Why always Cyrus?

Why always Cyrus? I'm not referring to Miley "not a citrus" Cyrus Christie (apparently, she's been staying it low key apart from whatever news she made with Thor's younger bro Loki). Rather, I'm referring to Miley Cyrus "neither a Persian nor Malcolm" Christie. We all know the deal about racism. It's always the Black Panther versus the White Gorilla.

Don't bother wondering where is the White Gorilla. Apparently, race is still a sensitive topic in the western half of the hemisphere despite democracy. Also, it seems Shuri is that black girl wearing white.

This time around, it seems that the Trumps have made the headlines for all the wrong reason. For some funny reason, this was reminiscent of Ryan "not Shotton the Shotgun" Tunnicliffe's answer to Ireland legalising same-sex marriage.

And now the good news...

He's back. Miley Cyrus "neither a Persian nor Malcolm" Christie is back. Or at least I hope so for tonight/today's match against Birmingham. This is a match we can't lose. Not after the latest fixture results turned against our favour. In a funny twist of fate, Birmingham is currently owned by Chinese people in the same way I'm also Chinese. Let's cut short the chase, let's start talking about Steve "Brum or bust?" Cotterill and his Brum.

Parking the Brum bus?

We're at home, they're at away. We play 4-2-3-1, they'll most likely play 4-3-3. I've seen Brum defeated by Barnsley. More specifically the team sheet. I've seen Brum defeated Nottingham Forest. More specifically the team sheet. In the former case, it's 4-2-3-1. For the latter, it's 4-3-3. For now, I'm prepared to assume that Steve Brum has stumbled upon a tactical magic formula.

I tried finding a common ground between Steve Brum's 4-2-3-1 and 4-3-3. You have someone named Jota (not to be confused with Diogo "not Diego?" Jota or the Korean Jota). Against Barnsley, he played in hole 9. Against Forest, he played out wide. Trying to make sense of his impact on the team sheet was quite challenging. Thankfully, there's a Gallagher. Not a Liam or Noel. Rather, it's a Sam.

Secondly, I needed to find where Steve Brum would deploy the ball anchor. Interestingly, the victory over Forest revealed the fast and nippy centre-forward while the defeat at the hands of Barnsley betrayed the typical 6 footer. I still remember Lukas "the Jutower" Jutkiewicz, Mogga signed him first before Birmingham did so. Against Forest, Steve Brum deployed a Che. Not Los Che or a Che Guevara, but rather Che "will he become Brum's Che?" Adam. Steve Brum is no moron. He should have seen Thomas "the great Dane of the Mediterranean" Christiansen dismantling us last weekend. If our Welsh Monk decides to stick with Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer, it means chances are that we'll see Steve Brum's Che as the centre-forward again. There has to be a reason why the Leeders ended up having Kemar "I don't hoof the ball up the roof" Roofe as the vanguard despite him being the fast and nippy type. Simply put, if it worked for the Leeders, surely it will work for the Brummers.

Ofc it doesn't mean Steve Brum won't need a ball anchor. He still needs it. My best bet would be a 3-man fort. Against Barnsley, the Brummers were bummed by one bloke less in front of the back 4 instead of one bloke more. Against Forest, it seems that having 3 blokes instead of 2 actually gave the firing squad more confidence in attacking the final third. The lack of a 6 foot Pole won't mean a thing so long the ball anchor is being fixed at the back. And by that, I mean four by three, not the four by two made famous by the Germans since Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw took over.

Interestingly, both 4-2-3-1 and 4-3-3 are capable of falling back into a defensive 4-4-2. At least I won't put it past Steve Brum doing that. All that is needed is for Jota to drop back deep. Against Barnsley, it's most likely him and David "so is his dad called Steve?" Cotterill falling back to form a 4-4-2. Against Forest, it's only Jota since we're talking about 3 blokes holding the fort in the middle 3rd.

So how do I see Steve Brum's... well, Brum? No matter which formation we'll see on the screen, chances are that a defensive 4-4-2 will be on the cards. Our Welsh Monk needs to take a good hard look at Steve Brum's starting firing squad. That should give him a decent idea of how the defensive 4-4-2 will do a break-and-counter. Or just about any kind of counter.

More blame on Moreno?

3 goals leaked, blame Alberto "how many more?" Moreno? I still remember his debut against Southampton. That was years ago, we're not even promoted yet. Brendan "not Fraser" Rodgers may have redeemed himself in a nation not exactly known for football, but Moreno's nightmare might well be one of the worst moments in Liverpool's proud footballing history. Back then, Mauricio "poached by Jewtown" Pochettino had just chosen the cappuccino at North London over the south coast's Earl Grey. In stepped Ronald "will he remain a McDonald or become a Reagan?" Koeman. Nathaniel "not Chalobah" Clyne was the saint wielding the pitchfork, I don't have to tell you the horror show Moreno was forced to star in. It's like Jason Voorhees chasing a bunch of screaming NUS frats after they had enjoyed a fruitful afternoon. While it's hard to sympathise with those Robert Frattinsons if they really got chased around and brutally murdered by Jason, I was like "whoa, I really feel sorry for that guy (i.e. Moreno, not those Robert Frattinsons)". Ironically, St Clyne is now RoboKop Clyne.

Only upped this vid 4 teh lolz. Not every S'porean gentleman is deemed horny. Whimsical bastards do exist. Like me, for example.

If Moreno can't do a clearance to save his life, then why is he still playing as a fullback? Two things need to be done, none of them involving Moreno. At least not for now so as to speak.

1. Buy a new leftback.

2. Redeploy Moreno as a left winger.

If I want to save this amigo's career, reinventing a leaky leftback into an orthodox winger is the only way out. Coupled with the fact that he's still playing as a fullback, it means there's actually a decent chance of him being a counter-offensive style winger more comfortable with pushing up the offensive line (although whether this will automatically translate into wingback for him is open to debate). Ultimately, no one would like to see RoboKlopp whipping out his German gun.

Yes, this is what I mean by "whipping out his German gun". What do you expect otherwise? This?

Barcelona and Valencia: A Tale of Two Che

Not so long ago, talks of a revolution were rife. They said Peter "there's more than one of him" Lim must go lim his kopi. Not with the cops, but in the comfort of his own home AFTER he gave up ownership to a worthier man (or woman for that matter since we're now talking about 2017, not the 17th century). How times have changed, fortune and ill luck alike. His beloved daughter got married and gave him a grandchild. As if that's not enough, he actually got the right guy for the Valencia job. Surprise! While it's still early to see whether Marcelino the Amigo can replicate the class of Unai "so do they serve unagi kabayaki over there in Paris?" Emery (yes, he did manage Los Che before), any local can't help but feel that picking a fight with the Singaporean Kim Kardashian is sooooo... well, yesterday. Marcelino didn't have exactly the best headstart career-wise. I think he got sacked left, right, and centre before Villareal decided to risk sinking its submarino amarillo. As it turned out, the submarino never ate a torpedo. Hence, was it any wonder that Mr Lim has to "beg" Marcelino to be his... well, new Che? Right now, the Los Che faithful have to be careful. On one hand, it feels good to see a change in fortune. Just ask any Boro faithful on how they felt when they went up. On the other hand, however, Valencia is no Middlesbrough. There will always be some manner of expectation, one way or another. If this goes wrong again, I don't want to imagine whether Singaporeans will be strongly discouraged from touring Valencia due to tempers flaring and riots happening. The greatest challenge Marcelino has to face as Peter's new amigo is this: How is he going to navigate the so-called first season syndrome? Lest we forget, Valencia was hitting the hot streak. Yet, after the first season had given so many faithful the courage to believe again, their beloved team began to look more like a puta than a dignified Señorita.

As for Barcelona, Ivan "the Great" Rakitić currently has some... well, reservations about his amigo. Now let me just conclude this post with my analysis on whether Lionel"El Pequeño Leon" Messi should leave. After all, I'm not in the holy business of predicting things.

Let me just get this clear, once and for all:

Messi, you better not leave the team which has become your second family. Think about what you can do as a player. Others may think you can make it big in other teams. Big teams. Teams equally big. While I'm sure no one will slaughter a pig in your honour (or at least I hope not), I know what kind of player you are. I'm not going to judge you for dodging taxes and things like that. I'm only a half-baked ITE graduate who refuses to bend the knee before the Singaporean brand of intellectual success.

Seeing you reminds me a bit of myself. Before Barcelona took you in, you're a reject. I know how it feels. I was rejected by my own country's educational system in the same way you were waiting for a chance to shine despite the odds. I know there is a reason why your country places so much hope on you. I know that such expectations are absurd in every sense of the word. Because of this, many a coach has suffered undue pressure. Because of this, I know Jorge Sampaoli is now undergoing massive stress.

You are a player who thrives in a system you're familiar with. This is the reason why you can mesmerise so many fans all over the world. This is the reason why you're compared with Diego Maradona (minus the Falklands War and the Hand of Man). Yet, this is also the reason that your own people turn on you. It is totally unfair to you, for you are a genius. And since you are a genius, people will elevate you to the position of God. Utterly unreasonable and totally laughable, I say! Sir Isaac Newton was a genius, but he was never God Himself.

I know your weakness and your strength. They are both the same: Your ability to thrive and flourish in a system where you would always be at the centre stage. Pep was the one making it possible, you have never looked back since. Your weakness is your strength and vice versa, 'tis the reason why you're indeed a genius. Therefore, please don't forsake the team which has become your second family. You will live to regret it if you make the wrong call. Your legacy will be tainted in a manner worse than that of Luís Figo. See out your career at where you first started off and have continued doing so till now.

Best wishes from El Bastardo de Singapur here.

Follow the Leeder (i.e. My take on the nearest thing to a derby)

Okay, I know this post title is really provocative. It's like how Newcastle see Boro. Location wise, derby. Real derby wise, never ever will be good enough. Let me just get the good, bad and ugly out of the way first: If you think we the Boro can nick this one-nil or three, you're a moron. Period.

Derby matches (with or without Derby County) can be chaotic at times. Most of the time, in fact. The form book will be thrown out of the window and you can be very sure Glenn "the Karma" Hoddle would always wonder why karma enjoys cursing his beloved Spurs regardless of form, quality, and Arsène "Le Professeur X" Wenger. Therefore, I wasn't surprised that a dull grey Sunderland bereft of Simon "his football may be dull grey, but it sure is effective" Grayson got a one-nil defeat from us instead of getting stuffed 3-0 like a Thanksgiving turkey. If even the likes of a rudderless Sunderland could put up a fight worth every derby penny, imagine what Leeds can do. I'm not about to predict things. I suck at this kind of thing, to be honest. And besides, I'm sure Thomas "the great Dane of the Mediterranean" Christiansen knows more about my beloved Boro than what I (professed to) know about his Leeds.

Before I start talking about the Leeder...
(Skip this b/c I'm gonna talk some crap about Karanka of Basque)

Let's talk about something weird. Just yesterday, I got a shock from Japan. I suspect it might be my friend Randy and/or his wife Lydia since the source read like "from your FB profile". The problem is, I don't remember either or both being football fans.

Hopefully, no one will tell me it's actually Aragaki "unrelated to Gaki no Tsukai" Yui.
I will kill whoever the 野郎 telling me that unless undeniable evidence is given.

However, this part is never about Japan, Randy/Lydia, or Yui. Rather, it's about Aitor "El AK-47" Karanka.

On a major hindsight, there's no way Karanka would say "yes" to Ellis "not Tall" Short. In fact, it seems that Chris "not Martin" Coleman has agreed to take the job. On one hand, there's this obvious fact that Señor AK-47 is never one about money. I know this sounds snobbish, but he did snub the material comfort offered by London (and Steve "not to be confused with other Steves" Parish). Then the next thing we knew, he's at the northeast where the steel is as cold as winter while passion is as hot as summer. Simply put, there's no difference between snubbing the Mackems and the Crystals. So no, any move to the opposite end of the northeast won't make any sense from Karanka's lofty standard.

At the same time, there's a reason why I gave him the AK-47 nickname here. Like someone armed with an actual AK-47 rifle, Señor Karanka is never one to crack a joke in public. He's basically Sir A. Fergie minus the cynical wit and Scottish blood. Definitely, he's no J-Mou because... well, I'm sure he never called Catalonia a pito nation hell-bent on independence.

The tweet is... for the lack of a better way to put it, anti-Karanka. It's like expecting Diego "El Lobo" Simeone to behave like a gentleman. It's not gonna happen. Period. Ultimately, the greater question is a big fat WHY. Karanka isn't someone born to troll. Yes, he can be more than a wee bit abrasive as a disciplinarian (something which was a gorilla on his back until the day he got the sack). But still, being a hardcore disciplinarian means there's no reason for him to pull off what I'd call an attempt at humour (whether Bob "not the Hydra Bob" Mortimer would approve of it is another question altogether). I'm very very VERY SURE that he's like Cable, not Deadpool.

So where will he go from King's Cross Station? Will he take a trip to Hogwarts? Will he take a trip to Heathrow Airport? If so, will he try hunting me down at the SGH? Nah, doubt so. In case the #IMPOSSIBRU happens, someone please tell him to refer to Mr and Mrs Sim of the DDR. After all, I doubt the CT-MRI folks would notice this lobo here walking past the glass door more oft than not. The safest way, however, is going straight to Blk 8 and look for my boss Kingpin Wilson Fisk.

And now, it's back to the Leeder

Unless I have more space to write more crap, this post will be all about the Yorkshire derby. I still remember walking along a pavement at Jalan Membina years ago. That area is where I live btw. There's this bloke, I assumed he's English. Why I assumed he's English is very simple: He was wearing a Leeds jersey in an era where George "the black St George of York" Weah was already part of history together with David "not O'Hara" O'Leary and Peter "so did he get rid of the taxman?" Ridsdale. I think that was 2-3 years ago.

How times have changed. Fast forward to now and we're gonna have a Leeds-Boro Yorkshire fight! While I won't call this the closest thing to an Old Firm brawl (I do think Singaporean football is now like Scottish football, though), I won't be surprised if the atmosphere will be outright electric. The Leeds faithful have never forgiven our Welsh Monk since he decided not to continue as their beloved Leeder. The wrath was evident, the anger has never abated even once.

This is how the Welsh Monk is currently perceived at Elland Rd in a nutshell.

Quite obviously, the players have a thing or two to prove. The Boro lads will have a thing or two to prove to their Welsh Monk, the same goes for the Leeds lads as well. In fact, I won't be surprised if BFF Pep will be switching on his TV just for this particular 90 mins (note that BFF Pep refers to Clotet, not Guardiola).

Strategy, tactics, and dissecting it like a boss

To understand how the great Dane of the Mediterranean will (possibly) play his cards, one needs to know our Welsh Monk's current weakness. Assuming we'll be seeing a 4-2-3-1 (for some funny reason, the English are now hooked on something made famous by the Germans and I don't mean the Oktoberfest girls), the chink in our armour lies in the two holding mids. While I'm still waiting to see any semblance of stability in that position, let's assume the starting two will be Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer. One is a Mackem, the other an ex-Leeder. One is a combative son of a gun, the other is more of a hold-and-pass. In any given 4-2-3-1, the second number is the most important part of the formation. Without a stable partnership in the holding mid area, the back 4 would be brutally exposed. Mark my words, the great Dane of the Mediterranean will be aiming at Grant and Jonny. Like a sniper, he will tell his lads to press us down the centre. The moment they score on this front, we're in trouble. They don't have to draw first blood on an asap basis. In fact, I won't be surprised if an early goal won't pop up. All the grand Leeder needs to do is to make sure nothing will come out from the turrets apart from fouls and more fouls.

So how can this be done, you might ask. The verdict on our current 4-2-3-1 is still open to the judge and jury. Just because it's fairly effective against a rudderless Sunderland doesn't mean it will be effective against a Leeds team with its rudder still intact. At the same time, only 3 pts separate us from the Leeders. What it means is this: A goal difference of -2 coming from them won't matter much if they managed to pull a derby win over us. Championship football is not for the faint-hearted. If the Premier League has the glitz of Hollywood (minus Steingate and other related scandals in the business ofc), then the Championship has the cutthroat nature of Korean showbiz. One slip-up for us can easily mean the start of a momentum for them. Given the acrimonious manner of the Welsh Monk's departure (apparently, different stories are being told from different perspectives), slipping up means gifting the chasing pack the license to rev up and go. It won't just be Leeds alone, trust me. If we win, however, it means we can secure 5th spot. At least temporarily. Throw in the fact that we have to face Derby (not to be confused with derby matches) and Birmingham before that, we're actually under more pressure than the opposition. The great Dane of the Mediterranean knows it. And he will exploit it. He's no idiot, he knows where our jugular is. If I can see this coming, it means the same for him. They will want to start a fight in the middle third minus the red. They will want to disrupt the middle triangle of our 4-2-3-1. And trust me, it's very easy for them.

Why it's so easy for them and not for us?

Yes, yes, I know who we have up front. We have Martin "the great black Dane" Braithwaite currently on fire. Who would have imagined him playing a wee bit like that guy who famously sent the whole nation of Denmark into retirement? While he has yet to play on the right, he's starting to prove himself as a creative centre-forward in the hole 9. In front of him is Britt "Hollywood got a big Brad Pitt and we got a big bad Britt" Assombalonga. Right now, I won't be surprised if the dressing room is full of Michael Jackson's You Know I'm Bad being played at half time and full time. The problem is this: It's all useless if they manage to cut in from the width while bossing play at the other end of the width. Something they will definitely do.

I've seen their starting lineup against Derby (again, not to be confused with derby matches). The reason why I didn't choose to refer to their last game is very simple: It's an away game. It doesn't matter whether it's Brentford or Bradford. The difference between away games and home games tend to be the strategic approach. While it's not a hard-and-fast logic, I find using Derby as a reference to be a better gauge. Home game? Check. A potential rival for promotion? You got it right.

Two players stand out for me. Samuel "not to be confused with Samus Aran" Sáiz Alonso and Kemar "he will never hoof it to the roof" Roofe. Two players, one similar mould. I'm talking about the fact that they can play anywhere in the firing line. Winger? Yep. Forward? You got it. Attacking mid? Double confirm plus triple affirm. To me, they are the ones holding the key to whether their boss will be Hrothgar or Beowulf (ofc it goes without saying that the Welsh Monk will be welcomed like Unferth instead of Beowulf). One in hole 9, the other out wide. So long there's a way for them to hold down the ball, it's three men against two. Let's do the maths here (based on the Derby match).

Us: Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer

Them: The male Samus Aran, the badass from Kedar, and a 6 ft+ Hamburglar.

In the game of football where 90 mins of action (minus the whistle and stoppage time) is also known as the Ninety Minutes War (not to be confused with the Hundred Years War where Edward of Woodstock made his name as a military legend). Simply put, the players are the soldiers. Three versus two on a flat terrain, we will be brutally murdered. No questions asked, only hanged, drawn, and quartered. If we cannot establish a stranglehold via a central triangle, we're... well, hanged, drawn, and quartered. Our man in the hole 9 needs to up his game. Those playing in the holding mid must up their game.

Special spotlight: Getting it right at the back via the rightback

Miley Cyrus "neither Malcolm nor a Persian" Christie is officially banned from this match. It's like imagine Miley "not a citrus" Cyrus Christie getting a MTV Awards ban over whatever WTH moment she pulled off. I'm not sure if the latter case did happen (or even whether Adam "not a Christopher" Lambert got banned over... well, I'm not gonna say it), our Christie did get the ban. The equation is very simple: It doesn't matter which Cyrus you are. 5 WTH moments and the banhammer comes (1-2 such moments if you're actually crazy enough).

Therefore, it's going to be a toss-up between Fábio and the Shotgun. The former has undergone quite a few criticism over his inconsistency. While it'd be unfair to call him the defensive version of Adama "hopefully not a Djimi" Traoré, getting exposed like Harvey Weinstein is not a joke. In this sense, he's lucky the boss is now a Welsh (Monk) instead of the previous one from Basque. Otherwise, Karanka would have him busking in the streets of Basque. Against Leeds, the Welsh Monk is in for a fix. Should it be a Brazillian gunning forward or a Shotgun holding down the ammo? This is not just a decision to decide who gets to start. More importantly, this is a strategic decision where the Welsh Monk may live or die as a result.

Tbh, I tried flipping the tactical board around. Not physically, but in my head. It's not good news. I'm referring to the fact that Roofe will be having a go at bringing the roof down on us.

P.S: Before I end this post, I need to inform our Welsh Monk on two things: Their four by two and the likelihood that the great Dane of the Mediterranean will employ a ball anchor out wide. By my own guess, that's where Leeds will try to hold it down and play it forward.