This is how you nail your target...

Tonight's fixture is anything but surreal. 3 years ago, I never foresaw the reality concerning my beautiful legal housebreaker. After all, we're two different people in two different worlds. She likes artists like Jay "not Mr Chow" Chou and Jason "not Bourne's identity" Mraz. As for me, I prefer songs like Metalingus and Foolish Heart. She likes feel-good plots while I actually have a taste for dark stories ranging from The Children of Húrin to insane stuff like Berserk and A Song of Ice and Fire. As for her heroes, they're most likely the ones played by Jesseca "the Queen" Liu and her BFFs in the drama The Queen. Me? I actually have a soft spot for bastards like Jon Snow (literally one), Tyrion Lannister (possibly one), and Archer (figuratively one).

You're right, Thory. Opposites do attract lol!

The magic formula behind Leicester City's Cinderella tale last season was down to the genius of one person. Namely Claudio "will he usher a new Julio-Claudian era?" Ranieri. His tactics may be simple, but can a simple 2+2 strategy win you the league title? The answer is no. Otherwise, England would have won another silverware post-1966. As it turned out, we're now looking at the Three Pussy Cats instead of the Three Lions; instead of a St George, we're now looking at a living Lonesome George (credit to Salted Fish for this piece of info).

Ranieri's strategy may easily boil down to a combination of reverse psychology and dressing room camaraderie. Put things this way: If I know what you're thinking about, does that mean you'll know what is my next move? The answer is no. If we're talking about 4-4-2 English style, this is something both parties know about. You know your long ball, I know both your long ball and mine. By simplifying the 4-4-2 approach, it's actually very easy for Ranieri to second guess the opponent's counter-approach. If you think he's the only one capable of doing so, however, you'll be sorely disappointed.

I don't know anything about local Spanish and S'porean Chinese, but I know this super racist song.

Why the first part's title?

The reason is very simple. It was actually her who started the first move.

Then I decided using words to woo my beautiful legal housebreaker instead of money and credit cards. (very novel, huh?).

In the same way she baited me first, the foxes of England also did the same thing. As the so-called inferior kids, they're not obligated to go forward and play the ball forward. As the so-called elite kids, the opposition was forced to play it forward.

In fact, this is possibly the reason why Leicester is now having contrasting fortunes atm. All over the European continent, the opposition doesn't have a clue to neutralize this strategy. You go forward, you die. You park the bus without the ball, the fans will make sure you die. Ofc there will always be notable exceptions. Namely, #thefootballtrollinggod himself.

On the domestic front, however, that's where things came unstuck. In England, football is all about 4-4-2. More than any other footballing ethnicity, the Anglo-Saxons are hopelessly in love with 4-4-2. If you're capable of dealing a 4-4-2 reverse psychology, then to quote Martin "he's no Donnie" Yan: "so can you."

Notable injuries?

Unless TNP is out to bluff me like those fellows from the Sky, it's safe to assume that Leicester will have to make do without Kasper "friendly ghost for them, not friendly to the opponents" Schmeichel and Leonardo "neither Italian nor the ninja turtle" Ulloa. This means one thing. Leicester is in somewhat of a disadvantage. The thing with our opponents tonight is this: They're expected to win, karma or good karma. The thing with us tonight is this: We're not expected to win, genius or no genius.

Knowing Ranieri for who he is, I'm very sure he won't need any encouragement to tell his players this. Knowing Señor, he will tell our lads not to back down from a fight.

The good thing with our defeat against Chelsea is this: We have shown the stomach for a fight, no matter which team we're dealing with. It's not a matter of win, lose, or draw. It's not a matter of losing 1-0, 2-0, or even 20-0. So what if we're to face Barcelona? To quote the Rock: "IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!!"

A lot has been said about our guts, but what about the firing squad? We're organized like brothers taking the black, we defended like Ned Stark's bastard against those offensive wildlings. As a tactician, Señor thinks more like someone in red rather than someone in blue.

Being the lone amigo upfront, one can't help but feel sorry for Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo.

Dear fellow amigos in red, this is my happy face.

Then we have Jordan "he's no Air Jordan" Rhodes who may (not) be leaving us anytime soon. Defence prevents losses, but goals win you matches. Period.

The encouraging part last week is this: Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte opted for a defensive approach upon the clock winding down. Against a newly promoted team, this can be interpreted in two ways. Either you're playing the coward (i.e. Il Bestia was guilty of breaking character) or you know the opposition can and will not be fixed that easily (i.e. we're guilty of breaking pundits and punters alike). Thing is that Señor opted for a more attacking approach by that time. Given the gap in quality, surely we're opening ourselves up for the second goal for the sake of an equaliser which may never come (and never come, it did).

I'm seeing encouraging signs instead of pundits and tipsters moaning about boring Boro (ironically, Gareth "Sir Gawain or Sir Beaumains?" Southgate was the one who first tried breaking our character post-McClaren years before Mogga came along). Period.

My advice for Señor? I'm seeing two of the most dangerous running men here. Namely Marc "not under Marc Jacobs" Albrighton and Riyadh "first name sounds like Riyadh, last name sounds like Jason Mraz" Mahrez. The former offers a direct touchline option, the latter offering trickery and movement. Ranieri will most likely be telling the likes of Jamie "life of the party" Vardy to disrupt us down the centre. It really depends on how high or deep the bus will be parked. The higher the bus parked, the more likelihood we'll be seeing defensive action from the holding mid area. Conversely speaking, it means our attack will be bearing the brunt if Leicester opts for a deep Roman entrenchment strategy. Our holding mids will either be heroes or villains. No matter how I see it, central disruption will be coming their (i.e. our 2 CMs) way. Also, it seems that Antonio "he's no El Desperado" Barragán is fast looking like our El Mariachi on the RB position.

BoA

BoA. So what does it stands for? I still remember when we're all young and stupid like a certain Brock, we enjoyed making lewd jokes at the expense of the other party's celeb idol. In fact, I recalled there was this one guy in my 32 SIB named TSJ. He was a fan of Jolin "the G-irl" Tsai and I was a hopeless fanboy of BoA.

I forgot what triggered the convo below though...

TSJ: You don't lie to me. If BoA asked you to have sex with her, would you say yes?

Me: ...

TSJ: You don't tell me your answer is no hor!

Me: Actually yes...

We all are bastards. Jon, Gendry, and me.
Can you blame me for being a reject of the society?


Okay, let's make this quick...

It's a good thing that I've commented more than once on Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte's tactic. Because I don't feel like upping links from my own handiwork, let me just summarise his strategy in a nutshell: wingbacks.

While he was a steward of Rome, an effective wingback strategy was the reason why Gli Azzurri was able to confound critics and naysayers alike. Not only does this mean Conte is intelligent, it also points to the fact that quite frankly, he's a genius. Sadly, the Roman genius met his match in the form of a Teutonic genius.

To make his 3-5-2 work last time round, there's a need to have a ball playing centreback. While it's a bummer for the correct fans in blue to see the back of John "will he be stoned?" Stones, Conte pulled off a strategic masterstroke in the form of David "he plays ball like how another David played the harp" Luiz. Previously ridiculed for being a clown, the reason behind many a joke lies in the fact that... well, he's a ball playing centreback not so unlike Stones. Under José "think he's now looking like the old O Especial" Mourinho, he was a joke because we're talking about someone who thinks like Dunga. Under Dunga... okay, let it rest. Luiz's resurrection has never been about class. He still has it. Unfortunately, telling him to do things like a stereotypical centreback is like telling a true blue creative genius to behave like a stereotypical student within the S'porean context. Which is just wrong. Plain damn wrong.

Under the eyes of a pragmatic coach, Luiz will never be appreciated. Under Conte, he flourished.

The Duke of Hazard

He's fast, he's blue, and he's Belgian. Not only is Belgium famous for the beer, chocs, waffles, and mussels, it's also famous for Jean-Claude "not Van Damned" Van Damme and the Duke of Hazard.

A lot has been said about Diego "El Bestia" Costa, but something needs to be said about Eden "the Duke" Hazard. He collects the ball like an angmoh Casanova picking up local S'porean girls, he left his markers like that damn car in the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Previously ridiculed over his flatter-to-deceive reputation, he's now the MRI under Conte. If Luiz is that artistic bloke holding down play and passing the ball beyond the midfield, then Hazard is that Messi Ronaldo Incarnate cum that son of a gun (hence the need for MRI).

While Conte's beasts still retain their commander's philosophy of controlling play via the defensive width, the 3-4-3 system is all about liberating the most dangerous player in blue right now. Namely the living footballing Hazard. Blessed with a turn of pace, the explosive nature of his speed could easily rival whatever H-bomb or A-bomb Pyongyang is now making.

In order to unleash him, however, Conte needed to have an effective foil. To hold up the ball, so that Hazard has the license to kill like Sir Sean "why so many Scottish knights?" Connery while he was still saying "The name's Bond. James Bond."

Conte's job is not just to score goals. As a centre forward, yes his job is to score goals. As part of the team, however, his job is to unleash another beast in blue.

With two effective wingbacks capable of pace and control, what this means is very simple: Riverside has to brace itself, for winter is coming.

My advice to Señor? Conte's choice of attacking 3 will define how the game is played (this is not considering, however, any changes done to the width). In the form of Costa, we have to deal with that absolute beast of a man not unlike that hulking dude lucky enough to date Emma "Duchess of Megawatts" Watson. In the form of Hazard, we have to deal with that fastest son of a gun. In  the form of Pedro "not a pedo" Rodriguez, we have a proven goal poacher whose speed is second only to Hazard. Against N'Golo 'Le Karate Noir" Kanté and Nemanja "don't call him Vidić unless you wanna die"Matić, we have to deal with hardcore central midfield pairing which would make the likes of Bryan 'RobboCop" Robson and Roy "take that, you *bleep!*" Keane go "wth has Utd been doing for the past N years?"

Ultimately, we need to play this brave. We need to dig in deep, we need to force Conte's hand by limiting the ammo supply to the width. Far better it is for us to let the do that than for Chelsea to run riot via ammo supply from both the centre and width. We don't have to play it deep, that's too intiutive. We have to play it smart by parking the bus at the centre. Our back 4 need to be at their finest best, we'll need 7 BFF Jews instead of just one BFF Friend. The moment we can limit Costa's positioning (read: do not let him anywhere in the 20 yrd box if possible at all), we have a chance of winning this (or at least getting something out of nothing). There has to be a consistency when it comes to the first person to the ball within the firing line. The identity of that fellow will define how Conte will play his final 3rd strategy. Will he be El Bestia or the Duke of Hazard? That's the most important question of the match.

P.S: I'm gutted to say that we only have a Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez as the answer to Conte's firing squad. Then again, who knows we may some kind of 3rd party intervention?

Steve was right during my NSF days.
I should start thinking like a normal S'porean.

Beauty and the Beast?

Come next year March 17, we'll be seeing quite a bit of English flair. Aptly entitled Beauty and the Beast, it stars Emma "Duchess of Megawatts" Watson as the titular Belle Dan "not the judge" Stevens as the titular Beast, and Luke "the Bard" Evans as Gaston (not to be confused with our very own Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez).

Very soon, we'll be seeing Beauty vs the Beast. Namely, Man City versus Middlesbrough, superstars versus the ugly ducklings, Hermione Granger versus Dobby the House Elf. Ironically, this will also pit one established genius against an upstart genius.

Ladies and gentlemen, I officially give you...

Genius and the Bastard

Don't we all hate bastards? They're ill-disciplined, ill-educated, and... well, perhaps a wee bit retarded as well. However, the British have a funny way of expressing their appreciation for such characters. It's called that son of a gun. William the Conqueror was also known as William the Bastard, do you know that? In a Song of Ice and Fire, the most memorable heroes are actually bastards, do you know that?

If Pep "El Genio" Guardiola is the genius, who then is Le Bâtard d'Singapour?

50 mins left, let's make this quick...

I'll go straight to the point like a beast going straight for the jugular. Who are the key men under Pep and his merry guards? Is it Sergio "Izuna-kun" Agüero? As much as the pundits like his goals and derring-do, my answer is "not him". Is it John "will he be stoned by end of season?" Stones? As much as plenty of pundits are gushing over the next great English hope since Greece 2004, my answer is "not him". Is it Kevin "der Brynhildr" De Bruyne? As much as plenty of pundits enjoy seeing him making a fool out of Pep's ex-enemy, my answer is still no.

Just get straight to the point, bastard!

Let's go for the jugular, let's talk about 4-1-4-1. It's nigh impossible to predict Pep tactically, therefore the only way is to try predicting him in terms of strategy. 4-1-4-1 in his dictionary basically reads like 4-3-3 post-transition. To make this work, two players are of utmost importance. Or rather two positions. The first one is that 5th amigo at the back. In which is this case is Fernandinho. The second one is İlkay "der Gandr" Gündoğan.

As the 5th amigo, Fernandinho's job is dual-fold. He's the first man in the defensive line. In this case, he's a ball winner. Yet at the same time, he's also the first man to pass the ball. In this case, he's a ball passer. With a 4 man midfield in front, it means he can be afforded the luxury of making choices with the ball. This is unlike the 4-2-3-1 approach done by Manuel "hope he doesn't dive like a peregrine falcon" Pellegrini where there's more space for counter-offensive teams to exploit via 3 attacking mids instead of 4.

Then we have der Gandr himself. This guy is a monster, someone who is strong with the ball. Quintessentially the Tiger Strong of the squad, he shields the ball well and passes the ball with short/mid range precision. He's no Toni "Stark" Kroos where the ball can be released 30 yards out like some kind of insane repulsor beam launcher. However, the presence of De Bruyne means he doesn't have to do an Iron Man anyway.

It's no coincidence that der Gandr and Izuna-kun combined very damned well in a short span of time. Tennis world may be mourning the death of Santina, but the footballing world may now be popping the champaigne on the birth of Gündoro.

My advice to Señor? Don't park the bus, that'd give De Bruyne another chance to mock his ex-boss in the same way Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift has always been dissing her 7 (?) Evil (?) Exes. Don't play it high because we're no Liverpool, we don't do der gegenpress. City will be making plenty of noise in the wake of beating Barcelona, something which may haunt Sir A.Fergie in ages to come. Play it in between the defensive 3rd and middle 3rd. If der Gandr gets himself forward, the onus will be on our defensive spine. If De Bruyne moves forward, it means both our BFF leftback and whoever on the right must steel their resolve (with that being said, De Bruyne does have a better passing range). The offensive width may look scary (actually, it really is), but it merely means we need to break and counter at a breakneck speed. If the chance comes to pull the trigger, consequences be damned and just shoot. I don't care whether it goes in or not. Just fire it like Han Solo.

P.S: I don't expect us to get anything out of this match, but if we do... well, let's just dedicate it to my fellow bastard who deserves some reprieve after getting scolded by an old... okay, think I should just let it rest.