Apparently, I was being a lazy bastard. Too much gaming and too little (football) analysing. As a result, I can only pull this off.
The T-word
If there's anything more NSFW than the semi-graphic portrayal of the latest court drama, it'd be this. Will he or won't he? Right now, it seems that Barcelona is in desperado modo in the face of Neymar's departure. Suffice to say, plenty will be said in the next few weeks. In fact, it's quite likely that he will be a figure more reviled than Luís "not Suárez" Figo. To be brutally honest, I did have my own reservation when Barca officially signed Neymar. To me, this lad has an ego the size of Russia (which incidentally is the largest country in the world in terms of land mass). I have no questions about his class, just that I was left wondering whether he'd be willing to play second fiddle to the likes of Lionel "El Pequeño Leon" Messi and Andrés "El Gigante" Iniesta. For a few seasons, he proved me wrong. This time, I might have been proven right. A brief look at PSG's current first team crème de la crème would betray the likes of Julian "Der Dazzler" Draxler, Ángel "El Arcángel" Di María, and Edinson "El Caballero" Cavani. Thing is, none of them has Neymar's larger than life presence (let alone ego). The fact that he's given the no.10 shirt says it all.
Assuming the worst actually happened, that Philippe "O Conjurador" Coutinho actually decided to follow his fellow Brazilian's example by wiping his bare arse with his last signed contract first, what should Jürgen "Der Kop Kaiser" Klopp do? It's not as if people will laugh and say the gaffer is just another Weasel.
Assuming that someone goes and no one comes in, it means the firing three will most likely consist of Sadio "apparently, he doesn't have a mane" Mané, Roberto "Kop's next top false 9?" Firmino, and Mohamed "Chelsea sign him=salah, Liverpool sign him=tak salah" Salah. Something which has happened against Watford. Now let me just point out that Salah may well be Liverpool's signing of the season. Last season, #TeamRoboKop was sorely lacking a creative spark from the width. While the likes of Mané, Firmino, and Coutinho can play out wide, problem is that they do not have pace and trickery combined. The nearest player to this category of creative wide man would be Daniel "he dances like a partridge" Sturridge. In the event Coutinho goes, it'd be interesting to see whether Sturridge will become the black Liverbird or shot down like a dumb dancing partridge.
Above image means only one thing. More than ever, Adam "not Forshaw" Lallana can't get himself permacrock. A brief look at Liverpool's starting midfield betrayed a shocking lack of creativity in the middle 3. While Emre "Can he or Can't he?" Can look more and more like the heir apparent to Sami "Der Krieger" Khedira, questions should be asked about the inclusion of Georginio "the black Stevie G?" Wijnaldum and Jordan "unrelated to my primary school" Henderson. The former is a classic box to box holding mid while the latter can never pass it like Scholes as much as the Kop faithful would want to kill me for this insult (I know Steve Ang will anyway). Unless those Yanks can pull off a coup by signing Marco "not Castarratti" Verratti, Lallana will most likely have to assume the role of Iniesta. Interestingly, Salah's pace and trickery may pave the way for Der Kop playing a 4-2-3-1. You have Mané cutting in from the flank (like what he has always done with aplomb) and either Lallana or Firmino playing in the hole 9. Lastly but not the least, this basically means Der Klopp has to throw the die on Divock "will he shock us this season?" Origi being the orthodox 9 like what Robert "Big Lews" Lewandowski did last time round before being tempted by the promise of an all year round Oktoberfest.
Before I go to sleep...
Let me just say something about my beloved Boro. What promised so much for us ended up in a defeat. I saw the result between Derby and Wolves on Livescore. Coupled with whatever little I managed to glean from the Sky live feed last Saturday, Nuno "El Spirito" Espírito Santo's greatest weapon may not be Rúben "and to think people assumed he'd say 'NEVER!' to the Chinese splashing out their Chinese cash" Neves. Rather, it might turn out to be someone possibly with the net worth less than half of 14 million quids.
This is Barry "unrelated to Michael" Douglas. Not to be confused with Michael "unrelated to Barry" Douglas.
Against a team blessed with two creative players in the form of Neves and Diogo "last name sounds Japanese" Jota, the Welsh Monk set out with a half arsed middle 3. While I can understand the need to create a shielding screen for George "BFF" Friend in the form of Marten "fights like a marten, running like the Roon" De Roon, it basically means Jonny "the howitzer" Howson was our only effective source of long passes. Despite playing with a half-arsed middle 3, we managed to keep Wolves at bay. Come the second half, we're pinned back. It wasn't a freak coincidence that the introduction of Adam "not a Lallana" Forshaw changed the game with 25 mins to go. With two long passing blokes in front of Adam "again not a Lallana" Clayton, we turned the screws on a team which might have invested more money than us (just don't ask me about Jota's net worth). Yes, it exposed a hole in front of our BFF, but every tactic and strategy have their own risk. In this sense, there's not much difference between 10% risk factor and 30% risk factor. Our defeat wasn't so much about performance, but rather a case of strategic defeat. Given that it took our Welsh Monk 65 mins to get things right, we actually acquitted ourselves well. And when I say we, I include our Welsh Monk as well.
If there's anything we can learn from last season, it wouldn't be from Aitor "where will he go next?" Karanka. Rather, it's from another amigo from the glitzy half of the Spanish capital. Namely, Zinedine "Le Professeur X" Zidane. On the first glance, his decision to play Toni "Der Stark" Kroos and Luka "Skywalker" Modrić nearer to the back 4 halfway through the Champions League finale last season was anything but tactically sane. With Casemiro cut loose from the chains binding him, pundits could be forgiven for thinking Le Professeur X had gone barking mad like Magneto. Surprise! The Romans from Turin had no answer to a barrage of chances created from the back. While it must be cautioned that we're no Galácticos, I truly doubt it will harm our Welsh Monk's Boro cause by emulating someone who looks and thinks like Charles Xavier himself. Last time I checked, Clayton was more of an orthodox box to box offensive mid before joining our Boro cause.
Every fan of football (or soccer if you're a Yank) please skip this nonsense intro
Beliebers in Singapore must be mourning at this point of time. I don't have to spell it out that a blockbuster act has just decided to... well, I won't say rage quit. But still...
Fear not, however, my fellow S'poreans. Even though I'm no Belieber, it's my duty to showcase what the world (may) have been missing all the while!
Disclaimer!
Despite the misleading nature of the post title, I don't profess myself to be some sort of military genius. No, there's no reason for Cristiano "#CR7" Ronaldo to call me friend unlike a fellow Singaporean. Yes, I'm short in stature like Alexander the Great. Maybe around 3 cm taller than Emilia "it makes romance IMPOSSIBRU!!!!since 2014" Clarke. That doesn't make me a Greek in the first place. Yes, I'm no Roman in the same way Scipio was most likely black. That doesn't make me Rome's BFF. Definitely, I'm not Rome's worst nightmare.
Interestingly enough, my dad mentioned that I'm actually a descendant of Guo Ziyi.
FC Bayern München-3
First things first, I didn't watch the match. Rather, this post will be done based on whatever little I understood based on the teamsheet. Secondly, it doesn't give me a reason to hold back. If I'm good enough, it means a recommendation letter may end up making its way from London to a small town named Middlesbrough. Otherwise, I've got nothing to lose anyway.
Let's talk about the winner first. As a typical Roman pragmatist, one can't blame Carlo "Signore Milan" Ancelotti for preferring an orthodox 9 approach unlike Pep "not Monk's BFF" Guardiola's unorthodox false 9 strategy (something which enabled Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw to achieve national success during 2014). However, a sign may already be put in place when it comes to a tactical shift. Signore Milan's footballing philosophy mirrors his gentleman image perfectly well. Like how a gentleman handles diplomacy, Signore Milan's strategy hinges heavily on controlling the ebb and flow of the game. As a Roman, any team under him would have to understand discipline and knowing when to step on the accelerator.
The most notable example of the latter rule would be Kingsley "Coman the (Black) Barbarian" Coman. When he got the contract he wanted, I'm pretty sure he breathed a sigh of relief. Prior to his D-Day victory, the poor lad was sweating over his future. On one hand, he was no longer that blue eyed (black) boy under Pep's swashbuckling Catalan style. On the other hand, one couldn't fault the lad for feeling confident after his national exploits secured victory for Emmanuel "can he macro-manage France to greatness?" Macron. Okay, that last statement was a joke. More specifically, his presence out wide enabled Didier "Monsieur Bleu" Deschamps to up Les Bleus' game without the aid of Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba. After all, I did mention something concerning Les Bleus playing two up front. The only problem? Signore means Signore, not Senyor or Monsieur. Fast forward to now and what is it that we're seeing? Previously, Douglas "neither Diego nor a Rui" Costa was the preferred choice out wide. Now, it's Coman's turn to enjoy his Oktoberfest.
To understand how Coman can become Conan's barbarian bro next season, one has to look at Signore Bavaria's first substitution. Two half-time changes were made. The first was of no significant value since it's one keeper for another. The second one might be quite intriguing to the likes of Jamie "my dad never made Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson famous" Carragher, Gary "not to be confused with Phil" Neville, and Alan "Barcelona already got Figo" Shearer. Not so to me. By taking down a proven centre forward in the form of Robert "Big Lews" Lewandowski, Coman's presence effectively moved Thomas "Der Ninja" Müller into the false 9 territory. Sounds familiar? Well, it should. Remember what I said on Pep and Löw using the false 9 system?
The role of the false 9 is all about controlling the game via a top down manner. Instead of playing the ball forward from the midfield or even via the back, this system ensures the ball can be retained anywhere from the firing line to the middle 3rd. Conversely speaking, such an approach can easily free up at least 3 players to go forward. Hence, it's only natural to imagine Coman benefitting the most. Ultimately, this tactical switch can easily move either James "El Reemplazable" Rodríguez or Franck "Le Cicatrice" Ribéry into the hole 9. In other words, it's called thinking out of the box, something which we S'poreans aren't exactly known for. Knowing Signore Bavaria's style, I won't put it past him using Ribéry as a no.10 instead of a 7. If you're still in awe of Ribéry's ability to pass the ball while being marked by 2-3 men, I can assure you that I've seen it back during the World Cup 11 years ago. Ironically, that was during Germany 2006.
However, it was the introduction of Miloš "not to be confused with another Milo" Pantović which highlighted Signore's uncharacteristic bravery. In one single move, he resembled more of an impetuous Teutonic commander rather than a calculated Roman tactician. Case in point: Can you imagine Ribéry and Rodríguez being part of a middle 3? That's how insane Signore can be. Of course, as we all know by now, there's always a fine line separating a madman from a genius. That's why we Singaporeans need more effort to understand crazy people. Lest you don't know, Pantović plays as a striker. If I remember correctly, the nearest thing to this tactical insanity was deploying Ángel "El Arcángel" Di María in the same manner. Don't laugh, Signore really did that prior to El Dinero saying "you're fired" in both Spanish and Italian (I forgot who were the other two in the middle 3 though).
Chelsea F.C-2
At the other end of Saxonland, we have Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte. Not so long ago, he's having trouble with Diego "El Bestia" Costa. If you think Costa was a beast on the pitch throughout the season, you're not wrong. If you suspect Costa has always been a beast off the pitch... well, perhaps you're not entirely wrong. The comedy surrounding the timing of Conte signing a two-year extension couldn't be any more evident. Why I said that is very simple: Shortly after this, Álvaro "もらった!" Morata signed on the dotted line. If there's anything more surreal than this, it'd be Costa accosting Zhang "don't call her Xinyu or Viann" Bichen.
Recently, another bloke in blue got himself into the messy world of transfer rumours. This is now that moment of the year where people purchased the Sun not just for the sake of... well, breasts. Ladies and lads, I present to you...
Will he or won't he? Will Nemanja "not Vidić" Matić follow the footsteps of another Nemanja? Or will he stay like a loyal centurion? More than talking about transfers and how long will the actual Khaleesi stay single, I enjoy talking about tactics. More specifically this amigo below.
Assisting has to be the most thankless task in the offensive category. More oft than not, you won't score goals. And even if you do, the hero will always be Costa. In the event where Old Trafford will see its new Nemanja Vidić, who should take over from him? Will it be a purchased replacement like for like? Or will N'Golo "Le Kanté Noir" Kanté have to entrench himself further behind? One interesting view from the latest defeat is this. Kanté's defensive tenacity was the reason why Leicester could play a direct four by four without being too defensive. At the same time, he was also the reason why David "he plays the ball like a harpist" Luiz could excel last season despite people calling Il Bestia a barking mad beast for signing him. There was no Luiz in sight for the starting lineup. Andreas "think he never played before GTA: San Andreas" Christensen may have been intended as somewhat a like-for-like alternative. Would it have mattered at all if Luiz started instead? Apparently, the answer is no.
The central midfield polarity in that match has to be the kind of mistake Il Bestia can ill-afford to make once the real season kicks off (in fact, thosemidfieldgoons can easily kill Chelsea come 6th Aug in this way if I say so myself). The screw up happening here actually exposed Chelsea's central midfield unnecessarily. Without Kanté's imposing presence in front of the back 3, seeing Cesc "El Fabuloso" Fàbregas playing in deep lying position was nothing short of an invitation to attack. It's a no-brainer. Yes, I acknowledge Il Bestia's intention to prevent the Bavarians from playing the ball at their own pace and leisure. The problem is, this approach won't work if you have six Teutons flooding the middle 3rd in the form of a four by two backline. A player of Der Ninja's calibre would surely relish such a scenario like a shark smelling blood. A 3-4-2-1 approach means Michy "will he be Belgium's Batman?" Batshuayi has to track back more often than not. His pace and athleticism are well suited for this role, but it's only provided that Chelsea can muster an effective counterattacking game. With Kanté doing a Casemiro, there's no chance Fàbregas could have pulled off a perfect counteroffensive ball passing machine like Toni "Der Eiserne Mann" Kroos and Luka "the Force is still strong in him" Modrić.
The whole midfield strongman going forward approach did work for Los Blancos during their Champions League final victory over Juventus. But that's because Le Professeur X played a back 4. What this means is that for Casemiro to play the big occasion hero, there must be sufficient defensive cover to facilitate a "passing the ball from the back" approach. Juventus couldn't find a way to stabilise and attack, the Romans from Turin got done for (ironically, this approach was the reason why Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri was able to one-up Le Professeur X for the first 45 mins). That's why Los Blancos could turn the tables come the second half. Yes, CR7 wrote a new chapter in his footballing career. But it was the tactical brilliance of Le Professeur X which won the match.
Back to Chelsea. Should the central midfield polarity be reversed, would it be better? The key thing lies in winning the ball and securing possession. As the master tactician of a back 3 system, it's up to Il Bestia to decide how not to expose a hole the size of a giant Serb. Should Il Bestia decide to pull back the wingbacks nearer to the back 3, the momentum of the match might have swung to his favour. Yes, the opponent would still have the ball. Yes, there's still Der Ninja to deal with. But at least there's a better chance of winning the ball from the back. Personally, I don't see a problem with this current central midfield pairing, just that there's a need to control possession from the back 3 to the centre forward. As such, a 3-4-3 would have suited Il Bestia better. Which now comes to this amigo below.
Quite obviously I'm not referring to Ned. Rather, it's Álvaro "もらった! " Morata. Yes, he may not have Batshuayi's pace and athleticism. Quite obviously, he's never one to force his way in like Costa. However, he holds up the ball quite well. Like Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente, Morata is... well, another El Trasero. If you can hold up play with your arse facing the opponent's goal, it means you should be good enough to hold up play with your arse facing your own midfield. That's why Il Bestia signed him in the first place. Otherwise, why would you think Chelsea is insane enough to splash the cash on someone cursed with abysmal stats? It doesn't matter whether the likes of Eden "the Duke of Hazzard" Hazard and Pedro can hold down play in the final third. In fact, creating a stranglehold from the back 3 to the centre forward is more important with the wingbacks reinforcing the defence when needed. So long the ball is firmly in control within Chelsea's own half, the opponents will be forced to pour their numbers forward. Period.
Of course, this doesn't necessarily mean El Fabuloso in front and Le Kanté Noir behind. Yes, the latter is a must. In the wonderful world of strategy and tactics, who are we to judge Il Bestia if he can win a treble (or even a quadruple) next season by plastering both to the back 3 side by side?
And lastly...
I'll be rounding up this post with whatever little I've seen in the last 4 mins (minus stoppage time) between the cockfighting roosters from England and the wolves from Rome. I'm not going to speculate who will be the next big target of Jewtown poaching since Mauricio "will he be sipping a cup of cappuccino by end of season?" Pochettino. Definitely, it won't be me.
Firstly, Roma. What I saw was a team which played like someone out to ask a killing from Luciano "Il Alfa" Spalletti. Thing is, Il Alfa is no longer the Gaius Julius Caesar there. Instead, they got themselves a Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus (yes, I know that's a cumbersome name for an emperor most well known for legalising Christianity). Eusebio "Il Eusébio" Di Francesco, that's the name of Roma's Constantine the Great. The last gasp winner was a sudden break and counter move from the way I see it. Granted any person's energy level will drop more than a tad bit after running non-stop for 86 mins, but I noticed one interesting trend within a short span of 4 mins sans stoppage time. Unlike the aggressive pack of wolves running across the plain under Il Alfa, the current pack of hunters under Il Eusébio played more like predatory canines lying in wait in the forest. More specifically, the wolve from Romes were controlling the game via the flank. If that was indeed Il Eusébio's strategy, then it may mean plenty of break and counter action from the central area. I won't be surprised if Roma will be a surprise candidate for the Scudetto next season. Il Alfa, be glad that the pack you left behind is now in good hands.
Next, Tottenham. Il Bestia recently questioned the sanity behind Daniel "the Jewish Levy" Levy's "no more money" logic. If you are in Pochettino's shoes, how would you react? Will you stay your hand? Or will you flare up like an Argentine nationalist whenever someone mentioned the Falklands War? More than tempers flared, I prefer to speak up on what I see. Namely, a consistent pattern of slowing down play at the back, only to play a long pass/cross into the opponent's half. This is deceptively Pochettino, I'll have to admit. Last season, he played a more orthodox holding mid game. One defensive anchor and the other being Mousa "not this Dembélé" Dembélé. This strategy worked wonders due to the latter's off-ball box to box running and superior ball control. Assuming Eric "he plays more like Hawkeye than the Hulk" Dier stays, all Pochettino needs to enjoy a nice meal at Tino's Pizza Cafe (at Tiong Bahru Plaza, which is near my home no less) is this: Just make sure Dembélé can pass it like Scholes instead of bending it like Beckham. Assuming Dier can't be tied down... well, it should be still the same strategy. Just don't kick it like Cantona.
Yep, it's an ancient Chinese art martial alright. Okay, that's all for you football fans (or soccer fans if you're all about 4th July) Click this vid only if you want to know who is that girl they call Bichen...
I should have done this earlier. Period. In the end, my instinct to procrastinate has come back to haunt me once more. Anyway, I guess it's still a case of better late than never. *shrugs*
Before I get started... (read: skip this part unless you want to torture yourself)
It looks like a weird piece of news. If it wasn't 100% official, I'd thought it's fake news. No, I'm not referring to which Lee is lying through the teeth (or even how many Lee Wei Lings are there in the local Singaporean healthcare sector). Rather, it's the International Champions Cup 2017. It doesn't make any sense at all. Period. You have FC Bayern München in China, you also have FC Bayern München in Singapore. If the Germans are only in Singapore for the local national team, then one can be forgiven for calling this normal. Problem is, the opposition they'll face can easily spank the Singaporean lions 10 goals to nil if they're really on song.
We have Chelsea.
And Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte
I Nerazzurri
I srsly dunno what is pelatoso. I just find the mugshot funny. Period.
And ofc the most bloody obvious...
No, it doesn't make any sense at all. Ever. This is no Batman versus Superman or even Deadpool versus Cable. There are no superpowers involved here, therefore I dare say the sight of Bavarians having to run two trips instead of one is a case of anti-logic. Signore, you're pitting your wits against two fellow Signores, not Signore Sundramoorthy. After all, it's not as if I was responsible for Kingsley "Conan'sblack bro?" Coman getting signed on a permanent basis till 2020.
Interestingly though, there's a common ground here. Namely, all three master tacticians are Italians by nationality, Romans by identity. Let's do a reality check here.
Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte is a Roman (genius).
Carlo "Signore Milan" Ancelotti is a Roman (gentleman).
Luciano "Il Lupo Alfa" Spalletti is a Roman (son of a gun).
It's been a roller-coaster ride so far for the whole of Yorkshire. Initially, Boro fans were hoping to get a positive bloke after a gross lack of Spanish balls on the pitch. No one should lack our commitment to holding the fort. But when tenacity from the middle 3rd mattered the most, we bottled it like Cardiff.
Speaks like a ruffian, sips water like a boss. That's El Lobo for ya...
When suspicions first arose about Garry "the Welsh" Monk concerning a potential jump, naysayers were quick to douse the fire. After all, why would he be so stupid to leave a club that was (and still is) looking on the up? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. The fans were behind him and he's got a BFF in the form of Pep "not that one in Manchester" Clotet. What's there to dislike about Elland Road apart from the fact that they enjoy calling us Targaryens in the same way we enjoy calling them the offspring of Jaime and Cersei Lannister(s)?
But took the jump the Welsh Monk did. Depending on how you see it, this was like Luís "never a Nani" Figo going to Real Madrid or Luis "he played football like Figo" Enrique managing Barcelona. If you're to ask me, it's really mind boggling. Ultimately, the only reason I can come up with is some sort of unknown drama going on between him and boardroom. But even then, this should only be seen as speculation. Which now comes to another question...
Why did the Welsh Monk do a Figo/Enrique?
People would be pointing at money. After all, the Welsh Monk isn't the first to be called Judas. When Nigel "the son of fire and brimstone" Pearson took the jump from Hull to Leicester, the angry City faithful called him Judas. Ditto when Roberto "not Mancini" Martínez was branded as Judas with an El as the prefix after he made the switch from Swansea to some place more famous for the pies, rugby, and Paul "he's gotta prove he ain't that walrus Paul" Jewell. In other words, the Welsh Monk won't be the last Judas just like how he wasn't the first one to start with.
Interestingly enough, Judas is actually a variation of Judah. While the former will always be synonymous with traitors and turncoats, the latter is one associated with authority and prestige. In fact, the titular protagonist of Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ written by Lew Wallace went by the first name of Judah!
Okay, I'm digressing here. Let's speculate what may have caused the Welsh Monk to make the switch. While I won't make daring assumptions, I'd like to point out a few things.
1. We have the Special One from Portugal, the (not-so) Normal One from Germany, and the Bald One from Catalonia. Then we have the Ambitious One from Wales. The thing with the Welsh Monk is this: After having a taste of personal summit reached with Swansea, only a moron would say he's strictly in for the money. By joining Boro, this could easily be interpreted as a message of intent. Not in terms of GBP and quids, but rather success on the highest possible level asap. If he felt Leeds couldn't give him that, it means he would leave. And left the club he did. Funnily enough, I'm pretty sure people won't be calling him the snake on a plane if his next destination was anywhere but Middlesbrough.
2. The Ambitious One has plenty to prove and a tad too little to show. The reason why being that his final season with Swansea was a disaster. As for Leeds, promotion via the playoff would have been a possibility, perhaps even a reality, if the team never bottled it like Arsenal. In fact, this would most likely be a key motivation for the Welsh Monk to prove a point. He may not have said it out, but the cold hard truth can't fool me. Let alone himself.
3. Accusations of money being the driving force would only be complicated by the fact that there's an Elland Sean joining him. No, I'm not bs'ing like what the Sun did during the Hillsborough disaster. I'm no journalist, but I'm telling the truth here.
4. I won't be surprised if the Ambitious One is also a charismatic one. From Swansea to Leeds, from one end of Yorkshire to the other side. It seems that said charisma actually showed in his backroom staff. Hence, me using backroom clergy to describe them.
Out, out, and out (plus an out and out winger)
Out goes Viktor "will he make Mainz his kingdom?" Fischer. This is a Danish prince who promised to be a king. Alas, he was deemed nothing more than Hrunting used against Grendel's mam.
Out will definitely go Gastón "hope he will revive El Bestia Bello in him" Ramírez. The less said about Leicester and whatever Shakespearean news of dressing room skullduggery, the better. Last time I checked, he was more of a Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and less of a Ramírez from the Highlander. At worst, he's more of a Gaston from Berserk and nothing like Guts himself.
Interestingly enough, one name was never on the chopping block despite a dire need to have Chris "he made Walcott looked like Waffles the Cat" Waddle giving him tuition 24/7.
I'll be brutally frank here. Firstly, he lacks the finesse of Coman the Barbarian when it comes to the final ball. Interestingly enough, his pass success rate reads like 70.3%. Doesn't look like the kind of brainless fellow whom Waddle would want to toast alive like a waffle. The problem lies in the fact that for a player of his nature, 70.3% pass accuracy and zero assists should read like an outright criminal act against football. Call me harsh, but I don't see any common sense in this reality showboating.
But before we start laughing at the Welsh Monk and his equally ambitious backroom clergy, please jump to 2:16. Let me be candid here. I never finished seeing the vid because I don't need to. The reason why is very simple.
Let's talk about the scene at around 2:16 here. It's quite obvious that this lad is capable of winning the ball. It's only a matter of whether he can replicate what we've seen at 2:16 on a consistent basis. In the world of English football, no one is going to castigate you for a failed attempt at winning the ball. Yes, people will be mocking and simmering. But not for long provided you can prove it as a one-off freak accident. In wrestling, we got the half nelson. In football, is it too much for us to expect a Traoré 2:16 in the same way those Yanks would always remember Stone Cold Steve Austin's 3:16?
Then we have his mobility and trickery. The reason why he's able to wrongfoot the opposition lies in his centre of gravity. Built like an ox, nimble like a cat, but he needs to fight like a wolf in its pack. I don't need to finish watching the vid to understand the circular nature of his footwork. That's how he threw the opposition off their feet and on their arses. Sometimes, the movement may be more subtle. Then, there were moments where it's more visible. He doesn't just take the ball and run. He takes the ball, moves his feet a wee bit, and then BOOM! Gone in less than 60 seconds, way faster than Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift's relationship with Tom "his sis made the Witcher more famous" Hiddleston. Some may even say faster than Usain "the black lightning bolt" Bolt and Tyson "no Gay jokes on drugs pls" Gay combined.
Assuming no team would be dumb enough to throw a die on a player yet to prove his footballing brain, it's up to the Welsh Monk to make some decisions (then again, Le Professeur X may actually be that crazy since we all know he enjoys taking a gamble on the young and unproven) The fact that he was swift to make a statement of intent concerning the likes of Downing, Ramírez, and Fischer highlights a fact not so significant in comparison. Namely, he never said anything about Adama "not a Djimi" Traoré.
Playing ball, one pass at a time
I need to end this post asap. However, I need to point out the most important aspect. Namely, the (correct) strategy. When we talk about passing, it's either forward, backwards, or sideway (and no, diagonal doesn't count because it's technically either forward or backwards). It's important for the Welsh Monk to hammer home how important the first and second pass should be. However, it's not a must for both passes to go forward. So long either the first or second pass is going forward, it's good enough. In other words, both passes should never go backwards.
If the first pass is meant to set the tempo (i.e. a 10 yard pass so as to speak), then the second pass should be a statement of intent (i.e.. a pass longer than 10 yards out). If the first pass is meant to tell the players to attack en masse, the second pass should be shorter in order to create a stranglehold in the final third. This is why while it's not a must for both passes to go forward, it also means both passes should never go backwards.
And lastly, let's talk about Steve
Not that creative guano loco icon known as Steve Jobs, but rather Steve "Boro Steve II" Agnew. Where will he go? A few days ago, His Royal Majesty Steve held talks with the previous three. Namely, Agnew, Jonathan "he will always man the gates" Woodgate, and Leo "he's Uruguayan, last name sounds like a Serb" Percovich.
Woodgate has been officially given the keys to being the assistant coach. Not the first team, but rather the Academy. Granted it's a small step forward, but you don't expect a toddler to start running like a twelve-year-old kid.
For Percovich, I fear the worst for him. Out of the three, he's the one person most strongly linked to the previous regime. Having no one stepping in as the assistant head coach means the Welsh Monk would settle for nothing less than his own man. Yes, BFF Pep has gone to Oxford where 12th July will surely be a day to remember for a pair of brothers-in-arms. However, that also means a Pep sized gap waiting to be filled. Simply put, why would the Welsh Monk run the risk of sending the wrong message after getting rid of certain players?
Boro Steve II will most likely the pick for assistant head coach. The reason why being that he's never a Spanish man. In fact, he's more of a Boro man due to how highly those higher up think of him. In other words, circumstances are in his favour more than the other two. At the same time, it seems that he needs more understanding when it comes to striking a balance between the defence and midfield. In fact, this was exactly what happened when he attempted a (Craig) Shakespeare. He was virtually floundering between the Spanish way of defending and his own way of doing a five man midfield. I truly doubt it's a coincidence that we played our better football under him when he did a 3-5-2.
As if a Pep sized gap isn't enough a cause for concern, we have a scouting system demolished to ground zero. The appointment of Victor "blame him for signing Viktor Fischer" Orta was a disaster which promised too much. On paper, there's nothing wrong. Or at least there shouldn't be. Problem was, things really went wrong like how Pompeii was buried under a deluge of ash and lava so many years ago. What this means is very simple. Until we hear something substantial coming from His Royal Majesty Steve and his royal court of advisers, I won't put it past Boro Steve II being tasked with a heavier burden. Namely, doing what the likes of Dave "Boro Dave" Parnaby and Ron "no boner jokes pls" Bone have been doing so faithfully for N years.
P.S: Despite the somewhat ambitious nature (and timing) of this post, I'm not crazy enough to try filling in a Pep sized gap in the current Boro dressing room. Then again, I prefer identifying myself with Rhaegar Targaryen if my beloved Boro should be identified with the Targs. You know the deal between him and Lyanna Stark instead of some Targaryen maiden.
Yes, I'm back again after swearing myself off this blog until the premier league season is over and my beloved Boro relegated. Dark humour aside, it's really gutting to see Alan "Captain Geordie" Shearer snickering over this fact. Let's face it, folks. He's a Geordie. Period. Interestingly enough, a protracted negotiation happening behind the scenes may not be the end of the world. Something tells me that Gibbo has more things to think about than we'd otherwise believe.
For now, let us focus on the greatest showpiece event in European football.
Cardiff as the venue=Vincent Tan Kuku no more
I know Tan Kuku sounds like some kind of vulgarity. I also know Tan Kuku sounds a bit like the father of Tan Peipei. No. Hell no. Tan Kuku is neither a Hokkien vulgarity nor the name of some beautiful Tan. Tan Kuku means "wait long long". Ah, the vulgar beauty of Singlish. It's like someone telling Prince Harry that calling a person by the name Willy is perfectly okay since not many Singaporeans actually know the British version of... well, Willy.
Please don't click the vid unless you're mentally prepared for NFSW content. It's already bad enough to imagine my future girlfriend being a Hokkien as well instead of being a Cantonese...
Enough of the nonsense, let's talk some serious stuff here. Namely...
Defying history (and the accomplishment of Julius Gaius Caesar as well)
Will this season mark the start of real greatness for Real Madrid? Will the real Madrid stand up tall in this battle of middle third supremacy? If there's anything we can glean from this season of Los Blancos, it'd be bragging rights going to the much-hated twin of Los Rojiblancos. Diego "El Lobo" Simeone is a wonderful tactician and an exceptional man-motivator, let me be this frank. However, it seems that parking the bus is no longer in the vogue. At least not for Los Rojiblancos. El Dinero may have gotten himself the real deal for Real Madrid. Namely, a French genius who has a score to settle with the Romans.
A lot will hinge on Cristiano "Man of Steel" Ronaldo. In the world of modern football, Ronaldo's ability to affect the match via a larger than life charisma alone is second only to Zlatan "I send entire nations into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović. When it comes to the perfect tandem of physical excellence and tactical awareness, I can only identify Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba as the other specimen of footballing perfection. A real monster of a player who is no different than a Tesla girl having the brains of a Tesla guy. It is like what an ex of his said about him here.
Let me be this frank, Ronaldo represents the difference separating Los Blancos and La Signora Omicidi. Yes, Zizou does have Gareth "#GB11" Bale in case there's a need for a smash-and-grab bailout. But let's be honest here.
1. Bale is reportedly not at 100% fighting fit status.
2. Bale is fast and a grafter, he's Batman of the team. In terms of footballing instinct and sheer power, there can only be one Man of Steel. A little wonder why Ronaldo should also be known as O Animal.
The fairy tale of Turin
When we talk about Turin, two things come to mind: Juventus and the Shroud of Turin. When we talking about the word park, a few things come to mind: Park "not Samsung" Ji-sung, Park "why always Park?" Shin-hye, and Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte parking 5 Roman sons of a gun across the midfield last year.
The last part is definitely the mainstay of Juventus. More specifically, the tactical mainstay of Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri. It's been a breathtaking turnaround, a Cinderella tale in a cutthroat industry no different from the Korean way of showbiz life.
Imagine this: you're a no-hoper to your parents and even your younger sister. The girls you had a crush on saw you as some creepy stalker, a pervert even. People called you 'siao", your AS1 Steve didn't think you'd be able to score a date. Then out of nowhere, you managed to prove your mettle. People started taking note of your tactical prowess, something honed by years of steel and fire. You have that sexy Tesla girl holding a torch for you, her light green cleavage-baring top a blatant show of intent. You finally got yourself a beautiful girlfriend who is also rich and intelligent. Not mention being a local Singaporean like you as well.
Above story will be a fitting script for a Mediacorp drama. For Il Fortezza, it's actually not so drama. But it's still a roller coaster ride. Who can forget the ignominy of throwing away a 2-0 lead against Barcelona years ago? The ordinary Singaporean may not remember this, but I do (mainly because I have the memory of Sir A. Fergie). It wasn't a pretty sight for the San Siro faithful, I suspected the only Romans gloating over this massive collapse are those supporting that other Milan. And of course, it didn't help that AC Milan wasn't able to regain their swag after that defeat. In a strategic sense, the crushing walloping dished out by Team Blaugrana threatened to destroy his career for good.
Fast forward to this season and the irony couldn't be any more apparent. Not only did Il Fortezza make revenge a dish truly best served cold, the fortunes of Barcelona is now more of a roller coaster than what we're seeing in Juventus right now. This is definitely something which would make Glenn "smartest man in the room" Hoddle look like a prophet if his karma comment was directed at somewhere else.
Make no mistakes about it. This is not just a tactical match between Le Zizou and Il Fortezza. It is also a battle between a master tactician and a monster of a player. More than Le Zizou battling the Roman fire, Il Fortezza will be bearing the brunt of the Iberian onslaught.
The battle will be won and lost in two areas. Los Blancos will most likely want to seize the initiative in the central midfield, after which play will be distributed to the flanks. Across the back, there will be a need to be aggressive in winning the ball. More than the midfield, the backline will have to be quick. Juventus is now a team second to none in terms of off-the-ball organisation. In fact, Le Zizou will need his team to play the ball forward like a Roman genius at times (read: playing the ball forward from the back in an inverted horseshoe crab manner).
As for La Signora Omicidi, the midfield will be that make-or-break zone. The onus on Il Fortezza is deciding how far the midfield must push. On one hand, forcing the ball from the midfield to the backline will be the key to victory or defeat for him. On the other hand, he will need to look out for Los Blancos breaking up the pressure anywhere across the back. At the same time, the midfield must be fast enough to track back, win the ball, and strangle the midfield. The team in pure white can afford to boss the ball via the back 4 more so long the midfield can track back to collect the ball. But for that team in black and white, they can't afford to do the same thing because Los Blancos is a team much vaunted for its ability to control the match via a four by two (numerically speaking, no racial derision intended) and aggressive pace down the flank.
My daring prediction?
I know the story of Il Fortezza will resonate with a lot of people. In fact, it also resonates with my own life story as well, sexy local Tesla girl or no sexy local Tesla girl. From a tactical view, however, I Bianconeri has proven itself a tougher nut to crack than Los Rojiblancos in the same way Il Fortezza is now up there with El Lobo in terms of motivation and organisation. Against Barcelona, the defence held firm. Against Monaco, the Roman fortress of Turin remained unbreached. As for Los Blancos, I can't help but feel more than just a wee bit of fragility somewhere. Against Bayern Munich at home, El Dinero earned his big money bragging rights for a good reason: 4 goals scored. On the first glance, it looked pretty. That is until we saw that other team of continental millionaires scoring 2 goals in reply. If it's in that Teutonic arena known as Die Allianz Arena, then it'd be a cause for alarm for the Teutons. Problem was, the goals were leaked at La Santiago Bernabéu. I don't care what the score was in the first leg. If it's 2 goals leaked at home, it shouldn't be looked down at. Against Los Rojiblancos, the only reason why El Lobo lost to that Frankish Saladin was due to a disastrous first leg. Strategically, one could even say Los Rojiblancos were dealt a cruel hand. Imagine what would have happened if the first leg was at La San Mamés instead of La Santiago Bernabéu.
Trust me, Il Fortezza will be reading this post. Erm.. I mean reading the opponent's past matches. Most notably what went wrong for the Frankish Saladin against the Teutons and Los Rojiblancos.
If Juventus really manages to clear the final hurdle, the schadenfreude in me will want to dedicate the win to the newly wed couple of Yu Xian and Lee Min. 😂😈😼
It's not every day that I made fun of Japanese. In fact, what I've said about Sora "no lewd jokes, please" Ma should not be interpreted as my brand of politically incorrect humour directed against... well, you get the drift.
Note to my fellow Boro-thers-in-arms: Above section is meant to be ignored. Just treat it as a mad man's raving. Below part is where the real fun comes.
Win Arsenal?
Optimism is at an all-time high. Or is it? Weirdly enough, the Teesside faithful are quietly confident of an upset. The only catch? Every Le Gooner feels the same towards us as well. Let me just say that our outing against Burnley was a hard done deal. Instead of getting burnt by the away team (which is arguably better than us, form-wise at least), we actually gave Burnley our Teesside burn for a large period of time. Make no mistakes about it, Sean "still not a douche" Dyche was out to win this. A look at his starting XI said it all. You have George "not a Kris" Boyd and Robbie "RoboBrad" Brady out wide with Joey "I have a Joe, I have a baton..." Barton in the central mid. Up front, they have Ashley "not a John" Barnes and Andre "50 Shots of Gray" Gray. If this doesn't look like a strong starting XI, it means you're smarter than José "O Especial" Mourinho, Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte, and Jürgen "Der Kop Kaiser" Klopp combined. In other words, you're a footballing Jew.
Suffice to say, Boro Steve's challenge is very simple, yet so difficult. Sounds like an oxymoron?
His challenge is very simple, it lies in the only thing he needs to set right. Namely, the correct balance between attack and defence. Under Señor, we're always running the risk of playing lopsided football. This is also the reason why this is also very difficult for him to get it right. We're racing against time, we're definitely on borrowed time. If we go down, I suspect the only person happy to bid us goodbye would be Alan "Captain Geordie" Shearer. Under Boro Steve, I truly hope the Teesside burn we gave to Burnley will be a sign of things to come.
As for Arsenal, I believe there's very little for me to say. However, let me try helping out in whatever manner possible. Let's see...
L'avant-garde
Arsène "Le Professeur d'Londres" Wenger will have to make a big call here. He has two choices to make. Will he want to go for pace and aggression? (e.g. Alexis "the smokin' gun" Sánchez) Or will he opt for physique and control? (e.g. Olivier "Le Chevalier d'Londres" Giroud)
What manner of L'avant-garde strategy Le Professeur opt to unleash will define his tactics. Period.
If it's the fast and furious, it means Les Gunners will be out to control the match via a four-man midfield. More specifically two holding mids and Mesut "Der Ottoman Turkish Delight" Özil. And then, there's one wide attacker tasked with holding down play and switching on the tempo in an instance. No such player, you say?
Believe it or not, Monsieur has been smiling like this ever since Super Santi signed for Arsenal.
If it's the strong and steady, it means Les Gunners will be out to play it fast and furious down the flanks. If Santi "El Alquimista" Cazorla starts, it means he will have to run more. At the same time, Les Gunners will be out to control the match via the attacking width since we all know their wide attackers are always smart enough to know when to hold the trigger and when to gun forward. This will also allow the holding mids more breathing space in case we break and counter. Question is, are we really good enough to do that on a consistent basis?
Note of self-fallacy: Thankfully, I discovered that Santi "El Alquimista" Cazorla is out injured. Not that I'm gloating. Rather, I'm relieved that I nearly made a fool of myself instead of... well, making a fool out of myself.
Les Cavaliers
The interesting part about Les Gunners' attack lies in an evenly spread out offence. What I mean is very simple: The anchoring point can be anywhere across the attacking trio behind the lone striker or the lone striker himself. In order to make this work, however, Monsieur Londres will have to make full use of his attacking wide players. If Boro Steve can guess correctly how his opposite number will play his centre-forward card, it may easily mean half the battle won. More or less, pace and aggression will be there. Question is, how often will they play it fast and furious instead of control and unleash?
L'Unique
There can only be one Special One. And I'm not talking about O Especial since his 90 mins were already over. I'm talking about a German Turk, I'm talking about the Ottoman Turkish Delight. Also known as Der Königsmacher, Özil is all about making kings out of goal scorers. In football, goals win you games. In football, goal difference means nothing without goals. In football, goals make a king like how a dearth of goals makes a pauper. If Özil is the fulcrum of all things offence and goals, it merely means one thing: Les Gunners will have to create tonnes of space for Der Königsmacher to exercise his authority as the core playmaker. Easy or difficult? It depends on the distance between the lone centre-forward and the two holding mids. It also depends on the distance between one wide attacker and the other. At the same time, there has to be one holding mid tasked with playing the ball forward, be it a 20 yard pass or 10 yard simple pass. We cannot afford to let this guy operate 15 yards behind the lone striker. If we do that, we die. Either we force him back or we force him out. Positionally speaking ofc.
Will this be Mission Impossibru?
I don't want to create any sense of false dawn here. Period. Probability merely means a long shot from what is absolute. What I can do, however, is to give Boro Steve some advice here.
1. Mind the fullbacks, our defensive width is arguably our Achilles heel. Our 16 million GBP man is out due to that loan rule restriction while I'm not sure whether our BFF leftback can be fit enough to match them pace for pace for the full 90 mins (not to mention surviving a few knocks or a Shawcross challenge). Les Gunners will be out to attack us down the flank. Worse come to worse, they will just tell their fullbacks to overlap and bomb us like a pair of B-2 Stealth Bombers.
2. Can we do a Big Uncle Sam? Laugh at him if you like, but there's nothing funny behind Big Uncle Sam dishing out the Fat Sam treatment last time round. Les Gunners were outmuscled, therefore they ended up getting outfought (not mention as well getting outrun like hell as well). Les Gunners were trampled by a 10 tonne XI. Period. More specifically, it's the space between their holding six and attacking four. And it has got nothing to do with that disastrous pass which may have cost Les Gunners a loss worth a whopping 35 million quids (NOT literally speaking ofc).
3. We can do decently well when it comes to holding down the ball. But what about going forward? Technically, we're better than some of the teams above us, believe it or not. Against the masters of cavalier football, we're nothing. If we can't gun forward fast enough, it means we must still try emulating Big Uncle Sam even though chances are that we can't reach that kind of 10 tonne XI level. Big Uncle Sam opted for two supersonic wingers against Les Gunners in the form of Wilfried "fried by his pace" Zaha and Andros "not a Stuart" Townsend. Monsieur Wenger will be telling his lads that we have nothing like that kind of players. And guess what? He's right if truly so.
4. If we can't do a thing on the attacking width, it means our central midfield area will be where the battle shall be won or lost. We cannot afford to let them breach the middle 3rd because they will exploit our defensive width like a pack of wolves chasing after a lagging deer. We must defend our defensive width at all costs (minus unwanted injury to our BFF St George ofc). We must be fast and decisive in playing the ball from the centre. We must be fast and aggressive in breaking up play and running box to box.
And above all, passing accuracy will mean a great deal for us. Make or break for us, to be exact.
Well, there goes the season for us. Burnt by the hell called Hull, chances are that we'll get burnt the second time round today.
Against Hull: What we did right
Plenty will have been said about whether we'd lost the match this badly if Señor had not been sacked. As much as I still have doubts over Boro Steve's ability to lead from the base, I have to say such speculation is anything but fair. The counter-argument can easily go like "would we have scored if Señor is still around?"
To put things into proper perspective, there's no difference between a glass half-empty and a glass half-full. Period.
Ultimately, the only thing we did right was scoring. That's all.
Against Hull: What we did wrong
Thirteen times worse than the movie Jason Goes to Hell: Final Friday. Our defending was really that bad. Or was it? There's nothing wrong with Boro Steve going with 4-4-2, this I agreed with Anthony "not the Vicks VapoRub" Vickers. Things only went pear-shaped for us like the Braxit once we drew first blood (nothing to do with a woman's underwear, it's all about Anguished Angelina and Bereaved Brad).
I once said something about Marco "young like a Rubio, wise like a Polo" Silva's four by two. In that post, I said the only way for us to get something out of the match was to throw a spanner between their 4 men in the middle and 2 blokes up front (well, not entirely true, but you get the drift). I won't be surprised if that's how we get the first goal. The only problem? Solo Para Siempre scored too early. In the 4th minute to be exact if I remember correctly.
Ultimately, Boro Steve's comments may have indicated a middle 4 too gung-ho for the back 4. Not their back 4, but our very own back 4. Boro Steve's deep lying approach is reminiscent of what Señor had done, much to his own detriment (I'll have to admit that his stubborn approach may have done his CV plenty of harm. Which may be why O Especial is trying to do something about it if this report is to be trusted). Boro Steve has to make the greatest decision of his career. Will he want to tank it like Señor or dare it like yours truly?
No one is telling him to play ball like Barcelona, no one is telling him to kill the lads in the most physical manner possible. We need to be tactically daring if we're to draw first blood again in the early stage. We need to be more literally daring when it comes to parking the back 4. So how do we do it?
Answer: We do it against Burnley
I have to give it to Sean "still not a douche" Dyche. Of all the English managers I've seen, he's the most exceptional bloke (together with Eddie "The Once and Future Knight" Howe) when it comes to man-motivation and man-management. Firstly, let me just say that we have sent the wrong message to him and his Claret boys. We have told them that it's okay not to sit back. We have told them it's okay to start a fight anywhere in the middle third. In fact, we have told them it's okay to unleash Joey "I got a Joe, I got a baton" Barton so long he doesn't start fightin' round the world.
Let me be this clear. We need to be more literally daring by playing the back 4 further up. If we want to get goals, we have to start from the back. The key reason behind Señor's failure wasn't due to 4-2-3-1. Technically, 4-2-3-1 is also considered as a 2 striker system (that is so long you have a 2nd striker in the hole 9). Problem with Señor's approach is very simple: He was playing his cards too deep near the goal. As a result, Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo became... well, Solo Para Siempre. At the same time, whoever playing hole 9 has to run more back and forth. This was also the reason why pairing up Stewart "hope he's not down and out" Downing and Cristhian "never an Arnie on the right" Stuani means less assurance of 3 pts in the bag.
At the same time, we need to be tactically daring. I believe the problem with us against Hull was due to not knowing what to do with an early lead. If we sit back, they will boss the game. If we pour forward... well, we all know what happened by the time the final whistle was blown. Silva has really given Boro Steve a harsh lesson in tactics. Yes, there's a need to throw in the spanner between the four men and two. When he played a 4-4-2, did we know what it means? It means shifting the four-man focus to the back while giving the wide players and strikers more off-ball running in the midfield and attacking 3rd! Tactically speaking, it means either Boro Steve would have to fall back or take a risk in order to disrupt Silva's four by two. He chose the latter, we're duly punished for that. And this is what it means to be tactically daring: Better to send the wrong message early than to do so in the later stage.
I'm not saying it's right to send the wrong message. Rather, I'm talking about choosing between the aforementioned two. After all, no one likes to send the wrong message if the right message is available.
As for Dyche and Clarets
I won't be surprised if they're gonna start this deep and trying to end this on a high. Once the kick-off starts, they're more likely to play this deep. Don't let this fool you in the sense that this won't persist for the entire 90 minutes. We're there for the taking. Somewhere in the game, Burnley is gonna push further up. This team can pose plenty of problems down the width and box to box. I still remember George "not a Kris" Boyd trolling us non-stop down the flank like George "Best of the best in Belfast, some say even in the world" Best. If something can happen once, it can happen again. In particular, our 2nd choice fullbacks are anything but assuring. Trust me when I say Boyd will dribble it like Best.
When it comes to the central mid, I'm pretty sure Dyche won't wield the axe. His choice of attacking wide men is where the game will be won or lost (mainly because a draw means a loss for us). When it comes to the fullbacks, be prepared for many an English artillery coming our way.
P.S: I'm recovering from a wee bout of flu right now. Also, I need to sate my gaming/writing fix until 10 pm (Singapore timezone).
Let me be this damn straightforward: Boro Steve's current performance has done nothing to ward off my worst fear. Namely, if Señor would get us relegated by end of season, Boro Steve will most likely get us relegated at the bottom of the table. Okay, I know that's a hyperbole. Then again, our season has been a bloody hyperbole so far.
Against Swansea: My verdict
We're definitely better than Bonny and Clyde. In other words, we got away from the Liberty Stadium with a point where in fact, we should have gotten beat 10-0. True to their home ground's name, those hundred-year-old Welsh Swans were playing with plenty of liberty under Paul "not the walrus" Clement. Amazingly enough, the Swans were unable to do a single thing in the final third. Either it is down to dumb luck or some great genius was helping us in the same way the famed strategist Zhang Liang was able to aid Liu Bang leagues and miles away during the Chu-Han conflict.
Okay, enough about the history of China. Let's talk about Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente. Clement actually stated that without El Trasero, the Swans were playing like a walrus named Paul instead of a genius named... well, Paul. Okay, that was a lie from yours truly. Swansea Paul never mentioned the walrus.
"You do miss him because he's a big focal point, That's not to say Jordan Ayew didn't play well - he gave us another dynamic Fernando doesn't have - but when you're crossing a lot of balls into the box, Llorente is a miss."
-Swansea Paul
Swansea Paul, however, chose to hide his real hand in this case. And it's up to me to expose him like the Kindaichi Hajime of Singapore.
A tall, large, and physically powerful player, Llorente's main traits are his heading ability and strength in the air, which enable him to function effectively as a target-man in the centre of his team's attacking line. He is also known for his offensive movement, positional sense, and goalscoring ability inside the penalty area; additionally, he is also gifted with good technical skills and link-up play, which allows him to play well with his back to goal and hold up the ball for his team mates in order to create space and scoring opportunities.
-Don't quote me on this one, please
Playing with his arse facing the goal, this was exactly the reason why Swansea Paul sorely missed his El Trasero. Don't get me wrong, Jordan "not a Michael" Ayew is a good player. His pace and direct playing style should go well for the team against Spurs. However, I doubt he's able to hold up play with arse facing the goal like El Trasero himself. What this means is very simple.
1. If you're Ben "His Royal Gibbo Highness" Gibson, would you dare to tackle El Trasero from behind? If your answer is yes, you get a red. And I don't mean a free front seat ticket to Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift's concert.
2. If you're Gylfi "name sounds like some epic fantasy novel hero" Sigurðsson, would you be in a hurry to link up play once El Trasero has the ball at his feet? (not to mention as well with his arse facing the goal) If your answer is no, it means you're actually spot on.
3. If you're a pacy winger, would you be so stupid not to cut in from the width?
With that, I rest my case.
Meltdown down the centre
It didn't look good for the last 20 minutes or so. Under Señor, no one would have hit a meltdown. Against Swansea, we experienced a meltdown from the frontline down till the central midfield. While we have to thank someone (or just about anyone else) for the fact that our backline never melted like solid chocolate over a raging fire. We're guilty of sending the wrong message to our next opponent, let alone opponents for the next N matches till the end of the season. This is surely a horror show thirteen times worse than Jason Goes to Hell (notice the pun in the post title?).
Boro Goes to Hull: Our Final Wednesday
By the time we reach our next Wednesday fixture, the writing would have already been on the wall. Will our survival bid end up like the end of Babylon? Or will we emerge victorious like the Persians and Medes?
If there's a silver lining behind our sub-par 180 mins so far, it'd be Boro Steve stumbling on a magic formula during our Man Utd match. Unlike Ronald "not a McDonald" Koeman, I've yet to see enough to call Boro Steve a master tactician. Yet, we must not take credit away when and where it's due. Plenty may have been said about Rudy "GET IN THERE, GESTEDE!!!!" Gestede's costly miss, but I need to point out the fact that two players made a whole world of difference against José "O Especial" Mourinho's not-so-special Utd. The first is Adama "looking far better than Djimi" Traoré, the other is none other than Gestede. We have pace and aggression in the former, physique and athleticism in the latter. It's no coincidence that Boro Steve's first two subs went to the two of them, it's no bloody miracle that we turned the tables ONLY after the black duo came off the bench and onto the pitch.
If Gestede's miss is a sign of things to come, then Boro Steve should just go for broke and play him up front. Alone by himself, I doubt he can do anything more than missing a 3 yard sitter. With Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo, it means a different tactical story. We have nothing to lose. Period. Unlike Blackpool's maiden Premier League voyage under the leadership of Ian "he talks like me in the same way I talk like him" Holloway, we were never guilty of scoring plenty. That was when Señor was still around. With Boro Steve around, I'd rather we take a 4-4-2 risk since I'm not interested in knowing how long our backline will hold firm without the Spanish master of Spanish organisation. Negredo's isolation lies in two factors. Namely, a prolonged spell of being marooned up front and aging legs. The latter factor is more damning since that would have greatly hampered his ability to track back. If only he had signed for Swansea...
Which now comes to this amigo below...
Marco "young like a Rubio, wise like a Polo" Silva, what can I say about him? Young, daring, and a Champions League gaffer. Perhaps much more than Señor, he's looking like the defensive counterpart of Eddie "The Once and Future Knight" Howe. More than us (and Sunderland), Hull deserves the Great Escape (a feat most memorably done by Gus "Me Gusta!" Poyet and Sunderland years ago).
I've seen the Hull team sheet under his stewardship, I knew straightaway the core of his game. Namely, a compact midfield of 4 men across the pitch. However, blood and thunder can only give any team this much. Boro Steve claimed to know plenty about the team, but does he know much about the quicksilver tactician named Silva?
First things first, Hull City seems to have a massive love for a robust midfield game. Under Steve "the boss, not the assistant" Bruce, focus of the midfield went to the width where dynamic wingers were amply supported by a capable central midfield. Under Silva, I have no reason to believe things have changed. That is apart from the focus. As a team out to do a Great Escape, Hull City could ill-afford to do either a Holloway Blackpool or a Me Gusta! Sunderland. The team isn't meant to play surface to surface artillery. More likely a team suited for surface to air. Against West Ham, Hull played a 3-4-1-2 against a more illustrious 4-2-3-1. By pulling back the flat four, Hull would have ample time and space to clamp down possession with that one fellow (more specifically Lazar "the Laser" Marković) playing Wesley "the Pass Sniper" Sneijder behind the attacking two. A direct firing squad is what Hull did right unlike us. A rock solid midfield is what Hull did right, something which we need to match.
Key to win, lose, or draw lies in how high (or low for that matter) quicksilver Silva will play his midfield. At the same time, the space between a flat 4 and the next 2 players further up will be where the battle shall be won (or lost for that matter). The moment we let Hull boss that area, we die and Boro goes to hell by going to Hull. The moment we're able to stamp out mark there... well, to quote someone famous for sending entire countries into retirement 4 teh lolz...
The King of Retirement (or rather the lack thereof) was the reason why we stood a chance against Utd. Period.
