For now, let us focus on the greatest showpiece event in European football.
Cardiff as the venue=Vincent Tan Kuku no more
I know Tan Kuku sounds like some kind of vulgarity. I also know Tan Kuku sounds a bit like the father of Tan Peipei. No. Hell no. Tan Kuku is neither a Hokkien vulgarity nor the name of some beautiful Tan. Tan Kuku means "wait long long". Ah, the vulgar beauty of Singlish. It's like someone telling Prince Harry that calling a person by the name Willy is perfectly okay since not many Singaporeans actually know the British version of... well, Willy.
Please don't click the vid unless you're mentally prepared for NFSW content. It's already bad enough to imagine my future girlfriend being a Hokkien as well instead of being a Cantonese...
Enough of the nonsense, let's talk some serious stuff here. Namely...
Defying history (and the accomplishment of Julius Gaius Caesar as well)
Will this season mark the start of real greatness for Real Madrid? Will the real Madrid stand up tall in this battle of middle third supremacy? If there's anything we can glean from this season of Los Blancos, it'd be bragging rights going to the much-hated twin of Los Rojiblancos. Diego "El Lobo" Simeone is a wonderful tactician and an exceptional man-motivator, let me be this frank. However, it seems that parking the bus is no longer in the vogue. At least not for Los Rojiblancos. El Dinero may have gotten himself the real deal for Real Madrid. Namely, a French genius who has a score to settle with the Romans.
A lot will hinge on Cristiano "Man of Steel" Ronaldo. In the world of modern football, Ronaldo's ability to affect the match via a larger than life charisma alone is second only to Zlatan "I send entire nations into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović. When it comes to the perfect tandem of physical excellence and tactical awareness, I can only identify Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba as the other specimen of footballing perfection. A real monster of a player who is no different than a Tesla girl having the brains of a Tesla guy. It is like what an ex of his said about him here.
Let me be this frank, Ronaldo represents the difference separating Los Blancos and La Signora Omicidi. Yes, Zizou does have Gareth "#GB11" Bale in case there's a need for a smash-and-grab bailout. But let's be honest here.
1. Bale is reportedly not at 100% fighting fit status.
2. Bale is fast and a grafter, he's Batman of the team. In terms of footballing instinct and sheer power, there can only be one Man of Steel. A little wonder why Ronaldo should also be known as O Animal.
The fairy tale of Turin
When we talk about Turin, two things come to mind: Juventus and the Shroud of Turin. When we talking about the word park, a few things come to mind: Park "not Samsung" Ji-sung, Park "why always Park?" Shin-hye, and Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte parking 5 Roman sons of a gun across the midfield last year.
The last part is definitely the mainstay of Juventus. More specifically, the tactical mainstay of Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri. It's been a breathtaking turnaround, a Cinderella tale in a cutthroat industry no different from the Korean way of showbiz life.
Imagine this: you're a no-hoper to your parents and even your younger sister. The girls you had a crush on saw you as some creepy stalker, a pervert even. People called you 'siao", your AS1 Steve didn't think you'd be able to score a date. Then out of nowhere, you managed to prove your mettle. People started taking note of your tactical prowess, something honed by years of steel and fire. You have that sexy Tesla girl holding a torch for you, her light green cleavage-baring top a blatant show of intent. You finally got yourself a beautiful girlfriend who is also rich and intelligent. Not mention being a local Singaporean like you as well.
Above story will be a fitting script for a Mediacorp drama. For Il Fortezza, it's actually not so drama. But it's still a roller coaster ride. Who can forget the ignominy of throwing away a 2-0 lead against Barcelona years ago? The ordinary Singaporean may not remember this, but I do (mainly because I have the memory of Sir A. Fergie). It wasn't a pretty sight for the San Siro faithful, I suspected the only Romans gloating over this massive collapse are those supporting that other Milan. And of course, it didn't help that AC Milan wasn't able to regain their swag after that defeat. In a strategic sense, the crushing walloping dished out by Team Blaugrana threatened to destroy his career for good.
Fast forward to this season and the irony couldn't be any more apparent. Not only did Il Fortezza make revenge a dish truly best served cold, the fortunes of Barcelona is now more of a roller coaster than what we're seeing in Juventus right now. This is definitely something which would make Glenn "smartest man in the room" Hoddle look like a prophet if his karma comment was directed at somewhere else.
Make no mistakes about it. This is not just a tactical match between Le Zizou and Il Fortezza. It is also a battle between a master tactician and a monster of a player. More than Le Zizou battling the Roman fire, Il Fortezza will be bearing the brunt of the Iberian onslaught.
Where the match shall be won
I need to sleep soon. One problem my parents always have with me is a case of adrenaline rush no different from that of a Roman genius who managed to make a jilted beauty feel loved again. I'd like to say more, but... well, you get the drift.
The battle will be won and lost in two areas. Los Blancos will most likely want to seize the initiative in the central midfield, after which play will be distributed to the flanks. Across the back, there will be a need to be aggressive in winning the ball. More than the midfield, the backline will have to be quick. Juventus is now a team second to none in terms of off-the-ball organisation. In fact, Le Zizou will need his team to play the ball forward like a Roman genius at times (read: playing the ball forward from the back in an inverted horseshoe crab manner).
As for La Signora Omicidi, the midfield will be that make-or-break zone. The onus on Il Fortezza is deciding how far the midfield must push. On one hand, forcing the ball from the midfield to the backline will be the key to victory or defeat for him. On the other hand, he will need to look out for Los Blancos breaking up the pressure anywhere across the back. At the same time, the midfield must be fast enough to track back, win the ball, and strangle the midfield. The team in pure white can afford to boss the ball via the back 4 more so long the midfield can track back to collect the ball. But for that team in black and white, they can't afford to do the same thing because Los Blancos is a team much vaunted for its ability to control the match via a four by two (numerically speaking, no racial derision intended) and aggressive pace down the flank.
My daring prediction?
I know the story of Il Fortezza will resonate with a lot of people. In fact, it also resonates with my own life story as well, sexy local Tesla girl or no sexy local Tesla girl. From a tactical view, however, I Bianconeri has proven itself a tougher nut to crack than Los Rojiblancos in the same way Il Fortezza is now up there with El Lobo in terms of motivation and organisation. Against Barcelona, the defence held firm. Against Monaco, the Roman fortress of Turin remained unbreached. As for Los Blancos, I can't help but feel more than just a wee bit of fragility somewhere. Against Bayern Munich at home, El Dinero earned his big money bragging rights for a good reason: 4 goals scored. On the first glance, it looked pretty. That is until we saw that other team of continental millionaires scoring 2 goals in reply. If it's in that Teutonic arena known as Die Allianz Arena, then it'd be a cause for alarm for the Teutons. Problem was, the goals were leaked at La Santiago Bernabéu. I don't care what the score was in the first leg. If it's 2 goals leaked at home, it shouldn't be looked down at. Against Los Rojiblancos, the only reason why El Lobo lost to that Frankish Saladin was due to a disastrous first leg. Strategically, one could even say Los Rojiblancos were dealt a cruel hand. Imagine what would have happened if the first leg was at La San Mamés instead of La Santiago Bernabéu.
Trust me, Il Fortezza will be reading this post. Erm.. I mean reading the opponent's past matches. Most notably what went wrong for the Frankish Saladin against the Teutons and Los Rojiblancos.
Last minute edit: Nearly forgot to add this. Might as well add some hilarity after the Shrey Bhargava incident and what my friend's (rumoured) SIA colleague said.
Last minute edit: Nearly forgot to add this. Might as well add some hilarity after the Shrey Bhargava incident and what my friend's (rumoured) SIA colleague said.
If Juventus really manages to clear the final hurdle, the schadenfreude in me will want to dedicate the win to the newly wed couple of Yu Xian and Lee Min. 😂😈😼
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