A/N: Actually come to think of it, perhaps there's really an outsider doing a legal housebreak. For all I know, it might be a girl and my entire family have officially regarded her as part of the... well, family. I've seen too many stuff being bought for the past 3 years or so. I know my mother very well, there's no chance in hell she'd buy branded toiletry. That's why I never trusted her whenever she mentioned the word 'sale".
England or Engrand?
Don't we all love to hate this team? From the Three Lions of yore to the Three Pussy Cats of the recent years, you can bet your quid on an Anglo-Saxon Titanic. For too long, they had flattered too much to deceive. For too long, the dressing room was all about who got the hottest WAG (perhaps even a little wager on whether Emma "Duchess of Megawatts" Watson will be part of the WAG family). Definitely for too long, Wayne "no longer a looney" Rooney is seen as England in the same way the late Mr Lee Kuan Yew is still seen as Singapore.
England may have the most entertaining top flight football, but that's only due to the foreign legion coming in like what is happening in Singapore right now. By my own estimation, virtually at least 70% of the English players are still playing in the Championship (ironically, that's where local talents like Gary "not Lim" Rowett, Eddie "give this bloke a knighthood" Howe, and Chris "will he do a Me Gusta! Poyet next season?" Hughton.first made their mark). Sounds incredulous? Believe me, I've been observing Championship football for years ever since Gareth "Beaumains?" Southgate realized that being a good manager wasn't just about being tactically smart. Before Bournemouth went up and stayed up, I already noticed Howe as a local diamond buried in the seashore. If you're capable of playing attacking football against a superior team in the same division, it means something. To set the record straight, Howe did exactly just that when Mogga was still our gaffer in the hot seat. Match ended up 0-0, a local talent was born that day.
Favourite or a dark horse?
I don't know what Greg "not Davies" Dyke was smoking when he declared England to be one of the favourites to lift the cup. Perhaps Louis 'King Louis XVII" van Gaal may have given Mr Dyke something to smoke about. After all, Ali G really did that. Much to the people's amusement and the parliament's chagrin (not to mention Neil "not Patrick Harris" Hamilton's embarrassment as well). In a flashback amounting to the outright surreal, Dyke actually did an Aladeen when the draw for World Cup 2014 came out (i.e. England would eventually end up like King Louis XVI. Which we all know is the cold hard truth). So why made Aladeen Greg so optimistic this time round?
Qualified for Kanzen Shouri
Going undefeated in the qualifying stage may seem like a joyous occasion, but cynics would be more than happy to point out that the nearest thing to a threat back then was a nation more famous for the cheese and high quality living standard. Nothing should be taken for granted here. Even though Ottmar "I made football famous in a tennis nation" Hitzfeld may have departed, Switzerland still remains somewhat an unknown factor in this year's Euro.
A look at England's group would throw up a couple of interesting teams. While it remains to be seen whether the Russian Slavs will make it through (iirc finishing below Austria still doesn't feel right to me). Slovakia and Wales, however, may easily be the surprise package. The Welsh have enjoyed living a Cinderella's tale thus far, something never before seen since Brendan "the Jargonman" Rodgers managed Swansea. As for the Slovakian Slavs, it's far more plausible for us to associate them with Daniela "not Lopez" Hantuchová. It's an interesting group in a racial sense. We have two nations where the white people have been around way longer than the blacks, we have two people associated with Winston Churchill and Joe Stalin respectively. Not to mention Anglo-Saxons vs the Slavs as well.
England's first game may very likely be the most important one. If Slovakia can emulate what Joe Stalin did to A.Hitler more than 50 years ago, then anything can happen. If Wales can surprise the sceptics like what Swansea did last time round, then anything can happen. Let's just face it, guys. Russia was arguably punching below their weight whereas Slovakia and Wales ended up punching above their weight. Nothing less than 3 pts is a must. Anything less and that angmoh Roy will start swearing like a real Brit again. Actually come to think of it, even an angmoh Italian knows how to swear.
Houston, we got a problem here
José "O Especial" Mourinho once famously said that Pepe has a problem and that problem has a name. It's called Raphaël Varane. Likewise, Roy "not yet of the Rovers" Hodgson also has a problem. That problem has a name. And it's NOT called Wayne Rooney.
I didn't watch their friendly match against Portugal, but I saw his starting 11. Let me be this frank: It's the stuff of formation nightmare. While I don't agree formation is everything, understanding who plays where can give us at least an inkling of an idea. Let me be this brutally frank by saying Hodgson screwed up in the firing squad dept. When I saw Rooney playing at the centre with Harry "the goal hurricane" Kane and Jamie "life of the party" Vardy played out wide, I was like "no wonder even a Chelsea centreback can outscore you all". It's utterly absurd, a decision that smacks of populist strategy. Who was Hodgson trying to please? Rooney? Or the fans? Either way, I still call this a populist strategy.
Let's be honest with ourselves. What makes us think that Kane is Arjen "will he still remain as Robin" Robben and Vardy is Luis "still tak lugi" Suárez? There's zero width available, the attack was blunt no thanks to Fernando "not Torres" Santos knowing what to do even before the ball was kicked. This was something plagiarised from Pep's disastrous strategy two seasons ago. Ironically, both Pep and Roy were facing Portuguese opposition. For Pep, it's Porto. For Roy, it's Porto's country.
By adopting a narrow battering ram approach, the burden of attacking down the width would naturally go down to the fullbacks. Against a defensively fragile team, this may easily end up 5-0 to England. The only problem? Santos ain't a slouch when it comes to defensive excellence. Remember folks, this was the guy who took over from Otto 'the defensive automaton" Rehhagel the reins of Greece. Against most of the teams in the tournament (or more specifically the other 3 teams in Group B), this isn't going to work. Case in point: I can easily tell my players to park an Irish bus and there's nothing Roy can do about it.
Not only that, a swift counterattack from any attack-oriented team like France, Germany, and Spain can easily spell the end for Engrand as well.
4-3-3=9, 4-2-3-1=10
Hodgson has to make a harsh decision asap. Should he drop two and keep one? Or should he drop one and keep two? This depends on the formation he'll most likely use. Unlike the stereotypical English manager, he doesn't really play two flat banks of four. Or rather, he only did that once 4 years ago. The drop-and-pick mathematics is basically a case of Rooney, Kane, and Vardy.
Hodgson can opt for a 4-2-3-1 where most likely we'll see a drop one and pick two approach. If he plays 4-3-3, then he must adopt a drop two and pick one.
Because 4-3-3 is too straightforward...
I decided to explore the strategic possibilities behind 4-2-3-1 where Roy can easily include Rooney without swearing in front of the camera for once. I won't be going through 4-3-3 because Hodgson has proven to us that England is better off using 1 forward and 2 wingers.
Assuming Rooney starts...
Most likely he'll be deployed as a deep-lying no.10. The goals may have started drying up since 12 years ago, but the combative streak remains. Ideally, he shouldn't be running non-stop between the final third and 2nd third. In order to fully utilise his strength, Hodgson should put him as both the main ball anchor and commander. Right now, England needs to stabilise the midfield. After all the talk about defensive frailty, I wasn't amused to see John "will he be stoned?" Stones running the risk of getting stoned by Gary "not Tim" Cahill. If you want to be a hero, fine by me. But if you chose to disregard your defensive partner's instruction, then be careful. The nightmare show put up against Turkey may not be 100% about 4 blokes across the back. Such blatant contempt for instructions should not be tolerated. If you have one disruptive influence out of 4 blokes available, the risk of a disjointed defence will be very real. Stones may be good enough, but is he old enough? From what I've read in the report, I have to say no. Good enough, yes. Old enough, no. Someone needs to gag the media asap over the whole "good enough=old enough" nonsense. It's the kind of rubbish journalism never before seen since Hillsborough. Period. I'm pretty sure Mourinho wasn't amused as well.
Back to no.10. A lot has been said about the selection headache between Vardy and Kane, but it will be the no.10 position which will be that Siege Perilous. Apart from Rooney, we have two ideal candidates for the job.
If you're an Adeler (i.e. a fan of Adele), you may not be able to take a joke. Beyond that, plenty of pundits are most likely making plenty of noise over Dele "run like a black, sting like a hornet" Alli. Surely he is the next Gazza! Surely he will be the next Zizou! Surely he will be the next Casemiro! (okay, the Casemiro part may have been too much a hyperbole here). This lad plays a bit like Pogba, I have to say. Like Pogba, he possesses raw strength. Unlike Pogba, he's most likely not the kind of guy to anchor the ball 24/7. Yes, he's good technically. Yes, he can hold down the ball. But what is his greatest strength? Ruthless aggression. If Hodgson is to let him out, it'll be like unleashing a rabid bulldog against the opponent midfield. A more aggressive version of Jack "Gunner Jack" Wilshere. And we all know the media enjoy screaming "GAZZAAAAAAAA!!!!!" every now and then. If Alli is to play in the hole, then Vardy should start as the main striker. Vardy may not have the predatory instinct of Kane, but he got pace. If Vardy uses his pace correctly, Alli won't have to run all over the pitch like Rooney frothing in the mouth. That will make things easier for Hodgson and life more difficult for the opponent midfield.
Ignore the German, I'm talking about that English lad now. Skilful and versatile, Adam "not lalas" Lallana is someone who can operate either at the wing or as the no.10. If Alli is the male equivalent of Serena "Her Black Majesty" Williams, then Lallana is the male equivalent of Belinda "tak benci" Bencic. If this guy starts as the no.10, then Kane will definitely be a damn happy hurricane. If the Alli-Vardy tandem is all about aggression and pace, then the Lallana-Kane duo is more about control and finish. So what about this bloke below?
Nothing makes an Evertonian's day like this meme above. While I've commented about Rooney's contribution, surely people will be asking who to drop if Rooney will really start as a deep-lying no.10 ala 4-2-3-1.
For me, either Kane and Vardy can do equally well. Vardy's pace will ensure a more direct approach where 90% of the play will go through the centre. If it's Kane, then Hodgson may have to play ball like the French. The reason why for the latter case is very simple: Kane can score like a hurricane, but he can't move fast enough like a tropical storm. Starting Kane with Rooney means Hodgson has to find a way to create a stranglehold from one offensive width to the other end. Most likely that will mean Lallana on the right at the very least.
A case for defence?
England will do well to pressure the opponent right from the get-go. A lot has been said about a fragile backline, but I don't find anything woefully wrong with the attacking dept. Hodgson has plenty of options, 90% of which are physical in nature. Hodgson has to shatter his own shackles if he wants to do the same for players like Rooney, Vardy, and Kane (not to mention Alli as well). The starting 11 against Portugal betrayed a shocking extent of the straightjacket imposed. As a result, the middle 3 got stuck in limbo. If they went forward, there's a risk of break-and-counter. If they stayed back, there may not be enough support for the central 3. At the same time, he needs to be ruthless. While that doesn't necessarily mean dropping Rooney to the bench, at least it means choosing the unlucky bloke(s) in the process.
As for the defence, I personally prefer Kyle "not Naughton" Walker and Danny "not Glover" Rose as the fullbacks. Familiarity may breed contempt, but it will surely breed understanding as well. The role of the fullbacks this time round should be very straightforward: To sustain a flat line of 4. As for the central partnership, it should still be Cahill and Chris "he ain't small, he's Smalling" Smalling.
On the holding midfield dept, this is where Hodgson needs to make the right call. Assuming he will do a 4-2-3-1, it means there must be an effective triangle of steel in the middle. Otherwise, doing a 4-3-3 should mean having one bloke out of three playing the link up without any worry of passing the ball down the centre 90% of the time.
As for the other 3 teams, here's some eye candy ready to don their national colours
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| Tatyana Kotova (Russia) |
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| Daniela Hantuchová (Slovakia) |
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| Behnaz Akhgar (Wales) |
P.S: to Ryan Ng: I still remember that rugby tackle you gave me during our church camp. Who do you think I am? Aaron Ramsey? If I'm really that Ramsey, I'd already be doing the ammo and midfield support for the correct Bale.
P.S to Mr Dyke: Because I feel the need to further galvanise your country, I decided to add in a certain somebody so that you'll have a beautiful lady donning the Three Lions jersey for the entire day should England really win.
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