Big Sam, bigger trouble

Back in the 90s, we have a girl pop named Shampoo. Believe it or not, they're Brits just like the Spice Girls and Little Mix. How did I know about them? I blame secondary school and the Might Morphin Power Rangers (hilariously enough, I mistook Morphin for morphine. Gets to say how much of a Tesla guy I was at Gan Eng Seng School).

The Red Dragon

Starring China as that one fellow who made Antony "as Hannibal, Rome's worst nightmare" Hopkins into a household name. Okay, sort of.

A lot has been said about China becoming a trouble. I'm not referring to politics (since I can't be bothered in deciding which nation should win the South China Sea row), but rather football. Not so recently, China decided to splash the cash which happened to be the same size as Cthulhu. In the name of footballing excellence, no less. If you think the PRC Chinese (no xenophobic intent here, just that I need to differentiate between a Chinese from China and a Chinese from elsewhere) has too much money to burn and far too little understanding in dealing with it, you might be right after all. While I'd like to say something about the dissonance between the PRC tourists and the PRC history, I decide not to give a lecture (but let me just say that China's 5000 years of history has always been about cultural excellence. That's apart from civil wars like this and the occasional act of invasion like that).

I have nothing against PRC Chinese, let me assure you. In fact, two of my favourite historical characters actually hailed from China's 5000 years of history. At the same time, some of my FB friends are... well, PRC Chinese (and no, Sun Xu isn't one of them because he mistook me for Cú Chulainn).

Just skip the vids if you want to. No one is forcing you to do anything.

Okay, back to China and football. Note that I never say Chinese football for a very good reason. Firstly, let me be this damn brutally blunt. National football standard in China is getting nowhere. More oft than not, any promise would be compromised one way or another. There's still a long way for China to go when it comes to catching up with the two big tigers named Japan and South Korea.

Let just ask you a simple question: Have you ever seen a South Korean son of a gun in London? If your answer is yes, it means you know who is Son "Le Fils at OGC Nice next?" Heung-min.

Let me ask you another question: Do you think the cause of Kagawa "can he score for club and nation?" Shinji's loss of form was down to his rumoured belle? I don't know, but there's a reason why form and class should be seen as two different things like how I should never mistake my super mignonne legal housebreaker for her BFF or vice versa.

Then here's my third question: When was the last time you see a Chinese player in a top flight European team?

Any talk of "we don't need these teams to make China great" is like someone telling me England should have won major silverware more than just once. Let me just quote a German Kop as my answer.

Ironically, what is happening in China is basically a copycat version of what is happening in English top flight football now. Signing Oscar for 50 million doesn't mean a thing. So what if the Chinese Super League can rival the Premier League? Do you know that England is still waiting for the next Sir Alf Ramsey? Do you know that the Anglo-Saxons were knocked out by those Gunnofsons Vikings right before every gloating Frank? You can bullshit me when it comes to domestic football, but you don't bullshit me when it comes to the international stage.

For the CSL to rival the EPL (let alone surpass), there has to be that "WOW!" factor when it comes to players who will matter most in the international stage. No disrespect to the likes of Oscar and Pato, but people are bound to point out that Gabriel "let's not give him too much stress b/c of his name" Jesus opted to be Man City's Gabriel instead of some messianic figure in the CSL! We must be very careful here, we must keep our eyes open on what kind of players go into the CSL. Unlike leagues like the MLS, the CSL is able to attract the more youthful names. Like the MLS, the CSL needs way more than just that to ensure quality football beyond just the foreign big names. And that's not to mention the U.S gracing the international footballing stage more often than China (while I'd like to mention women's soccer as well, I don't feel like name-dropping the likes of Hope "her dad ain't Han" Solo and Alex "unrelated to Piers" Morgan because AWARE may name-drop me instead for this).

The bigwigs in mainland need to make a decision fast. I don't profess to be Guan Zhong (unlike Zhuge Liang), but let me just give them a bit of advice (that is provided China did unban Google).

You have money going into foreign football clubs, your country got money going into the CSL. I won't say focus on one and sod all for the other. But more money needs to be placed in the CSL. Way more than whatever money being used to buy foreign football clubs. Money NOT to sign those 50 million dollar lads who may end up worth less than Calum "the 16 million quids lad" Chambers. Rather, it should be money well spent on the grassroots and academy level. Please don't tell me you're actually too poor to build a St George's Park or a Clairefontaine.

YOU GOT A *BLEEP* TROUBLE!!!!!

Man City got itself a break from jail this mid-week. But was it really that bad? Should Pep "El Geni" play Chang "YOU GOT A *BLEEP* TROUBLE!!!" Chen-yue's Trouble in front of the entire dressing room? Firstly, let me say that this Trouble done by a Taiwanese isn't the same trouble done by a Brit girl band. Suffice to say, it's littered with that word which the FCC will censor without batting an eyelid. Period (I do know there's a Taiwanese girl in the CT-MRI dept of SGH. Think she may know what Trouble I'm referring to).

Many will point to the flaws during the Battle of El Etihad. However, there's also more than just a fair bit of mental strength in this bunch of City slickers. I noticed the timing of the comeback. City got back into the game when it was 2-1 and 3-2 down respectively. Yes, Pep needs to address the backline. But if there's anything he may have learnt from our very own Señor, it's fostering nerves of steel.

This is where this article comes in. This season has been outright crazy. Before Donald "not Tsang" Trump became crazy in front of public TV, the Premier League has already done so. Last season, in fact. Therefore, it's only natural for Pep to face what is customary for every gaffer in the top flight (and that includes Señor). It has got nothing to do with form or even class. Form and class alone are not good enough to warrant a topsy-turvy Premier league where seasoned viewers of English football should be forgiven for wondering whether they're actually watching Championship football. Something is not right, every gaffer is getting smarter within 1-2 seasons under the belt.

I may (or may not) have caused the gaffers to up their game. That's beside the point. Look at what I've written here in my FB profile screengrab.

Pep is a manager high on pressing and not so high on defending. However, his pressing tactics depend heavily on the midfield. To boss the ball and decide where to play it forward. Yes, you've read it right. If it's a matter of when, then Pep's footballing aesthetics would have gone totally bald like what his frenemy had implied last time round. To make this strategy work, Pep needs to have intelligent midfielders. Not that he doesn't need intelligent forwards since you don't call Lionel "will opponents start messing him up?" Messi a moron (unless ofc you happen to support either Los Blancos or RCD Español).

I doubt Pep will want to tell John "hope he won't be stoned by the press" Stones to fall back unless the lad wants to be stoned to death at the orders of his boss. But there has to be a way to create the defensive work rather than playing dodgeball with the press. If the defenders are not in charge of intercepting the ball like the Patriot SAM system employed against Saddam's Scud, it merely means someone else has to intercept the Scud S. Which means there left only one other possibility. The midfield.

In order to allow the backline to play the ball forward like David "his football ain't Moyes' football" Luiz, more than one midfielder has to play the shield. However, it's absolutely anti-Pep to deploy 3 or even more midfielders just to chase it back. If one is not enough, how about two? Coupled with the fact that Jesus (a son of man, not the Son of God) covered 11.5 km per 90 mins and 73 sprints per match, it means Pep would have 3 players running back instead of just one Rooney in blue stranded somewhere in his own Bermuda Triangle. Without Jesus' intervention (no pun intended since there's only one Son of God and he's Jewish), Pep would have to either deploy 2 men out of 10 to track back or telling the lone forward to do Jesus' job (and I don't mean getting crucified by the Romans). With Jesus unable to save himself from injury (after all, he's never a god), Pep is most likely facing the greatest test of his tactical credential. Quite obviously, a genius like him doesn't need someone like me to tell him that. Even if great minds do think alike.

Case in point? I doubt Monaco would have popped 3 past City if Jesus McGod was around. No offence intended to Radamel "El Halcón" Falcao btw.

Big Sam, bigger trouble

Is it a good time to play Crystal Palace? I have to say there's no such thing as a good time to play any team. Especially given our current circumstances. Yes, Big Uncle Sam has lost more matches than he'd like to (not that any gaffer would like to lose anyway unless Wilson "let's not call him a willy" Raj approaches him like some shady journalist). But to lose against us means a step nearer to the hangman's trap door. Basically, this means we're also in the same situation.

Make no mistakes about it. When I mention bigger trouble, it means the same for us and them. If I want to play the nice guy (after all, nice guys get bullied and I have a history of being bullied in school. No one has to go through this. Period), then it should be 1 pt for both sides instead of 3 pts for only one. However, football is a different ball game from schoolyard democracy. The latter is no different from seeing morons and sheeple daily, the former is no different from fighting a battle.

So what should we expect from Big Uncle Sam's Palace? Firstly, Palace will be having a go at us. They will go straight at us off the block. Therefore, three positions will matter the most to Big Uncle Sam. Namely, the right midfield, left midfield, and central attacking midfield. This is assuming Big Uncle Sam will be playing a 4-2-3-1. If it's a 4-4-2, then Señor has to guess correctly where the ball anchor will be deployed.

While it's more logical to say Big Uncle Sam's choice of ball anchor lies in the holding mid, such an approach will only work if Palace has the bulk of possession. Should Big Uncle Sam decide to let fly right from the whistle, it means the ball anchor has to be the CAM. This is because additional defensive cover can be done since it will give the holding mids more time and space to cover ground off-ball. In short, the plan is to prevent us from breaking forward while maintaining an offensive stranglehold.

On our end, Señor may have implied we're actually in a bigger trouble than we think. The players crocked are those who are able to play in the fullback position. What this means is very simple: Big Sam will be looking at whether Ben "Le Prince" Gibson is playing at the leftback or centreback. The reason why being that Palace is a team high on pace out wide and big on size and power down the centre when it comes to attacking the final 3rd. If Prince Gibbo is playing at the centreback, it means Big Uncle Sam may focus on our defensive width. If His Royal (Gibbo) Highness is playing at the leftback, it means our centrebacks will have their hands full dealing with players like Christian "Benteke GT V17" Benteke and Andros "not Stuart" Townsend.

Either way, Señor will do well in fortifying the central area. From the centrebacks to the lone striker, no less. If whoever playing in the hole 9 can put in an extra shift or more in tracking back, then we'll have a decent chance of getting a win. And also, we need out two holding mids at their bloody damn best. If they mess this up (either both or one of them), we're dead. Period.

P.S: I don't have to mention Wilfried "fried by Moyes" Zaha in this post. The reason why being that he's so dangerous, it's not good to put undue pressure on our fullbacks. Don't believe me, go ask our BFF George on what happened last time round.

When was the last time we won 1-0?

When was the last time we won 1-0? Seeing us play under Señor is like the Los Che faithful watching their beloved Los Che grinding out 1-0 victories under Quique Sánchez "El Un-nulo" Flores (which fyi is really part of the Mestalla history). Expecting us to spank Stanley Accrington? Well, it's like expecting a hot date with Keeley "she's made millions by making men keel over" Hazell. Suffice to say, we're running the risk of insane expectations running wild in the same way every local Singaporean dude is having unrealistic expectations on their next Chinese New Year Eve reunion dinner (read: expecting Keeley "she's made millions by making men keel over" Hazell to say hi to your shocked family members just because you never got a girlfriend since birth... wait, am I referring to myself?).

Let me be this brutally frank, my fellow Boro-thers-in-arms. When I saw the starting lineup, I liked what I saw because Señor was hell-bent on making a statement minus Cristhian "he's no Arnie" Stuani on the right. The lineup promised attacking intent right from the get-go, many a "Korean" fan (read: you should be intelligent enough to know the joke) was left frustrated. But should we expect 3-0 from a starting lineup featuring the likes of Rudy "get in, you son of a gun!!!!" Gestede, Patrick "Bam! Bam! Bam!" Bamford, and Viktor "yet to be King" Fischer? Apart from that he-who-must-not-be-named playing in hole 9, none of them impressed. But can you blame Gestede and Bamford for not shooting straight? One bloke is in sore need of match time, the other lad is in dire need of a massive vitamin C boost (read: C is for Confidence, nothing to do with Ribena or Scotts). As for Fischer, what I saw was plenty of promise before fizzling out. Key phrase is fizzling out.

A little wonder why Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez is still waiting for his good karma. The only catch? Stewart "down but not out" Downing's performance against a resolute Stanley Kubrick Accrington should serve as a warning shot 20 yards out in case Gastón decides to be El Gaston instead of El Bestia (read: I've got no problem with people leaving so long it's not like this. Period).

Houston, we have a problem...

If something like this can be seen, it means we're famous for all the wrong reason. We can't blame Álvaro "solo para siempre?" Negredo for being... well, solo para siempre. Señor's continental style is all about playing safe. To put things into proper perspective, we are the only promoted team guilty of playing ball on the ground. Period. We can try doing another West Ham (which to be fair was a way better performance than 90% of our 90 mins played so far), but will the fans be appeased? I doubt so. The only way out of our current predicament is to play the kind of football Sir Stamford Raffles and his BFF William Farquhar would play against Mahatma Gandhi last time round. Like it or not, we're stuck in a tactical catch 22 situation. Period. We can try passing the ball forward more oft than not. Go ask Ian "barking mad like someone born in 1982" Holloway what happened when Blackpool was scoring goals for fun at the top flight. If you think he's too far away for an interview, go ask Mogga what happened when West Brom was playing the kind of football which would have made Tony "Pulis says 'freeze!' to Arsenal" Pulis vomit blood right from the kickoff. It's very easy for us Boro fans to look at our beloved Boro, there's nothing wrong with it. But to look at other teams at the same time? Either you're crazy or you deserve a 14 million quids contract to be Señor's estratega.

The win against Stanley Kubrick Accrington wasn't pretty. It's like one of those days where your super mignonne legal housebreaker wouldn't pick up the phone just because your politically incorrect humour rubbed her BFF the wrong way. Considering the manner of our firing squad, I'm pretty content with the outcome. It's like me knowing for sure my super mignonne legal housebreaker will eventually talk to me. Why? Because in the same manner I was able to understand the situation, she also knows what's going on.

I'd rather focus on the next match. But before that, let me talk a bit about Downing 10. Not the Number 10 of U.K politics, but rather the number 10 of Middlesbrough XI. Firstly, let me express a big THANK YOU to Big Uncle Sam. At West Ham, Big Uncle Sam was the reason why Downing was able to rebuild his career. Gone are the days where his pace and left foot is the key to unlocking the defence. Now are the days where he has to play more with his brain and less with his pace. At the Championship, he was given a torrid time due to a lack of pace coupled with being deployed out wide. Against Stanley Accrington, he was that Stanley "not Accrington" Kubrick who got us a goal. While I'd like to see Gastón the Beast staying, it must be stated that no player is bigger than the club in the same way no Number 10 is greater than the nation. When Lee "unrelated to any Lee of Singapore" Tomlin left us for greener pastures and a better footballing style, no one would have imagined Gastón becoming our Beast. At this point of time, it's only right for us to expect the unexpected once again.

However, Downing isn't our only best bet of being the number 10. There's a good reason why Viktor "yet to be King" Fischer is anything but the finished product. He has the class, but the tenacity defining Gastón as that one beast of a player is still sorely lacking in that Danish prince waiting to be crowned. Fischer fizzling out by the 2nd half is a cause for concern. Señor demanded 100% tenacity, Fischer is still that weak link. If the growing Dane wants to be that great Dane we all hope to see, then he better start reinforcing the steel in him. As a player, he's the closest thing to El Bestia Bello. As an individual, he does things more like Belle than the Beast himself. If Daenerys Targaryen can prove herself as every bit a Targaryen as her late brother Rhaegar, what's stopping Fischer from becoming King Fischer I?

Against West Brom...

It's gonna be anything but pretty. Pulis will not rev up the engine like that Slavic #footballtrollinggod from London. Yes, Pulis will want to rev up the engine. If I can retweet a lolarious gif of Pulis doing the Sturridge dance, it means Pulis can easily try having a go at us for the first 45 mins.

Last time round, James "I'm legally clean, I tell ya!" McClean gave us a massive trolling down the right. Therefore, why should we be so stupid to expect the history not repeating itself? Key to Pulis' tactics lies in who plays in the hole (assuming he's gonna do a 4-2-3-1). The hole 9 area will indicate how high WBA will start pressing. Mark my words, the holding midfield will only be there to break up play. The hole 9 is where the turbo will be turned on like Top Gear complete with the likes of Jeremy "my next top job is to take over Jeremy Corbyn as the Chief of Labour" Clarkson and James "my next top job is to take over Theresa May as our national Number 10" May.

So what we must do in order to avoid 3 pts lost? Again, this is the kind of match which Señor will surely use to remind the fans what must be done to secure top-flight status instead of relegation in the name of scoring. There will be little to no cover in front of their number 10, so it will be ideal to park the bus there. No one is telling Señor to attack and play an English artillery or two. Not me at least. But to fight it out like what we at the Boro enjoy doing? To quote Stone Cold Steve Austin, "HELL YEAH!"

Feeling red hot by wearing red

Let's talk about what happened so far in the transfer window where Man Utd is concerned. Firstly, José "still O Especial" Mourinho admitted that Ashley "he's getting older" Young may be going somewhere. Secondly, he dropped a bombshell more powerful than a fellow Portuguese named Carolina "she's gonna net plenty of guys" Neto.

Utd is now running low in cover when it comes to the holding mid area. What about the leftback role then? By my own guess, that's where Young has been playing more oft than not. After all, we're seeing the likes of Anthony "the black Bruce Lee out wide" Martial and Henrikh "MKH (him), not KMH (me)" Mkhitaryan out wide with the likes of Jesse "my Spanish namesake amigo is moving to Las Palmas instead of Las Vegas" Lingard and Marcus "not bent over like Bent" Rashford waiting for their chances. As for Juan "from mata biru to mata merah" Mata, he decided to call his boss "my BFF (Baddest Foe Forever) turned BFF (Best Friend Forever)".

Let's talk about Wayne "transfer news are always looney" Rooney first. Assuming any talk of leaving is pure drivel created by the very same blokes who give us the Page 3 lasses, what it may possibly mean is a change in role within the team. Not so recently, Rooney decided to play hero even though he's no Captain Britain. By dropping back deep, his placement nearer to the back 4 caused plenty of anguish for the players getting himself forward (not I say one hor! Blame this foreign talent instead). While it took a Nightcrawler named Adam "not Adam Lalas" Lallana to *bamf!* Big Uncle Sam out of jail, the glare still remained on Rooney.

If Rooney is to play in the holding mid, what can he offer tactically? Firstly, he should run less, think more. He's tactically smart, just that he's too stubborn like my dad. His days are far from over, but he needs to display a willingness to be humble. To be the greatest amongst his brothers, one must first be the least amongst his brothers. If this rule was applied to the apostles during the days of the early church, what makes us think Rooney is saintlier than the apostle Paul? Rooney's days as the false 9 should be seen as history, the Sun would be better off trying to convince Miss Hazell to make men keel over once again (read: no one should be talking Rooney up as St George incarnate unless they want me to insult their IQ).

If Rooney is to play the holding mid, my ideal pick to be his Boy Wonder is Ander "El Arquero" Herrera. Blessed with athleticism and a good passing boot, His first touch reminds us of Paul "if Cantona is the King, then he's the Apostle" Scholes. Period. So long Rooney doesn't try playing a pass like Glenn "still the smartest man in the room despite karma" Hoddle, I'm all okay with this arrangement.

Which now comes back to Schweinsteiger the Bastion. For too long, we've associated Der Bastion with the holding mid role where the bastion is the key to every team's survival. Before that, however, he's a bastion out wide as the left midfield. Don't believe me, you can go ask Jürgen "not Klopp" Klinsmann. I do not know him personally, but I know he is a faithful witness to my tactical statement here. In other words, Der Bastion can easily play in the leftback role (read: note that I say left back, not left wingback). If there's anything "special" about O Especial's tactics, it'd be a stable back 4 where the line tends to stay flat like that flat-chested girl in the class next door (read: a damning testament on how we guys behaved last time round during the 90s at Gan Eng Seng School).

All that's left waiting to be reclaimed will be that tenacity which once made him that fearsome midfielder chewing up the offence and spitting a counter-offensive pass immediately afterwards.

Feeling blue by wearing red

It's a disaster. Or is it? Then again, it may really be one. Liverpool has now lost 3 home games in a trot. The Kopites are now the talk of Merseyside in terms of ridicule no thanks to their neighbours in blue. Suffice to say, the relationship between the red Scousers and the blue Scousers has always been somewhat like the relationship between pure blooded Jews and the (not-so) pure blooded Samaritans way more than 2000 years ago.

The continental showdown between Kaiser Klopp and Caesar Conte will surely be a match of 90 mins fit for an emperor. Or at least that's what we'll be hoping for.

On the first glance, Chelsea holds all the aces. I mentioned what Chelsea is all about under Caesar Conte. Twice to be exact. As for Liverpool, I did the same thing once.

However, Liverpool tends to max it out when the wide attackers are able to bomb forward. Against teams out to park the bus, this tactic is a 50-50 (read: I can just tell my players to load the English artillery from the back in order to force back your wide attackers while remaining in the 20 yard safe zone). Against Chelsea, Liverpool may not have to contend with this tactical problem. The only way for Caesar Conte to load the ammo is up. Either via a black Moses or another Spanish Alonso. Kaiser Klopp will do well to shut the gates in front of the back 4. As crazy as this sounds, the defensive midfield is where the battle will be won or lost. Not so much for Caesar Conte, but definitely for Kaiser Klopp.

If the Teutonic commander of men has to keep a wary eye on the gates holding the defensive wall together, then the Roman tactical genius has to play his cards right on when to press and when to hold. It's pointless to say long ball this and long ball that. A load of balls if I say so myself. Conte's style is all about controlling the game via two intelligent Equites Romani out wide who happens to be that damn good technically as well. Not just at Chelsea has he managed to create a wall unlike what we'll be seeing very soon at the U.S-Mexico border, mind you. For he has already done so while under national service (note to my fellow Singaporeans: This is proof that a genius does not come from a good family).

The Chelsea match may easily be that make-or-break moment for Liverpool. Conte's control-and-attack style shouldn't be seen as a favourite's ticket to victory, but rather a tactical reprieve for Klopp. The moment Liverpool can force Chelsea to transfer possession from the width to centre, Caesar Conte may well be done for. Should Chelsea be able to start dictating the offence via the wingbacks, the entire dressing room in red will be prepared for a session of hanged, drawn and quartered.

P.S: I decided to do the merry tagging game due to the nature of the last part.

Total Recall

Yes, I know the joke is really that old and corny now. Anyway, I decided to do a format overhaul for the 2nd half of the season underway. You see, I've commented all that I needed to comment when it comes to the remaining 19 individual teams. Therefore, I will only be commenting on random stuff going on so far. Most likely for the past 1 week. To highlight my sincerity, I actually started off with Watford where everything started and ended at my tactical tweets.

Yes, I know the joke is really that old and corny now...

A Tale of Two Cities: Eternal City vs Forbidden City
[authored by Clannad Brus]

If I am to choose an author name for myself (after all, every author does it), it has to be Clannad Brus. Also, don't bother googling for the above novel title. This is me doing a spoof at the expense of Charles Dickens.

Recently, total war nearly erupted between Beijing and Rome. More specifically between domestic Chinese football and a tactical genius sharing the ethnicity of Gaius Julius Caesar. Prior to the Leicester, Il Bestia was facing (somewhat of) a challenge when El Bestia decided to show him who truly deserves Emma Belle Watson's hand in marriage (with our very own El Bestia Bello not qualified for the most obvious reason).

Okay, I admit that's a joke. A very bad one.

Physio 1: Conte, Costa complained about his back.

Physio 2: Conte, I'm sure Costa is bullshitting. More specifically bullshitting his way to China.

*a few hours later*

Conte: Can't believe this. Someone forcing me to auto-resolve? Game on, mate...

Note: Conte's part was actually taking place during his favourite pastime known as playing Total War. Just don't ask him whether he's playing the Warhammer Fantasy version instead of the real world version. And yes, the whole of Middlesbrough enjoys playing it like the Wood Elves. Don't ask me whether Skarloc, the Mist Walker of Atel Loren, is around.

Nonsensical skit aside, Il Bestia would rather be assassinated like Caligula than to recognise the above dialogue. The reason why is very simple. To put this in Teutonic speak: If that's not a bullshit story, I'll eat a broomstick.

Recently, however, it seems the likes of Ladbrokes and William Hill would have better luck placing odds on whether we'll see Elisabetta going guano loco over her beloved spotted with Keeley "she's made millions by making men keel over" Hazell.

Assuming that the bust-up wasn't a bullshit story done by the tabloids, what it means should go somewhat like this...

Costa: Boss, you call for me?

Conte: No, not me. It's physio 1 and physio 2. Of course, it's me.

Costa: Okay shoot away, boss. I still got a date with a beauty from China.

Conte: A Chinese beauty like this one below? *shows Costa a random pic*

Costa: Wow... she's hot...

Conte: Don't bullshit with me, Costa. If you're intelligent enough to differentiate between a Chinese and a Korean, it means you're more than intelligent enough to know your circumstances. What were you doing by bullshitting an injury?

Costa: It wasn't fake. I saw only just now what the Sun has written. I'm innocent, boss! Don't forget that the Sun enjoys posting nudes on their third page! I swear they should be sued in the same way the Celebgate hacker got sued.

Conte: So you're telling me physio 1 and physio 2 were also bullshitting me?

Costa: ... ... ...

Conte: Get out. I don't mean the team, but my office.

*Costa slams the door behind him*

Conte: Costa!

Costa: What, you white c***?

Conte: You gave me a bullshit story about your back injury, I'll give the likes of the Sun my bullshit story on your fake news being real news. Deal?

Costa: I love you, boss.

Conte: Don't love me, go love your East Asian beauty instead.

Costa: So will I get to play against your fellow Italian?

Conte: You'd have better luck trying to date a Korean actress than starting against my fellow Roman. You call me boss, it means I'm the boss.

Costa: Like Robert de Niro?

Conte: No. Like Al Pacino. Now go off and train by yourself unless you want to see me rule the entire Cosa Nostra.

What you read above is all bullshit...

But not this part. A look at Il Bestia's Roman XI betrays something interesting...

So who is exactly the Remus to Conte's Romulus? Prior to whatever bullshit story contributing to Costa's no-show, Phil "I don't do Dr Phil" Thompson wasn't exactly the first person to say "the Duke of Hazard." if I say so myself. On the first glance, Costa may not look like Conte's Stan the Man. After all, it's been quite some time since Señor made the Caesar sweat for a hard earned 3 points.

Let me first do an analysis on Willian's impact. Then we'll see clearly the answer to the whole Stan the Man question.

As a player, Willian is no centre-forward. However, Il Bestia's tactical genius lies in the central striking role. This is 3-4-3 Barca, no questions asked. You can ask Víctor "not Viktor" Valdés how his ex-boss did things while his current boss was having a beef with his amigo. No questions asked, it's Willian playing Messi last week.

Unlike the Argentium wunderkind from Argentina who plays more like Pele, Willian is more of a Juan Román "the only Juan so far" Riquelme. If reports coming from Neil "last names reminds me of a nursery rhyme" Humphreys was spot on, it means telling N'Golo "Le Kanté Noir" Kanté to move sideways more oft than moving up and down was a decoy tactic. By shifting the focus of his fellow Caesar to the wrong end, the match was ripe for Chelsea's picking. Or more specifically any pass coming from Willian. Unlike Costa, Willian's job is not about scoring goals. Which means he can easily position himself near the midfield rather than in the 20 yard box. Like a certain Teutonic commander, the absence of one key fellow merely gave way to another way to approach the match. Like another Teutonic general, Il Bestia isn't above doing a false 9 approach.

Imagine this: Willian makes a pass>Pedro gets the ball>GOAL!!!!!!!!!

Or this: Willian makes a pass>Hazard gets the ball>GOAL!!!!!!!!!

Or more likely this: Willian makes a pass>Moses gets the ball>opposition defence opens up like the Red Sea.

And don't get me started on Marcos "basically the faster Alonso" Alonso. Once he gets the ball, we'll get to see three Alonsos for the price of one. Sounds like a tactical steal? You bet. I swear Fernando "the fastest Alonso" Alonso is worth way more than 23 million quids by my own estimation (then again, I was a renowned failure in maths while at Henderson Primary School and Gan Eng Seng School).

You see, the tactical key has shifted from the width to the central position. In this sense, no one is that Stan the Man. Apart from Conte the Beast ofc...

Return of the Sausage

A big welcome back sign should be seen from the stands asap. Period. Not so recently, Ireland legalised same-sex marriage. Not so recently, Ryan "not Shawcross" Tunnicliffe decided to play politician. Not so recently, Patrick "Bam! Bam! Bam!" Bamford decided to test his mettle somewhere. Finally, the prodigal son returned to his rightful home. For the next four years or so, he'll have every single chance to say "Señor, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your player."

For now, I'll have to sign off with this note below.

P.S: It's not that I'm out to be my own Steve Jobs. I know I may have made a promise to do a decent (?) analysis on Bamford's role in the future. Sadly, we're now nearing the West Ham match kick off and I need to prepare myself mentally to do proper tactical tweets. I've felt quite lethargic from the moment I woke up till like a few hours ago. As a result, this post required two separate sessions of brain usage.

Add P.S: If that's not a bullshit story, I'll eat a broomstick. Will do a tactical explanation why I'm entitled to emulate a certain Teuton in the land of Anglo-Saxons.

Final P.S: Just feel like upping these two vids 4 teh lolz.

This is how you nail your target... [Round Deux]

Time flies really damn fast. Before I knew it, we're already at 2017. Before we knew it, it's round 2 of the domestic season. And speaking of the domestic season, the power brokering blokes at the various European leagues seem to have a reached a consensus. For some funny reason, winter break may easily be a thing of the past. This season, there seemed to be no winter break in sight. Doesn't matter if you're Les Aiglons or Les Parisiens. Doesn't matter if you're Die Roten, Die Schwarzgelben, or Die Hamburger (apologies in advance if my super mignonne legal housebreaker has a BFF there).

Then we also have I Lupi and Le Aquile,

http://1986gf.blogspot.com/2016/11/this-is-how-you-nail-your-target.html

The big blue bus?

Claudio "a new Julio-Claudian dynasty?" Ranieri is surely a likeable guy. So likeable, many people may have felt sorry for him when José "O Especial is back" Mourinho assumed command of the San Siro.

So would tonight be a grudge match of sorts? After all, Marc "will he model for Marc Jacobs?" Albrighton did give Antonio "better don't call him El Mariachi until end of the season" Barragán a total nightmare. To cap things off an unforgettable night for pundits, punters, the faithful red and blue, Marten "fights like a marten, run like the Roon, still playing like an Italian" De Roon decided to take a legal acid trip.

So will Caesar Ranieri employ trench warfare against us? At home, they're content to cede possession and hit us at the break. While plenty has been stated about Jamie "the party must still go on" Vardy's importance in the wake of his absence, I find that Islam "no pork in my salami pls" Slimani and Ahmed "a musa named Ahmed" Musa played a more vital role against us. With the Vardy party only (re)starting after tonight, what should we expect?

Definitely not this one above...

Against Albrighton, let me give just say that Barragán got brutally roasted. Don't get me wrong, I still think Barragán is a good fullback. However, I do find Bernardo "will he be our Santo Bernardo?" Espinosa to be much better defensively. Against Man Utd, he held fort firmly like what we'd expect from a player under Señor (or even Senhor for that matter). A centreback by default, he did his chances no harm by turning a solid shift as a rightback. One might wonder whether Albrighton would have gotten past our right if El Santo was there instead of El Mariachi.

Unlike Barragán, Espinosa isn't exactly the kind of fullback to transit play from defence to attack. That's Barragán's territory (in this sense, he's quite similar to our BFF George). However, Espinosa's physical approach also means giving Señor a welcomed strategic headache. Leicester will see this match in the same way we will see it: 6 pointer match up for grabs.

Last time round, there's not much pressure on the Foxes. The reason being that our standing in the league table was more precarious than theirs. This time round, it's a 50-50. If Leicester dares to play for a draw, the Caesar will be facing a rebellion worse than the Bar Kokhba revolt aeons ago.

How low will they go?

'Tis very hard to say. Our pitch at Riverside is definitely wide enough to boss possession while making the most out of it without playing it like Barcelona. In this sense, I won't be surprised if Leicester will play the same old game: cede possession>break and counter. In the form of Albrighton and Riyad "first name reads like Riyadh, last name reads like Jason Mraz" Mahrez, they have one orthodox out-and-out winger and an orthodox continental winger respectively. Leicester's approach out wide is that simple. Extremely effective in narrow pitch, but it may also mean Albrighton having to cut inside more oft than not.

As for the fullbacks, they'll be doing the same thing 90% of the teams we've played so far were doing against us: whipping in crosses via the back. Remember, me lads and ladies, this is a team which plays like a stereotypical English team with a semblance of success.

In the absence of Vardy, we have Slimani (or Musa for that matter). In the absence of Okazaki "the Japanese Buzzsaw" Shinji, who might we be facing? After all, key to Leicester's fortunes both last season and this time round has always hinged heavily on pace, width, and a second striker around the 1.7m height range.

50 Shades of Gray

There's a reason why I mentioned the most famous work of softcore pr0n here. It has nothing to do with Christian Grey, but rather another matter of Gray.

We all have done stupid things in our lives before, only a moron will deny this. Yet, it doesn't mean that Demarai "neither Christian nor a Yank" Gray should emulate a certain Brock "I don't care if he's a Turner or al-Turner" Turner. Yes, his form is hitting a dip right now. But if there's a player who can hurt us in tandem with Slimani (or Musa for that matter), it will be him. Unlike the Japanese Buzzsaw, he's got pace abound. Unlike the warrior from Nigeria and slayer from Algeria, he's got mobility apart from pace. Caesar can opt for a Musa-Slimani partnership against us, it's actually tactically doable. However, this partnership tends to work better in narrow pitches. It's either that or Leicester will have to risk slowing down play once they get the ball.

Talking point: BFF

It should be clear by now. When I mention BFF, I'm not referring to that of my super mignonne legal housebreaker. When I mention BFF, I'm talking about George "neither St George nor Lonesome George" Friend.

Fabio's recent consistency may have thrown some interesting questions on how our BFF leftback can/will force his way back into the team bar a trip to the FICU (i.e. Footballers' Intensive Care Unit). I know plenty of ppl will laugh at me and call me crazy for saying "hey, let's try our BFF out on the offensive left!"

Laugh all you want, but Señor's tactical decision whenever he tossed our BFF off the bench has vindicated my words. Against Swansea, he did just that. Against Man Utd, I won't be surprised if that's the reason why Fabio stayed on the pitch. It's like the late Steve Jobs saying "I have a dream and it's called the i-technology." People laughed and call him barking mad even though he's just as smart as Bill "not Robert" Gates. Years later, we have the i-technology minus the iCloud platform gap (read: you don't expect a dead genius to know what happened after he died).

When Mogga signed our BFF leftback, the intention was to get an attacking fullback. Out of all his signings, I'll have to say our BFF is one of, if not the better performers so far. As a rampaging George, he was terrorising the opponents like St George charging out of his stronghold. Under the new government, he's forced to play Lonesome George. Señor's pragmatism is quite the antithesis of Mogga's idealism, there's no way he would tolerate gaps and holes anywhere at the back.

So why gave me the idea that our BFF can play on the offensive left? Firstly, he has the attacking instincts of an offensive fullback. This was the reason why Mogga signed him in the first place. Secondly, he has improved a lot on the defensive end. This was the reason why he's the only notable survivor from the Mogga era. If our BFF can play as a wingback (something which he has alrdy proven to all), what makes us think that it's tactically impossible to play a more defensive variation of the left midfield? Formation is there for a reason, it's not for us to guess who will be having the upper hand. Given the manner which Señor employs his strategy and tactics, who are we to say that our BFF out wide in a more attacking role is a case of IMPOSSIBRU!!!!

And while we're at it, how about Barragán as El Mariachi alongside BFF George and Gastón El Bestia?

Fight Club, Turf Club (aka will we burn them on their turf or will we be burnt on their turf?)

Today, I'm going to try something ambitious. Namely upping two posts in one go. Not in the same blog, mind you. But yeah, still two posts. Whether it will be a success or failure... well, let's wait till the stroke of midnight where either the royal carriage shall remain the same or revert back to a pumpkin state.

Bad Blood?

If there's any equivalent to Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift's Bad Blood, would it be us and Burnley? A lot has been said about some kind of fan rivalry which doesn't make any sense at all. We're no Liverpool, neither is Burnley Man Utd. We're no Real Madrid, Turf Moor is never part of Catalonia. No matter how we see it, some things never made any sense. That's until Sean "hopefully not a douche" Dyche mentioned something about us spending money like some Hollywood celeb when it comes to the transfer market. That was after Burnley got relegated first time round, but not before they received a massive "kaching!" (read: parachute payment).

I don't like speculating about other people's spending habits. In fact, do you think I should speculate about Dyche's spending habits if I don't even give a damn about how my super mignonne legal housebreaker spends daily in Orchard Road?

What I'm trying to say is this: I'm not part of the people on the ground (read: both the locals from Riverside and at the Turf Moor), therefore I can easily keep calm and carry on.

If you happen to be English, just keep calm. Period.

Never the Barca of northeast, played like Beirut of the northeast

When I mentioned Beirut, it has got nothing to do with Lebanon, the Hezbollah, and Mid-East politics in general. Someone in the North East Football Banter page in FB (forgot who since it's been a long time ago) boasted that Sunderland is the Barca of the northeast. Another fellow (also forgot who) replied by saying something like "yeah, the beirut of northeast".

Swansea was our best win so far in the season, but it's also one of our worse performances so far (if not, the worst so far).

"...we have played better in other games and left with nothing."

If we think we can get away from Turf Moor with anything worthwhile via this type of performance, it means the only thing we'll be getting is another 3-0. Not 3-0 against Swansea, but 3-0 ver.Liverpool.

Burnley is a team of fighters. Whether we like it or not, Dyche is one of the two most exceptional man managers in the top flight (the other being Eddie "the Once and Future Knight" Howe). Dyche is not a moron, he knows the only way is up. Not just climbing up the table, but also pressing up the field as well.

Thanks to the Jews...

...I may have discovered something interesting. While both matches were away fixtures, I decided to have a peek at Tottenham's team selection and that of West Ham as well. Against the Burnley, Mauricio "poached by Jewtown" Pochettino played his classic 4-2-3-1. Against the same opponent, Slaven "I trolled the Brits like Diego '#footballtrollinggod' Simeone" Bilić played a pre-25th Dec Christmas tree (read: 3-4-2-1). 4-2-3-1 is a different deal to 3-4-2-1. As different as night and day to be exact.

There's a hidden clue when it comes to being similar. We have Victor "Kuroyama-san says ohayo" Wanyama, we also have Harry "neither a Kane nor a Lee" Winks. The former is used as the Mountain that Stands instead of some mountain that rides. The latter is a midfielder deployed out wide. I doubt Winks is an orthodox winger, but it doesn't mean he can't play out wide. Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez is capable of operating out wide, but to call him a winger by trade is like telling me Heather Chua is a Brown University graduate in reality.

On the other side of London, I can't find anything worth the Boro cause apart from a 6 man midfield. In other words, 'tis another four by two.

What this possibly means is this: In the same way it's tactically possible to hold fort via a 6 man midfield, likewise it's also tactically possible to do the same with Harry and Christian at the flanks (wait... Harry and Christian? Sounds a bit like a rival company to Ernst and Young).

My advice to Señor? Firstly, Burnley will be throwing everything at us including the kitchen sink and Dyche's missus. Secondly, assuming Dyche will be throwing caution to the wind just because of that is like telling me the girlfriend Heather Chua is none other than Emma "Duchess of Trollinburg" Watson. If I'm wrong on this part, then let me quote BG Tan (during one of his REACH dialogue forum sessions with ppl like me) by saying "I would like to be your friend". If I'm really wrong on this part, then let me quote a German by saying "I'll eat a broomstick".

There has to be a ball anchor somewhere. Given that Dyche is one hell of a son of a gun when it comes to man motivation, I won't be surprised if the ball anchor happens to be someone like Sam "the Vokeswagon" Vokes, Ashley "he's built like a barn" Barnes, or even Jóhann the Iceberg. How high the ball will be anchored may possibly mean how deep we have to defend. How low the ball will be anchored means how much the attacking players will have to run. Their turf may be English territory, but trust me when I say the Anglo-Saxons there will be going war-crazy like a bunch of battle hardened Moors.

P.S: Okay lads and ladies. There's nothing to talk about from today onwards. The French and English have signed a truce, we won't be seeing the end of the Hundred Years' War as we like to see it.

Add P.S: Yes, I know it's short. I'm officially running against time. Some more haven't eat dinner yet.

Final P.S: Suddenly realised I may be a closet anti-Semite. Either that or I actually understand satire better than 99% of my local S'poreans. So much for being a local genius, here's hoping Magneto will get a German son-in-law as his Christmas present next year. *shrugs*

Forced to be optimistic?

It wasn't pretty. In fact, it was absolutely messy. I'm not referring to seeing your girlfriend without her makeup on (albeit I recalled seeing my super mignone legal housebreaker sans makeup like 4 yrs ago. She didn't look messy to me). I'm referring to our 3-0 stuffing at the hands of Liverpool. Consensus amongst the fans is very simple: The lions had a chance while 1-0 down by half time, the Liverbirds ended up stuffing a pride of lions by full time.

Going by the general opinion (beyond the whole "oh, we're playing against Liverpool, not Bournemouth!"), it seems that my worst fear actually came true. We ended up conceding our northern frontier come the next 45 mins.

It's pointless to wind back the clock right now. If we as human beings could do so, quite obviously I'd never do that one stupid decision 3 years ago concerning my super mignone legal housebreaker and Facebook. Period.

A story of two birds

Firstly, I need to point out that bird in British slang means girl. If I call my super mignone legal housebreaker "my bird", it means she's my girl. Which means she's my girlfriend. Why I have the urge to say this... well, I'm just showing off my half-baked command of British English. Period.

Why is the story of two birds, the reason is very simple. In the previous 90 mins, we're up against the finest birds in the top flight. Namely, the Liverbirds. In our next 90 minutes in less than 2 hrs later, we have to face the Welsh birds. Namely, Swansea.

Two kinds of birds

Nicknamed the Swans, it's obvious that Swansea belongs to the Welsh species. However, there's actually a bit of American in this current batch of Swans. Namely, Bob "not to be confused with another Yankee Bob" Bradley.

Recently (okay, not so recently), Comey and Feds managed(?) to bust one of, if not the greatest, Hollywood scandal ever. No, it's not that gender pay gap thing. Yes, it's bad. But at least Apple never endorses gender pay gap (hopefully not anyway). The worst Hollywood scandal happened to be the one which traumatised plenty of Hollywood birds (if I recall correctly, the body count is around 101). Professional journalists call it Celebgate, online journalists have a... well, unsavoury version of this name. Let's just call it a F-word. Why I'm highlighting two kinds of birds is very simple. Hollywood represents America in a certain way, football represents America in another way. As for soccer, Mr Bradley used to coach the U.S national soccer team. If you think I'm talking nonsense, you better be mentally prepared to eat a broomstick. The likes of Tim "he could have saved America!" Howard and Landon "I like his last name" Donovan can be my witnesses. In fact, the likes of Hope 'unrelated to Harrison Ford" Solo and Alex "not Piers" Morgan can also be my witnesses. I do not claim to be famous, I only claim to speak the facts.

You have only 45 mins!!!!!!

Imagine Cable telling Deadpool to hurry up before Professor X and Magneto fused to become Onslaught once again. To make things worse, the reason behind Cable's ire is actually down to Deadpool still watching porn through his laptop. To put it in a nutshell, I really need to hurry up. 40 mins or so from kick off.

Firstly, George "BFF is back" Friend's timely return has given Señor a much welcomed headache. As our default LB, our BFF has endured a horrid beginning. It's like me committing that dumbest mistake 3 yrs ago. Like yours truly, our BFF is now facing better times just like how I realised my super mignone legal housebreaker has been holding a torch for me in the last 3 yrs (and still counting). His injury couldn't come at a worse timing. Then again, Fabio was facing one of, if not the most, in-form wingback named Victor "he parts the opposition defence like the Red Sea" Moses. Simply put, our BFF was spared the ignominy of being Lonesome George.

Assuming Fabio stays and our BFF needs to affirm his mettle, what should be Señor's decision? I'll get to that come the end.

Gylfi "not Odinson, but quite close" Sigurðsson is the real dangerman. As a midfielder capable of playing either at the wing or centre park, he's somewhat like the kind of player Bastian "hopefully still Der Bastion" Schweinsteiger should have been. Tactically smart with a deadly foot to boot. The similarities cannot be any more shocking. Both started off as a wide player. Both are capable of playing in the centre park. Both are basically the default set-piece dealer in their respective teams. The only key difference lies in Der Bastion being more of a Teutonic knight while Sigurðsson as a player is more about guile. Sounds familiar?

Mark my words, Sigurðsson will be Mr Bradley's Hollywood man.

Return of the Beast

Will we see the return of the Beast? We really missed Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez. Against the saintly south, we missed him. Against the smoking birds from Merseyside, we definitely missed him. If Señor needs to find a magic formula quick and fast to fix our 50-50 patch, he doesn't have to worry. Because he has already stumbled upon one. Against Hull, I saw something which made my eyes lit up. On one end of the width, we have a Danish kingfisher named Viktor "yet to be King Fischer" Fischer. On the other end of the width, we have our laughing jackass from Latin America. I don't have to tell you he shares the same name as a Disney jackass (any act of promoting Emma "the Duchess of Megawatts" Watson here should be seen as an accident).

This is our best starting firing squad (i.e. including Álvaro "solo para siempre?" Negredo because we need a 3rd bloke), mark my words. As for the correct Traoré, let me just quote Echizen Ryoma by saying "mada mada dane."

My advice to Señor? Look out for where Sigurðsson will be deployed. If he's playing the width, it means a straight 3 ball control approach. If he's playing at hole 9, it means the wide players will be given the license to roam and kill. If he's at the holding mid, it means Mr Bradley will be going for broke (at least most likely). If it's false 9, we'll be in for a tough fight because the attacking 3 behind him will be given the license to roam and kill. Mr Bradley will most likely play this compact, but he won't park the bus. 1 pt is not enough for either side, only 3 pts will do. The factors are stacked against them due to potential jetlag (an irony given both Southampton and Swansea belong to the south). Yet, the ball is also round. I'm forced to be optimistic for a reason: We can win it, we also have to win it. Forget about predictions, any win will do. Assuming a 3-0 stuffing of the Welsh turkey is like making up a story just to make me eat a broomstick. Period. Let the final whistle do the job, not us.

P.S: Can our BFF play at the offensive left?

Hungry man=/=Angry man

Okay, so we lost it. We lost it in the 2nd half because we may have easily won it in the 1st half. Credit to the opposition, the brigade of Saint George led by Monsieur Rouge et Blanc deserved to boss us in the last 45 mins due to our inability to score like the S'pore national team. The personal irony wasn't lost me after full time. It's basically the same thing as the Watford match. Against Watford, I tweeted that José "the human Bas Kilang" Holebas was to be Walter "Il Maserati" Mazzarri's tactical Maserati. Turned out he scored a wonder goal to sink us all. Against Southampton, I tweeted caution against Sofiane "tak Sufian" Boufal once Monsieur Rouge et Blanc decided to sub in Nathan "the black Robben" Redmond. Turned out the Rouge et Blanc ver of Franck "Le Cicatrice" Ribéry staged an act of robbery so bloody damn epic, even the late Bonnie and Clyde would have been impressed.

A hungry man=/=an angry man

If you're a hungry man, it's not necessarily that you're an angry man. People fast for a reason just like how people abuse their 2nd Amendment rights for a reason (and no, I'm not referring to President Rodrigo "not Duturtle" Duterte. Likewise, we can't assume every angry Boro fan is a hungry Boro fan (read: there's still the parmo).

I didn't understand why Señor chose to keep his cards late before deciding whether to play a Jack, King, Ace, or the Joker. Now please allow me to be his defence attorney free of charge when it comes to the starting lineup.

When we saw Jordan "not of the River Jordan" Rhodes starting, we might have gone somewhat like "huh?!?" in the same way we saw Dany's nude shot on TV. More specifically, it's eyes nearly popping out instead of whether 'tis a good thing or not.

"He can't make the cut as the lone striker!!!!"

"Stuani out on the right again????!!!!????"

Basically complaints like these two. Yes, I never doubted Rhodes ability to score in the same way I'm waiting to be proven wrong when it comes to his lack of ability to lead the line as the Lone Ranger (read: We really need a Batman instead of Robin). However, I also need to ask this damning question: When was the last time he actually played?

My estimation is "not since America became great by shocking the world, bringing down the Asian stock market, and confounding the so-called experts all at the same time" (however, it must also be stated that this proved the global media doesn't understand American society even half as well the big kahunas have claimed to be).

In other words, we're starting with a striker who is anything but match fit. His goal poaching skills made him a fan favourite to start in every game, the irony was that Señor actually did just that. So we can't really complain beyond the adamant view of a two striker system (something which Señor would never do due to having 1 less midfielder to hold fort). To hammer home the fact that I'm not telling nonsense, the lad took a knock prior to the game (or something like that).

Then we have Cristhian "he's no Arnie on the right" Stuani. Unlike the previous matches before we signed the right Traoré, I could see an actual tactical sense in this lineup. With Adam "not Clayton" Forshaw starting to prove himself as the upstart of upfield passing (basically, that's how Álvaro "solo para siempre?" Negredo scored the 2nd of his English [northeast] career), it means more leeway for Stuani to emulate Arnie in the box. If such a strategy wasn't workable, we most likely wouldn't have gotten a sniff in the first half. As it turned out, Señor was correct and the moaners were wrong.

Problem started in the 2nd half. We ran out of steam (very likely that jetlag overtook us after we overexerted ourselves in the 1st half). Period. The introduction of the black Robben merely served to exacerbate the situation. Period.

However, it must also be stated that an effective strategy shouldn't be used as an excuse not to throw a sub or two. Imagine what may happen if the correct Traoré or Emilio "he's no Gary Stue" Nsue took to the field. The former would have provided us with an effective outlet to pin back their wide players while the latter could easily offer us a safer break-and-counter approach (interestingly enough, it seems that a lack of match fitness may have cost more than just one Nsue).

To be, or not to be

That is the question. I may be quoting Shakespeare, but I'm not referring anyone to Prince Hamlet. I'm referring to Señor's tactical insistence to keep the subs on the bench like how Gandalf had said something about the wizard never too early or too late.

Yet, it must be stated that it makes far more sense to be stubborn when it comes to philosophy compared to tactical switches. At the same time, we're no Man City or Arsenal in the same way Señor is no El Genio or Le Professeur. We're nearing the wrong end of the table, we don't have that kind of money even one tenth as obscene compared to the Japanese AV (read: porn) industry.

Because I know I may have accidentally traumatised just about anybody who reads this blog (albeit you all should know by now whatever I've written is only for the intelligent and/or mature), I decided to use this video above as distraction of sorts. After all, this version of Wang Yi is actually less sexually arousing than the previous versions. And yes, she's actually a historical symbol of feminism way before the rise of feminism as we know it.

Also, Cao Cao in his youth was dismissed as a lobo in the same way I was being seen as one in my schooling days. However, I don't see myself as a crafty hero in turbulent times (gotta admit both of us have a weakness for girls since the start of puberty). As for Sun Ce, I actually have his daring son-of-a-gun modus operandi minus someone like Da Qiao as my stabilising factor (then again, change is the only constant in life as we know it). As for Zhuge Liang...

The Longzhong thesis

If I am to be Zhuge Liang, then Señor is definitely Liu Bei. If I am the Sleeping Dragon, then Singapore is my Longzhong.

Above statement is only meant as a pompous statement of shameless self-promotion (yes, I know this is even worse than Xiaxue's modus operandi). Zhuge Liang compared himself with Guan Zhong (an exceptional politician serving Duke Huan of the state of Qi during the Warring States era) and Yue Yi (and exceptional general in the same period serving the state of Yan). I'm not that daring, let alone crazy. However, I do have his analytical skill.

Those who are knowledgeable enough to differentiate a fictional novel from non-fiction history will understand that Zhuge Liang wasn't the god of strategy many others are still talking about. His northern campaign against Wei was an abject failure (albeit the debacle at Jieting was the reason why everything went terribly pear-shaped and downhill). Yet, one should never discount the fact that he was actually the chief commander behind a successful campaign against the tribes of Nanzhong who were out to declare independence via violent means (in fact, they've been doing it ever since Liu Bei seized control of the Yi province from Liu Zhang).

One exceptional contribution was when Liu Bei humbled himself by visiting Zhuge Liang despite the need not to do so. It's like Señor coming to Singapore just to look for me once the season is over. It was there which the Sleeping Dragon presented his Longzhong thesis.

The Longzhong thesis revolved around two provinces, namely the provinces of Jing and Yi. The former was under the jurisdiction of Liu Biao, someone who was quite frankly useless. The latter was bossed by someone no better. Namely, Liu Zhang.

The Yi province was that of a basin terrain. Basically, it means being surrounded by mountains. Sounds familiar? That's where Señor did right.

As for the Jing province, it's all about the offensive either towards the right or up north. Sounds familiar? that's where we're currently having a problem.

When it comes to the left, we have players like Stewart "will he be downed by his ex?" Downing, Viktor "yet to be King" Fischer, and Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez. Players who can hold down the ball and pass/cross it like a Teesside made howitzer. Linking up with whoever the bloke at hole 9, it means the two holding mids will have plenty of leeway to make decisions (read: whether to move up, fall back, or go sideways like a sidewinder snake high on drugs). When it comes to the right, we're still lacking our cutting edge. We'll most likely need Nsue up to shape (not to mention crossing accuracy as well) if we need to have something going for us (not to mention Señor's philosophy as well). Perhaps assuming the correct Traoré to the solution is like assuming the Celebgate hackers are, in fact, representing Anonymous (read: from 4chan).

So what about the correct Traoré? His pace, mobility, and a buff bod newly worked would have caused the Saints problems aplenty. However, he also needs to know that a lack of tracking back could have easily killed us. They have Jay "not Mr Chou" Rodriguez and Boufal out wide. Who did we have? Or more specifically, who did we have out right? Stuani may be a willing player, but he's never fast enough to cover ground.

As for Fischer, his willingness to get forward was encouraging. Yes, he missed quite a sitter. But hey, he got himself around the most Jewish backline in the English top flight! We did give ourselves a horrible time in taking corners/set pieces though. Bummer that.

Gastón, pls come back... ToT

We missed Gastón in the same way Belle would always miss her beastly prince. Yes, 'tis nice to see Fischer picking out the pass in the final 3rd like a laughing jackass (fellow S'poreans graduated from Aussie schools like University of Newcastle and the CSU would understand what a laughing jackass looks like. And no, it's not me). However, it still remains that our default laughing jackass is El Bestia Bello himself. And he's still crocked and unavailable.

Interestingly, Señor mentioned a stunning revelation here. Lies, damned lies, and statistics... we'd like to react like that, but we're no Mark Twain. Hell, who are we to think we're more educated/intelligent than the man himself? Might as well try making something out of nothing.

Firstly, there's a difference between Stuani out right atm and Stuani on the right last time round. That difference is Downing. Or rather his lack of pace. Fischer may not be the fastest bloke out on the left (more likely that accolade goes to the correct Gastón), but at least he's a better option in getting forward. Against Liverpool, however, we'll need to up the fight. Fischer needs to pick out space like a kingfisher, but he also needs to fight like Gastón the beast. The former is arguably easier than doing so against the Saints, 'tis the latter which has me worried. Under Jürgen "#TeamRoboKlopp" Klopp, the Liverbird is soaring like a phoenix reborn from the fire and ashes. Yes, they got injuries. We still have to contend with an absent Negredo, half fit Rhodes, and an injured beast of a Gastón for crying out loud! Yes, Loris "he's no French" Karius may be looking like a French Lloris made in China. So what? Football is full of uncertainties, only a moron will say we're playing against 11 Kariuses instead of just 1 Karius between the sticks. Who knows, maybe Karius will be fired up because of this.

The critics are no idiots, neither are they the kind of people who have gotten the wrong karma (something which got Glenn "still the smartest bloke in the room unless dethroned by Southgate" Hoddle into trouble in the first place). They're no fools. They know who the pride of Merseyside is going up against. Not only are they going up against a team renowned for steel on the pitch, the entire Teesside has always been used to that backs-against-the-wall situation. Coupled with the fact that they're going up against El Estratega Genio himself, it means nothing should be taken for granted (disclaimer: I don't profess to be that person unless the correct Gibbo decides to endorse me like a social media influencer endorsing a product).

This may easily be Calum "the 16 million GBP man" Chambers' toughest fight yet. After all, it wasn't a coincidence that Liverpool scored 3 (or was it 4?) past Les Goners with this lad starting as Le Goner centreback. Against Spurs, he was overawed by the white hot lads from White Hart Lane. Against Leicester, he was given the wrong karma. Against the duo of Sadio "confirm dio one!" Mané and Divock "badder than the #OriginalGuy" Origi, what are his chances of withstanding a fast and furious tag-team? Seeing him and Ben "Le Prince" Gibson going up against them is like imagining the Hardy Boyz doing a TLC match against the Two Man Power Trip. Too damn risky, but still no choice.

Which comes to this guy.

How much was Firmino's price? They say every player has his price, I say every man has his pride. When Raheem "show me the real Sterling!" Sterling decided to sign his own Brexit, Brendan "I'll sign Barton for 30 million quids" Rodgers have already signed a potential replacement for like... 29 million quids? No matter what, Firmino's versatility mirrors that of Sterling. So long he stays firing fit, the Kops will be firing on all cylinders. Ultimately, Philippe "O Santo" Coutinho's absence merely gave #RoboKlopp another option. Period. From false 9 to orthodox 9, from Brazil to Germany.

My advice to Señor? Assuming #TeamRoboKlopp won't tweak the midfield approach, it means we'll be dealing with a dynamic middle 3rd mirroring that of the Rodgers dynasty. The previous era may have undergone plenty of ridicule over a season at its final throes of death, but RoboKlopp has done exceptionally well to retain what isn't broken while fixing what's broken. What was broken lies in the lack of goals and motivation. What remains the same is the dynamic style of the midfield. Ironically, the middle 3 is now looking like Swansea's middle 3 during Rodgers' dynasty. Many pundits predict Karius being targetted like a sitting duck during open season. Well, guess what? You think Klopp is stupid? Better luck if you want to see him eat a broomstick. If possible at all, he won't give us a chance to breach the backline. His approach is most likely very simple. Keep the ball at the back and pass it to the front. Or whoever deployed behind the 3 firing Kops. Unlike us, Liverpool didn't have to make a long journey down south. Only an idiot will believe travelling from north to south in England is like my super mignone legal housebreaker travelling from Punggol West to Jalan Membina. This is England, not Singapore (albeit both are island nations). If we play this deep, Traoré better start playing like his correct self lest he becomes the next Djimi.

The riskier approach, however, may easily be the better approach. It's like Guo Jia telling Cao Cao to attack the Wuhuan tribe when Yuan Tan and Yuan Xi decided to bail out north. Many of his vassals played the cautious game as there's no point trying to run the cavalry ragged from south to north. Guo Jia's logic was that it's winnable. While Klopp won't commit the dumb mistake of sitting back and do nothing, surely we'd be inviting a triple threat if we're to sit back instead. It's like Guo Jia telling Cao Cao to attack no matter what, for the newly acquired north would experience upheaval should the Wuhuan-Yuan coalition start riding south. Yes, we should have a try in parking the bus high up. In Rodgers speak, it's called playing high block. In fact, it's a more pragmatic approach since seeing the correct Traoré is strictly still a 50-50 call.

We have to force back their wide players, we have to force them to track back. No one is telling us to play the wide areas fast and furious, but can we try playing it smart? My advice, your call. That's my message to Señor. Oh, and one more thing. We can just go playing this match with nary a sliver of pressure. Home match? Home support? Who cares so long we reciprocate the fans' passion while trying to right some wrongs from our last 90 mins?

Imagine the unthinkable, imagine Chambers pushing his tormentor into the footballing gas chamber.
Bummer we lost the one and only Ali Brownlee. His comments would have been super epic.