Why always Cyrus?

Why always Cyrus? I'm not referring to Miley "not a citrus" Cyrus Christie (apparently, she's been staying it low key apart from whatever news she made with Thor's younger bro Loki). Rather, I'm referring to Miley Cyrus "neither a Persian nor Malcolm" Christie. We all know the deal about racism. It's always the Black Panther versus the White Gorilla.

Don't bother wondering where is the White Gorilla. Apparently, race is still a sensitive topic in the western half of the hemisphere despite democracy. Also, it seems Shuri is that black girl wearing white.

This time around, it seems that the Trumps have made the headlines for all the wrong reason. For some funny reason, this was reminiscent of Ryan "not Shotton the Shotgun" Tunnicliffe's answer to Ireland legalising same-sex marriage.

And now the good news...

He's back. Miley Cyrus "neither a Persian nor Malcolm" Christie is back. Or at least I hope so for tonight/today's match against Birmingham. This is a match we can't lose. Not after the latest fixture results turned against our favour. In a funny twist of fate, Birmingham is currently owned by Chinese people in the same way I'm also Chinese. Let's cut short the chase, let's start talking about Steve "Brum or bust?" Cotterill and his Brum.

Parking the Brum bus?

We're at home, they're at away. We play 4-2-3-1, they'll most likely play 4-3-3. I've seen Brum defeated by Barnsley. More specifically the team sheet. I've seen Brum defeated Nottingham Forest. More specifically the team sheet. In the former case, it's 4-2-3-1. For the latter, it's 4-3-3. For now, I'm prepared to assume that Steve Brum has stumbled upon a tactical magic formula.

I tried finding a common ground between Steve Brum's 4-2-3-1 and 4-3-3. You have someone named Jota (not to be confused with Diogo "not Diego?" Jota or the Korean Jota). Against Barnsley, he played in hole 9. Against Forest, he played out wide. Trying to make sense of his impact on the team sheet was quite challenging. Thankfully, there's a Gallagher. Not a Liam or Noel. Rather, it's a Sam.

Secondly, I needed to find where Steve Brum would deploy the ball anchor. Interestingly, the victory over Forest revealed the fast and nippy centre-forward while the defeat at the hands of Barnsley betrayed the typical 6 footer. I still remember Lukas "the Jutower" Jutkiewicz, Mogga signed him first before Birmingham did so. Against Forest, Steve Brum deployed a Che. Not Los Che or a Che Guevara, but rather Che "will he become Brum's Che?" Adam. Steve Brum is no moron. He should have seen Thomas "the great Dane of the Mediterranean" Christiansen dismantling us last weekend. If our Welsh Monk decides to stick with Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer, it means chances are that we'll see Steve Brum's Che as the centre-forward again. There has to be a reason why the Leeders ended up having Kemar "I don't hoof the ball up the roof" Roofe as the vanguard despite him being the fast and nippy type. Simply put, if it worked for the Leeders, surely it will work for the Brummers.

Ofc it doesn't mean Steve Brum won't need a ball anchor. He still needs it. My best bet would be a 3-man fort. Against Barnsley, the Brummers were bummed by one bloke less in front of the back 4 instead of one bloke more. Against Forest, it seems that having 3 blokes instead of 2 actually gave the firing squad more confidence in attacking the final third. The lack of a 6 foot Pole won't mean a thing so long the ball anchor is being fixed at the back. And by that, I mean four by three, not the four by two made famous by the Germans since Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw took over.

Interestingly, both 4-2-3-1 and 4-3-3 are capable of falling back into a defensive 4-4-2. At least I won't put it past Steve Brum doing that. All that is needed is for Jota to drop back deep. Against Barnsley, it's most likely him and David "so is his dad called Steve?" Cotterill falling back to form a 4-4-2. Against Forest, it's only Jota since we're talking about 3 blokes holding the fort in the middle 3rd.

So how do I see Steve Brum's... well, Brum? No matter which formation we'll see on the screen, chances are that a defensive 4-4-2 will be on the cards. Our Welsh Monk needs to take a good hard look at Steve Brum's starting firing squad. That should give him a decent idea of how the defensive 4-4-2 will do a break-and-counter. Or just about any kind of counter.

More blame on Moreno?

3 goals leaked, blame Alberto "how many more?" Moreno? I still remember his debut against Southampton. That was years ago, we're not even promoted yet. Brendan "not Fraser" Rodgers may have redeemed himself in a nation not exactly known for football, but Moreno's nightmare might well be one of the worst moments in Liverpool's proud footballing history. Back then, Mauricio "poached by Jewtown" Pochettino had just chosen the cappuccino at North London over the south coast's Earl Grey. In stepped Ronald "will he remain a McDonald or become a Reagan?" Koeman. Nathaniel "not Chalobah" Clyne was the saint wielding the pitchfork, I don't have to tell you the horror show Moreno was forced to star in. It's like Jason Voorhees chasing a bunch of screaming NUS frats after they had enjoyed a fruitful afternoon. While it's hard to sympathise with those Robert Frattinsons if they really got chased around and brutally murdered by Jason, I was like "whoa, I really feel sorry for that guy (i.e. Moreno, not those Robert Frattinsons)". Ironically, St Clyne is now RoboKop Clyne.

Only upped this vid 4 teh lolz. Not every S'porean gentleman is deemed horny. Whimsical bastards do exist. Like me, for example.

If Moreno can't do a clearance to save his life, then why is he still playing as a fullback? Two things need to be done, none of them involving Moreno. At least not for now so as to speak.

1. Buy a new leftback.

2. Redeploy Moreno as a left winger.

If I want to save this amigo's career, reinventing a leaky leftback into an orthodox winger is the only way out. Coupled with the fact that he's still playing as a fullback, it means there's actually a decent chance of him being a counter-offensive style winger more comfortable with pushing up the offensive line (although whether this will automatically translate into wingback for him is open to debate). Ultimately, no one would like to see RoboKlopp whipping out his German gun.

Yes, this is what I mean by "whipping out his German gun". What do you expect otherwise? This?

Barcelona and Valencia: A Tale of Two Che

Not so long ago, talks of a revolution were rife. They said Peter "there's more than one of him" Lim must go lim his kopi. Not with the cops, but in the comfort of his own home AFTER he gave up ownership to a worthier man (or woman for that matter since we're now talking about 2017, not the 17th century). How times have changed, fortune and ill luck alike. His beloved daughter got married and gave him a grandchild. As if that's not enough, he actually got the right guy for the Valencia job. Surprise! While it's still early to see whether Marcelino the Amigo can replicate the class of Unai "so do they serve unagi kabayaki over there in Paris?" Emery (yes, he did manage Los Che before), any local can't help but feel that picking a fight with the Singaporean Kim Kardashian is sooooo... well, yesterday. Marcelino didn't have exactly the best headstart career-wise. I think he got sacked left, right, and centre before Villareal decided to risk sinking its submarino amarillo. As it turned out, the submarino never ate a torpedo. Hence, was it any wonder that Mr Lim has to "beg" Marcelino to be his... well, new Che? Right now, the Los Che faithful have to be careful. On one hand, it feels good to see a change in fortune. Just ask any Boro faithful on how they felt when they went up. On the other hand, however, Valencia is no Middlesbrough. There will always be some manner of expectation, one way or another. If this goes wrong again, I don't want to imagine whether Singaporeans will be strongly discouraged from touring Valencia due to tempers flaring and riots happening. The greatest challenge Marcelino has to face as Peter's new amigo is this: How is he going to navigate the so-called first season syndrome? Lest we forget, Valencia was hitting the hot streak. Yet, after the first season had given so many faithful the courage to believe again, their beloved team began to look more like a puta than a dignified Señorita.

As for Barcelona, Ivan "the Great" Rakitić currently has some... well, reservations about his amigo. Now let me just conclude this post with my analysis on whether Lionel"El Pequeño Leon" Messi should leave. After all, I'm not in the holy business of predicting things.

Let me just get this clear, once and for all:

Messi, you better not leave the team which has become your second family. Think about what you can do as a player. Others may think you can make it big in other teams. Big teams. Teams equally big. While I'm sure no one will slaughter a pig in your honour (or at least I hope not), I know what kind of player you are. I'm not going to judge you for dodging taxes and things like that. I'm only a half-baked ITE graduate who refuses to bend the knee before the Singaporean brand of intellectual success.

Seeing you reminds me a bit of myself. Before Barcelona took you in, you're a reject. I know how it feels. I was rejected by my own country's educational system in the same way you were waiting for a chance to shine despite the odds. I know there is a reason why your country places so much hope on you. I know that such expectations are absurd in every sense of the word. Because of this, many a coach has suffered undue pressure. Because of this, I know Jorge Sampaoli is now undergoing massive stress.

You are a player who thrives in a system you're familiar with. This is the reason why you can mesmerise so many fans all over the world. This is the reason why you're compared with Diego Maradona (minus the Falklands War and the Hand of Man). Yet, this is also the reason that your own people turn on you. It is totally unfair to you, for you are a genius. And since you are a genius, people will elevate you to the position of God. Utterly unreasonable and totally laughable, I say! Sir Isaac Newton was a genius, but he was never God Himself.

I know your weakness and your strength. They are both the same: Your ability to thrive and flourish in a system where you would always be at the centre stage. Pep was the one making it possible, you have never looked back since. Your weakness is your strength and vice versa, 'tis the reason why you're indeed a genius. Therefore, please don't forsake the team which has become your second family. You will live to regret it if you make the wrong call. Your legacy will be tainted in a manner worse than that of Luís Figo. See out your career at where you first started off and have continued doing so till now.

Best wishes from El Bastardo de Singapur here.

Battle of the Caesars Day I: Scipio's Report

Every fan of football (or soccer if you're a Yank) please skip this nonsense intro

Beliebers in Singapore must be mourning at this point of time. I don't have to spell it out that a blockbuster act has just decided to... well, I won't say rage quit. But still...

Fear not, however, my fellow S'poreans. Even though I'm no Belieber, it's my duty to showcase what the world (may) have been missing all the while!

Disclaimer!

Despite the misleading nature of the post title, I don't profess myself to be some sort of military genius. No, there's no reason for Cristiano "#CR7" Ronaldo to call me friend unlike a fellow Singaporean. Yes, I'm short in stature like Alexander the Great. Maybe around 3 cm taller than Emilia "it makes romance IMPOSSIBRU!!!! since 2014" Clarke. That doesn't make me a Greek in the first place. Yes, I'm no Roman in the same way Scipio was most likely black. That doesn't make me Rome's BFF. Definitely, I'm not Rome's worst nightmare.

Interestingly enough, my dad mentioned that I'm actually a descendant of Guo Ziyi.




FC Bayern München-3

First things first, I didn't watch the match. Rather, this post will be done based on whatever little I understood based on the teamsheet. Secondly, it doesn't give me a reason to hold back. If I'm good enough, it means a recommendation letter may end up making its way from London to a small town named Middlesbrough. Otherwise, I've got nothing to lose anyway.

Let's talk about the winner first. As a typical Roman pragmatist, one can't blame Carlo "Signore Milan" Ancelotti for preferring an orthodox 9 approach unlike Pep "not Monk's BFF" Guardiola's unorthodox false 9 strategy (something which enabled Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw to achieve national success during 2014). However, a sign may already be put in place when it comes to a tactical shift. Signore Milan's footballing philosophy mirrors his gentleman image perfectly well. Like how a gentleman handles diplomacy, Signore Milan's strategy hinges heavily on controlling the ebb and flow of the game. As a Roman, any team under him would have to understand discipline and knowing when to step on the accelerator.

The most notable example of the latter rule would be Kingsley "Coman the (Black) Barbarian" Coman. When he got the contract he wanted, I'm pretty sure he breathed a sigh of relief. Prior to his D-Day victory, the poor lad was sweating over his future. On one hand, he was no longer that blue eyed (black) boy under Pep's swashbuckling Catalan style. On the other hand, one couldn't fault the lad for feeling confident after his national exploits secured victory for Emmanuel "can he macro-manage France to greatness?" Macron. Okay, that last statement was a joke. More specifically, his presence out wide enabled Didier "Monsieur Bleu" Deschamps to up Les Bleus' game without the aid of Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba. After all, I did mention something concerning Les Bleus playing two up front. The only problem? Signore means Signore, not Senyor or Monsieur. Fast forward to now and what is it that we're seeing? Previously, Douglas "neither Diego nor a Rui" Costa was the preferred choice out wide. Now, it's Coman's turn to enjoy his Oktoberfest.

Not this type of Oktoberfest.
If I've offended anyone who has unliked SG Wine Cellar on FB, I apologise.

To understand how Coman can become Conan's barbarian bro next season, one has to look at Signore Bavaria's first substitution. Two half-time changes were made. The first was of no significant value since it's one keeper for another. The second one might be quite intriguing to the likes of Jamie "my dad never made Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson famous" Carragher, Gary "not to be confused with Phil" Neville, and Alan "Barcelona already got Figo" Shearer. Not so to me. By taking down a proven centre forward in the form of Robert "Big Lews" Lewandowski, Coman's presence effectively moved Thomas "Der Ninja" Müller into the false 9 territory. Sounds familiar? Well, it should. Remember what I said on Pep and Löw using the false 9 system?

The role of the false 9 is all about controlling the game via a top down manner. Instead of playing the ball forward from the midfield or even via the back, this system ensures the ball can be retained anywhere from the firing line to the middle 3rd. Conversely speaking, such an approach can easily free up at least 3 players to go forward. Hence, it's only natural to imagine Coman benefitting the most. Ultimately, this tactical switch can easily move either James "El Reemplazable" Rodríguez or Franck "Le Cicatrice" Ribéry into the hole 9. In other words, it's called thinking out of the box, something which we S'poreans aren't exactly known for. Knowing Signore Bavaria's style, I won't put it past him using Ribéry as a no.10 instead of a 7. If you're still in awe of Ribéry's ability to pass the ball while being marked by 2-3 men, I can assure you that I've seen it back during the World Cup 11 years ago. Ironically, that was during Germany 2006.

However, it was the introduction of Miloš "not to be confused with another Milo" Pantović which highlighted Signore's uncharacteristic bravery. In one single move, he resembled more of an impetuous Teutonic commander rather than a calculated Roman tactician. Case in point: Can you imagine Ribéry and Rodríguez being part of a middle 3? That's how insane Signore can be. Of course, as we all know by now, there's always a fine line separating a madman from a genius. That's why we Singaporeans need more effort to understand crazy people. Lest you don't know, Pantović plays as a striker. If I remember correctly, the nearest thing to this tactical insanity was deploying Ángel "El Arcángel" Di María in the same manner. Don't laugh, Signore really did that prior to El Dinero saying "you're fired" in both Spanish and Italian (I forgot who were the other two in the middle 3 though).

Chelsea F.C-2

At the other end of Saxonland, we have Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte. Not so long ago, he's having trouble with Diego "El Bestia" Costa. If you think Costa was a beast on the pitch throughout the season, you're not wrong. If you suspect Costa has always been a beast off the pitch... well, perhaps you're not entirely wrong. The comedy surrounding the timing of Conte signing a two-year extension couldn't be any more evident. Why I said that is very simple: Shortly after this, Álvaro "もらった!" Morata signed on the dotted line. If there's anything more surreal than this, it'd be Costa accosting Zhang "don't call her Xinyu or Viann" Bichen.

Recently, another bloke in blue got himself into the messy world of transfer rumours. This is now that moment of the year where people purchased the Sun not just for the sake of... well, breasts. Ladies and lads, I present to you...

Will he or won't he? Will Nemanja "not Vidić" Matić follow the footsteps of another Nemanja? Or will he stay like a loyal centurion? More than talking about transfers and how long will the actual Khaleesi stay single, I enjoy talking about tactics. More specifically this amigo below.

Assisting has to be the most thankless task in the offensive category. More oft than not, you won't score goals. And even if you do, the hero will always be Costa. In the event where Old Trafford will see its new Nemanja Vidić, who should take over from him? Will it be a purchased replacement like for like? Or will N'Golo "Le Kanté Noir" Kanté have to entrench himself further behind? One interesting view from the latest defeat is this. Kanté's defensive tenacity was the reason why Leicester could play a direct four by four without being too defensive. At the same time, he was also the reason why David "he plays the ball like a harpist" Luiz could excel last season despite people calling Il Bestia a barking mad beast for signing him. There was no Luiz in sight for the starting lineup. Andreas "think he never played before GTA: San Andreas" Christensen may have been intended as somewhat a like-for-like alternative. Would it have mattered at all if Luiz started instead? Apparently, the answer is no.

The central midfield polarity in that match has to be the kind of mistake Il Bestia can ill-afford to make once the real season kicks off (in fact, those midfield goons can easily kill Chelsea come 6th Aug in this way if I say so myself). The screw up happening here actually exposed Chelsea's central midfield unnecessarily. Without Kanté's imposing presence in front of the back 3, seeing Cesc "El Fabuloso" Fàbregas playing in deep lying position was nothing short of an invitation to attack. It's a no-brainer. Yes, I acknowledge Il Bestia's intention to prevent the Bavarians from playing the ball at their own pace and leisure. The problem is, this approach won't work if you have six Teutons flooding the middle 3rd in the form of a four by two backline. A player of Der Ninja's calibre would surely relish such a scenario like a shark smelling blood. A 3-4-2-1 approach means Michy "will he be Belgium's Batman?" Batshuayi has to track back more often than not. His pace and athleticism are well suited for this role, but it's only provided that Chelsea can muster an effective counterattacking game. With Kanté doing a Casemiro, there's no chance Fàbregas could have pulled off a perfect counteroffensive ball passing machine like Toni "Der Eiserne Mann" Kroos and Luka "the Force is still strong in him" Modrić.

The whole midfield strongman going forward approach did work for Los Blancos during their Champions League final victory over Juventus. But that's because Le Professeur X played a back 4. What this means is that for Casemiro to play the big occasion hero, there must be sufficient defensive cover to facilitate a "passing the ball from the back" approach. Juventus couldn't find a way to stabilise and attack, the Romans from Turin got done for (ironically, this approach was the reason why Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri was able to one-up Le Professeur X for the first 45 mins). That's why Los Blancos could turn the tables come the second half. Yes, CR7 wrote a new chapter in his footballing career. But it was the tactical brilliance of Le Professeur X which won the match.

Back to Chelsea. Should the central midfield polarity be reversed, would it be better? The key thing lies in winning the ball and securing possession. As the master tactician of a back 3 system, it's up to Il Bestia to decide how not to expose a hole the size of a giant Serb. Should Il Bestia decide to pull back the wingbacks nearer to the back 3, the momentum of the match might have swung to his favour. Yes, the opponent would still have the ball. Yes, there's still Der Ninja to deal with. But at least there's a better chance of winning the ball from the back. Personally, I don't see a problem with this current central midfield pairing, just that there's a need to control possession from the back 3 to the centre forward. As such, a 3-4-3 would have suited Il Bestia better. Which now comes to this amigo below.

Quite obviously I'm not referring to Ned. Rather, it's Álvaro "もらった! " Morata. Yes, he may not have Batshuayi's pace and athleticism. Quite obviously, he's never one to force his way in like Costa. However, he holds up the ball quite well. Like Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente, Morata is... well, another El Trasero. If you can hold up play with your arse facing the opponent's goal, it means you should be good enough to hold up play with your arse facing your own midfield. That's why Il Bestia signed him in the first place. Otherwise, why would you think Chelsea is insane enough to splash the cash on someone cursed with abysmal stats? It doesn't matter whether the likes of Eden "the Duke of Hazzard" Hazard and Pedro can hold down play in the final third. In fact, creating a stranglehold from the back 3 to the centre forward is more important with the wingbacks reinforcing the defence when needed. So long the ball is firmly in control within Chelsea's own half, the opponents will be forced to pour their numbers forward. Period.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily mean El Fabuloso in front and Le Kanté Noir behind. Yes, the latter is a must. In the wonderful world of strategy and tactics, who are we to judge Il Bestia if he can win a treble (or even a quadruple) next season by plastering both to the back 3 side by side?

And lastly...

I'll be rounding up this post with whatever little I've seen in the last 4 mins (minus stoppage time) between the cockfighting roosters from England and the wolves from Rome. I'm not going to speculate who will be the next big target of Jewtown poaching since Mauricio "will he be sipping a cup of cappuccino by end of season?" Pochettino. Definitely, it won't be me.

Firstly, Roma. What I saw was a team which played like someone out to ask a killing from Luciano "Il Alfa" Spalletti. Thing is, Il Alfa is no longer the Gaius Julius Caesar there. Instead, they got themselves a Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus (yes, I know that's a cumbersome name for an emperor most well known for legalising Christianity). Eusebio "Il Eusébio" Di Francesco, that's the name of Roma's Constantine the Great. The last gasp winner was a sudden break and counter move from the way I see it. Granted any person's energy level will drop more than a tad bit after running non-stop for 86 mins, but I noticed one interesting trend within a short span of 4 mins sans stoppage time. Unlike the aggressive pack of wolves running across the plain under Il Alfa, the current pack of hunters under Il Eusébio played more like predatory canines lying in wait in the forest. More specifically, the wolve from Romes were controlling the game via the flank. If that was indeed Il Eusébio's strategy, then it may mean plenty of break and counter action from the central area. I won't be surprised if Roma will be a surprise candidate for the Scudetto next season. Il Alfa, be glad that the pack you left behind is now in good hands.

Next, Tottenham. Il Bestia recently questioned the sanity behind Daniel "the Jewish Levy" Levy's "no more money" logic. If you are in Pochettino's shoes, how would you react? Will you stay your hand? Or will you flare up like an Argentine nationalist whenever someone mentioned the Falklands War? More than tempers flared, I prefer to speak up on what I see. Namely, a consistent pattern of slowing down play at the back, only to play a long pass/cross into the opponent's half. This is deceptively Pochettino, I'll have to admit. Last season, he played a more orthodox holding mid game. One defensive anchor and the other being Mousa "not this Dembélé" Dembélé. This strategy worked wonders due to the latter's off-ball box to box running and superior ball control. Assuming Eric "he plays more like Hawkeye than the Hulk" Dier stays, all Pochettino needs to enjoy a nice meal at Tino's Pizza Cafe (at Tiong Bahru Plaza, which is near my home no less) is this: Just make sure Dembélé can pass it like Scholes instead of bending it like Beckham. Assuming Dier can't be tied down... well, it should be still the same strategy. Just don't kick it like Cantona.

Yep, it's an ancient Chinese art martial alright.

Okay, that's all for you football fans (or soccer fans if you're all about 4th July)

Click this vid only if you want to know who is that girl they call Bichen...

Bella Signora, Hermosa Señorita, and Vincent "Tan Sri" Tan (basically my take on the CL finale)

Yes, I'm back again after swearing myself off this blog until the premier league season is over and my beloved Boro relegated. Dark humour aside, it's really gutting to see Alan "Captain Geordie" Shearer snickering over this fact. Let's face it, folks. He's a Geordie. Period. Interestingly enough, a protracted negotiation happening behind the scenes may not be the end of the world. Something tells me that Gibbo has more things to think about than we'd otherwise believe.

For now, let us focus on the greatest showpiece event in European football.

Cardiff as the venue=Vincent Tan Kuku no more

I know Tan Kuku sounds like some kind of vulgarity. I also know Tan Kuku sounds a bit like the father of Tan Peipei. No. Hell no. Tan Kuku is neither a Hokkien vulgarity nor the name of some beautiful Tan. Tan Kuku means "wait long long". Ah, the vulgar beauty of Singlish. It's like someone telling Prince Harry that calling a person by the name Willy is perfectly okay since not many Singaporeans actually know the British version of... well, Willy.

Please don't click the vid unless you're mentally prepared for NFSW content. It's already bad enough to imagine my future girlfriend being a Hokkien as well instead of being a Cantonese...

Enough of the nonsense, let's talk some serious stuff here. Namely...

Defying history (and the accomplishment of Julius Gaius Caesar as well)

Will this season mark the start of real greatness for Real Madrid? Will the real Madrid stand up tall in this battle of middle third supremacy? If there's anything we can glean from this season of Los Blancos, it'd be bragging rights going to the much-hated twin of Los Rojiblancos. Diego "El Lobo" Simeone is a wonderful tactician and an exceptional man-motivator, let me be this frank. However, it seems that parking the bus is no longer in the vogue. At least not for Los Rojiblancos. El Dinero may have gotten himself the real deal for Real Madrid. Namely, a French genius who has a score to settle with the Romans.

A lot will hinge on Cristiano "Man of Steel" Ronaldo. In the world of modern football, Ronaldo's ability to affect the match via a larger than life charisma alone is second only to Zlatan "I send entire nations into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović. When it comes to the perfect tandem of physical excellence and tactical awareness, I can only identify Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba as the other specimen of footballing perfection. A real monster of a player who is no different than a Tesla girl having the brains of a Tesla guy. It is like what an ex of his said about him here.

Let me be this frank, Ronaldo represents the difference separating Los Blancos and La Signora Omicidi. Yes, Zizou does have Gareth "#GB11" Bale in case there's a need for a smash-and-grab bailout. But let's be honest here.

1. Bale is reportedly not at 100% fighting fit status.

2. Bale is fast and a grafter, he's Batman of the team. In terms of footballing instinct and sheer power, there can only be one Man of Steel. A little wonder why Ronaldo should also be known as O Animal.

The fairy tale of Turin

When we talk about Turin, two things come to mind: Juventus and the Shroud of Turin. When we talking about the word park, a few things come to mind: Park "not Samsung" Ji-sung, Park "why always Park?" Shin-hye, and Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte parking 5 Roman sons of a gun across the midfield last year.

The last part is definitely the mainstay of Juventus. More specifically, the tactical mainstay of Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri. It's been a breathtaking turnaround, a Cinderella tale in a cutthroat industry no different from the Korean way of showbiz life.

Imagine this: you're a no-hoper to your parents and even your younger sister. The girls you had a crush on saw you as some creepy stalker, a pervert even. People called you 'siao", your AS1 Steve didn't think you'd be able to score a date. Then out of nowhere, you managed to prove your mettle. People started taking note of your tactical prowess, something honed by years of steel and fire. You have that sexy Tesla girl holding a torch for you, her light green cleavage-baring top a blatant show of intent. You finally got yourself a beautiful girlfriend who is also rich and intelligent. Not mention being a local Singaporean like you as well.

Above story will be a fitting script for a Mediacorp drama. For Il Fortezza, it's actually not so drama. But it's still a roller coaster ride. Who can forget the ignominy of throwing away a 2-0 lead against Barcelona years ago? The ordinary Singaporean may not remember this, but I do (mainly because I have the memory of Sir A. Fergie). It wasn't a pretty sight for the San Siro faithful, I suspected the only Romans gloating over this massive collapse are those supporting that other Milan. And of course, it didn't help that AC Milan wasn't able to regain their swag after that defeat. In a strategic sense, the crushing walloping dished out by Team Blaugrana threatened to destroy his career for good.

Fast forward to this season and the irony couldn't be any more apparent. Not only did Il Fortezza make revenge a dish truly best served cold, the fortunes of Barcelona is now more of a roller coaster than what we're seeing in Juventus right now. This is definitely something which would make Glenn "smartest man in the room" Hoddle look like a prophet if his karma comment was directed at somewhere else.

Make no mistakes about it. This is not just a tactical match between Le Zizou and Il Fortezza. It is also a battle between a master tactician and a monster of a player. More than Le Zizou battling the Roman fire, Il Fortezza will be bearing the brunt of the Iberian onslaught.

Where the match shall be won

I need to sleep soon. One problem my parents always have with me is a case of adrenaline rush no different from that of a Roman genius who managed to make a jilted beauty feel loved again. I'd like to say more, but... well, you get the drift.

The battle will be won and lost in two areas. Los Blancos will most likely want to seize the initiative in the central midfield, after which play will be distributed to the flanks. Across the back, there will be a need to be aggressive in winning the ball. More than the midfield, the backline will have to be quick. Juventus is now a team second to none in terms of off-the-ball organisation. In fact, Le Zizou will need his team to play the ball forward like a Roman genius at times (read: playing the ball forward from the back in an inverted horseshoe crab manner).

As for La Signora Omicidi, the midfield will be that make-or-break zone. The onus on Il Fortezza is deciding how far the midfield must push. On one hand, forcing the ball from the midfield to the backline will be the key to victory or defeat for him. On the other hand, he will need to look out for Los Blancos breaking up the pressure anywhere across the back. At the same time, the midfield must be fast enough to track back, win the ball, and strangle the midfield. The team in pure white can afford to boss the ball via the back 4 more so long the midfield can track back to collect the ball. But for that team in black and white, they can't afford to do the same thing because Los Blancos is a team much vaunted for its ability to control the match via a four by two (numerically speaking, no racial derision intended) and aggressive pace down the flank.

My daring prediction?

I know the story of Il Fortezza will resonate with a lot of people. In fact, it also resonates with my own life story as well, sexy local Tesla girl or no sexy local Tesla girl. From a tactical view, however, I Bianconeri has proven itself a tougher nut to crack than Los Rojiblancos in the same way Il Fortezza is now up there with El Lobo in terms of motivation and organisation. Against Barcelona, the defence held firm. Against Monaco, the Roman fortress of Turin remained unbreached. As for Los Blancos, I can't help but feel more than just a wee bit of fragility somewhere. Against Bayern Munich at home, El Dinero earned his big money bragging rights for a good reason: 4 goals scored. On the first glance, it looked pretty. That is until we saw that other team of continental millionaires scoring 2 goals in reply. If it's in that Teutonic arena known as Die Allianz Arena, then it'd be a cause for alarm for the Teutons. Problem was, the goals were leaked at La Santiago Bernabéu. I don't care what the score was in the first leg. If it's 2 goals leaked at home, it shouldn't be looked down at. Against Los Rojiblancos, the only reason why El Lobo lost to that Frankish Saladin was due to a disastrous first leg. Strategically, one could even say Los Rojiblancos were dealt a cruel hand. Imagine what would have happened if the first leg was at La San Mamés instead of La Santiago Bernabéu.

Trust me, Il Fortezza will be reading this post. Erm.. I mean reading the opponent's past matches. Most notably what went wrong for the Frankish Saladin against the Teutons and Los Rojiblancos.

Last minute edit: Nearly forgot to add this. Might as well add some hilarity after the Shrey Bhargava incident and what my friend's (rumoured) SIA colleague said.

If Juventus really manages to clear the final hurdle, the schadenfreude in me will want to dedicate the win to the newly wed couple of Yu Xian and Lee Min. 😂😈😼

Will we make that Potter look stupid?

Well, guess what? Alan "Captain Britain" Shearer must be laughing like a looney waiting to be sent to the asylum. Prior to this season, he predicted we'll get relegated. Fast forward to 2017 and we're really guilty of making him look like a prophet. Never mind the fact that Gareth "Gawain or Beaumains?" Southgate got the England job ahead of him (let alone the chances of him actually being smarter than his more illustrious compatriot). The fact is, we will need someone smarter than Harry Potter to save us from the drop. Last time round, we got Terry "E.T" Venables bailing out Bryan "was Captain Britain before Shearer" Robson. This time round... well, I guess Señor will be better off relying on Harry Potter.

Of course, we all know Harry Potter is fictional. But what if crazy things are capable of happening in the world of football? If Emma "not a Stone, but still a talented Emma" Watson was guilty of shocking feminists all over the world by giving men an additional excuse to indulge in sexual fantasies, what makes us think we can't pull off a Bonny and Clyde against a team synonymous with Harry Potter?

Note: Because I'm may be planning to up my Boro-related posts on the Middlesbrough F.C Till We Die Facebook page where I'm the only Asian alive there, it means I'll have to put all things Boro on top of the list first.

Add note: To those in that Facebook page, you only need to read the first part unless you got nothing better to do.

More add note: Gonna tag my cousin Mark. Blame Hughes, don't blame me.

Boro, Potters, and the wish to gte our very own Harry

We are in trouble. The goals are not coming and we're losing the plot 1-0 at a time. Only a fool will expect a Harry to bail us out. Yet, the romantic in us will always play the rebel. Doesn't matter if it's Harry Houdini, Harry Potter, or the real life Harry Lee Kuan Yew who have sadly passed away years ago.

Against the Potters, what must we do to ensure a win? As improbable and crazy this may sound, it's still possible. After all, no one expected Hermione Granger to pose topless last time round.

If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VIP, what will be your answer? If it's Joe "not his fault to be called a Xavi Joe" Allen, you're right. If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VVIP, what will be your answer?

If you don't know the answer to my second question, it's fine. I don't expect people to think like me since we're all born to be unique as human beings.

Firstly, let's assume the people at Sky are not misleading me with the formation. The reason why being that during match days, the formation sheet they put is no different from a magic trick done by David "not the son of Jesse" Blaine. To make things even more insane, it's always about Boro's matches.

The first list was Stoke versus Watford. Why I chose Watford is because we're quite similar to the Hornets when it comes ball retention (read: minus the passing). As for Crystal Palace, it is because our defensive organisation reads quite a bit like parking Fat Sam in front of the goal (okay, I know that's very evil of me to use the Fat Sam derby logic as an inspiration).

Two players stood out for me. Apart from Xavi Joe ofc.

The first one is Charlie "not a Chaplin" Adam. The other one? The guy who got to know Xavi Joe's fellow Welsh in the most ironic fashion.

Whether the Gooners like it or not, Shawcross has matured as a player since that horror tackle. In order to make Mark "not my cousin Mark" Hughes' formation work, Shawcross' industry and organisation is integral. In fact, his presence in the heart of all things defending is the reason why Hughes' midfield is purring like happy cat right now.

As for Adam, his presence means one thing. The ability to pass the ball forward. It may sound banal, but trust me when I say it gives Allen the license to roam forward. This approach would ensure Stoke maintaining its defensive shape after the ball has been played into the opponent's half. At the same time, this tandem of 2A (wait, why am I making it sound as if they're some K-pop idol boy band?) will ensure Stoke being able to stretch the play from their own defensive 3rd to our defensive 3rd.

In other words, playing it deep like what we always do is never an option against Stoke. Especially given that we'll be playing at their home ground. We won't have enough firepower to bother Shawcross and we may not even last 45 mins without conceding. The quality of Xavi Joe and Marko "the real Arnie on the right" Arnautović means we can't camp inside our 20 yard greenhouse hoping for a set piece smash and grab. They'll just make us pay for our cowardice. And that's not considering Saido "last name sounds Brazilian" Berahino as part of Hughes' plans as well.

Things we must do:
Firstly, we need to come out fighting. If we can't do a thing about their attacking four, we take the fight to them via the space between their backline and firing squad. We have to first assume Hughes will be stretching play from one end of the pitch to the other. We can't assume other possibilities because... well, there's no point thinking so much.

Assuming we're able to do that, it means Hughes will be forced to make a decision. Will he play the backline higher in order to close us down or will he want the firing squad to fall back?

The first option will ensure Stoke being able to maintain the pressure. However, it will also give our backline some much-needed breathing space since we're now so well-known for doing siege tactics right from the whistle (that is so long our midfield don't mess this up). The second option is all about a counter-offensive approach where Hughes will have to make every foray count. Which will basically give Señor more reasons to do a Fat Sam in front of goal.

On the first glance, we're in trouble. However, I don't see a reason why we can't win this one even though it's their own turf. If there should be a lesson learnt from the Palace defeat, it'd be the midfield. Big Uncle Sam played a 4-1-4-1. This should have been a warning sign that he's out to seize the initiative instead of sitting back like always. In the first half, we're totally gimped in the middle 3rd. If we do this again this weekend, we deserved to be killed 3-0 or even 4-0.

Key to our survival would be the midfield. Not just the middle 3, mind you. But the five amigos, whoever they will be. We need the holding mids, the wide attacking mids, and central attacking mid. We can't have a weak link anywhere in the middle more than anywhere else. Unlike Palace, Stoke is not a guaranteed prawn sandwich (read: if compacting the defence, midfield, and attack doesn't sound like making a sandwich, I don't know what else is).

Okay, time to wind down and cool down...

Let's talk about the greatest shock happening so far in the past few weeks. Even more than a topless shot featuring Hermione Granger, Luis "he actually did a Figo like Figo himself" Enrique announced "I quit" by end of this season. The Los Che faithful could be forgiven for having that déjà vu feeling if I say so myself. After all, Unai "not some Spanish unagi" Emery did pretty much the same thing in his final season at the Mestalla (unfortunately for Peter "from El Santo to El Diablo" Lim, I think Monsieur Emery is currently enjoying his life of dual-citizenship atm).

Let's cut short the chase. So who are the forerunners and who is my ideal pick if I can have a say myself?

If there's any amigo whom Señor would love to have as his BFF on Facebook, it'd be Ernesto "El Zeus" Valverde. Both have deep ties with Athletic Bilbao, both are quite obviously Spanish, and... well, I guess Señor must have been a great admirer of his fellow Los Leones in a tactical sense. A great man of defensive organisation, a great organiser of fantastic football as well. Like Enrique, he made his name by starting from the bottom of the food chain (well, not literally, but you get me). Like Enrique, he has a positive history with Barca unlike Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

As someone who started off as a talented small fry like Enrique, I won't be surprised if part of Valverde's mentality does mirror that of Enrique. However, I'm not sure if he can fix Barca's defensive woes. Remember, folks. Before Enrique became famous at Barca, he had to prove himself via a lowly team named Celta Vigo. No offence intended to Los Célticos, but they don't have La Masia and dinero aplenty.

I'm a very terrible person, yes I know that. If the above 3 panel strip looks like someone praying for money, only to strike lottery, that's because I've got a warped sense of humour no thanks to the system of idiocracy that goes something like this. Outspoken and outright charismatic, it's no surprise that Jorge "pretty sure his agent isn't Jorge Mendes" Sampaoli managed to vanquish whatever possible trauma resulting from Emery's departure where Sevilla is concerned. Whether he gets the nod depends on how well the people upstairs are willing to deal with a maverick in every sense of the word. Remember, folks. This Jorge is no Valdano or Mendes. He's Sampaoli and he does things his way. Either that or his highway. When we look at individuals like Sir A.Fergie, Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the late Steve Jobs, they proved one thing to every keen-eyed observer. And that is charisma is always divisive, that charisma has the potential to polarise views and divide opinions. Sampaoli's charisma can go a long way in galvanising the dressing room due to the absurdly high expectations piled upon a team like Barcelona. But the risk of this very same charisma sparking the ire of the boardroom is also very real. After all, having charisma means you have a strong character in real life.

Because I need to get to the most important part of my post asap, I have to cut this short. The last man on the list is a Johnny Foreigner from France. When we talk about Le Président, two things come to mind: François "he's being filled like a stuffed turkey atm" Fillon and white rights hysteria sparked by Marine "my pen is mightier than your sword!" Le Pen. And that's not to mention the third thing, namely François "why always François?!?" Hollande stepping down with nary a bite.

Then we have the third Le Président. Namely Laurent "hope Le Pen won't politicise his last name" Blanc. Currently living off his savings and searching for a job good enough for him, I find Le Président to be an interesting outsider here. His footballing philosophy won't fit Barca's aggressive tiki-taka. Yet, his style does mirror tiki-taka in the ball retention sense. Which means you won't see any team under Monsieur Blanc passing the ball sideways and backwards like what we're now doing in the northeast of England (interestingly enough, I actually made a joke tweet about this Monsieur taking over from Señor if things really go terribly wrong for us). If Monsieur Blanc is to be the next El Jefe, it means his immediate task is to ease the older players into retirement by finding a way to let them go out with all guns blazing. While at the same time blooding youngsters (and hopefully the next Xavi and Messi).

My verdict:

Most of the time, I enjoy going against the popular vote. I enjoy adopting the counter-intuitive approach just to make myself feel better. However, I have to say Valverde gets my nod. Firstly, Barca has a tradition of playing it safe when it comes to choosing the next top chief commander. They will never opt for any Tom, Dick, or Harry for the post. Even if it's Harry Potter, they won't consider him unless someone can prove to them Godric Gryffindor was related to the club.

Sampaoli is a good pick when it comes to philosophy and charisma, but what he also represents is unfamiliar territory due to what I said above. I doubt the boardroom will be so daring to throw the die so as to speak. And this is not considering whether his charisma will create problems for the boardroom even if every member of the dressing room votes for him.

As for Blanc, his philosophy won't sit well with the boardroom. However, his man-management skill is something which Barca needs urgently if what Guillem "not #GB11" Balague implied is really true.

["...There is a lack of synergy with all the players. The message is not getting through to them and Enrique has decided to depart before having to recycle the side or making some big decisions, which he doesn't want to do."]

After all, he did fix the national mess left behind by Raymond "it's written in the stars!" Domenech. Alas for the fact that football is still results-oriented.

It couldn't have come sooner...

Indeed the grand finale could have never come sooner. France versus Germany, Les Bleus versus Die Nationalelf, the Frankish lords against the Teutonic kings. One is touted as the favourite, the other as the second favourite (which is first and second respectively is strictly a matter of opinions until the fat lady sings).

So what are the few things which we can/should/will expect?

If Les Bleus' penchant for self-expression is seen as a certain parallel to Corellon Larethian (after all, arts and craft are but only part of his portfolio), then the pragmatism embodied by Die Nationalelf is basically the parallel to the realism surrounding death (after all, we all know what Kelemvor stands for). Like the previous semi-final, this is a match between idealism and realism. Quite a bit like my characters' concept for the Neverwinter Six, this is a clash of personalities between the idealistic Cyrea Durothil (who happens to worship Corellon) and the realistic Arylos (who happens to be a Chosen of Kelemvor). Indeed the grand finale could have never come sooner.

Die Müller Rätsel

Otherwise known as the Müller conundrum (taken straight from Google translate no less), a lot has been said about him being a World Cup kerl instead of an Euro kerl. Fact or fiction? Let us consider the difference between one Müller and the other.

There's a very good reason why Thomas "the super mallet" Müller was scoring for fun 2 yrs ago. As the above 2 panel meme strip suggests blatantly, Pep was the reason. As if creating a false 9-centric system at his homeland of Catalunya wasn't enough, he decided to do the same with Bayern München. In the same way he redefined Messi the attacking mid, he also redefined Müller the attacking mid.

In other words, Müller is most likely the kind of kerl who truly thrives in the false 9 role. Ofc it doesn't really explain why he played so well on the right against Argentina in the grand finale 2 yrs ago. Barring the footballing equivalent of the Titanic (i.e. where Kate "hey, she's English!" Winslet survived and Leonardo "DiCapricious when it comes to super hot models" DiCaprio died much to the anguish of every idealistic local S'porean romantic), what this most likely means is this: European teams seem to have a higher tendency to close shop width to width unlike their Latin American amigos.

Assuming my conclusion was right after all... (barring the debate about myself)

What this means is that playing Müller on the right against shouldn't be a problem against the Franks. After all, I've seen the starting XI and it seems that Monsieur Bleu is out to control the width in order to stage a frontal assault on his Normandy. If only we have someone better, if not at least his equal in that role. Which now comes to this kerl.

I'll admit it straight. It sucks to be Obi-Wan Kenobi if you happened to be Ewan "not an ewok" McGregor instead of the late Sir Alec Guinness. Don't believe me? I got witness one hor!

If you're wondering why I'm talking abt football when the above statement was abt which Obi-Wan Kenobi is truly GAR, that's because my subject has always been Mario "not yet super" Götze.

Seeing him in the false 9 position was a nightmare. Capable of pulling the trigger, he doesn't seem to have the kind of tenacity Müller is known for. While it's ironic to know that (not so) Super Mario himself actually first made a name for himself under the watchful eye of Jürgen "#RoboKop #RoboKlopp" Klopp. Interestingly enough, his meteoric rise within the ranks of Die Schwarzgelben may easily be down to the presence of Robert "the Lews Therin Telamon of Dortmund" Lewandowski. With Kagawa "still scoring?" Shinji playing in hole 9, (not so) Super Mario's task seemed simple enough: occupy the left (or the right depending on your preference).

In other words, he has NEVER been in the false 9 role until the German Löw decided to throw him into the lone vorhut role. I may be wrong (as in [not so] Super Mario may have tried his hand in that dept), but it's accurate to say that Löw's gamble had spectacularly backfired. Because the negativity caused by S'pore's education system N yrs ago had created a schwein in yours truly, I decided to compare the German Löw's current false 9 strategy with this image below.

The German Löw and an English high...
Football is indeed an interesting subject to dissect.

So should (not so) Super Mario start as the false 9?

Seen the starting lineup sheet. For some funny reason, the Anglo-Saxon blokes at Sky chose not to up the formation list. It's almost as if they're fearing me doing something like this.

In other words, I can only hazard a guess. While the hole 9 and right side of the attacking mid are most likely a done deal, I truly hope that the German Löw will revert to what truly worked for the country 2 yrs ago.

Note: While the German Löw had undergone plenty of friendly fire over his decision to play an unorthodox 3-4-2-1 Christmas tree, it's quite likely due to his worry that Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte would try to suffocate the holding mid area. In other words, the Romans did have more than enough fuel in the tank to cripple the Teutons this way.

Add note: Most likely this wasn't the first time the German Löw tried playing with fire like Lisbeth Salander. 2 yrs ago, Mesut "Teutonic passport, still an Ottoman Turk" Özil became that guinea pig. Try recalling who the German Löw played out on the left lol.

Enough on the Teutons...

Let's talk about the Franks. Or rather what Monsieur Bleu did right in the previous match of 16. Against Iceland, he reverted to a 2 striker system. I once said before that whether/when Monsieur Bleu decides to play an orthodox 2 up front will go a long way in defining one nation's dreams and hopes. Prior to La Conquête d'Islande, my analysis turned out to be an accurate prediction due to the tactical value defined by Kingsley "the black Cimmerian" Coman's introduction halfway through. After La Conquête d'Islande, it truly seemed that great minds think alike. It's like Guo Jia's ending sequence in Dynasty Warriors 7 XL.

Unlike the Belgians, it's not as if Monsieur Bleu had stumbled upon a magic tactical formula halfway through. It doesn't matter whether he has secretly read this blog so far. Rather, he knew what he's doing. And he still knows what he's doing. The starting XI he put out is most likely the same hand he played against Lars "not from Tekken" Lagerbäck. In other words, Antoine "the white Henry" Griezmann will most likely play as an orthodox 2nd striker in the hole.

The story of La Conquête d'Islande can surmised in one tactical statement: 4-2-3-1 in name, 4-4-1-1 in reality.

By creating a stranglehold via Dimitri "the Frankish Depay" Payet and Moussa "he's no black mousse" Sissoko, the white Henry was given the license to roam and kill like James Bond 007. At the same time (that is if reports are to be trusted), it also brought out the best (?) in Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba. As in tackled less, shot more, ran equally much.

Monsieur Bleu has hit a tactical jackpot here where he managed to extract the best out of the best box to box midfielder and auxiliary striker in the République.

Ultimately, there's nothing to fear for the Frankish brigade. While it'd be stupid to assume the Teutons will have everything to fear, I prefer to see this match as a pulsating battle between two fearless XI descended from two fearless people (okay, not so much literally. Technically, yes).

Where the battle will/may be won

The space between the attacking 4 and four by two. Les Bleus will surely want to prevent the Teutonic knights from running amok just in front of their four by two. Ironically, that's most likely what Die Nationalelf will want to do as well when it comes to the Frankish cavalry charging forward.

Style wise, it's all about control and flair versus discipline and speed. The first touch of the ball is of utmost importance. The moment any fellow in the middle 3rd screws up on this end, that's it. Either 'tis au revoir or auf wiedersehen (depending on whether you're a local S'porean who understands French or a local S'porean who is based in Hamburg).

P.S: It can be quite frustrating at times when your own father doesn't seem to understand your own struggles despite your best ability to send blatant signs. I don't deal well with noise, I don't deal well with his complaints against just about any entity which happened to annoy him. There's nothing rational about the random nature of my mental tension. In fact, he should be notified of this. It's either his son is born a genius or a mere madman. I'm going to share this post twice. Once in public view, once with those whom I can trust. Maybe my cousin Stella can try arranging a MRI scan for me since she's working in SGH. *shrugs* Until then...

Lyrics

Waiting for the grand finale...

Originally, I thought tonight will be France vs Germany. Turned out I was wrong. Come after the stroke of midnight (more specifically 3 hrs after), we'll be bracing ourselves for what is most likely a damn boring semi-final.

A Seleção das Quinas versus Y Dreigiau

Benedita Pereira [República Portuguesa]

Kimberly Nixon [Cymru]

So there we have it. A semi-final between realism and idealism. Pragmatists believe that Portuguese class will prevail, romantics will want to see the Welsh winning this with plenty of guts and glory. In a funny sense, that's exactly why opposites attract. Imagine this: the cynical me entering a BGR with an idealistic local girlfriend. That's how funny this match looks.

A lot has been said about Gareth "not Christian" Bale and Cristiano "I don't come from Brazil" Ronaldo. A lot has been said about this clash of titans, the footballing equivalent of 進撃の巨人. Thankfully, we don't have someone doing an Eren Yeager via public football analysis. That'd be absolutely disastrous.

Believe the hype, not the team

This time round, the match won't be about the team. Yes, tactics count. Quite obviously, a good strategy will go a long way to winning this. But that's where similarities to your generic 90 mins end.

5 blokes versus 4?

This will be a match of little chances if there's anything to go by so far. While Chris "the second Speed" Coleman isn't exactly known for closing shop, a 3-5-1-1 system doesn't exactly give the purists any hope of an alternate El Clásico. As for Fernando "nothing to do with F1" Santos, the less said the better. Interestingly enough, it seems that both tacticians opt to give their respective galacticos the centre stage. Bale will most likely be given that free roaming 2nd striker role just behind Hal "new boss wanted" Robson-Kanu while Ronaldo will most likely be paired up with Nani up front.

For the Welsh, the reason why they're so interesting to watch (i.e. not necessarily entertaining as O'Neill Jr had testified to us all) is down to GB11 given plenty of time off the ball. With a flat 5 behind him, he will never be running short of ammo. It's not just Joe "not Ledley" Allen in the middle or Chris "the set piece gunner" Gunter. It's also not about Aaron "got brutally tackled by Ryan just like me" Ramsey. Rather, it's 5 blokes playing for that one guy just further up. It's basically a British model which we're seeing here. A system made famous by Mr Eric Soh's fave football team, that (north London) football team currently owned by a Jew.

As for the Portuguese, I won't be surprised if Santos has always chosen to approach every match like some anti-F1 football guy. Assuming that it's true that Portugal has been guilty of playing deep instead of a high block, no one should fault CR7. You see, the logic in playing deep is this: the best player (at least on paper, that is) in the tournament is currently forced to run twice (or even thrice) the mileage up and down.

What this scenario means is very simple: CR7 won't have the luxury bossing the match in the final 3rd like what Zlatan "I now want to send entire cities and towns into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović has been tasked to do with the Norsemen from Sweden. It's about how much time you're given to express yourself, it's about how much fuel in the tank you'll need to burn.

As for Bale, I won't be surprised if he doesn't have this absurd amount of burden so far. Yes, he'll have to track back. But you don't expect a player like him to grab the 90 mins by the balls if you're out to park that Irish bus. To be fair, not even José "O Especial" Mourinho would have done that 10 tries out of 10 (read: at least Real Madrid was scoring freely like your stereotypical foreign talent under his command).

A battle of attrition?

Be prepared for a pitched battle all over the pitch. Santos will most likely want to force the Welsh dragons to run (or fly for that matter) all over the pitch without getting a sniff of the ball (no pun intended)  anywhere within the 20 yard box. The Portuguese Armada has to keep the ball and defend the ball. There's no other way out because without the ball, Santos and his anti-F1 XI will be subjected to plenty of fire and blood from the Welsh. The Brits may not have the Khaleesi with them, but at least they got a Batman on fire just like Will "on fire" Grigg (okay, the Khaleesi part is technically a lie because Emilia "Dany" Clarke is a Brit).

As for Dragon Chris, he'll need his entire starting X to be at their best. Why I say X instead of XI is very simple:

~Batman's on fire=your defence is terrified~

By this, I mean playing smart like what the Italians have been doing under Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte so far. The entire team needs to stay calm, to play the ball forward without fear.

Conclusion

If possession is to be the key to Portugal's dream of winning the footballing equivalent of a continental F1, then the first touch of the ball will be vital to a potential fairy tale ending to Wales' campaign for glory.