Battle of Camlann, anyone?

The inevitable has finally happened. Señor got sacked and Steve "you better not laugh, Steve Ang Eng Hock" Agnew now has to play the Steward of Gondor. While I'm not about to insinuate who is Denethor II and who is Aragorn II Elessar here, I decided to help out in any manner I'm able to.

Before I start... my fellow Boro fans can skip this part

The reason why is very simple. It's just a little rant on my life. You see, I've been used to being talked down. No one gave me a two hoots chance to be a decent human being (read: earning a decent income via a decent job). At this point of time, I'm left with this question: Do my family understand me? The difference between being addicted to PC games and being a freak in concentration lies in whether the other person really understands you. I'm not sure whether my mother understands her son. Period. Therefore, I'm going to tag the usual suspects for this post. Not the least my sister.

Note: Actually come to think of it, I believe my super mignonne legal housebreaker actually understands me. Just that she has yet to enter my life officially.

Add note: I still remember someone during my NSF days in 32 SIB saying this to me.

CPL: You have a Chrisitan name?

Me: No.

CPL: Then you should be called Roger.

Me: Why?

CPL: BECAUSE YOU'RE 弱智!!!!

If you don't understand Chinese, it's okay. Basically, the Chinese characters mean "retarded". Going by the pronunciation, it really sounds like Roger. While we all know who is Roger the Rabbit, I doubt my CPL knew who was Roger the Swiss back then.

Okay, my fellow Boro fans... you all can switch on now

Will our season end up like the Charlton match last season? Back then, we got a rumoured bust-up between boss and subordinate(s). The boss has to sit back at home, Agnew was the man in charge for the 90 minutes. Now let me be this frank: I didn't think Agnew is the one to lead us forward should there be a second Le Révolution Française (for those who need Google translate, it means The French Revolution in... well, French). That was back then, I'll not pull back any punches by saying he's got much more to prove than Señor. Of course, I may be proven wrong. I'm always happy to see people do that when it comes to judgement of character, believe it or not. Last time round when Rafa "if he's the Nadal of football, then who should be that Federer?" Benítez took over Chelsea. My prediction was that he would screw the club. Ultimately, he proved me wrong.

Now the interesting situation Agnew may now be facing is that of a lesser stress. Yes, we all are still sweating over the fears of relegation. Unlike last time round, however, Agnew doesn't have to live in another person's shadow right now. So what should Agnew do to enhance his CV by end of the season?

A/N: To Alan "Captain Britain" Shearer, my message to you is "don't laugh". Period. Remember what happened to Newcastle last time round? Even if we're to get relegated, it won't give you any end-of-season bonus from your boss.

Backroom staff

It's a no-brainer for me to say Boro Steve should just keep everyone else. While this may present a risk in authority being undermined, this can also be seen as a test of character. If anyone wants to leave, let him leave. If anyone wants to stay, let him stay. On the other hand, I doubt Boro Steve would have the time to gather his backroom staff anyway...

One person of note would be  Leo "El León" Percovich. Boro Steve has to keep him. Yes, he's a visible page of the Karanka era. However, this only means said history is full of the good things (Let's admit it, lads and ladies. We wouldn't have gotten promotion without Señor. Period). In fact, there was this one time where he hulked up during a Championship fixture. I forgot which one, but I'm sure my fellow Boro-thers in arms would have remembered such a moment.

It feels so much like the Beatles' "Yesterday"...

A glaring pattern which I've noticed so far on Señor's signings is the fact that 90% of them are Spanish. Even though Adama "will he be the black George Best or the next Djimi?" Traoré isn't one, we all know he can speak Spanish because of Barcelona. Given Percovich's charisma (or at least that what I perceived from him) and the fact that he's an Uruguayan (even though the name Percovich sounds weirdly Serbian), he can play the bridge between Boro Steve and players like Gastón "hopefully still El Bestia Bello" Ramírez and Cristhian "still no Arnie on the right" Stuani.

In the event where Boro Steve got the Boro job from his namesake boss, who should he get as no.2? Or rather, who should be the first pick? Two names come to mind. The first will be Dave "the Mars bars wrapper guy" Parnaby. We need a stabilising factor in the light of whatever going on, both behind the scenes and on the pitch. Our Mars bars wrapper guy is definitely our Stan the Man if you're to ask me. The other person would be Fabrizio "will he be our Caesar Favoloso Aurelius?" Ravanelli. If our Mars bars wrapper guy represents the safe side of my advice, then our Caesar (?) Favoloso (?) Aurelius (?) would be that risk-taking aspect. Why I say that is very simple. Ravanelli got sacked before in the land of Franks. Since he has already stated the desire to be Boro's Next Top Gaffer, why not give him a chance? Like Boro Steve, I doubt he's the right man. Like Boro Steve, I'm looking forward to seeing whether he can prove me wrong.

Note: Because Ravanelli was part of the coaching staff of La Fidanzata d'Italia from 2011 to 2013, I decided to go Google search on who was the head coach back then. After all, the head coach may easily tell us a thing or two. You're not gonna believe my bullshit. If you think I'm really bullshitting, go Google search unless you're in China (then again, I doubt you'll be able to read this if you're really in China).

Add note: There's a good reason why I use La Fidanzata d'Italia instead of the more commonly known Juventus. I just want to impress my super mignonne legal housebreaker.

The players (because no formation can work without them)

The fans want a 4-4-2 asap. The reason why being that this is a 2 striker system. However, it must also be stated that 4-2-3-1 can also be seen as another form of 2 striker system so long the correct guy is playing in the hole. Back when Jürgen "Der Kop" Klopp was bossing both Borussia Dortmund and the Bundesliga, one player was scoring for free and I'm not referring to Robert "the Poles are still waiting for their Lews Therin Telamon" Lewandowski. It's Kagawa "he may have made the Kagawa Prefecture famous" Shinji. Despite not being a striker per se, he's still playing like a second striker. Which means with the right players, you can easily do a two-striker system with a 4-2-3-1. Don't forget, we still have Patrick "he's waiting to go BAM! BAM! BAM!" Bamford.

Because I don't want to give Boro Steve too much stress (after all, I'm gonna post this at the relevant Boro FB page), let me just focus on one aspect of the team and one player.

Aspect of the team: Midfield

You may think I'm barking mad like Ian "he's funny and crazy like me" Holloway. After all, we need goals! However, it must be stated that a great midfield will always contribute to a great attack. If the fans want to see our lads entering attack mode, something needs to be fixed where the midfield is concerned. If I tell you three holding mids are good enough, you'd most likely think I've gone off my rocker. And quite rightfully so. It's not rocket science, I don't have to be a Jewish rocket scientist to tell you THIS BS APPROACH WON'T WORK!!!!!

It's a no-brainer, we need someone to link up play from the midfield to the attack. We need a good midfield to retain possession and play it forward. Sounds like a tall ask? We have Viktor "yet to be crowned King Fischer I" Fischer the right Gastón, players who can play anywhere across the midfield. We have Adam "not Charles, but Stephen" Clayton who can win the ball and add some steel in the middle 3rd. As for Marten "he fights like a marten, he runs like the Roon" de Roon, I'd hate to see him go. Period.

Of course, there are also some notable names which I chose not to... well, name. After all, there's no point for me to do that. It's like telling me what do we need to do about our defence. My answer to this question?

Above statement means Señor was never guilty of messing things up when it comes to the defence. Just only the defence.

Aspect of the player: Stewart "will he keep us from going down?" Downing

A lot has been said about Downing's possible role last time around. This time round, the bust-up looks far more real than whatever bs journalism coming from the Sun concerning the Hillsborough tragedy last time round.

If Boro Steve wants to rally the troops ahead of time, perhaps Downing is the key. As a local Boro lad, he can earn himself the hero status by being the standard bearer. In war, you don't let your standard bearer go down. Likewise, it's high time for Downing to prove his worth. Under Big Uncle Sam at West Ham, he reinvented himself as a deep-lying midfielder passing the ball from the left side of a three-man midfield. If there's a weakness in him, it would be asking him to play further up (in other words, he would just go down faster than a bird shot dead in mid-flight).

The only role I can foresee him playing is the same role Big Uncle Sam gave him last time round. We can laugh at the Fat Sam football logic, but there's no denying that West Ham was never guilty of play the Fat Sam football under Big Uncle Sam last time round.

However, this approach will only work if we have two wide players eager to run back and forth like two Anglo-Saxons frothing in the mouth. Either that or we may need to play the real Fischer and the right Gastón at the flanks.

P.S: Please note that 4-3-3 and 4-2-3-1 may present a great deal of difference to each other if Downing is to play that midfield fulcrum.

Will we make that Potter look stupid?

Well, guess what? Alan "Captain Britain" Shearer must be laughing like a looney waiting to be sent to the asylum. Prior to this season, he predicted we'll get relegated. Fast forward to 2017 and we're really guilty of making him look like a prophet. Never mind the fact that Gareth "Gawain or Beaumains?" Southgate got the England job ahead of him (let alone the chances of him actually being smarter than his more illustrious compatriot). The fact is, we will need someone smarter than Harry Potter to save us from the drop. Last time round, we got Terry "E.T" Venables bailing out Bryan "was Captain Britain before Shearer" Robson. This time round... well, I guess Señor will be better off relying on Harry Potter.

Of course, we all know Harry Potter is fictional. But what if crazy things are capable of happening in the world of football? If Emma "not a Stone, but still a talented Emma" Watson was guilty of shocking feminists all over the world by giving men an additional excuse to indulge in sexual fantasies, what makes us think we can't pull off a Bonny and Clyde against a team synonymous with Harry Potter?

Note: Because I'm may be planning to up my Boro-related posts on the Middlesbrough F.C Till We Die Facebook page where I'm the only Asian alive there, it means I'll have to put all things Boro on top of the list first.

Add note: To those in that Facebook page, you only need to read the first part unless you got nothing better to do.

More add note: Gonna tag my cousin Mark. Blame Hughes, don't blame me.

Boro, Potters, and the wish to gte our very own Harry

We are in trouble. The goals are not coming and we're losing the plot 1-0 at a time. Only a fool will expect a Harry to bail us out. Yet, the romantic in us will always play the rebel. Doesn't matter if it's Harry Houdini, Harry Potter, or the real life Harry Lee Kuan Yew who have sadly passed away years ago.

Against the Potters, what must we do to ensure a win? As improbable and crazy this may sound, it's still possible. After all, no one expected Hermione Granger to pose topless last time round.

If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VIP, what will be your answer? If it's Joe "not his fault to be called a Xavi Joe" Allen, you're right. If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VVIP, what will be your answer?

If you don't know the answer to my second question, it's fine. I don't expect people to think like me since we're all born to be unique as human beings.

Firstly, let's assume the people at Sky are not misleading me with the formation. The reason why being that during match days, the formation sheet they put is no different from a magic trick done by David "not the son of Jesse" Blaine. To make things even more insane, it's always about Boro's matches.

The first list was Stoke versus Watford. Why I chose Watford is because we're quite similar to the Hornets when it comes ball retention (read: minus the passing). As for Crystal Palace, it is because our defensive organisation reads quite a bit like parking Fat Sam in front of the goal (okay, I know that's very evil of me to use the Fat Sam derby logic as an inspiration).

Two players stood out for me. Apart from Xavi Joe ofc.

The first one is Charlie "not a Chaplin" Adam. The other one? The guy who got to know Xavi Joe's fellow Welsh in the most ironic fashion.

Whether the Gooners like it or not, Shawcross has matured as a player since that horror tackle. In order to make Mark "not my cousin Mark" Hughes' formation work, Shawcross' industry and organisation is integral. In fact, his presence in the heart of all things defending is the reason why Hughes' midfield is purring like happy cat right now.

As for Adam, his presence means one thing. The ability to pass the ball forward. It may sound banal, but trust me when I say it gives Allen the license to roam forward. This approach would ensure Stoke maintaining its defensive shape after the ball has been played into the opponent's half. At the same time, this tandem of 2A (wait, why am I making it sound as if they're some K-pop idol boy band?) will ensure Stoke being able to stretch the play from their own defensive 3rd to our defensive 3rd.

In other words, playing it deep like what we always do is never an option against Stoke. Especially given that we'll be playing at their home ground. We won't have enough firepower to bother Shawcross and we may not even last 45 mins without conceding. The quality of Xavi Joe and Marko "the real Arnie on the right" Arnautović means we can't camp inside our 20 yard greenhouse hoping for a set piece smash and grab. They'll just make us pay for our cowardice. And that's not considering Saido "last name sounds Brazilian" Berahino as part of Hughes' plans as well.

Things we must do:
Firstly, we need to come out fighting. If we can't do a thing about their attacking four, we take the fight to them via the space between their backline and firing squad. We have to first assume Hughes will be stretching play from one end of the pitch to the other. We can't assume other possibilities because... well, there's no point thinking so much.

Assuming we're able to do that, it means Hughes will be forced to make a decision. Will he play the backline higher in order to close us down or will he want the firing squad to fall back?

The first option will ensure Stoke being able to maintain the pressure. However, it will also give our backline some much-needed breathing space since we're now so well-known for doing siege tactics right from the whistle (that is so long our midfield don't mess this up). The second option is all about a counter-offensive approach where Hughes will have to make every foray count. Which will basically give Señor more reasons to do a Fat Sam in front of goal.

On the first glance, we're in trouble. However, I don't see a reason why we can't win this one even though it's their own turf. If there should be a lesson learnt from the Palace defeat, it'd be the midfield. Big Uncle Sam played a 4-1-4-1. This should have been a warning sign that he's out to seize the initiative instead of sitting back like always. In the first half, we're totally gimped in the middle 3rd. If we do this again this weekend, we deserved to be killed 3-0 or even 4-0.

Key to our survival would be the midfield. Not just the middle 3, mind you. But the five amigos, whoever they will be. We need the holding mids, the wide attacking mids, and central attacking mid. We can't have a weak link anywhere in the middle more than anywhere else. Unlike Palace, Stoke is not a guaranteed prawn sandwich (read: if compacting the defence, midfield, and attack doesn't sound like making a sandwich, I don't know what else is).

Okay, time to wind down and cool down...

Let's talk about the greatest shock happening so far in the past few weeks. Even more than a topless shot featuring Hermione Granger, Luis "he actually did a Figo like Figo himself" Enrique announced "I quit" by end of this season. The Los Che faithful could be forgiven for having that déjà vu feeling if I say so myself. After all, Unai "not some Spanish unagi" Emery did pretty much the same thing in his final season at the Mestalla (unfortunately for Peter "from El Santo to El Diablo" Lim, I think Monsieur Emery is currently enjoying his life of dual-citizenship atm).

Let's cut short the chase. So who are the forerunners and who is my ideal pick if I can have a say myself?

If there's any amigo whom Señor would love to have as his BFF on Facebook, it'd be Ernesto "El Zeus" Valverde. Both have deep ties with Athletic Bilbao, both are quite obviously Spanish, and... well, I guess Señor must have been a great admirer of his fellow Los Leones in a tactical sense. A great man of defensive organisation, a great organiser of fantastic football as well. Like Enrique, he made his name by starting from the bottom of the food chain (well, not literally, but you get me). Like Enrique, he has a positive history with Barca unlike Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

As someone who started off as a talented small fry like Enrique, I won't be surprised if part of Valverde's mentality does mirror that of Enrique. However, I'm not sure if he can fix Barca's defensive woes. Remember, folks. Before Enrique became famous at Barca, he had to prove himself via a lowly team named Celta Vigo. No offence intended to Los Célticos, but they don't have La Masia and dinero aplenty.

I'm a very terrible person, yes I know that. If the above 3 panel strip looks like someone praying for money, only to strike lottery, that's because I've got a warped sense of humour no thanks to the system of idiocracy that goes something like this. Outspoken and outright charismatic, it's no surprise that Jorge "pretty sure his agent isn't Jorge Mendes" Sampaoli managed to vanquish whatever possible trauma resulting from Emery's departure where Sevilla is concerned. Whether he gets the nod depends on how well the people upstairs are willing to deal with a maverick in every sense of the word. Remember, folks. This Jorge is no Valdano or Mendes. He's Sampaoli and he does things his way. Either that or his highway. When we look at individuals like Sir A.Fergie, Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the late Steve Jobs, they proved one thing to every keen-eyed observer. And that is charisma is always divisive, that charisma has the potential to polarise views and divide opinions. Sampaoli's charisma can go a long way in galvanising the dressing room due to the absurdly high expectations piled upon a team like Barcelona. But the risk of this very same charisma sparking the ire of the boardroom is also very real. After all, having charisma means you have a strong character in real life.

Because I need to get to the most important part of my post asap, I have to cut this short. The last man on the list is a Johnny Foreigner from France. When we talk about Le Président, two things come to mind: François "he's being filled like a stuffed turkey atm" Fillon and white rights hysteria sparked by Marine "my pen is mightier than your sword!" Le Pen. And that's not to mention the third thing, namely François "why always François?!?" Hollande stepping down with nary a bite.

Then we have the third Le Président. Namely Laurent "hope Le Pen won't politicise his last name" Blanc. Currently living off his savings and searching for a job good enough for him, I find Le Président to be an interesting outsider here. His footballing philosophy won't fit Barca's aggressive tiki-taka. Yet, his style does mirror tiki-taka in the ball retention sense. Which means you won't see any team under Monsieur Blanc passing the ball sideways and backwards like what we're now doing in the northeast of England (interestingly enough, I actually made a joke tweet about this Monsieur taking over from Señor if things really go terribly wrong for us). If Monsieur Blanc is to be the next El Jefe, it means his immediate task is to ease the older players into retirement by finding a way to let them go out with all guns blazing. While at the same time blooding youngsters (and hopefully the next Xavi and Messi).

My verdict:

Most of the time, I enjoy going against the popular vote. I enjoy adopting the counter-intuitive approach just to make myself feel better. However, I have to say Valverde gets my nod. Firstly, Barca has a tradition of playing it safe when it comes to choosing the next top chief commander. They will never opt for any Tom, Dick, or Harry for the post. Even if it's Harry Potter, they won't consider him unless someone can prove to them Godric Gryffindor was related to the club.

Sampaoli is a good pick when it comes to philosophy and charisma, but what he also represents is unfamiliar territory due to what I said above. I doubt the boardroom will be so daring to throw the die so as to speak. And this is not considering whether his charisma will create problems for the boardroom even if every member of the dressing room votes for him.

As for Blanc, his philosophy won't sit well with the boardroom. However, his man-management skill is something which Barca needs urgently if what Guillem "not #GB11" Balague implied is really true.

["...There is a lack of synergy with all the players. The message is not getting through to them and Enrique has decided to depart before having to recycle the side or making some big decisions, which he doesn't want to do."]

After all, he did fix the national mess left behind by Raymond "it's written in the stars!" Domenech. Alas for the fact that football is still results-oriented.