Of course, we all know Harry Potter is fictional. But what if crazy things are capable of happening in the world of football? If Emma "not a Stone, but still a talented Emma" Watson was guilty of shocking feminists all over the world by giving men an additional excuse to indulge in sexual fantasies, what makes us think we can't pull off a Bonny and Clyde against a team synonymous with Harry Potter?
Note: Because I'm may be planning to up my Boro-related posts on the Middlesbrough F.C Till We Die Facebook page where I'm the only Asian alive there, it means I'll have to put all things Boro on top of the list first.
Add note: To those in that Facebook page, you only need to read the first part unless you got nothing better to do.
More add note: Gonna tag my cousin Mark. Blame Hughes, don't blame me.
Boro, Potters, and the wish to gte our very own Harry
We are in trouble. The goals are not coming and we're losing the plot 1-0 at a time. Only a fool will expect a Harry to bail us out. Yet, the romantic in us will always play the rebel. Doesn't matter if it's Harry Houdini, Harry Potter, or the real life Harry Lee Kuan Yew who have sadly passed away years ago.
Against the Potters, what must we do to ensure a win? As improbable and crazy this may sound, it's still possible. After all, no one expected Hermione Granger to pose topless last time round.
If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VIP, what will be your answer? If it's Joe "not his fault to be called a Xavi Joe" Allen, you're right. If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VVIP, what will be your answer?
If you don't know the answer to my second question, it's fine. I don't expect people to think like me since we're all born to be unique as human beings.
The first list was Stoke versus Watford. Why I chose Watford is because we're quite similar to the Hornets when it comes ball retention (read: minus the passing). As for Crystal Palace, it is because our defensive organisation reads quite a bit like parking Fat Sam in front of the goal (okay, I know that's very evil of me to use the Fat Sam derby logic as an inspiration).
Two players stood out for me. Apart from Xavi Joe ofc.
The first one is Charlie "not a Chaplin" Adam. The other one? The guy who got to know Xavi Joe's fellow Welsh in the most ironic fashion.
Whether the Gooners like it or not, Shawcross has matured as a player since that horror tackle. In order to make Mark "not my cousin Mark" Hughes' formation work, Shawcross' industry and organisation is integral. In fact, his presence in the heart of all things defending is the reason why Hughes' midfield is purring like happy cat right now.
As for Adam, his presence means one thing. The ability to pass the ball forward. It may sound banal, but trust me when I say it gives Allen the license to roam forward. This approach would ensure Stoke maintaining its defensive shape after the ball has been played into the opponent's half. At the same time, this tandem of 2A (wait, why am I making it sound as if they're some K-pop idol boy band?) will ensure Stoke being able to stretch the play from their own defensive 3rd to our defensive 3rd.
In other words, playing it deep like what we always do is never an option against Stoke. Especially given that we'll be playing at their home ground. We won't have enough firepower to bother Shawcross and we may not even last 45 mins without conceding. The quality of Xavi Joe and Marko "the real Arnie on the right" Arnautović means we can't camp inside our 20 yard greenhouse hoping for a set piece smash and grab. They'll just make us pay for our cowardice. And that's not considering Saido "last name sounds Brazilian" Berahino as part of Hughes' plans as well.
Things we must do:
Firstly, we need to come out fighting. If we can't do a thing about their attacking four, we take the fight to them via the space between their backline and firing squad. We have to first assume Hughes will be stretching play from one end of the pitch to the other. We can't assume other possibilities because... well, there's no point thinking so much.
Assuming we're able to do that, it means Hughes will be forced to make a decision. Will he play the backline higher in order to close us down or will he want the firing squad to fall back?
The first option will ensure Stoke being able to maintain the pressure. However, it will also give our backline some much-needed breathing space since we're now so well-known for doing siege tactics right from the whistle (that is so long our midfield don't mess this up). The second option is all about a counter-offensive approach where Hughes will have to make every foray count. Which will basically give Señor more reasons to do a Fat Sam in front of goal.
On the first glance, we're in trouble. However, I don't see a reason why we can't win this one even though it's their own turf. If there should be a lesson learnt from the Palace defeat, it'd be the midfield. Big Uncle Sam played a 4-1-4-1. This should have been a warning sign that he's out to seize the initiative instead of sitting back like always. In the first half, we're totally gimped in the middle 3rd. If we do this again this weekend, we deserved to be killed 3-0 or even 4-0.
Key to our survival would be the midfield. Not just the middle 3, mind you. But the five amigos, whoever they will be. We need the holding mids, the wide attacking mids, and central attacking mid. We can't have a weak link anywhere in the middle more than anywhere else. Unlike Palace, Stoke is not a guaranteed prawn sandwich (read: if compacting the defence, midfield, and attack doesn't sound like making a sandwich, I don't know what else is).
Okay, time to wind down and cool down...
Let's talk about the greatest shock happening so far in the past few weeks. Even more than a topless shot featuring Hermione Granger, Luis "he actually did a Figo like Figo himself" Enrique announced "I quit" by end of this season. The Los Che faithful could be forgiven for having that déjà vu feeling if I say so myself. After all, Unai "not some Spanish unagi" Emery did pretty much the same thing in his final season at the Mestalla (unfortunately for Peter "from El Santo to El Diablo" Lim, I think Monsieur Emery is currently enjoying his life of dual-citizenship atm).
Let's cut short the chase. So who are the forerunners and who is my ideal pick if I can have a say myself?
If there's any amigo whom Señor would love to have as his BFF on Facebook, it'd be Ernesto "El Zeus" Valverde. Both have deep ties with Athletic Bilbao, both are quite obviously Spanish, and... well, I guess Señor must have been a great admirer of his fellow Los Leones in a tactical sense. A great man of defensive organisation, a great organiser of fantastic football as well. Like Enrique, he made his name by starting from the bottom of the food chain (well, not literally, but you get me). Like Enrique, he has a positive history with Barca unlike Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
As someone who started off as a talented small fry like Enrique, I won't be surprised if part of Valverde's mentality does mirror that of Enrique. However, I'm not sure if he can fix Barca's defensive woes. Remember, folks. Before Enrique became famous at Barca, he had to prove himself via a lowly team named Celta Vigo. No offence intended to Los Célticos, but they don't have La Masia and dinero aplenty.
I'm a very terrible person, yes I know that. If the above 3 panel strip looks like someone praying for money, only to strike lottery, that's because I've got a warped sense of humour no thanks to the system of idiocracy that goes something like this. Outspoken and outright charismatic, it's no surprise that Jorge "pretty sure his agent isn't Jorge Mendes" Sampaoli managed to vanquish whatever possible trauma resulting from Emery's departure where Sevilla is concerned. Whether he gets the nod depends on how well the people upstairs are willing to deal with a maverick in every sense of the word. Remember, folks. This Jorge is no Valdano or Mendes. He's Sampaoli and he does things his way. Either that or his highway. When we look at individuals like Sir A.Fergie, Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the late Steve Jobs, they proved one thing to every keen-eyed observer. And that is charisma is always divisive, that charisma has the potential to polarise views and divide opinions. Sampaoli's charisma can go a long way in galvanising the dressing room due to the absurdly high expectations piled upon a team like Barcelona. But the risk of this very same charisma sparking the ire of the boardroom is also very real. After all, having charisma means you have a strong character in real life.
Then we have the third Le Président. Namely Laurent "hope Le Pen won't politicise his last name" Blanc. Currently living off his savings and searching for a job good enough for him, I find Le Président to be an interesting outsider here. His footballing philosophy won't fit Barca's aggressive tiki-taka. Yet, his style does mirror tiki-taka in the ball retention sense. Which means you won't see any team under Monsieur Blanc passing the ball sideways and backwards like what we're now doing in the northeast of England (interestingly enough, I actually made a joke tweet about this Monsieur taking over from Señor if things really go terribly wrong for us). If Monsieur Blanc is to be the next El Jefe, it means his immediate task is to ease the older players into retirement by finding a way to let them go out with all guns blazing. While at the same time blooding youngsters (and hopefully the next Xavi and Messi).
My verdict:
Most of the time, I enjoy going against the popular vote. I enjoy adopting the counter-intuitive approach just to make myself feel better. However, I have to say Valverde gets my nod. Firstly, Barca has a tradition of playing it safe when it comes to choosing the next top chief commander. They will never opt for any Tom, Dick, or Harry for the post. Even if it's Harry Potter, they won't consider him unless someone can prove to them Godric Gryffindor was related to the club.
Sampaoli is a good pick when it comes to philosophy and charisma, but what he also represents is unfamiliar territory due to what I said above. I doubt the boardroom will be so daring to throw the die so as to speak. And this is not considering whether his charisma will create problems for the boardroom even if every member of the dressing room votes for him.
As for Blanc, his philosophy won't sit well with the boardroom. However, his man-management skill is something which Barca needs urgently if what Guillem "not #GB11" Balague implied is really true.
["...There is a lack of synergy with all the players. The message is not getting through to them and Enrique has decided to depart before having to recycle the side or making some big decisions, which he doesn't want to do."]
After all, he did fix the national mess left behind by Raymond "it's written in the stars!" Domenech. Alas for the fact that football is still results-oriented.
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