Battle of the Caesars Day I: Scipio's Report

Every fan of football (or soccer if you're a Yank) please skip this nonsense intro

Beliebers in Singapore must be mourning at this point of time. I don't have to spell it out that a blockbuster act has just decided to... well, I won't say rage quit. But still...

Fear not, however, my fellow S'poreans. Even though I'm no Belieber, it's my duty to showcase what the world (may) have been missing all the while!

Disclaimer!

Despite the misleading nature of the post title, I don't profess myself to be some sort of military genius. No, there's no reason for Cristiano "#CR7" Ronaldo to call me friend unlike a fellow Singaporean. Yes, I'm short in stature like Alexander the Great. Maybe around 3 cm taller than Emilia "it makes romance IMPOSSIBRU!!!! since 2014" Clarke. That doesn't make me a Greek in the first place. Yes, I'm no Roman in the same way Scipio was most likely black. That doesn't make me Rome's BFF. Definitely, I'm not Rome's worst nightmare.

Interestingly enough, my dad mentioned that I'm actually a descendant of Guo Ziyi.




FC Bayern München-3

First things first, I didn't watch the match. Rather, this post will be done based on whatever little I understood based on the teamsheet. Secondly, it doesn't give me a reason to hold back. If I'm good enough, it means a recommendation letter may end up making its way from London to a small town named Middlesbrough. Otherwise, I've got nothing to lose anyway.

Let's talk about the winner first. As a typical Roman pragmatist, one can't blame Carlo "Signore Milan" Ancelotti for preferring an orthodox 9 approach unlike Pep "not Monk's BFF" Guardiola's unorthodox false 9 strategy (something which enabled Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw to achieve national success during 2014). However, a sign may already be put in place when it comes to a tactical shift. Signore Milan's footballing philosophy mirrors his gentleman image perfectly well. Like how a gentleman handles diplomacy, Signore Milan's strategy hinges heavily on controlling the ebb and flow of the game. As a Roman, any team under him would have to understand discipline and knowing when to step on the accelerator.

The most notable example of the latter rule would be Kingsley "Coman the (Black) Barbarian" Coman. When he got the contract he wanted, I'm pretty sure he breathed a sigh of relief. Prior to his D-Day victory, the poor lad was sweating over his future. On one hand, he was no longer that blue eyed (black) boy under Pep's swashbuckling Catalan style. On the other hand, one couldn't fault the lad for feeling confident after his national exploits secured victory for Emmanuel "can he macro-manage France to greatness?" Macron. Okay, that last statement was a joke. More specifically, his presence out wide enabled Didier "Monsieur Bleu" Deschamps to up Les Bleus' game without the aid of Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba. After all, I did mention something concerning Les Bleus playing two up front. The only problem? Signore means Signore, not Senyor or Monsieur. Fast forward to now and what is it that we're seeing? Previously, Douglas "neither Diego nor a Rui" Costa was the preferred choice out wide. Now, it's Coman's turn to enjoy his Oktoberfest.

Not this type of Oktoberfest.
If I've offended anyone who has unliked SG Wine Cellar on FB, I apologise.

To understand how Coman can become Conan's barbarian bro next season, one has to look at Signore Bavaria's first substitution. Two half-time changes were made. The first was of no significant value since it's one keeper for another. The second one might be quite intriguing to the likes of Jamie "my dad never made Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson famous" Carragher, Gary "not to be confused with Phil" Neville, and Alan "Barcelona already got Figo" Shearer. Not so to me. By taking down a proven centre forward in the form of Robert "Big Lews" Lewandowski, Coman's presence effectively moved Thomas "Der Ninja" Müller into the false 9 territory. Sounds familiar? Well, it should. Remember what I said on Pep and Löw using the false 9 system?

The role of the false 9 is all about controlling the game via a top down manner. Instead of playing the ball forward from the midfield or even via the back, this system ensures the ball can be retained anywhere from the firing line to the middle 3rd. Conversely speaking, such an approach can easily free up at least 3 players to go forward. Hence, it's only natural to imagine Coman benefitting the most. Ultimately, this tactical switch can easily move either James "El Reemplazable" Rodríguez or Franck "Le Cicatrice" Ribéry into the hole 9. In other words, it's called thinking out of the box, something which we S'poreans aren't exactly known for. Knowing Signore Bavaria's style, I won't put it past him using Ribéry as a no.10 instead of a 7. If you're still in awe of Ribéry's ability to pass the ball while being marked by 2-3 men, I can assure you that I've seen it back during the World Cup 11 years ago. Ironically, that was during Germany 2006.

However, it was the introduction of Miloš "not to be confused with another Milo" Pantović which highlighted Signore's uncharacteristic bravery. In one single move, he resembled more of an impetuous Teutonic commander rather than a calculated Roman tactician. Case in point: Can you imagine Ribéry and Rodríguez being part of a middle 3? That's how insane Signore can be. Of course, as we all know by now, there's always a fine line separating a madman from a genius. That's why we Singaporeans need more effort to understand crazy people. Lest you don't know, Pantović plays as a striker. If I remember correctly, the nearest thing to this tactical insanity was deploying Ángel "El Arcángel" Di María in the same manner. Don't laugh, Signore really did that prior to El Dinero saying "you're fired" in both Spanish and Italian (I forgot who were the other two in the middle 3 though).

Chelsea F.C-2

At the other end of Saxonland, we have Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte. Not so long ago, he's having trouble with Diego "El Bestia" Costa. If you think Costa was a beast on the pitch throughout the season, you're not wrong. If you suspect Costa has always been a beast off the pitch... well, perhaps you're not entirely wrong. The comedy surrounding the timing of Conte signing a two-year extension couldn't be any more evident. Why I said that is very simple: Shortly after this, Álvaro "もらった!" Morata signed on the dotted line. If there's anything more surreal than this, it'd be Costa accosting Zhang "don't call her Xinyu or Viann" Bichen.

Recently, another bloke in blue got himself into the messy world of transfer rumours. This is now that moment of the year where people purchased the Sun not just for the sake of... well, breasts. Ladies and lads, I present to you...

Will he or won't he? Will Nemanja "not Vidić" Matić follow the footsteps of another Nemanja? Or will he stay like a loyal centurion? More than talking about transfers and how long will the actual Khaleesi stay single, I enjoy talking about tactics. More specifically this amigo below.

Assisting has to be the most thankless task in the offensive category. More oft than not, you won't score goals. And even if you do, the hero will always be Costa. In the event where Old Trafford will see its new Nemanja Vidić, who should take over from him? Will it be a purchased replacement like for like? Or will N'Golo "Le Kanté Noir" Kanté have to entrench himself further behind? One interesting view from the latest defeat is this. Kanté's defensive tenacity was the reason why Leicester could play a direct four by four without being too defensive. At the same time, he was also the reason why David "he plays the ball like a harpist" Luiz could excel last season despite people calling Il Bestia a barking mad beast for signing him. There was no Luiz in sight for the starting lineup. Andreas "think he never played before GTA: San Andreas" Christensen may have been intended as somewhat a like-for-like alternative. Would it have mattered at all if Luiz started instead? Apparently, the answer is no.

The central midfield polarity in that match has to be the kind of mistake Il Bestia can ill-afford to make once the real season kicks off (in fact, those midfield goons can easily kill Chelsea come 6th Aug in this way if I say so myself). The screw up happening here actually exposed Chelsea's central midfield unnecessarily. Without Kanté's imposing presence in front of the back 3, seeing Cesc "El Fabuloso" Fàbregas playing in deep lying position was nothing short of an invitation to attack. It's a no-brainer. Yes, I acknowledge Il Bestia's intention to prevent the Bavarians from playing the ball at their own pace and leisure. The problem is, this approach won't work if you have six Teutons flooding the middle 3rd in the form of a four by two backline. A player of Der Ninja's calibre would surely relish such a scenario like a shark smelling blood. A 3-4-2-1 approach means Michy "will he be Belgium's Batman?" Batshuayi has to track back more often than not. His pace and athleticism are well suited for this role, but it's only provided that Chelsea can muster an effective counterattacking game. With Kanté doing a Casemiro, there's no chance Fàbregas could have pulled off a perfect counteroffensive ball passing machine like Toni "Der Eiserne Mann" Kroos and Luka "the Force is still strong in him" Modrić.

The whole midfield strongman going forward approach did work for Los Blancos during their Champions League final victory over Juventus. But that's because Le Professeur X played a back 4. What this means is that for Casemiro to play the big occasion hero, there must be sufficient defensive cover to facilitate a "passing the ball from the back" approach. Juventus couldn't find a way to stabilise and attack, the Romans from Turin got done for (ironically, this approach was the reason why Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri was able to one-up Le Professeur X for the first 45 mins). That's why Los Blancos could turn the tables come the second half. Yes, CR7 wrote a new chapter in his footballing career. But it was the tactical brilliance of Le Professeur X which won the match.

Back to Chelsea. Should the central midfield polarity be reversed, would it be better? The key thing lies in winning the ball and securing possession. As the master tactician of a back 3 system, it's up to Il Bestia to decide how not to expose a hole the size of a giant Serb. Should Il Bestia decide to pull back the wingbacks nearer to the back 3, the momentum of the match might have swung to his favour. Yes, the opponent would still have the ball. Yes, there's still Der Ninja to deal with. But at least there's a better chance of winning the ball from the back. Personally, I don't see a problem with this current central midfield pairing, just that there's a need to control possession from the back 3 to the centre forward. As such, a 3-4-3 would have suited Il Bestia better. Which now comes to this amigo below.

Quite obviously I'm not referring to Ned. Rather, it's Álvaro "もらった! " Morata. Yes, he may not have Batshuayi's pace and athleticism. Quite obviously, he's never one to force his way in like Costa. However, he holds up the ball quite well. Like Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente, Morata is... well, another El Trasero. If you can hold up play with your arse facing the opponent's goal, it means you should be good enough to hold up play with your arse facing your own midfield. That's why Il Bestia signed him in the first place. Otherwise, why would you think Chelsea is insane enough to splash the cash on someone cursed with abysmal stats? It doesn't matter whether the likes of Eden "the Duke of Hazzard" Hazard and Pedro can hold down play in the final third. In fact, creating a stranglehold from the back 3 to the centre forward is more important with the wingbacks reinforcing the defence when needed. So long the ball is firmly in control within Chelsea's own half, the opponents will be forced to pour their numbers forward. Period.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily mean El Fabuloso in front and Le Kanté Noir behind. Yes, the latter is a must. In the wonderful world of strategy and tactics, who are we to judge Il Bestia if he can win a treble (or even a quadruple) next season by plastering both to the back 3 side by side?

And lastly...

I'll be rounding up this post with whatever little I've seen in the last 4 mins (minus stoppage time) between the cockfighting roosters from England and the wolves from Rome. I'm not going to speculate who will be the next big target of Jewtown poaching since Mauricio "will he be sipping a cup of cappuccino by end of season?" Pochettino. Definitely, it won't be me.

Firstly, Roma. What I saw was a team which played like someone out to ask a killing from Luciano "Il Alfa" Spalletti. Thing is, Il Alfa is no longer the Gaius Julius Caesar there. Instead, they got themselves a Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus (yes, I know that's a cumbersome name for an emperor most well known for legalising Christianity). Eusebio "Il Eusébio" Di Francesco, that's the name of Roma's Constantine the Great. The last gasp winner was a sudden break and counter move from the way I see it. Granted any person's energy level will drop more than a tad bit after running non-stop for 86 mins, but I noticed one interesting trend within a short span of 4 mins sans stoppage time. Unlike the aggressive pack of wolves running across the plain under Il Alfa, the current pack of hunters under Il Eusébio played more like predatory canines lying in wait in the forest. More specifically, the wolve from Romes were controlling the game via the flank. If that was indeed Il Eusébio's strategy, then it may mean plenty of break and counter action from the central area. I won't be surprised if Roma will be a surprise candidate for the Scudetto next season. Il Alfa, be glad that the pack you left behind is now in good hands.

Next, Tottenham. Il Bestia recently questioned the sanity behind Daniel "the Jewish Levy" Levy's "no more money" logic. If you are in Pochettino's shoes, how would you react? Will you stay your hand? Or will you flare up like an Argentine nationalist whenever someone mentioned the Falklands War? More than tempers flared, I prefer to speak up on what I see. Namely, a consistent pattern of slowing down play at the back, only to play a long pass/cross into the opponent's half. This is deceptively Pochettino, I'll have to admit. Last season, he played a more orthodox holding mid game. One defensive anchor and the other being Mousa "not this Dembélé" Dembélé. This strategy worked wonders due to the latter's off-ball box to box running and superior ball control. Assuming Eric "he plays more like Hawkeye than the Hulk" Dier stays, all Pochettino needs to enjoy a nice meal at Tino's Pizza Cafe (at Tiong Bahru Plaza, which is near my home no less) is this: Just make sure Dembélé can pass it like Scholes instead of bending it like Beckham. Assuming Dier can't be tied down... well, it should be still the same strategy. Just don't kick it like Cantona.

Yep, it's an ancient Chinese art martial alright.

Okay, that's all for you football fans (or soccer fans if you're all about 4th July)

Click this vid only if you want to know who is that girl they call Bichen...