Recently, I realised the weather here in S'pore has gotten hotter. Currently, daytime temperature can go like 35 degrees celsius while nighttime temperature is now around 29-31 degrees celsius. All I can say here is brace yourselves, summer is coming.
And speaking of summer...
Hopefully I can start a write up on the Summer Festival event for Tueur de Roi. At the same time, I'm liking the feel of using Korey. Now before any member of SHyn Corp thinks I'm a pervert like what Wani of the retail pharmacy enjoy saying (jokingly ofc, I mean Wani), let me show you guys something before a Korean decides to hire the service of Drew & Napier.
Whoops, wrong image.
Sorry.
Should be the one below...
So there we have it...
The quarter-finals of this year's Euro. Hopefully I can finish covering all 8 fixtures instead of doing a Pt I to VIII.
Białe Orły
VS
A Selecção das Quinas
First up, Poland and Portugal. Suffice to say, neither team has yet to set the tourney alight. In the form of Robert "will he become Lews Therin Telamon?" Lewandowski, the Poles have the most potent six-footer hitman (albeit that's due to the absence of Le Benz). In the form of Cristiano "I don't come from Brazil" Ronaldo, the Portuguese have the most charismatic player still in the tourney. The only catch? Neither RL9 nor CR7 is currently deemed deserving of accolades worthy of their stature.
Let's talk about the Portuguese Armada first. The only match where we saw the real CR7 was against Hungary during the group stage. Against Croatia, the whole damn team chose to tank. Call it a twisted sense of humour from the footballing gods, but it also happened that Croatia chose to do the same. In fact, the only reason why the media chose to talk about Portugal tanking the 90 mins is due to the Croats being eliminated as a result. Can you imagine Bernard "the Tank of Oz" Tomic playing against Nick "the Tank Down Under" Kyrgios at the Australian Open men's singles final, only to see both tanks... well, tanking each other? That's how bad the Portugal-Croatia match was.
Then we have the Poles. Originally, much was expected from them. It's like anticipating a team of witchers to annihilate a mob of monsters, only to have a certain Ciri to bail them out instead (ok, I know Ciri is also a witcher. Happy?). Defensively, they're good. Going forward, their attack was as slow as a heavy infantry battalion marching through a forest. In other words, brace yourselves. A boring match is coming.
If you don't know who this Polish bloke is, let me introduce to you Jakub "I don't know how to pronounce his blasted last name" Błaszczykowski. Despite having a name which 99% of my fellow local S'poreans most likely can't pronounce properly, he's quintessentially the Polish hero of the moment. Forget about the reincarnation of Lews Therin Telamon or Rand al'Thor. The Poles now have an unexpected hero in the form of Perrin Aybara. In a tourney where no one expected a 30 yr old bloke to bail out a nation in a major tournament, Błaszczykowski was the reason why the Poles were able to do a 1-0 instead of doing a 0-0. His presence ultimately showed where the battle will be won.
If you think I'm being crazy by upping unrelated content, think again. As the song title suggests, both teams will be caught in the middle. In other words, it's going to be a match of attrition all over the middle 3rd. The team with a more robust midfield will control the battle, the team with a faster wing play will win the war. Do not be surprised if this fixture will last till AET or beyond. If this one can be ended by 90 minutes, it should be seen as the best form of euthanasia. Period.
Y Dreigiau
VS
De Rode Duivels/Les Diables Rouges/Die Roten Teufel
Not so long ago, Wales as a footballing nation is only known for a certain Ryan "I don't break other people's legs" Giggs. Not so long ago, Belgium as a footballing nation is only known for the beer, chocolates, waffles, mussels, and Jean-Claude "not Van Damned" Van Damme. And yes, we also have one of the finest female tennis players in the form of Justine "she doesn't hit like the Williams" Henin. How the times have changed. Cardiff and Swansea managed to prove the conspiracy theorists wrong by securing promotion (after all, the Welsh ain't English). Belgium managed to prove that with fine food comes a brand of football equally fine.
If you ended up at the Wall, it means your life must have sucked terribly hard. Not only that, it also means your life is doomed to suck even harder. While this is no indication of how it feels to be a Belgian or Welsh, the key victory (for one nation) and defeat (for the other) lies in the thankless task of manning the wall. For the Welsh, it's all about 5 men across the width, whether it's down at the back or up front in the midfield. For the Belgians, it's all about 6 men behind 4, a four by two formation (no racist jokes please. I'm no Cockney). Interestingly enough, Jon Snow was made a steward of the Night's Watch for a very good reason. It's called leadership.
Ultimately, it won't be the Welsh tenacity or Belgian finesse which will win the match. At the same time, it's never down to Gareth "not Christian" Bale or Eden "the Duke of Hazard" Hazard to win the match. Hell, it's not even Aaron "will his next missile destroy ISIS?" Ramsey, Kevin "the male Brünnhilde" De Bruyne, or even Joe "not Ledley" Allen.
Rather, it's all about how fast either team can stage that counter-offensive which matters most. As what Romelu "the black Romulus" Lukaku has already proven against the Irish, it's down to tactical cohesion in a collective sense. Something the English failed to understand for the past donkey years. Perhaps even now.
Next up: The last 2 fixtures aka The (Footballing) Gods Must be Crazy.
I'm now officially testing myself. To see who well I can in making things short and succinct. As we all know, the last two matches of the last round of 16 will be on the cards. Come 0.5 hrs' time, we'll have two Latin nations having a go at each other. Around 2-3 hrs later, we have two Aryan nations having a go at each other. I'll be very brief here, so don't blink your eyes.
Repubblica Italiana versus Reino de España
There's something funny abt Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte's Gli Azzurri. It's called the lopsided syndrome. Whenever the team starts scoring 4 teh lolz, the backline will start leaking goals like Barcelona. Whenever they start conceding less, the firing squad will start scoring like a stereotypical Mourinho team. I doubt Vicente "El Zorro" del Bosque would be dumb enough not to notice it unless someone tells me I should be the head coach of La Furia Roja instead. Which is totally dumb quite obviously.
A lot has been said about Andrés "El Gigante" Iniesta being the giant amongst both men and boys. A lot has been said about the matchup of the tourney, namely Il Bestia vs El Gigante. Or at least that's how TNP dubbed this showdown. Let me just say that the key to victory (for one team) and defeat (for the other) lies in the width. Iniesta is a legend in the art of ball passing in the same manner Zlatan "I send entire nations and people into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović is a legend in goal scoring. However, a 3-5-2 means the key lies in the two wide men. By creating a horseshoe back 3, Daniele "Il Lupo" De Rossi has officially become the Romulus of the team. It's pointless to try finding a way down the centre. That'll be outright retarded. La Furia Roja can only try finding space between the wingbacks and central 3. Which is easier said than done. Pace and aggression out wide will win the Battle of Latins, mark my words. For La Furia Roja, the only way for the team to prevent itself from becoming La Furia Rojak lies in the attacking width rather than just one man pulling the strings. For Gli Azzurri, the only way for them to whip a dish of Latin rojak is to... well, you think I'll be saying width?
Wrong. It's whatever going down the centre instead of bottoms up from the back.
England versus Ísland
My fellow S'poreans should be proud of yours truly associating our island nation with Island. Basically, Island is Iceland in Icelandic. This is a gross mismatch. Plenty of romantics and optimists will be licking their lips for an England win. Cynics and realists will point out that the ball tends to be round instead of oval. So what's my take here?
Firstly, Roy "yet to be of the Rovers" Hodgson needs to find an effective firing 3 lest he gets himself fired like some unlucky apprentice. His selection on this dept will make or break the nation's heart. Slovakia was a case of ol 'Roy breaking character. Saw Raheem "show me the real Sterling" Sterling flanking Harry "will he finally become a scoring tropical storm?" Kane with Daniel "he dances like a partridge" Sturridge on the other flank (that is unless ol' Roy decided to play Kane out wide). It'd be interesting to see whether this dynamic trio will pry apart the Icelandic mountain range. Or maybe said mountain range will turn out to be a chain of volcanoes over 9000 times more disastrous than the Pacific Ring of Fire.
I think we all agree it sucks to be Vegeta...
Key to victory (for one team) and defeat (for the other) lies in the central midfield. If England has to pull back two black blokes to form a 5 bloke midfield even 1/3 of the time, then we can officially rename England as Engrand in the same way the Three Lions should rename themselves as the Three Pussy Cats. And yes, I know you can have 2 central mids with 2 wide mids. You think I'm stupid? If you want to think like Heather Chua just because I graduate from some It's The End institute, it means you're dumber than you look (i.e. you're actually too dumb to live).
P.S: It's absolutely ridiculous. I actually created a new character for my Neverwinter roster. Namely Korey. Thankfully, it's impossible for me to create the visual equivalent of this beautiful Korean lady below. SHyn Corp would have hunted me down like a dog waiting to be cooked otherwise.
Add P.S: Because I'm too lazy like Super Mario Götze, I decided to add one more label in Tueur de Roi. Tentatively named "Wanted by SHyn Corp: Dead or Alive".
Got work tomorrow. Can't stay up too late. Final last 16 fixture of the day.
Magyarország versus Koninkrijk België/Royaume de Belgique/Königreich Belgien
Pretty sure this post will be gone in 60 secs. Anyway, let's get straight to the point, shall we? Most likely the question on everyone's lips is this: Will we see the Hungarian (bus) express? At this point of time, it seems that Marc "not Jacobs" Wilmots may have found a magic formula to address the defensive frailty which had dogged De Rode Duivels/Les Diables Rouges/Die Roten Teufel prior to the tournament. Credit to Wilmots here (and possibly Michel "not Platini" Sablon as well since he's currently in France watching his nation playing live). Against Italy, the firing squad could not shoot straight (it's either that or Conte was out to close shop. More on that in a future post). Against Ireland, the opposition became a victim of fast counterattacking football. When it comes to Sweden, this was where positive signs in the defensive dept started to rear its beautiful head.
Mr Sablon said that his beloved devils tend to play better against teams which are to attack instead of parking the bus (or at least that's what he may have implied). Both on paper and logically speaking, Hungary will surely park the bus. But that's where the simple part ends.
Hungary will not want to make up the numbers here. Currently the surprise package of the tournament, surely Nemzeti Tizenegy would have taken heart in the Tale of Two Irelands. If the Belgians are all about technique and finesse, then the Hungarians are all about pace and tenacity.
Possible approach
Both are doing a 4-2-3-1, the new look of modern day football. The interesting thing about 4-2-3-1 lies in the fact that it offers quite a bit of tactical flexibility. In short, it's a question of how far you want to push rather than a zero sum 4-3-3/4-4-1/4-5-1/whatever formation. This will be my question as well (not that I can watch this match since I need to sleep soon). How far is Belgium willing to stretch the Hungarians? How far is Hungary willing disrupt play? Key to how the match will pan out is dependant on the open space between the back 6 and firing 4.
Something tells me that Hungary will not park the bus despite what others may say. The danger behind such an approach lies in this guy below.
I'm not referring to that guy in the picture, I'm talking about another guy named Kevin "not De Brünnhilde" De Bruyne. Def the architect of all things offensive (in a footballing sense ofc), it seems that he's relishing the freedom a certain George "best of the best in Belfast" Best had enjoyed under the late Sir Matt Busby. If Best was all about pace and trickery, then De Bruyne is all about brilliance with the ball. He's not exactly the fastest man alive in the country (that'd most likely be Eden "the Duke of Hazard" Hazard), but he's possibly the smartest guy in the dressing room. While he's deployed mainly in hole 9, De Bruyne is nevertheless capable of drifting towards the right in order to keep the opposition guessing. Hungary cannot afford to give him the time and space on the ball. Against Hazard, they can just lock him out of their own half. Against De Bruyne, this isn't gonna work. Hungary will have no choice but to park the bus upfront instead of doing so in front of goal.
And before I go to sleep...
Let me just say that the key for Belgium to win this one is never about De Bruyne or Hazard. How Wilmots will play his hand in the central mid dept will be key to whether Belgium can weather the Hungarian storm. Someone has to link up play from the back to the midfield further upfront, just don't ask me who. At the same time, the very same central midfield has to ensure Hungary doesn't overrun the middle 3rd (something which isn't beyond their physical style of play). The moment Wilmots can strike a perfect balance between holding the fort and linking the fort, Hungary will be in trouble. Conversely speaking, it also means Hungary needs to find a way to disrupt the Belgian tempo via the open space between their four by two and the rest.
I doubt this match will be a pretty one. Despite Belgium's pedigree and Hungary's aggression, I suspect we may see a somewhat cagey affair in the middle 3rd where one false move will be tantamount to suicide.
What? That's it? Nothing more to add?
Answer is no. C'mon, you really think I don't have a life?
Don't we all love the Starks? When Ned got the IS treatment, the entire fanbase went into pieces (supposedly, Ned was widely touted to be that unkillable main character for around 1/3 of the first book). When Robb got brutally robbed in ways more than one, the entire fanbase hit doomsday mode. When Jon "died", the entire fanbase was grateful for Kit "Snow" Harrington trolling them (to highlight the absurdity of HBO's gimmick stunt, it's like Xiaxue being thankful for the Ministry of Public Rail Transport for this. And no, you don't have to Google check for the relevant government ministry). And yes, we all know karma is a bitch, her name is Sansa.
Bundesrepublik Deutschland versus Slovenská republika
This is it, another blockbuster 90 minutes of the last 16. However, it must also be stated that compared to the current 90 minutes going on right now, Germany vs Slovakia is... well, a mere sideshow. Quite obviously, no one would be touting this match as the footballing equivalent of Angelique "Die Engel" Kerber vs Belinda "tak benci" Bencic. Rather, it's more likely to be a case of Die Engel herself vs Daniela "she's got legs like Stacy Keibler" Hantuchová (tennis fans/Bencers will understand the joke unlike the rest. And no, I'm neither of them).
Recently, Joachim "his reach is really low" Löw got himself into the headlines for all the wrong reason. From Bavaria to Hamburg, whether you're a Singaporean, German, or just about any kind of human being there, surely you'd most likely update your FB status to "Disgusting. Totally disgusted" after traumatising yourself over the footage. More so if you're a woman/girl/lady. Even more disgusting is the fact that I used to do this during my secondary school days. I'm not guilty of reaching below, but I did do some other disgusting stuff on the par with this German Löw. When I look back on it, I realised a few things.
1. Before the German Löw, we already got the Singaporean Löw.
2. If this is to be an indication of intellectual superiority since a genius is bound to be called "siao", then it means great minds think alike in ways more than just a few. Yes, I know it's an "ewww..." moment
3. I hope my future girlfriend doesn't have a BFF working in Hamburg right now. In the event my worst fear comes true, I need to show both my future girlfriend and her BFF this.
Enough about toilet humour, this kind of joke belongs to shows like Beavis and Butthead. Let's talk some serious stuff here. Like Les Bleus, Die Nationalelf has yet to hit peak form. Yet, the signs at group stage is anything by assuring. When I say the Franks has yet to peak, it's actually a good thing. For the Saxons, it's a case of same concept=different situation. Michael "currently barracking his nation" Ballack had something damning to say. Namely this. Needless to say, the entire (?) Saxon (?) dressing room chose to emulatetheir much hated Anglo-Saxon neighbour. I'm not about to take sides, but I have to admit the greatest problem lies in the lone vorhut role. I won't be surprised if Löw is currently in a state of limbo strategy-wise. Neither Mario looked like Super Mario so far in the group stages, far better it should be for Löw to field a Luigi. Götze's lack of big match consistency is destroying his international career while Gómez has never been part of Löw's plan. In fact, I suspect the only reason why Gómez had a shot at Northern Ireland was down to a sense of frustration caused by Götze's apparent no-show as the false 9. Which now comes to this kerl below.
Long story short, just play this kerl in the false 9. Seriously Herr Löw, I'm not joking. This kerl is your only bet of reprieve! Case in point: 2 years ago in Brazil. What are you waiting for? To see Hantuchová defeating Kerber in this year's Wimbledon? Götze, don't laugh. If you can't play yourself into the team, then don't expect to start in the team. As for you, Gómez... okay, I admit you gave me plenty of wth moments 8 years ago. It was a nightmare. Like Selena "definitely not a footballer" Gomez experiencing a mic malfunction on the stage. As for you, Herr Ballack, don't feel so smug. I can guarantee the whole of Germany, from Bavaria to Hamburg, that all Herr Löw needs to do is to fix the attacking 3 behind Der Vorhut (whoever the kerl is gonna be since I don't pick the team any more than Herr Ballack).
Make no mistakes, damen und herren. The Slavs will approach the match like what they did against your Anglo-Saxon neighbour. They'll most likely park the bus and prevent your beloved Nationalelf from penetrating their half of the middle 3rd. I just saw their team sheet. 4-3-3? Just shift 2 guys back and you have a 4-5-1. Exactly the same deal as England not so long ago...
P.S: Need to end this post. Will be doing my final 3rd of today's last of 16 fixtures. Maybe a bit of gaming first. Just finished my brief Sharandar run with Arylos der Königsmörder.
Apparently, I only got 1.5 hrs to finish this. If this post doesn't look entertaining to you, that's because Tony "Pulis says 'freeze!'" Pulis has never been known to be given the kind of budget fit for a king (more specifically King Louis XVII). In other news, Rowan "my daughter is hotter than David Moyes' lass" Atkinson has been officially outed as a prophet.
Fyi, you can just stop at 2:10
In other news, I decided to swear off Facebook for the next few days. Maybe even a week. One thing I realized about online social media usage is that it can make you quite masochistic at times (or maybe even most of the time). On one hand, we tend to crave attention and recognition. On the other end, we're always game for punishment when it comes to nasty people since we're willing to risk everything in the name of narcissism. Unless it's just upping a monochrome profile photo of yourself, I strongly recommend swearing off Facebook (at least). Just don't ask me whether this stated act of self-expression is a form of narcissism.
République française versus Éire (or Airlann if you're an Ulster Scot)
This is it, Le Blockbuster itself. The highlight of the last 16. France versus Ireland, Les Bleus against the Green Army. This is Frankish cavalry against Gaelic skirmishers, Charlemagne versus Fionn mac Cumhaill. If the modern day Franks is the equivalent of Seth "Singaporeans hate my jokes" Rogen, then the Gaels is the equivalent of Jay "not Mr Chow" Chou.
The onus on Didier "he finally knows what he's doing" Deschamps is to draw up a match strategy capable of making Les Bleus into Les Champions instead of Les Misérables. Whether he can get Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba back to his best is merely secondary. After all, he's got a player capable of making that vital kebab pass with the ball.
It's quite apparent that France has yet to hit the ground running. However, this may also mean that Les Bleus has yet to hit Le Sommet. Monsieur Deschamps need to find an effective midfield game for the last few matches. And fast. The Irish will not be in a forgiving mood. Talks of vengeance may have been cooled by Martin "Michael, wa si lin laopeh" O'Neill and his jolly men in green, but surely that's because there is a difference between a footballing person and a football fan. Whether Monsieur Bleu sticks with a flat 3 midfield, flat 4 midfield width to width, or two holding mids and Le Bâtard (whoever he will be) in hole 9 will be key to Les Bleus becoming Les Misérable or Les Joyeuses.
Okay, team sheet is out...
No changes so far. Which means we're stuck with the same Three Musketeers. If O'Neill Sr says Ireland won't sit back, I'm pretty sure he means what he says. It's a no-brainer. The folks in green got nothing to lose. Give their all and lose, the media will only blame the gap in pedigree. Give their all and win, the media will surely start singing songs about Culann's Hound at last resurrected.
However, the attacking focus will not take place in the final 3rd. Rather, it will be a free for all between blue and green in a bid to control the opponent's midfield area (i.e. from the halfway line down to just outside of the opponent's 20 yard zone). Monsieur Bleu will need to do a direct box to box approach if he wants to get something out of this. How much he's willing to indulge Pogba in terms of deployment will have a major say in the score. At the same time, O'Neill Sr needs to strike a balance between composure and belligerence, ice and fire. Not so difficult when it comes to the defence, but potentially tricky if we're to talk about the midfield. Either way, it's interesting to see the St James Power Station in full force (not this one. but thisduo).
P.S: Only 16 mins to go, I need to end this post. Hopefully, I'll start a Pt Deux of this Pt Deux in the next 1-2 hrs. Think my gaming pangs is hitting me atm anyway.
Final P.S: Born in 1982, my Chinese zodiac sign is the hound. O'Neill Sr, you're officially motivated. If my future girlfriend happens to be a French speaking localgirl who is rich, beautiful, and intelligent, then to quote a certain German Oddrun...
Yay!!! I'm screwed!!!! -.-'
Realised I feel like adding an image or two 4 teh lolz...
Moral of the story: To that idealistic woman believing in what is indeed beautifully imperfect, you're officially notified. :P
In the last 24 hrs or so, I experienced quite a bit of emotional roller coaster. I've read up on the unwanted fallout in the aftermath of the Orlando shooting. I was absolutely gutted that the resultant vitriol actually reminded me of my traumatised past from Gan Eng Seng to the ITE. I detest being character assassinated, I don't like it when people assume they're right just because they refused to start their argument after understanding the other side of the coin. And no, I'm not fasting at the moment. As if this is not enough, I have people trying to pick a social media fight with me just because I have a problem with the NRA. Sometimes, it can be tiring trying to do the right thing and saying the right stuff. Is it any wonder then to see myself being identified with Archer and Emiya Shirou?
Okay, enough of my griping...
Hopefully, this post will enable me to vent my frustration since I can't socialise like a normal human being.
Format of the last 16
Quite obviously I'm not referring to the actual format, but rather that of my own analysis. Basically, I'll be going through all 8 matches. I need to be brief though since the first match starts in less than 2 hrs later.
Confoederatio Helvetica versus Rzeczpospolita Polska
So we have it, the first fixture on the list quite literally. So far, the group stages haven't exactly set the tourney alight. Apart from La Furia Roja enjoying a nice pre-Christmas meal and CR7 finally goaded to do something useful, there wasn't much to cheer about. As for Switzerland against Poland, I won't be surprised if it ended up becoming a decent scoring affair. Maybe we will even see a PtII@Wimbledon, who knows?
Offensively wise, it's quite hard to gauge the Swiss. Apart from France, the other two teams weren't exactly known for opening themselves up. Albania was playing like Stoke, Romania was playing like WBA, I'm actually referring to Pulis patrolling the technical area. The reason why I say it may be a decent scoring affair lies in Poland not willing to do it like Stoke, Crystal Palace, or WBA. Robert "will he become Lews Therin Telamon?" Lewandowski will want to prove a thing or two to his critics (not mention his new foreign talent boss as well). For some funny reason, however, I don't really recall him scoring a goal at all so far.
It will be interesting to see how the midfield battle will pan out. Granit "the Swiss granite" Xhaka will want to impress his new boss just like Big Lews himself. For the Poles, the key is for them to play the ball out from the midfield asap so that Big Lews will have a chance to be the new Lews Therin Telamon. Ultimately, I suspect it will be a match between the Swiss Gewalthut and Polish Hussars. Just don't ask me whether the two beautiful tennis ladies will take a leaf out of what I said here in the event where Wimbledon reenacts this match.
Cymru versus Tuaisceart Éireann (or Norlin Airlann if you're an Ulster Scot)
This is it. Dragon of the South versus Lugh himself. Like the kind of dragons we fantasy geeks are so fond of, the Welsh enjoy flexing their wing muscles at every moment. Like the son of Lugh, the Northern Irish will definitely approach the battle as if it is to be their last.
If the children of Lugh want to slay the reptilian brood, they need to find a way past the five-man wall. The moment they see two blokes moving up from the back, they will be most likely screwed. The Welsh will play it compact from the back till the midfield, width to width.
As for the Dragon Princes of Cymru, they need to find a way to break through the Norn Iron Fort. I just saw the team sheet (unless ofc Dragon Chris and Iron Michael end up altering their personnel), my advice to the neutrals is this: Unless you're either Welsh or Northern Irish, please skip this match. My reason for this statement is very simple. Imagine a back 5 playing against a middle 5. It's a no-brainer, it's not as if Germany is playing 5-3-2 and France doing a 4-5-1.
Suffice to say, this fixture feels weirdly like a Hollywood movie.
Republika Hrvatska versus República Portuguesa
There's a comedic touch to the whole Croatia-Portugal match. It's quintessentially a battle between two republics rather than one republic going against an empire. It feels almost like the soccer equivalent of Trump versus Cruz, Trump versus Rubio, or quintessentially Trump versus *insert any name from the GOP*. The greatest question on everyone's lips is this: Will we see the last of CR7 come the end of this international year?
While the Portuguese Ronaldo has a couple more years' worth of footballing fuel in his bionic tank, Croatia will surely be the last opponent Portugal wants in this round of 16. During 2012, the Portuguese Armada nearly destroyed the Spanish Conquistadors. Two years later, the Hrvatsko Konjaništvo went 2 goals better and destroyed the Spanish.
Make no mistake about it, failure for Portugal is not an option. Surely the press will not let up their slavering charge. Make no mistake about it, failure for Portugal is a very real possibility. Surely the tactics of Vatreni will place A Selecção das Quinas under the cosh from the midfield down to the back 4. The furious manner of destruction faced by La Furia Roja(k) shouldn't be taken lightly. Bereft of half their creative spark, the Croats nevertheless put the Spanish to the sword. With Tenser and Mordenkainen on standby, the only way for Portugal to make things count lies in how the team will play for Ronaldo. This will be a game of speed, chances, and tactical risks. The team which draws first blood may easily go on to win the match.
P.S: I discovered that the character of Xiao Shi Yi Lang actually reflects my inner world to a certain extent. I won't say that I'm dashing, but I resonate with him when it comes to his friendship with wolves. Apparently, human beings will stop at nothing when it comes to harming each other. Unlike wolves, that is. Interestingly enough, I accidentally stumbled upon this song via TV.
Add P.S: The Taiwanese drama my dad is watching now is making my emotional state into a bloody roller coaster now no thanks to one wicked woman out to destroy her kindhearted nemesis and her entire family. Either way, here's hoping I can calm myself down...
So this will be my last post until Saturday. Beyond that, I'm now getting a bit of flu and sore throat. So if this post seems sub-standard, please be assured that it really is.
The most straightforward group ever?
Fangirls of Cristiano "my name is Ronaldo and I'm not from Brazil" Ronaldo will be delighted to see Portugal being grouped in what is arguably the easiest group (and I say arguably because in football, the ball is definitely round). There will be plenty of shirt ripping, there will be plenty of Portuguese eye candy for the fairer sex. But more likely this anyway...
A Selecção das Quinas
Think I'll do this really fast. My flu is now trolling me like a CR7 doing multiple stepovers in front of a Sunday League centreback. Firstly and foremost, let us welcome back a familiar face of Nordic football. Namely Lars "not from Tekken" Lagerbäck. In fact, I believe Ibra knows him personally on a certain level. This time round, however, ol' Lars decided to cast his lot with another Nordic team in the same way Fandi "think he's having fun now with the national team" Ahmad actually started his football coaching career at Indonesia instead of Singapore.
Firstly and foremost, I'm having a bad vibe over what ol' Lars said here. We all know referees can be terribly dumb at times. In PC speak, we call this human error within a human game. Political incorrectness-wise, it means we all tend to be dumb most of the time. In the same way the gods in black are never gods beyond the 90 minute mark, likewise ol' Lars is no god as well. While his concerns are legit, he may have committed a fatal error. Mind games or no mind games, he risks rousing an animal. This animal has a name, let's call him Ronaldo.
In my Group E analysis, I said that there are only two world class players blessed with a world class charisma. Ibra is the first, the other is Ronaldo. So what constitutes to a world class charisma for a footballer?
Let's use these three bastards as a comparison.
In England, there are two types of bastards. The first kind of bastard is the negative bastard. Case in point: Austin Powers. The second kind of bastard is the positive bastard. Case in point: the Brits call this kind of bastard "son of a gun".
When we look at the three sons of a gun above, we know that they're charismatic. Either you love them or hate them. The haters hate them, their own players adore them. This isn't your everyday Hollywood story. Charisma isn't about whether you're a normal Swifty, a trolling Swifty, or just a delusional Swifty.
Charisma is all about dragging a team to victory when all hope seems lost. Charisma is all about fighting a seemingly lost cause, only to emerge the winner much to the cynics' dismay.
We have all seen Ibra doing that with Sweden, that was why (and not to mention how) he's able to retire the entire kingdom of Denmark single handedly. We all have seen what Ronaldo can do as that most individualistic talisman in the capital of Spain.
In case you all still don't know what I'm trying to say, let me just give ol' Lars a very dire warning:
Congrats, you shouldn't have said that to Ronaldo. Pepe, maybe. Ronaldo, hell no. He's gonna make your next 90 minutes of football into 90 minutes of stepover hell.
Title is self-explanatory. At this point of time, my parents have yet to realised that their son shouldn't be born in Singapore. Either way, I need to be quick. So what should be the key to Portugal ending their barren heartbreak? Firstly, Fernando "not Torres" Santos need to use the group phase as a testing ground. No disrespect meant to the other 3 teams, but he'll need to find a way to bring the best out of Ronaldo. Like it or not, the press will never be merciful if things go terribly wrong. More oft than not, Ronaldo is the one getting the stick. The presence of Ricardo "not that other Ricardo whom Rooney nearly castrated N years ago" Quaresma has given A Selecção das Quinas plenty to hope about. If Santos wants to get something out of a seemingly lost cause (let's just face it, guys. Even Luís "I won't bite" Figo couldn't save his nation), he has to create an effective a 5 man shield.
A Selecção das Quinas strategy for A Selecção das Quinas
Santos needs to earmark 5 players to support Ronaldo. In the same manner we saw Messi surrounded by his own amigos, the same goes for Ronaldo. Ideally, it should go something like...
2 central midfielders+2 strikers+1 winger (ignore this equation if Santos decides to do a 4-2-3-1).
Ronaldo is a totally different kind of player to Ibra. Ibra has this freakish ability to make an average footballing nation look like a world beater (well, sorta anyway). Ronaldo also has this ability, but he doesn't have the kind of freakish consistency that is Ibra. Whether Quaresma will start is of secondary concern. I'm more interested in seeing whether the other end of the width has the kind of playing style which compliments Ronaldo's daredevil approach nicely. Either way, Santos needs to create an effective break-and-counter approach where the danger can come from anywhere across the middle 3rd. In fact, it should be ideal for him to use the defensive mid area as the fulcrum.
One more group to go, then hopefully I'll start to do roundup posts asap. Just a word of note: I won't be in Singapore from 14th June to the 18th due to my church camp at Malaysia.
Group E=Group of Death=Group of Elites
A decade ago, something exploded like the Big Bang. Basically, this is the Big Bang theory I'm talking about. While I'm not interested in debating what is the "brutal truth" (after all, I'm pretty much cynical/politically incorrect at least half of the time), it must be noted that Group E is called the official group of death for a reason. All 4 teams in the group are considered elites (even one as the Republic of Ireland fyi). Hence, the term "Group E". Just don't ask me why the people at UEFA (and FIFA for that matter as well) enjoy being a bunch of sick bastards.
Known in Singlish as the Ah-Boys hijau, I'm pretty sure the only entertaining factor lies in the fight. And a tough fight should be nothing less than what I expect from a team helmed by Ireland's very own Starsky and Hutch.
In the form of Martin "the older Michael" O'Neill, we have the brains of the nation. Believe it or not, I actually appreciated the humour behind his queer joke. It was virtually a two-sided jab, none of which were directed at the LGBTQ community in Ireland and beyond. Firstly, it's directed to the rugby purists. Secondly (and more apparently), it's also a joke made at the expense of the American Way (i.e. The American Way of Football, better known as the American Way of Machismo).
On the other end, we have the nearest thing to Xiaxue. Or rather the other way round. Calling him Xiaxue is an insult. This bloke is more used in starting fights with men rather than women (and Steven "not Fletcher" Lim). Tbh, I don't have to introduce Roy "take that, you *bleep*!" Keane to anyone who call him/herself Irish. Or anybody who watches football for that matter altogether.
How to fight like an Irish
Ireland's approach is most likely to be the twin of Northern Ireland despite the respective gaffers boasting different parents (in other words, Martin ain't Michael's dad). The team will come out fighting and most likely spoiling for a fight like the correct Keane.
It's brutally clear, folks. Ireland really has to play it brutal. The team has to channel the spirit of Cú Chulainn, arguably the greatest hero to wear the Irish pride. The team has to let rip into the opponent's midfield like a pack of Irish wolfhounds trained by the correct Keane. The central midfield together with the centrebacks must exude the kind of "never-say-die" leadership commonly associated with Fionn mac Cumhaill. The wide attackers must ravage the middle third like Fergus mac Róich armed with his fearsome sword Caladbolg. As for the firing line, they must exude the humility of Diarmuid Ua Duibhne. If possible at all, Ireland will do well in adopting the Heskey-Cottee system. In other words, Ireland needs Gáe Buidhe/Beagalltach and Gáe Dearg/Moralltach more than the son of Donn.
So is there anything more to say? Sadly, my answer is no. After all, the brutal truth is this: This is Ireland after all, hopefully the FAI won't be renamed FAIL this time round.
Note: Believe it or not, Ireland may easily turn out to be that last team Italy, Sweden, and Belgium would want to face. Especially Belgium.
Les Diables Rouges
And now, we have the Belgians. Famous for the chocolates, mussels, beer, and Jean-Claude "not Van Damned" Van Damme last time round, it is now famous for another commodity: Michel "not Platini" Sablon.
When it comes to sporting excellence, the only good thing to cheer about last time round was Justine "not to be confused with Justin Bieber" Henin. To give you all a decent idea on how long that was, let's just say that the likes of Belinda "tak benci" Bencic, Simona "doubt she needs major help" Halep, Eugenie "that pretty genie" Bouchard, and Angelique "Die Engel" Kerber were still playing tennis as little girls when Henin was fixing the opposition for fun. This time round, it's the football.
Unlike 2 years ago, however, the defence seems to have a dodgy case to answer. So what it's ranked no.2 in the world rankings? The Irish will surely smell blood like a pack of Irish wolfhounds. A defence worth 2 goals to the Norwegians is like a wounded sheep surrounded by a pack of Irish wolves. Belgium will do well in avoiding defeat against Ireland. Hell, it's already good enough if they can get a point. The Belgians are walking on thin ice, mark my words. Tactically, the only team which they can defeat will be Italy. Against Sweden, they'll have to face a player who has sent an entire nation and people into retirement for the next two years at least. Against the Irish, the less said the better. Mr Sablon should know that I'm not fearmongering, he should know I'm telling the cold hard truth.
If Les Diables Rouges want to reach the second round, they better do something about their holding midfield. The two blokes (whoever they are) must ensure that the bulk of defensive organisation must NOT go to the central defence. Vincent 'he deserves good company" Kompany is now enduring the worst moment of his career ever since his confidence was nearly annihilated for good by a certain Lee "not Tommy Lee" Tomlin. If Kompany is the only reason why the Belgians were defensively better 2 years ago, then it's more pragmatic for the holding mids to stabilise the back 4 instead of pinning hopes on the two blokes deployed behind them. If Kompany was a mere passenger two years ago... well, I doubt I can come up with another better remedy. My apologies, Mr Sablon. I can only do this much for you and your country despite me appreciating what you're going to do for my country's backwater footballing standard.
Gli Azzurri
Gone were the days where local girls would swoon over the manliness of Paolo "as fierce as Di Canio" Maldini. Gone were the recent years where local girls would swoon over the gentlemanly charm exuded by Andrea "Il Gigante" Pirlo. The nearest signor to Maldini is Giorgio "does he always wear Armani?" Chiellini, the nearest signor to Pirlo is most likely Daniele "Il Lupo" De Rossi (albeit it's due to Riccardo "not Durandi" Montolivo getting himself injured AGAIN).
The blue boys will have their work cut out for them. Defensively wise, they're quite decent of late imo. Attack wise, that may be where the problem lies. Will the Azzurri outscore Les Diables Rouges? Will the Romans outfight the Gaels? Will Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte consign Zlatan 'I send entire nations and people into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović to an early retirement? Below is the key to how far this once proud footballing nation will go.
Jon Snow
If you think you're seeing things, be assured that you're not. If you think I'm mad, then please be assured of that brutal truth concerning every genius. It's official, ladies and gentlemen. The Italians need a Jon Snow. They need a bastard who will take no prisoners. Not a defender, not a defensive midfielder. They need a Jon Snow deployed at the wall. As a footballing genius, Conte managed to devise what I call the Great Wall of Rome. No matter whether it's 3-5-2, a 4-2-4, or the most recent 3-2-4-1, the Great Wall of Rome is what truly matters. Like the Great Wall of China and the Berlin Wall, the Italians will be effectively done for should the opponents find a way to breach the barrier. As a genius, surely Conte doesn't need me to tell him this. I really like his cycling analogy. I really do. I can imagine great things happening on the pitch based on Lance "not Neil" Armstrong's Tour de France exploits minus the drugs. Either I'm truly mad or great minds really think alike.
Tour de France or no Tour de France, however, Conte needs a leader who can pull the trigger anywhere across the middle of the park. Be it winning the ball or passing the ball, let me repeat that Conte needs a Jon Snow. The key to a potential Roman conquest like what we've seen via the exploits of Gaius Julius Caesar will most likely hinge on offensive penetration running from the midfield to the 20 yard box. No time for delay, no time for procrastination. No time to stroke the ball around like the Man City of next season, the Romans must be ruthless with the ball like any team under this Saxon here.
Blågult
The funny thing with the name above is this: It's not about how the name looks, but rather the fact that Sweden is quite literally a one-man team. When Zlatan 'I send entire nations and people into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović said "Ibra came and he seized power in France.", he may not be joking after all. More of a Louis le Grand than any other politician in the Republic currently, he was arguably the chief reason why more people may be watching French football right now. When he said "I came like a king, left like a legend", you better believe him. His ID is that of a footballer, truly he boasts of a Swedish ego and a French superego. If Sweden wins this year's Euro, I think my Swedish redhead friend will be organising a party very soon at the Butter Factory. Okay, I admit that's a pointless joke. Also, that Swedish redhead I spoke of is a girl. Emelie (sp?), I hope you're reading this post. Not that I'll go there anyway. :P
Bend it like Beckham, Boss it like Ibra
I find it quite amusing that the cover for the latest 8 Days magazine actually featured our local version of House Beckham. Which isn't really an overstatement to be fair.
When we say "Bend it like Beckham", we all know who we're referring to. When we say "Bend it like the Beckhams of Singapore", we all know which House we're talking about. Yet, no one does it like Ibra. And when I say no one does it like Ibra, it means "Boss it like Ibra". Make no mistakes about it, Erik "sorry, not you Mr Eric Soh" Hamrén may be the boss off the pitch, but Ibra is definitely the boss of the pitch. Truly a larger than life player in every sense of the word, I can only identify two world class players blessed with a world-class charisma. Messi is definitely NOT one of them, mark my words.
In no order of merit, the first is Ronaldo (the one from Portugal, not that other one from Brazil).
The second on my list? Self-explanatory tbh.
Really wish this will be the case for my future girlfriend as well
Boss it like Ibra=Feed Ibra
Ibra alone may be enough to pull his entire nation beyond the group stage, perhaps even the knockout stage. Sadly, there's only this much he can do. Why? Because apart from meatballs and the stereotypical well-equipped blonde in a sexy bikini, Sweden is only famous for one man: Ibra. If the Swedes think Ibra can drag them to continental glory, they're most likely smoking weed imported from the Netherlands. To allow Ibra to boss the match, Hamrén must ensure a three-way feeding approach.
To feed a troll...
The last few days have been totally hilarious. While Ibra is currently slapped with a travel ban, it shouldn't be seen as an excuse for him to troll like a boss. Instead of answering whether he's going to do the inevitable (trust me when I say he won't sign for Pep and that Arsène "the smartest bloke in the (dressing) room" Wenger will not break character just for a one-year solution), he's basically like...
In other words, Ibra being Ibra can easily say the obvious "yes" in the same way Hamrén would have no problem issuing the travel ban no matter the circumstances.
On the tactical front, Hamrén will do well not to let Ibra shoulder too much of the burden when it comes to the ball. The technical standard in Swedish football should be good enough for the entire 10 outfield players to retain possession and pass the ball unlike what happened 6 years ago.
To allow the troll to... well, troll, someone must feed that troll. If Ibra is to troll the opposition, then I strongly recommend letting him having lesser time on the ball. If you think I'm crazy, please reconsider your stance.
If you think Ibra is a striker, it means you don't understand Ibra. If you think Ibra is a striker who can create, it means you don't know Ibra. If you think Ibra is Ibra due to his 30 goal per season repute, it means you know even less than Jon Snow.
Let me say this once, I will not repeat myself again for the rest of this post.
Ibra is a showstopper.
To be a showstopper, you don't need to count how many times you pass/shoot the ball. To be a showstopper means you're someone capable of setting the team alight in the same way you have what it takes to seize power in a foreign nation. This is NOT to say that Ibra should play like a certain Italian. Ibra wasn't born in an offside position. Rather, he's born in an onside position. Blessed with a natural instinct in terms of tactical awareness, he knows when to hold and when to release. He knows where to run and when to get the ball. The last part will be key to feeding the greatest trolling footballer we have ever seen.
Okay, so I'm back. And most likely the old format will be back as well. Let's see which team gets the spotlight and which teams will have their ladies outed.
Group of D, Group of Death?
Traditionally, an intrigue will pop up every 2 years. Namely the group of death. It can be any group, perhaps even more than just one. FIFA have always been a bunch of sick bastards in this area, ditto for UEFA. I mean, how can you have such a trend on a consistent basis? Apart from the biannual cold hard truth, I also mentioned in my last post that Group C is a potential group of death which no one would expect otherwise. We have 2 defensively stout teams in the form of Ukraine (the unknown one) and Northern Ireland (the on form one) apart from the group favourites in the form of Germany (the sexy one) and Poland (the choking one). As Arsène "the smartest bloke in the dressing room" Wenger would have attested quite unhappily, it's far easier for Tony "Pulis say 'freeze!'"Pulis to freeze a technically superior team in the same way it's quite easy for Ryan "no, not you Ryan Ng" Shawcross to do a horror tackle on Aaron "not Gordon" Ramsey.
So what about this group then? Is it deemed as a group of death?
Let me just say the answer is no. Group D is more likely the kind of group you see in A and B. This is due to no teams boasting the form of Northern Ireland in the first place. At most, I will only say the Czechs and Turks are the relative wild cards like Ukraine. In football, they say the ball is round. Which means it's still possible for the Czechs and Turks to spring a surprise. But as a group, the chances of a group of death here isn't high.
So which team will be getting my analysis treatment?
La Furia Roja
The media can be a very fickle lover. In fact, the presence of media should teach us what NOT to do as a boyfriend/girlfriend. You think Singaporean guys are poor boyfriends? You think Singaporean girls are too pragmatic to be reliable? Go ask the Spanish, go think again.
When La Furia Roja vented its crimson fury on the hardcore Taegeuk Warriors, great things were being predicted. When lowly Georgia pulled off a 1-0 shock, Vicente "not del Basque" del Bosque was mercilessly crucified like a criminal guilty of treason. You can try debating your point against mine. If I keep silent, it doesn't mean you're right. If I can prove you wrong, it means the evidence will be on the pitch. Let me stress home agin the fact that silence may easily translate to "I can't be bothered with your logic because you can't be bothered with mine in the first place".
The good thing about being myself is that I tend to act like a cat more than a Singaporean dog.
My apologies if any of my fellow Singaporean happens to keep a cat and that it's black.
Things to look out for
A lot may have been said about La Furia Roja's problem upfront. Let me also say that great individuals like José "O Especial" Mourinho and Sir A.Fergie will never think and talk like the media. It's very easy for TNP to say La Furia Roja needs to fix the firing line, but it's also very damn easy for me to point out that...
1. The Taegeuk Warriors are much higher ranked as a team than Georgia. In fact, I'm not even sure whether the footballers of Singapore are really better than Georgia, let alone either half of the Korean people.
Tbh, I'd be far more worried if I'm a Spanish and my beloved local talents actually lost 1-0 to South Korea as well.
So is it strictly a blip? Will del Bosque pull off a La Gran Remontada in the same way Pep had done so against Porto? Will El Zorro himself pull off a La Gran Escape in the same way Barcelona really did so against AC Milan when the late Tito Vilanova was still alive?
The first match will go a long way in shutting up the media. Or feeding the media for that matter. Against the Republic of Slavic Pride, there cannot be a screw up. As a team, the Czechs are more defensively fragile than the Ottoman Turks. In other words, a loss against the Czechs will be a sign of come hither to the marauding Ottoman Turks. In Carlito's own words...
The greatest threat to the Third Spanish Conquest?
Croatia. Period. How La Furia Roja will fare against another nation of Slavs may not be enough to derail their path to the Third Spanish Conquest, but it will give blokes like Gary "I'm no Dr Phil" Neville, Jamie "my old man ain't made Mark Ronson a Grammy winner" Carragher, and even Ian "where is my hamster Ronaldo?" Holloway plenty to talk abotu in the next 4 years, if not 2 years at least. In Luka "wa si lin laopeh" Modrić, the cavalrymen of Vatreni have the license to blaze a trail from the midfield till the final 3rd.
What about La Furia Roja then?
Appreciating football is like appreciating your girlfriend. It doesn't matter whether she's local or a foreigner. It doesn't matter whether she's rich, beautiful, and intelligent or not. It doesn't matter whether she's a ward nurse, doctor, dietician, or a radiographer. Definitely it doesn't matter whether she's born in the year of my beloved Boro's Great Comeback under Bruce "the Incredible Bloke" Rioch.
If technical aesthetics is a parallel to physical attractiveness, then the inner beauty in every girl, woman, and lady (local or a foreigner) is the parallel to what makes your beloved football team work.
While I'm not that shameless to associate La Furia Roja with Penélope "La Antílope" Cruz, it must be stated that the inner beauty of La Señorita Roja lies in this amigo.
The English Premier League may be the most entertaining league right now, but La Primera División is arguably where the best dough is. The best part of the deal? Not only do we have Andrés "El Gigante" Iniesta and the trollolol face, we also have... well, this.
Whether it truly sucks to be El Dinero remains a question for the next season. Let's talk big about El Gigante himself.
2 years ago, La Furia Roja experienced the fury of the Spanish people. From Madrid to Seville, from Valencia to Singapore, it doesn't matter where you are. If you're Spanish, it means your nationality actually reflects the name of La Furia Roja in a twisted way. Diego "neither a Maradona nor Rui" Costa was woefully ineffective bar winning a penalty against a Dutch team high on a Robben-van Persie therapy. He was booed by the crowd, booed off from the pitch, and quite effectively booed off from Brazil. I pity this bloke, but I don't believe he's the right man for La Furia Roja on a major hindsight. Totally uncomfortable in getting the ball via a pass on the ground, he's much more of a Steven "not Lim" Fletcher than David "not a Villan" Villa. A little wonder why he's mercilessly barracked like Steven "not Fletcher" Lim himself (note: Just don't ask me whether his amigos from Catalunya actually declared an unofficial "national" holiday in remembrance of 2014).
The only consolation for La Furia Roja was basically what I saw in Iniesta's performance. The team may had fallen woefully short, but I saw a glimpse of what he can do if deployed properly. As the only guy I noticed who did something decent with the ball, Iniesta was drifting between the midfield and firing line. He may have lost that kind of pace which tortured Les Gunners N years ago (that was during Frank "not de Boer" Rijkaard' era where the concept of a false 9 scoring like an orthodox 9 remained relatively an alien concept). Yet, he retained a decent semblance of mobility, his passing ability has never waned. His technique remains as graceful as a katana worked by Masamune, his vision ever as keen like a blade forged by Muramasa. Yet...
Even the sharpest blade requires a hand to wield it
In the history of mankind, capable individuals were deemed capable for a very good reason: They happened to be on the right side. Every able retainer needed an able master, a capable strategist deserved nothing less than an equally capable liege. In the history of Korea, there's a reason why Silla was able to unify a realm mired in inner conflict and the threat of external invasion from the Chinese. In the history of Japan, there's a reason why Maeda Keiji became a household name. In the histroy of China, there's a reason why Liu Bei had to visit Zhuge Liang instead of the other way round. Sun Ce and Sun Quan had Zhou Yu, Cao Cao had Guo Jia. See where this is going?
The same goes for Iniesta as well. He needs a strategy with himself as the fulcrum. In fact, that's the reason why Barcelona has been a regional and global powerhouse. It's not about Messi the player, but rather Messi the fulcrum. I've already seen with my own eyes the only thing El Zorro did right 2 years ago. Will he go one step better and start winning competitive matches on a consistent basis? Will La Furia Roja go ten steps better and complete the Third Spanish Conquest?
And lastly, the part which every straight guy is waiting for...
Tereza Fajksová (Czech Republic)
Beren Saat (Turkey)
Iva Saric (Croatia)
P.S: If this post falls woefully short like La Furia Roja of 2014, please be assured that hearing my parents quarrelling over switching on an extra light for my sake has gotten on my nerves. My state of myopia is anything but good all the while. Then there's the fact my family is anything but well off. Welfare of their son plus money issues have a way of setting a genius off his rocker at times. So far so good, my bank account is currently less than 5K SGD, I actually told my parents they might as well hope that I can get a rich girlfriend. Period.
