Total Recall

Yes, I know the joke is really that old and corny now. Anyway, I decided to do a format overhaul for the 2nd half of the season underway. You see, I've commented all that I needed to comment when it comes to the remaining 19 individual teams. Therefore, I will only be commenting on random stuff going on so far. Most likely for the past 1 week. To highlight my sincerity, I actually started off with Watford where everything started and ended at my tactical tweets.

Yes, I know the joke is really that old and corny now...

A Tale of Two Cities: Eternal City vs Forbidden City
[authored by Clannad Brus]

If I am to choose an author name for myself (after all, every author does it), it has to be Clannad Brus. Also, don't bother googling for the above novel title. This is me doing a spoof at the expense of Charles Dickens.

Recently, total war nearly erupted between Beijing and Rome. More specifically between domestic Chinese football and a tactical genius sharing the ethnicity of Gaius Julius Caesar. Prior to the Leicester, Il Bestia was facing (somewhat of) a challenge when El Bestia decided to show him who truly deserves Emma Belle Watson's hand in marriage (with our very own El Bestia Bello not qualified for the most obvious reason).

Okay, I admit that's a joke. A very bad one.

Physio 1: Conte, Costa complained about his back.

Physio 2: Conte, I'm sure Costa is bullshitting. More specifically bullshitting his way to China.

*a few hours later*

Conte: Can't believe this. Someone forcing me to auto-resolve? Game on, mate...

Note: Conte's part was actually taking place during his favourite pastime known as playing Total War. Just don't ask him whether he's playing the Warhammer Fantasy version instead of the real world version. And yes, the whole of Middlesbrough enjoys playing it like the Wood Elves. Don't ask me whether Skarloc, the Mist Walker of Atel Loren, is around.

Nonsensical skit aside, Il Bestia would rather be assassinated like Caligula than to recognise the above dialogue. The reason why is very simple. To put this in Teutonic speak: If that's not a bullshit story, I'll eat a broomstick.

Recently, however, it seems the likes of Ladbrokes and William Hill would have better luck placing odds on whether we'll see Elisabetta going guano loco over her beloved spotted with Keeley "she's made millions by making men keel over" Hazell.

Assuming that the bust-up wasn't a bullshit story done by the tabloids, what it means should go somewhat like this...

Costa: Boss, you call for me?

Conte: No, not me. It's physio 1 and physio 2. Of course, it's me.

Costa: Okay shoot away, boss. I still got a date with a beauty from China.

Conte: A Chinese beauty like this one below? *shows Costa a random pic*

Costa: Wow... she's hot...

Conte: Don't bullshit with me, Costa. If you're intelligent enough to differentiate between a Chinese and a Korean, it means you're more than intelligent enough to know your circumstances. What were you doing by bullshitting an injury?

Costa: It wasn't fake. I saw only just now what the Sun has written. I'm innocent, boss! Don't forget that the Sun enjoys posting nudes on their third page! I swear they should be sued in the same way the Celebgate hacker got sued.

Conte: So you're telling me physio 1 and physio 2 were also bullshitting me?

Costa: ... ... ...

Conte: Get out. I don't mean the team, but my office.

*Costa slams the door behind him*

Conte: Costa!

Costa: What, you white c***?

Conte: You gave me a bullshit story about your back injury, I'll give the likes of the Sun my bullshit story on your fake news being real news. Deal?

Costa: I love you, boss.

Conte: Don't love me, go love your East Asian beauty instead.

Costa: So will I get to play against your fellow Italian?

Conte: You'd have better luck trying to date a Korean actress than starting against my fellow Roman. You call me boss, it means I'm the boss.

Costa: Like Robert de Niro?

Conte: No. Like Al Pacino. Now go off and train by yourself unless you want to see me rule the entire Cosa Nostra.

What you read above is all bullshit...

But not this part. A look at Il Bestia's Roman XI betrays something interesting...

So who is exactly the Remus to Conte's Romulus? Prior to whatever bullshit story contributing to Costa's no-show, Phil "I don't do Dr Phil" Thompson wasn't exactly the first person to say "the Duke of Hazard." if I say so myself. On the first glance, Costa may not look like Conte's Stan the Man. After all, it's been quite some time since Señor made the Caesar sweat for a hard earned 3 points.

Let me first do an analysis on Willian's impact. Then we'll see clearly the answer to the whole Stan the Man question.

As a player, Willian is no centre-forward. However, Il Bestia's tactical genius lies in the central striking role. This is 3-4-3 Barca, no questions asked. You can ask Víctor "not Viktor" Valdés how his ex-boss did things while his current boss was having a beef with his amigo. No questions asked, it's Willian playing Messi last week.

Unlike the Argentium wunderkind from Argentina who plays more like Pele, Willian is more of a Juan Román "the only Juan so far" Riquelme. If reports coming from Neil "last names reminds me of a nursery rhyme" Humphreys was spot on, it means telling N'Golo "Le Kanté Noir" Kanté to move sideways more oft than moving up and down was a decoy tactic. By shifting the focus of his fellow Caesar to the wrong end, the match was ripe for Chelsea's picking. Or more specifically any pass coming from Willian. Unlike Costa, Willian's job is not about scoring goals. Which means he can easily position himself near the midfield rather than in the 20 yard box. Like a certain Teutonic commander, the absence of one key fellow merely gave way to another way to approach the match. Like another Teutonic general, Il Bestia isn't above doing a false 9 approach.

Imagine this: Willian makes a pass>Pedro gets the ball>GOAL!!!!!!!!!

Or this: Willian makes a pass>Hazard gets the ball>GOAL!!!!!!!!!

Or more likely this: Willian makes a pass>Moses gets the ball>opposition defence opens up like the Red Sea.

And don't get me started on Marcos "basically the faster Alonso" Alonso. Once he gets the ball, we'll get to see three Alonsos for the price of one. Sounds like a tactical steal? You bet. I swear Fernando "the fastest Alonso" Alonso is worth way more than 23 million quids by my own estimation (then again, I was a renowned failure in maths while at Henderson Primary School and Gan Eng Seng School).

You see, the tactical key has shifted from the width to the central position. In this sense, no one is that Stan the Man. Apart from Conte the Beast ofc...

Return of the Sausage

A big welcome back sign should be seen from the stands asap. Period. Not so recently, Ireland legalised same-sex marriage. Not so recently, Ryan "not Shawcross" Tunnicliffe decided to play politician. Not so recently, Patrick "Bam! Bam! Bam!" Bamford decided to test his mettle somewhere. Finally, the prodigal son returned to his rightful home. For the next four years or so, he'll have every single chance to say "Señor, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your player."

For now, I'll have to sign off with this note below.

P.S: It's not that I'm out to be my own Steve Jobs. I know I may have made a promise to do a decent (?) analysis on Bamford's role in the future. Sadly, we're now nearing the West Ham match kick off and I need to prepare myself mentally to do proper tactical tweets. I've felt quite lethargic from the moment I woke up till like a few hours ago. As a result, this post required two separate sessions of brain usage.

Add P.S: If that's not a bullshit story, I'll eat a broomstick. Will do a tactical explanation why I'm entitled to emulate a certain Teuton in the land of Anglo-Saxons.

Final P.S: Just feel like upping these two vids 4 teh lolz.