Group E=Group of Death=Group of Elites
A decade ago, something exploded like the Big Bang. Basically, this is the Big Bang theory I'm talking about. While I'm not interested in debating what is the "brutal truth" (after all, I'm pretty much cynical/politically incorrect at least half of the time), it must be noted that Group E is called the official group of death for a reason. All 4 teams in the group are considered elites (even one as the Republic of Ireland fyi). Hence, the term "Group E". Just don't ask me why the people at UEFA (and FIFA for that matter as well) enjoy being a bunch of sick bastards.
Because I want to be fair...
I'm gonna repeat the same format as this post. After all, it doesn't make any sense for me to do an exposé for just one team. It's not as if I'm Xiaxue and the unlucky team happens to be Gushcloud.
The Green Army
Known in Singlish as the Ah-Boys hijau, I'm pretty sure the only entertaining factor lies in the fight. And a tough fight should be nothing less than what I expect from a team helmed by Ireland's very own Starsky and Hutch.
In the form of Martin "the older Michael" O'Neill, we have the brains of the nation. Believe it or not, I actually appreciated the humour behind his queer joke. It was virtually a two-sided jab, none of which were directed at the LGBTQ community in Ireland and beyond. Firstly, it's directed to the rugby purists. Secondly (and more apparently), it's also a joke made at the expense of the American Way (i.e. The American Way of Football, better known as the American Way of Machismo).
On the other end, we have the nearest thing to Xiaxue. Or rather the other way round. Calling him Xiaxue is an insult. This bloke is more used in starting fights with men rather than women (and Steven "not Fletcher" Lim). Tbh, I don't have to introduce Roy "take that, you *bleep*!" Keane to anyone who call him/herself Irish. Or anybody who watches football for that matter altogether.
How to fight like an Irish
Ireland's approach is most likely to be the twin of Northern Ireland despite the respective gaffers boasting different parents (in other words, Martin ain't Michael's dad). The team will come out fighting and most likely spoiling for a fight like the correct Keane.
It's brutally clear, folks. Ireland really has to play it brutal. The team has to channel the spirit of Cú Chulainn, arguably the greatest hero to wear the Irish pride. The team has to let rip into the opponent's midfield like a pack of Irish wolfhounds trained by the correct Keane. The central midfield together with the centrebacks must exude the kind of "never-say-die" leadership commonly associated with Fionn mac Cumhaill. The wide attackers must ravage the middle third like Fergus mac Róich armed with his fearsome sword Caladbolg. As for the firing line, they must exude the humility of Diarmuid Ua Duibhne. If possible at all, Ireland will do well in adopting the Heskey-Cottee system. In other words, Ireland needs Gáe Buidhe/Beagalltach and Gáe Dearg/Moralltach more than the son of Donn.
So is there anything more to say? Sadly, my answer is no. After all, the brutal truth is this: This is Ireland after all, hopefully the FAI won't be renamed FAIL this time round.
Note: Believe it or not, Ireland may easily turn out to be that last team Italy, Sweden, and Belgium would want to face. Especially Belgium.
Les Diables Rouges
And now, we have the Belgians. Famous for the chocolates, mussels, beer, and Jean-Claude "not Van Damned" Van Damme last time round, it is now famous for another commodity: Michel "not Platini" Sablon.
When it comes to sporting excellence, the only good thing to cheer about last time round was Justine "not to be confused with Justin Bieber" Henin. To give you all a decent idea on how long that was, let's just say that the likes of Belinda "tak benci" Bencic, Simona "doubt she needs major help" Halep, Eugenie "that pretty genie" Bouchard, and Angelique "Die Engel" Kerber were still playing tennis as little girls when Henin was fixing the opposition for fun. This time round, it's the football.
Unlike 2 years ago, however, the defence seems to have a dodgy case to answer. So what it's ranked no.2 in the world rankings? The Irish will surely smell blood like a pack of Irish wolfhounds. A defence worth 2 goals to the Norwegians is like a wounded sheep surrounded by a pack of Irish wolves. Belgium will do well in avoiding defeat against Ireland. Hell, it's already good enough if they can get a point. The Belgians are walking on thin ice, mark my words. Tactically, the only team which they can defeat will be Italy. Against Sweden, they'll have to face a player who has sent an entire nation and people into retirement for the next two years at least. Against the Irish, the less said the better. Mr Sablon should know that I'm not fearmongering, he should know I'm telling the cold hard truth.
If Les Diables Rouges want to reach the second round, they better do something about their holding midfield. The two blokes (whoever they are) must ensure that the bulk of defensive organisation must NOT go to the central defence. Vincent 'he deserves good company" Kompany is now enduring the worst moment of his career ever since his confidence was nearly annihilated for good by a certain Lee "not Tommy Lee" Tomlin. If Kompany is the only reason why the Belgians were defensively better 2 years ago, then it's more pragmatic for the holding mids to stabilise the back 4 instead of pinning hopes on the two blokes deployed behind them. If Kompany was a mere passenger two years ago... well, I doubt I can come up with another better remedy. My apologies, Mr Sablon. I can only do this much for you and your country despite me appreciating what you're going to do for my country's backwater footballing standard.
Gli Azzurri
Gone were the days where local girls would swoon over the manliness of Paolo "as fierce as Di Canio" Maldini. Gone were the recent years where local girls would swoon over the gentlemanly charm exuded by Andrea "Il Gigante" Pirlo. The nearest signor to Maldini is Giorgio "does he always wear Armani?" Chiellini, the nearest signor to Pirlo is most likely Daniele "Il Lupo" De Rossi (albeit it's due to Riccardo "not Durandi" Montolivo getting himself injured AGAIN).
The blue boys will have their work cut out for them. Defensively wise, they're quite decent of late imo. Attack wise, that may be where the problem lies. Will the Azzurri outscore Les Diables Rouges? Will the Romans outfight the Gaels? Will Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte consign Zlatan 'I send entire nations and people into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović to an early retirement? Below is the key to how far this once proud footballing nation will go.
Jon Snow
If you think you're seeing things, be assured that you're not. If you think I'm mad, then please be assured of that brutal truth concerning every genius. It's official, ladies and gentlemen. The Italians need a Jon Snow. They need a bastard who will take no prisoners. Not a defender, not a defensive midfielder. They need a Jon Snow deployed at the wall. As a footballing genius, Conte managed to devise what I call the Great Wall of Rome. No matter whether it's 3-5-2, a 4-2-4, or the most recent 3-2-4-1, the Great Wall of Rome is what truly matters. Like the Great Wall of China and the Berlin Wall, the Italians will be effectively done for should the opponents find a way to breach the barrier. As a genius, surely Conte doesn't need me to tell him this. I really like his cycling analogy. I really do. I can imagine great things happening on the pitch based on Lance "not Neil" Armstrong's Tour de France exploits minus the drugs. Either I'm truly mad or great minds really think alike.
Tour de France or no Tour de France, however, Conte needs a leader who can pull the trigger anywhere across the middle of the park. Be it winning the ball or passing the ball, let me repeat that Conte needs a Jon Snow. The key to a potential Roman conquest like what we've seen via the exploits of Gaius Julius Caesar will most likely hinge on offensive penetration running from the midfield to the 20 yard box. No time for delay, no time for procrastination. No time to stroke the ball around like the Man City of next season, the Romans must be ruthless with the ball like any team under this Saxon here.
Blågult
The funny thing with the name above is this: It's not about how the name looks, but rather the fact that Sweden is quite literally a one-man team. When Zlatan 'I send entire nations and people into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović said "Ibra came and he seized power in France.", he may not be joking after all. More of a Louis le Grand than any other politician in the Republic currently, he was arguably the chief reason why more people may be watching French football right now. When he said "I came like a king, left like a legend", you better believe him. His ID is that of a footballer, truly he boasts of a Swedish ego and a French superego. If Sweden wins this year's Euro, I think my Swedish redhead friend will be organising a party very soon at the Butter Factory. Okay, I admit that's a pointless joke. Also, that Swedish redhead I spoke of is a girl. Emelie (sp?), I hope you're reading this post. Not that I'll go there anyway. :P
Bend it like Beckham, Boss it like Ibra
I find it quite amusing that the cover for the latest 8 Days magazine actually featured our local version of House Beckham. Which isn't really an overstatement to be fair.
When we say "Bend it like Beckham", we all know who we're referring to. When we say "Bend it like the Beckhams of Singapore", we all know which House we're talking about. Yet, no one does it like Ibra. And when I say no one does it like Ibra, it means "Boss it like Ibra". Make no mistakes about it, Erik "sorry, not you Mr Eric Soh" Hamrén may be the boss off the pitch, but Ibra is definitely the boss of the pitch. Truly a larger than life player in every sense of the word, I can only identify two world class players blessed with a world-class charisma. Messi is definitely NOT one of them, mark my words.
In no order of merit, the first is Ronaldo (the one from Portugal, not that other one from Brazil).
The second on my list? Self-explanatory tbh.
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| Really wish this will be the case for my future girlfriend as well |
Boss it like Ibra=Feed Ibra
Ibra alone may be enough to pull his entire nation beyond the group stage, perhaps even the knockout stage. Sadly, there's only this much he can do. Why? Because apart from meatballs and the stereotypical well-equipped blonde in a sexy bikini, Sweden is only famous for one man: Ibra. If the Swedes think Ibra can drag them to continental glory, they're most likely smoking weed imported from the Netherlands. To allow Ibra to boss the match, Hamrén must ensure a three-way feeding approach.
To feed a troll...
The last few days have been totally hilarious. While Ibra is currently slapped with a travel ban, it shouldn't be seen as an excuse for him to troll like a boss. Instead of answering whether he's going to do the inevitable (trust me when I say he won't sign for Pep and that Arsène "the smartest bloke in the (dressing) room" Wenger will not break character just for a one-year solution), he's basically like...
In other words, Ibra being Ibra can easily say the obvious "yes" in the same way Hamrén would have no problem issuing the travel ban no matter the circumstances.
On the tactical front, Hamrén will do well not to let Ibra shoulder too much of the burden when it comes to the ball. The technical standard in Swedish football should be good enough for the entire 10 outfield players to retain possession and pass the ball unlike what happened 6 years ago.
To allow the troll to... well, troll, someone must feed that troll. If Ibra is to troll the opposition, then I strongly recommend letting him having lesser time on the ball. If you think I'm crazy, please reconsider your stance.
If you think Ibra is a striker, it means you don't understand Ibra. If you think Ibra is a striker who can create, it means you don't know Ibra. If you think Ibra is Ibra due to his 30 goal per season repute, it means you know even less than Jon Snow.
Let me say this once, I will not repeat myself again for the rest of this post.
Ibra is a showstopper.
To be a showstopper, you don't need to count how many times you pass/shoot the ball. To be a showstopper means you're someone capable of setting the team alight in the same way you have what it takes to seize power in a foreign nation. This is NOT to say that Ibra should play like a certain Italian. Ibra wasn't born in an offside position. Rather, he's born in an onside position. Blessed with a natural instinct in terms of tactical awareness, he knows when to hold and when to release. He knows where to run and when to get the ball. The last part will be key to feeding the greatest trolling footballer we have ever seen.
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