield. More specifically two holding mids and Mesut "Der Ottoman Turkish Delight" Özil. And then, there's one wide attacker tasked with holding down play and switching on the tempo in an instance. No such player, you say?

Believe it or not, Monsieur has been smiling like this ever since Super Santi signed for Arsenal.

If it's the strong and steady, it means Les Gunners will be out to play it fast and furious down the flanks. If Santi "El Alquimista" Cazorla starts, it means he will have to run more. At the same time, Les Gunners will be out to control the match via the attacking width since we all know their wide attackers are always smart enough to know when to hold the trigger and when to gun forward. This will also allow the holding mids more breathing space in case we break and counter. Question is, are we really good enough to do that on a consistent basis?

Note of self-fallacy: Thankfully, I discovered that Santi "El Alquimista" Cazorla is out injured. Not that I'm gloating. Rather, I'm relieved that I nearly made a fool of myself instead of... well, making a fool out of myself.

Les Cavaliers

The interesting part about Les Gunners' attack lies in an evenly spread out offence. What I mean is very simple: The anchoring point can be anywhere across the attacking trio behind the lone striker or the lone striker himself. In order to make this work, however, Monsieur Londres will have to make full use of his attacking wide players. If Boro Steve can guess correctly how his opposite number will play his centre-forward card, it may easily mean half the battle won. More or less, pace and aggression will be there. Question is, how often will they play it fast and furious instead of control and unleash?

L'Unique

There can only be one Special One. And I'm not talking about O Especial since his 90 mins were already over. I'm talking about a German Turk, I'm talking about the Ottoman Turkish Delight. Also known as Der Königsmacher, Özil is all about making kings out of goal scorers. In football, goals win you games. In football, goal difference means nothing without goals. In football, goals make a king like how a dearth of goals makes a pauper. If Özil is the fulcrum of all things offence and goals, it merely means one thing: Les Gunners will have to create tonnes of space for Der Königsmacher to exercise his authority as the core playmaker. Easy or difficult? It depends on the distance between the lone centre-forward and the two holding mids. It also depends on the distance between one wide attacker and the other. At the same time, there has to be one holding mid tasked with playing the ball forward, be it a 20 yard pass or 10 yard simple pass. We cannot afford to let this guy operate 15 yards behind the lone striker. If we do that, we die. Either we force him back or we force him out. Positionally speaking ofc.

Will this be Mission Impossibru?

I don't want to create any sense of false dawn here. Period. Probability merely means a long shot from what is absolute. What I can do, however, is to give Boro Steve some advice here.

1. Mind the fullbacks, our defensive width is arguably our Achilles heel. Our 16 million GBP man is out due to that loan rule restriction while I'm not sure whether our BFF leftback can be fit enough to match them pace for pace for the full 90 mins (not to mention surviving a few knocks or a Shawcross challenge). Les Gunners will be out to attack us down the flank. Worse come to worse, they will just tell their fullbacks to overlap and bomb us like a pair of B-2 Stealth Bombers.

2. Can we do a Big Uncle Sam? Laugh at him if you like, but there's nothing funny behind Big Uncle Sam dishing out the Fat Sam treatment last time round. Les Gunners were outmuscled, therefore they ended up getting outfought (not mention as well getting outrun like hell as well). Les Gunners were trampled by a 10 tonne XI. Period. More specifically, it's the space between their holding six and attacking four. And it has got nothing to do with that disastrous pass which may have cost Les Gunners a loss worth a whopping 35 million quids (NOT literally speaking ofc).

3. We can do decently well when it comes to holding down the ball. But what about going forward? Technically, we're better than some of the teams above us, believe it or not. Against the masters of cavalier football, we're nothing. If we can't gun forward fast enough, it means we must still try emulating Big Uncle Sam even though chances are that we can't reach that kind of 10 tonne XI level. Big Uncle Sam opted for two supersonic wingers against Les Gunners in the form of Wilfried "fried by his pace" Zaha and Andros "not a Stuart" Townsend. Monsieur Wenger will be telling his lads that we have nothing like that kind of players. And guess what? He's right if truly so.

4. If we can't do a thing on the attacking width, it means our central midfield area will be where the battle shall be won or lost. We cannot afford to let them breach the middle 3rd because they will exploit our defensive width like a pack of wolves chasing after a lagging deer. We must defend our defensive width at all costs (minus unwanted injury to our BFF St George ofc). We must be fast and decisive in playing the ball from the centre. We must be fast and aggressive in breaking up play and running box to box.

And above all, passing accuracy will mean a great deal for us. Make or break for us, to be exact.

The Burnley Burn

Well, there goes the season for us. Burnt by the hell called Hull, chances are that we'll get burnt the second time round today.

Against Hull: What we did right

Plenty will have been said about whether we'd lost the match this badly if Señor had not been sacked. As much as I still have doubts over Boro Steve's ability to lead from the base, I have to say such speculation is anything but fair. The counter-argument can easily go like "would we have scored if Señor is still around?"

To put things into proper perspective, there's no difference between a glass half-empty and a glass half-full. Period.

Ultimately, the only thing we did right was scoring. That's all.

Against Hull: What we did wrong

Thirteen times worse than the movie Jason Goes to Hell: Final Friday. Our defending was really that bad. Or was it? There's nothing wrong with Boro Steve going with 4-4-2, this I agreed with Anthony "not the Vicks VapoRub" Vickers. Things only went pear-shaped for us like the Braxit once we drew first blood (nothing to do with a woman's underwear, it's all about Anguished Angelina and Bereaved Brad).

I once said something about Marco "young like a Rubio, wise like a Polo" Silva's four by two. In that post, I said the only way for us to get something out of the match was to throw a spanner between their 4 men in the middle and 2 blokes up front (well, not entirely true, but you get the drift). I won't be surprised if that's how we get the first goal. The only problem? Solo Para Siempre scored too early. In the 4th minute to be exact if I remember correctly.

Ultimately, Boro Steve's comments may have indicated a middle 4 too gung-ho for the back 4. Not their back 4, but our very own back 4. Boro Steve's deep lying approach is reminiscent of what Señor had done, much to his own detriment (I'll have to admit that his stubborn approach may have done his CV plenty of harm. Which may be why O Especial is trying to do something about it if this report is to be trusted). Boro Steve has to make the greatest decision of his career. Will he want to tank it like Señor or dare it like yours truly?

No one is telling him to play ball like Barcelona, no one is telling him to kill the lads in the most physical manner possible. We need to be tactically daring if we're to draw first blood again in the early stage. We need to be more literally daring when it comes to parking the back 4. So how do we do it?

Answer: We do it against Burnley

I have to give it to Sean "still not a douche" Dyche. Of all the English managers I've seen, he's the most exceptional bloke (together with Eddie "The Once and Future Knight" Howe) when it comes to man-motivation and man-management. Firstly, let me just say that we have sent the wrong message to him and his Claret boys. We have told them that it's okay not to sit back. We have told them it's okay to start a fight anywhere in the middle third. In fact, we have told them it's okay to unleash Joey "I got a Joe, I got a baton" Barton so long he doesn't start fightin' round the world.

Let me be this clear. We need to be more literally daring by playing the back 4 further up. If we want to get goals, we have to start from the back. The key reason behind Señor's failure wasn't due to 4-2-3-1. Technically, 4-2-3-1 is also considered as a 2 striker system (that is so long you have a 2nd striker in the hole 9). Problem with Señor's approach is very simple: He was playing his cards too deep near the goal. As a result, Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo became... well, Solo Para Siempre. At the same time, whoever playing hole 9 has to run more back and forth. This was also the reason why pairing up Stewart "hope he's not down and out" Downing and Cristhian "never an Arnie on the right" Stuani means less assurance of 3 pts in the bag.

At the same time, we need to be tactically daring. I believe the problem with us against Hull was due to not knowing what to do with an early lead. If we sit back, they will boss the game. If we pour forward... well, we all know what happened by the time the final whistle was blown. Silva has really given Boro Steve a harsh lesson in tactics. Yes, there's a need to throw in the spanner between the four men and two. When he played a 4-4-2, did we know what it means? It means shifting the four-man focus to the back while giving the wide players and strikers more off-ball running in the midfield and attacking 3rd! Tactically speaking, it means either Boro Steve would have to fall back or take a risk in order to disrupt Silva's four by two. He chose the latter, we're duly punished for that. And this is what it means to be tactically daring: Better to send the wrong message early than to do so in the later stage.

I'm not saying it's right to send the wrong message. Rather, I'm talking about choosing between the aforementioned two. After all, no one likes to send the wrong message if the right message is available.

As for Dyche and Clarets

I won't be surprised if they're gonna start this deep and trying to end this on a high. Once the kick-off starts, they're more likely to play this deep. Don't let this fool you in the sense that this won't persist for the entire 90 minutes. We're there for the taking. Somewhere in the game, Burnley is gonna push further up. This team can pose plenty of problems down the width and box to box. I still remember George "not a Kris" Boyd trolling us non-stop down the flank like George "Best of the best in Belfast, some say even in the world" Best. If something can happen once, it can happen again. In particular, our 2nd choice fullbacks are anything but assuring. Trust me when I say Boyd will dribble it like Best.

When it comes to the central mid, I'm pretty sure Dyche won't wield the axe. His choice of attacking wide men is where the game will be won or lost (mainly because a draw means a loss for us). When it comes to the fullbacks, be prepared for many an English artillery coming our way.

P.S: I'm recovering from a wee bout of flu right now. Also, I need to sate my gaming/writing fix until 10 pm (Singapore timezone).

Friday the 13th: Boro goes to Hull

Let me be this damn straightforward: Boro Steve's current performance has done nothing to ward off my worst fear. Namely, if Señor would get us relegated by end of season, Boro Steve will most likely get us relegated at the bottom of the table. Okay, I know that's a hyperbole. Then again, our season has been a bloody hyperbole so far.

Against Swansea: My verdict

We're definitely better than Bonny and Clyde. In other words, we got away from the Liberty Stadium with a point where in fact, we should have gotten beat 10-0. True to their home ground's name, those hundred-year-old Welsh Swans were playing with plenty of liberty under Paul "not the walrus" Clement. Amazingly enough, the Swans were unable to do a single thing in the final third. Either it is down to dumb luck or some great genius was helping us in the same way the famed strategist Zhang Liang was able to aid Liu Bang leagues and miles away during the Chu-Han conflict.

Okay, enough about the history of China. Let's talk about Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente. Clement actually stated that without El Trasero, the Swans were playing like a walrus named Paul instead of a genius named... well, Paul. Okay, that was a lie from yours truly. Swansea Paul never mentioned the walrus.

"You do miss him because he's a big focal point, That's not to say Jordan Ayew didn't play well - he gave us another dynamic Fernando doesn't have - but when you're crossing a lot of balls into the box, Llorente is a miss."
-Swansea Paul

Swansea Paul, however, chose to hide his real hand in this case. And it's up to me to expose him like the Kindaichi Hajime of Singapore.

A tall, large, and physically powerful player, Llorente's main traits are his heading ability and strength in the air, which enable him to function effectively as a target-man in the centre of his team's attacking line. He is also known for his offensive movement, positional sense, and goalscoring ability inside the penalty area; additionally, he is also gifted with good technical skills and link-up play, which allows him to play well with his back to goal and hold up the ball for his team mates in order to create space and scoring opportunities.
-Don't quote me on this one, please

Playing with his arse facing the goal, this was exactly the reason why Swansea Paul sorely missed his El Trasero. Don't get me wrong, Jordan "not a Michael" Ayew is a good player. His pace and direct playing style should go well for the team against Spurs. However, I doubt he's able to hold up play with arse facing the goal like El Trasero himself. What this means is very simple.

1. If you're Ben "His Royal Gibbo Highness" Gibson, would you dare to tackle El Trasero from behind? If your answer is yes, you get a red. And I don't mean a free front seat ticket to Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift's concert.

2. If you're Gylfi "name sounds like some epic fantasy novel hero" Sigurðsson, would you be in a hurry to link up play once El Trasero has the ball at his feet? (not to mention as well with his arse facing the goal) If your answer is no, it means you're actually spot on.

3. If you're a pacy winger, would you be so stupid not to cut in from the width?

With that, I rest my case.

Meltdown down the centre

It didn't look good for the last 20 minutes or so. Under Señor, no one would have hit a meltdown. Against Swansea, we experienced a meltdown from the frontline down till the central midfield. While we have to thank someone (or just about anyone else) for the fact that our backline never melted like solid chocolate over a raging fire. We're guilty of sending the wrong message to our next opponent, let alone opponents for the next N matches till the end of the season. This is surely a horror show thirteen times worse than Jason Goes to Hell (notice the pun in the post title?).

Boro Goes to Hull: Our Final Wednesday

By the time we reach our next Wednesday fixture, the writing would have already been on the wall. Will our survival bid end up like the end of Babylon? Or will we emerge victorious like the Persians and Medes?

If there's a silver lining behind our sub-par 180 mins so far, it'd be Boro Steve stumbling on a magic formula during our Man Utd match. Unlike Ronald "not a McDonald" Koeman, I've yet to see enough to call Boro Steve a master tactician. Yet, we must not take credit away when and where it's due. Plenty may have been said about Rudy "GET IN THERE, GESTEDE!!!!" Gestede's costly miss, but I need to point out the fact that two players made a whole world of difference against José "O Especial" Mourinho's not-so-special Utd. The first is Adama "looking far better than Djimi" Traoré, the other is none other than Gestede. We have pace and aggression in the former, physique and athleticism in the latter. It's no coincidence that Boro Steve's first two subs went to the two of them, it's no bloody miracle that we turned the tables ONLY after the black duo came off the bench and onto the pitch.

If Gestede's miss is a sign of things to come, then Boro Steve should just go for broke and play him up front. Alone by himself, I doubt he can do anything more than missing a 3 yard sitter. With Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo, it means a different tactical story. We have nothing to lose. Period. Unlike Blackpool's maiden Premier League voyage under the leadership of Ian "he talks like me in the same way I talk like him" Holloway, we were never guilty of scoring plenty. That was when Señor was still around. With Boro Steve around, I'd rather we take a 4-4-2 risk since I'm not interested in knowing how long our backline will hold firm without the Spanish master of Spanish organisation. Negredo's isolation lies in two factors. Namely, a prolonged spell of being marooned up front and aging legs. The latter factor is more damning since that would have greatly hampered his ability to track back. If only he had signed for Swansea...

Which now comes to this amigo below...

Marco "young like a Rubio, wise like a Polo" Silva, what can I say about him? Young, daring, and a Champions League gaffer. Perhaps much more than Señor, he's looking like the defensive counterpart of Eddie "The Once and Future Knight" Howe. More than us (and Sunderland), Hull deserves the Great Escape (a feat most memorably done by Gus "Me Gusta!" Poyet and Sunderland years ago).

I've seen the Hull team sheet under his stewardship, I knew straightaway the core of his game. Namely, a compact midfield of 4 men across the pitch. However, blood and thunder can only give any team this much. Boro Steve claimed to know plenty about the team, but does he know much about the quicksilver tactician named Silva?

First things first, Hull City seems to have a massive love for a robust midfield game. Under Steve "the boss, not the assistant" Bruce, focus of the midfield went to the width where dynamic wingers were amply supported by a capable central midfield. Under Silva, I have no reason to believe things have changed. That is apart from the focus. As a team out to do a Great Escape, Hull City could ill-afford to do either a Holloway Blackpool or a Me Gusta! Sunderland. The team isn't meant to play surface to surface artillery. More likely a team suited for surface to air. Against West Ham, Hull played a 3-4-1-2 against a more illustrious 4-2-3-1. By pulling back the flat four, Hull would have ample time and space to clamp down possession with that one fellow (more specifically Lazar "the Laser" Marković) playing Wesley "the Pass Sniper" Sneijder behind the attacking two. A direct firing squad is what Hull did right unlike us. A rock solid midfield is what Hull did right, something which we need to match.

Key to win, lose, or draw lies in how high (or low for that matter) quicksilver Silva will play his midfield. At the same time, the space between a flat 4 and the next 2 players further up will be where the battle shall be won (or lost for that matter). The moment we let Hull boss that area, we die and Boro goes to hell by going to Hull. The moment we're able to stamp out mark there... well, to quote someone famous for sending entire countries into retirement 4 teh lolz...

The King of Retirement (or rather the lack thereof) was the reason why we stood a chance against Utd. Period.