Before I get started... (read: skip this part unless you want to torture yourself)
It looks like a weird piece of news. If it wasn't 100% official, I'd thought it's fake news. No, I'm not referring to which Lee is lying through the teeth (or even how many Lee Wei Lings are there in the local Singaporean healthcare sector). Rather, it's the International Champions Cup 2017. It doesn't make any sense at all. Period. You have FC Bayern München in China, you also have FC Bayern München in Singapore. If the Germans are only in Singapore for the local national team, then one can be forgiven for calling this normal. Problem is, the opposition they'll face can easily spank the Singaporean lions 10 goals to nil if they're really on song.
We have Chelsea.
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| And Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte |
I Nerazzurri
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| I srsly dunno what is pelatoso. I just find the mugshot funny. Period. |
And ofc the most bloody obvious...
No, it doesn't make any sense at all. Ever. This is no Batman versus Superman or even Deadpool versus Cable. There are no superpowers involved here, therefore I dare say the sight of Bavarians having to run two trips instead of one is a case of anti-logic. Signore, you're pitting your wits against two fellow Signores, not Signore Sundramoorthy. After all, it's not as if I was responsible for Kingsley "Conan's black bro?" Coman getting signed on a permanent basis till 2020.
Interestingly though, there's a common ground here. Namely, all three master tacticians are Italians by nationality, Romans by identity. Let's do a reality check here.
Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte is a Roman (genius).
Carlo "Signore Milan" Ancelotti is a Roman (gentleman).
Luciano "Il Lupo Alfa" Spalletti is a Roman (son of a gun).
It feels eerie. Absolutely eerie. It feels like I've become some sort of hot commodity.
And now onto my beloved Boro
It's been a roller-coaster ride so far for the whole of Yorkshire. Initially, Boro fans were hoping to get a positive bloke after a gross lack of Spanish balls on the pitch. No one should lack our commitment to holding the fort. But when tenacity from the middle 3rd mattered the most, we bottled it like Cardiff.
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| Speaks like a ruffian, sips water like a boss. That's El Lobo for ya... |
When suspicions first arose about Garry "the Welsh" Monk concerning a potential jump, naysayers were quick to douse the fire. After all, why would he be so stupid to leave a club that was (and still is) looking on the up? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. The fans were behind him and he's got a BFF in the form of Pep "not that one in Manchester" Clotet. What's there to dislike about Elland Road apart from the fact that they enjoy calling us Targaryens in the same way we enjoy calling them the offspring of Jaime and Cersei Lannister(s)?
But took the jump the Welsh Monk did. Depending on how you see it, this was like Luís "never a Nani" Figo going to Real Madrid or Luis "he played football like Figo" Enrique managing Barcelona. If you're to ask me, it's really mind boggling. Ultimately, the only reason I can come up with is some sort of unknown drama going on between him and boardroom. But even then, this should only be seen as speculation. Which now comes to another question...
Why did the Welsh Monk do a Figo/Enrique?
People would be pointing at money. After all, the Welsh Monk isn't the first to be called Judas. When Nigel "the son of fire and brimstone" Pearson took the jump from Hull to Leicester, the angry City faithful called him Judas. Ditto when Roberto "not Mancini" Martínez was branded as Judas with an El as the prefix after he made the switch from Swansea to some place more famous for the pies, rugby, and Paul "he's gotta prove he ain't that walrus Paul" Jewell. In other words, the Welsh Monk won't be the last Judas just like how he wasn't the first one to start with.
Interestingly enough, Judas is actually a variation of Judah. While the former will always be synonymous with traitors and turncoats, the latter is one associated with authority and prestige. In fact, the titular protagonist of Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ written by Lew Wallace went by the first name of Judah!
Okay, I'm digressing here. Let's speculate what may have caused the Welsh Monk to make the switch. While I won't make daring assumptions, I'd like to point out a few things.
1. We have the Special One from Portugal, the (not-so) Normal One from Germany, and the Bald One from Catalonia. Then we have the Ambitious One from Wales. The thing with the Welsh Monk is this: After having a taste of personal summit reached with Swansea, only a moron would say he's strictly in for the money. By joining Boro, this could easily be interpreted as a message of intent. Not in terms of GBP and quids, but rather success on the highest possible level asap. If he felt Leeds couldn't give him that, it means he would leave. And left the club he did. Funnily enough, I'm pretty sure people won't be calling him the snake on a plane if his next destination was anywhere but Middlesbrough.
2. The Ambitious One has plenty to prove and a tad too little to show. The reason why being that his final season with Swansea was a disaster. As for Leeds, promotion via the playoff would have been a possibility, perhaps even a reality, if the team never bottled it like Arsenal. In fact, this would most likely be a key motivation for the Welsh Monk to prove a point. He may not have said it out, but the cold hard truth can't fool me. Let alone himself.
3. Accusations of money being the driving force would only be complicated by the fact that there's an Elland Sean joining him. No, I'm not bs'ing like what the Sun did during the Hillsborough disaster. I'm no journalist, but I'm telling the truth here.
4. I won't be surprised if the Ambitious One is also a charismatic one. From Swansea to Leeds, from one end of Yorkshire to the other side. It seems that said charisma actually showed in his backroom staff. Hence, me using backroom clergy to describe them.
Out, out, and out (plus an out and out winger)
Out goes Viktor "will he make Mainz his kingdom?" Fischer. This is a Danish prince who promised to be a king. Alas, he was deemed nothing more than Hrunting used against Grendel's mam.
Out will surely go Stewart "all the best to him and not going down" Downing. This is a "club legend" who promised a Return of the King. Alas, he was deemed more of a Faramir than Aragorn. Not to mention as well an ICBM fired from the south to the north.
Out will definitely go Gastón "hope he will revive El Bestia Bello in him" Ramírez. The less said about Leicester and whatever Shakespearean news of dressing room skullduggery, the better. Last time I checked, he was more of a Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and less of a Ramírez from the Highlander. At worst, he's more of a Gaston from Berserk and nothing like Guts himself.
Interestingly enough, one name was never on the chopping block despite a dire need to have Chris "he made Walcott looked like Waffles the Cat" Waddle giving him tuition 24/7.
I'll be brutally frank here. Firstly, he lacks the finesse of Coman the Barbarian when it comes to the final ball. Interestingly enough, his pass success rate reads like 70.3%. Doesn't look like the kind of brainless fellow whom Waddle would want to toast alive like a waffle. The problem lies in the fact that for a player of his nature, 70.3% pass accuracy and zero assists should read like an outright criminal act against football. Call me harsh, but I don't see any common sense in this reality showboating.
But before we start laughing at the Welsh Monk and his equally ambitious backroom clergy, please jump to 2:16. Let me be candid here. I never finished seeing the vid because I don't need to. The reason why is very simple.
Let's talk about the scene at around 2:16 here. It's quite obvious that this lad is capable of winning the ball. It's only a matter of whether he can replicate what we've seen at 2:16 on a consistent basis. In the world of English football, no one is going to castigate you for a failed attempt at winning the ball. Yes, people will be mocking and simmering. But not for long provided you can prove it as a one-off freak accident. In wrestling, we got the half nelson. In football, is it too much for us to expect a Traoré 2:16 in the same way those Yanks would always remember Stone Cold Steve Austin's 3:16?
Then we have his mobility and trickery. The reason why he's able to wrongfoot the opposition lies in his centre of gravity. Built like an ox, nimble like a cat, but he needs to fight like a wolf in its pack. I don't need to finish watching the vid to understand the circular nature of his footwork. That's how he threw the opposition off their feet and on their arses. Sometimes, the movement may be more subtle. Then, there were moments where it's more visible. He doesn't just take the ball and run. He takes the ball, moves his feet a wee bit, and then BOOM! Gone in less than 60 seconds, way faster than Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift's relationship with Tom "his sis made the Witcher more famous" Hiddleston. Some may even say faster than Usain "the black lightning bolt" Bolt and Tyson "no Gay jokes on drugs pls" Gay combined.
Assuming no team would be dumb enough to throw a die on a player yet to prove his footballing brain, it's up to the Welsh Monk to make some decisions (then again, Le Professeur X may actually be that crazy since we all know he enjoys taking a gamble on the young and unproven) The fact that he was swift to make a statement of intent concerning the likes of Downing, Ramírez, and Fischer highlights a fact not so significant in comparison. Namely, he never said anything about Adama "not a Djimi" Traoré.
Playing ball, one pass at a time
I need to end this post asap. However, I need to point out the most important aspect. Namely, the (correct) strategy. When we talk about passing, it's either forward, backwards, or sideway (and no, diagonal doesn't count because it's technically either forward or backwards). It's important for the Welsh Monk to hammer home how important the first and second pass should be. However, it's not a must for both passes to go forward. So long either the first or second pass is going forward, it's good enough. In other words, both passes should never go backwards.
If the first pass is meant to set the tempo (i.e. a 10 yard pass so as to speak), then the second pass should be a statement of intent (i.e.. a pass longer than 10 yards out). If the first pass is meant to tell the players to attack en masse, the second pass should be shorter in order to create a stranglehold in the final third. This is why while it's not a must for both passes to go forward, it also means both passes should never go backwards.
And lastly, let's talk about Steve
Not that creative guano loco icon known as Steve Jobs, but rather Steve "Boro Steve II" Agnew. Where will he go? A few days ago, His Royal Majesty Steve held talks with the previous three. Namely, Agnew, Jonathan "he will always man the gates" Woodgate, and Leo "he's Uruguayan, last name sounds like a Serb" Percovich.
Woodgate has been officially given the keys to being the assistant coach. Not the first team, but rather the Academy. Granted it's a small step forward, but you don't expect a toddler to start running like a twelve-year-old kid.
For Percovich, I fear the worst for him. Out of the three, he's the one person most strongly linked to the previous regime. Having no one stepping in as the assistant head coach means the Welsh Monk would settle for nothing less than his own man. Yes, BFF Pep has gone to Oxford where 12th July will surely be a day to remember for a pair of brothers-in-arms. However, that also means a Pep sized gap waiting to be filled. Simply put, why would the Welsh Monk run the risk of sending the wrong message after getting rid of certain players?
Boro Steve II will most likely the pick for assistant head coach. The reason why being that he's never a Spanish man. In fact, he's more of a Boro man due to how highly those higher up think of him. In other words, circumstances are in his favour more than the other two. At the same time, it seems that he needs more understanding when it comes to striking a balance between the defence and midfield. In fact, this was exactly what happened when he attempted a (Craig) Shakespeare. He was virtually floundering between the Spanish way of defending and his own way of doing a five man midfield. I truly doubt it's a coincidence that we played our better football under him when he did a 3-5-2.
As if a Pep sized gap isn't enough a cause for concern, we have a scouting system demolished to ground zero. The appointment of Victor "blame him for signing Viktor Fischer" Orta was a disaster which promised too much. On paper, there's nothing wrong. Or at least there shouldn't be. Problem was, things really went wrong like how Pompeii was buried under a deluge of ash and lava so many years ago. What this means is very simple. Until we hear something substantial coming from His Royal Majesty Steve and his royal court of advisers, I won't put it past Boro Steve II being tasked with a heavier burden. Namely, doing what the likes of Dave "Boro Dave" Parnaby and Ron "no boner jokes pls" Bone have been doing so faithfully for N years.
P.S: Despite the somewhat ambitious nature (and timing) of this post, I'm not crazy enough to try filling in a Pep sized gap in the current Boro dressing room. Then again, I prefer identifying myself with Rhaegar Targaryen if my beloved Boro should be identified with the Targs. You know the deal between him and Lyanna Stark instead of some Targaryen maiden.
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