Salted fish, turtle, and Lukaku

Okay, we're now back from the international break (and together with it, the excruciating process of watching British football). At the same time, I hope our Welsh Monk won't take the Welsh job. Let's be frank. Have we ever seen a Chinaman named Darth Vader before? Well, I dunno.

Before I start, please skip the part below if you're a fellow Boro-ther in arms

Recently, the women in my nation and those across the Atlantic made the headlines for all the... well, I don't know how to phrase it. Long story short, Harvey Weinstein may well end up becoming Harvey Grabstein while Park Ju-won became AWARE's pride in the same way the Hwaseong Fortress is the pride of Suwon. Now let me just say that what happened to Jang Ja-yeon shouldn't happen to anyone. You wouldn't want to make Der Wolf angry.

Why am I saying all this? Because recently, Romelu "the black Romulus" Lukaku made the headlines for (a few) wrong reasons. Seriously, I feel sorry for him. Which now comes to my friend Salted Fish. Firstly, congrats on getting married way before I do. Secondly, congrats on marrying a fellow Man Utd fan in the form of a SIA girl. However, I must state that calling her Shufen will most likely get you into trouble. Then again, I know you're throwing me a smoke bomb, that you're hinting there's a girl interested in me and that I happen to know her identity (not that her name is Shufen).

And lastly, you actually mentioned some Lukaku song being sung. I hope you're not referring to correct one (or wrong one depending on whether you're being factual or moralistic). I hope your wife won't interrogate you over this.

Note: Shufen's initials read as SF. The same goes for Salted Fish.  Bloody hell, you do indeed have faith in my superhuman analytical ability. It's like Zhuge Liang saying "略懂，略懂" where in fact he's a genius.

 Unfortunately, I'm still trying to find that "略懂，略懂" part.
Also, please don't mind the turtle, Salted Fish.
Lastly, Zhuge Liang's wife's surname was Huang/Ng.

Enough of this nonsense, let's continue (yes, Boro fans can now switch on back)

It's been a sticky patch for us. While things could have easily turned out worse, the fact is that our current position doesn't exactly read like "smashing the league". More likely it's a case of fans getting smashed. Having money is one thing, but money doesn't win you everything. Look at the blue Mancunians. How many times have they proved a certain Sir A.Fregie that... well, Fergie was correct? In fact, it's utterly stupefying that the red Mancunians have yet to discuss plans of getting a "Fergie Was Right" T-shirt (although I can't predict how Stan "not a S'porean" Lee would react to this).

The same goes for us. Like his BFF's namesake, our Welsh Monk joined a team full (and high) on promises. Unlike the more famous Pep, he has yet to find the correct way. At least the bald version of Pep is currently enjoying his football via a 3 man backline plus Fernandinho.

However, it must be stated that our Welsh Monk's apparent indecisiveness doesn't extend to the backline. In fact, the stability is there with the problem pointing to the final third instead of our defensive third. Don't believe me?

Relevance between attack and defence

Unlike our Welsh Monk, our Señor doesn't require two goals to send a strong message. Rather, one goal was enough. Which is why I still feel Boro under the previous regime was like Valencia under Quique "one-nil" Sánchez Flores. And therein comes the problem.

There's only this much our backline can do if our firing squad isn't scoring. Defensive teams don't have to worry about not scoring enough because their system doesn't rely on a good offence to ease pressure off the backline. For someone like our Welsh Monk, effective pressure from our firing third is the only way for the back 6 to do their job properly (back 7 if we're to talk abt 4-3-3). Hence, I'll only be talking about the firing third. But before that...

We need to decide whether Ryan has a place in the squad

I didn't see the last match against Brentford. However, it seemed that Ryan "the shotgun" Shotton had a terrible day. It's like my friend Ryan hitting me with a rugby tackle due to adrenaline overdose. While I've never held any grudges against him, the fact is that he got the wrong target. Likewise, Ryan the Shotgun hit the wrong note. Yet, please allow yours truly to play the devil's advocate.

Firstly, I don't know why Dael "he's the opposite of small fry" Fry got taken down. Yes, mistakes happen. Such move is never a wise one considering the central defensive area is the one that requires coordination more than any other dept. How much time do you think Ryan the Shotgun had to try clicking with the team? If training sessions are good enough, then we might as well expect a starting XI full of kids. After all, Fergie was right in doing that years ago!

Secondly, how much playing time Ryan the Shotgun had before joining us? Assuming the Brum Mail wasn't lying like a politician or lawyer, the lad failed to start 5 games in a row! For someone who only missed 3 games out of 46, this hundred-eighty degree turn in fortunes shouldn't be underestimated.

Suffice to say, I'm willing to cut him some slack. Physically and mentally, he's not 100% there on the pitch. It's not because he's only after his weekly bread. Rather, I believe he's only human and that you don't expect the most from someone of his circumstances.

I did a Google search on him just now. Apparently, he was able to play rightback, right wingback, and even a right winger or a makeshift forward. However, it seems that he's more of a specialised defensive right player more than anything else. His ability as a makeshift forward went like "due to his 6 ft 3 in frame". In other words, he's most likely a player capable of tackling and holding down play. While using him as a stand-in for Big Fry can be seen as a tactical risk, I have no problem with him playing at the rightback. Problem is, we already got a Cyrus. Not the twerking Cyrus or the Persian one, but rather Miley Cyrus "not a Persian" Christie.

My best guess is that Shotton is meant to be a replacement of sorts for Ben "His Royal Highness" Gibson. But that's assuming he ends up bailing to somewhere higher up during the next transfer window. Which isn't too long a wait. That's the only logical reason behind a seemingly daft move. In fact, we may even see Stewart "going down or up?" Downing outing himself from the team during the most disruptive period of any football season bar the African Cup of Nations (thankfully, we're no Liverpool). In other words, Shotton's future is still up in the air where plenty will hinge on Big Ben's call.

Master Strategist needed. No need for experience or degree, only pure genius.

Above header is meant as a joke. However, it must also be stated that our Welsh Monk is in no man's land (or no Monk's land if you wanna put it this way). This is due to the manner of names in the firing third dept. No matter how I look at it, there are egos abound. No matter where I see it, it's a man-management nightmare. In fact, this is the kind of situation which the likes of Chris "Scipio Anglofricanus" Hughton, Sean "pretty sure he's no douche" Dyche, and Ian "he's barking mad like yours truly" Holloway wouldn't like to handle.

In short, I won't be surprised if our Welsh Monk is out to create the kind of strategy where the attacking lineup can be customised according to the opposition. At the same time, it can also maximise the chances of any attacking substitution count. Problem is, you don't expect to win a match with 30 mins remaining. Yes, such victories have happened before. But to rely on that? Señor might be trying just that last season where 'tis better to score one and win it 1-0 late. Sadly, he got sacked as a result.

So what should our Welsh Monk do to avoid his own grabstein?

Get a stable firing squad and be honest with the rest

Players like their bosses to be honest. I mean, let's be realistic. Would you want to work for someone who is clearly fake? Not in a physical sense ofc, but rather in terms of daily interaction and relationship. I'm a working adult, I know the importance of work relationship with my boss. This is not to say currying favour is the best way out. Rather, it's down to whether your boss can be trusted to respect you. Respect you as an individual and professional.

This is what our Welsh Monk needs to do. Nail down on a consistent lineup and be honest to those under him. If the players are mature enough, they will know, understand, and gladly accept. Otherwise... well, I don't know how useful an immature player is to any team's cause. Remember, Fergie was right. Well, perhaps not all the time, but surely most of the time. Go ask David "he got a golden boot" Beckham if you don't believe my words.

Note: Due to the likes of Downing and Lewis "not a Hamilton" Baker, this also means being honest with the midfield instead of just the ones in the firing line upfront. 

Two rigged deals, one black hole

I apologise if above header sounds racist. But then again, I think most (if not all) of our attacking players are as black as Lukaku (no lewd songs, please. Just a big hell no). Our Welsh Monk needs to decide with two positions should be rigged. Not like Wilson "not Willy" Raj doing it illegally, but to do so legally.

If he's going with a 4-3-3, ideally it should be the two attacking wide berths. In fact, our friendly against Augsburg should have amounted to something. At the same time, though, nailing down the central striking role and one wide position is also doable. This is due to Britt "the black Britt" Assombalonga's ability to roam within the final third without the ball. Which makes him an ideal wide forward since there's plenty of space for him to pick out the best pass.

If he's out to do a 4-2-3-1, then it'd be trickier. Because 4-2-3-1 is a formation more synonymous to being systematic, I prefer 3 fixed roles and one position up for grabs.

Lastly, it's surely somewhere and never nowhere

This refers to our source of goals. I still remember José "O Especial" Mourinho coming to my country during 2012. In fact, I even recall clearly that this was somewhere in the middle of Euro 2012. He said goals win you games. However, I don't think he mentioned signing Mesut "the Ottoman Turkish delight" Özil for this very purpose. Yet, the fact remains that creativity is the source of many goals (maybe that's the reason why my national team sucks).

Our Welsh Monk needs to decide where to place the fulcrum creativity. Should it be out wide? Or in the space between the midfield and firing line? Nearer to the backline since he did just that with Downing before? No one needs to tell him two fulcrums instead of one. After all...

1. We're no Barcelona.

2. Monk isn't Pep. BFF Pep or the other Pep, it doesn't matter.

The (transfer) window shuts and the fun now starts

Finally, the transfer window slammed itself shut. And with that, the revolving door of deals (and players) going in and out. Somewhere down south, Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte must have been vomiting blood over two nearly-there deals. Everton might have accidentally helped its much hated BFF at Anfield by parking a bus between Ross "not Charles" Barkley and a supposedly dream move down south. As for Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente, it's a case of the player going towards the wrong end of London (in Chelsea speak ofc). Still, it remains to be seen whether Il Bestia will be getting mooned anytime soon.

This meme is proof that irony is the mother of reality in the same way necessity is the mother of invention.
Also, we can see that trolling face behind Conte.

Let's get the best part out of the way first...

Because this part is all about my beloved Boro and I'm pretty sure only 10% of the global football audience will only pay attention. Firstly, I need to get that crazy chimp riding a pogo stick off my back. Namely...

Before anyone jumped to any conclusion, let it be said that nothing came out of the (royal) horse's mouth. Months after the inevitable, Leo "actual Uruguayan, last name sounds like a Serb" Percovich has departed while Jonathan "a gate made of wood, stone, and steel" Woodgate was given a second shot at redemption via the Academy end. Which makes the whole silence... well, I won't call it unsettling, but rather baffling. You're not dealing with some politician of the same name (believe it or not), just some honest bloke still hungry to prove himself. Last time I checked, the assistant head coach spot is still vacant ever since our Welsh Monk's BFF chose that place more famous for academic excellence than football. Last time I checked, His Royal Majesty Gibbo has yet to say a single word. Let alone a complete sentence.

I don't know what's going on, neither do the rest (apart from those involved). I won't be surprised if Boro Steve became ex-Boro Steve. Yet, I do find it weird that it has dragged this long.

It's not as if we're dealing with North Korea.

At the end of the day, it will still be interesting to see who will be our Welsh Monk's no.2. It's starting to feel like Sun Ce waiting for his Zhou Yu.

Note: I realised I got no time to start talking about other teams. Simply put, this post has been officially changed to Boro exclusive. Not that I'm good enough for this unless I'm proven to be a genius strategist (not to be confused with a master tactician). In that case, someone from the club needs to interview me.

Continuing from the above part...

Which means we're still at Boro. In this post, I'll be touching on two areas. Namely, where have we been doing it right (rather than doing it wrong) and whether Jota (not to be confused with the one Nuno "El Spirito" Espírito Santo borrowed from Diego "El Troll" Simeone) would make us rue the day we refused to pay a North Korean ransom for his signature.

Firstly, where have we done right so far? It's very easy for us to press the panic button. After all, Rudy "get in there, Rudy!" Gestede got shot down by a freak injury. At the same time, we're guaranteed a no-show from Martin "the great black Dane" Braithwaite. Quite literally. Our problem right now is that we will be visiting the Emmanuel Macron Stadium without a target man. In fact, the rest of our attacking players are either wingers or strikers below 1.8 metres. I can virtually guarantee our Welsh Monk that Bolton will play it high, physical, and counter-attacking. While this is not to say David "I no longer eat parmo like a local lad" Wheater and his BFFs on the pitch will press us like Barcelona (or Manchester City for that matter), at least it means the Emmanuel Macron Stadium won't be running short of blood and thunder in the middle 3rd. Classic Tony "the Pulveriser" Pulis fare if you're to ask me.

However, this is not to say that we're at a disadvantage. Even though Aitor "El Señor" Karanka has left us, his legacy still lives on. Yet, this isn't a legacy of nightmares and Pennywise the Dancing Clown. It is a legacy of defensive organisation, the very stuff of Teesside steel the Evening Gazette pointed out just days ago. While one can argue the approach is different, there's no denial of the fact that...

1. Most of the deals we've done involved attacking players who are either wingers or forwards.

2. The only notable addition to our backline is Miley Cyrus "not a Persian" Christie.

3. I don't remember any big names from the defensive end going anywhere/somewhere. Not even the likes of Ben "His Royal Highness" Gibson.

While it's hard to discern how much of a Karanka our Welsh Monk has become so far (at least I'm sure it's not THAT much), it must be noted that Karanka emphasised greatly on keeping the ball on the ground when it comes to defending (read: classic mid-tier Spanish football). Unlike Karanka, our Welsh Monk is more of a daring Gwalchmei (pretty sure only the Welsh will understand this word) than a pragmatic amigo. Like Karanka, our Welsh Monk enjoys overseeing football on the ground instead of Anglo-Saxon artillery fired over the English Channel to Macron knows where. In other words, it's not really that surprising. It's all about finding a common ground (said common ground actually has a name, he's called Adam "the Claymore" Clayton). And our Welsh Monk has done so just fine. So far so good, that is 

Secondly, will we rue the day Birmingham paid a North Korean ransom in our stead? Unless proven wrong, I wholeheartedly agree with the bloke who wrote the article arguing why missing out Jota ain't a big money of a deal. When His Royal Majesty Gibbo refused to pay the kind of ransom Pyongyang would demand from neighbouring countries (including China for that matter), do you think he's stupid? I'm pretty sure there are still arguments going about whether Jota would have given us a different edge. After all, he has a playmaker's technical ability and a winger's pace aplenty. Let me kill off this argument once and for all. Like an assistant boss (because the actual boss is our Welsh Monk).

I know the above image is nothing short of an irony. Played against us previously, now officially part of us. Sounds familiar? Well, that's football for all of us (plus the likes of Sol "without a soul according to half of North London" Campbell and Ashley "did Spurs fans manage to make up a song about karma minus Glenn Hoddle?" Cole).

I've seen a bit of his history and it proves either one of two things.

\

1. He's a mercenary like Deadpool.

2. He's merely a hungry lad out to prove himself.

Because he's officially one of us, I prefer to play it nice (and honest) by assuming he's a player whose hunger mirrors that of our Welsh Monk. But seriously, we have Pep "seems that every Pep is from Catalonia apart from the one in the SGH retail pharmacy" Clotet to thank. After all, once a BFF, forever a BFF.

Let me first talk about playmakers. Or creative players if you like to call them this way. While they come in different shapes, sizes, and nationality (not to mention ethnicity and sexuality as well), they tend to fall under two main categories.

Below are examples of Cat I playmakers

The Cat I playmakers aren't exactly the preferred English fare. After all, either they don't win enough second balls or they spent too much time on the ball. In the worst case scenario, they ended up winning too many yellow cards and spending too much time on getting the red ones. Yet, it must be stated that the human beings don't just operate with heart alone. Only animals would do that. To be a human being, you need both heart and brains. And that's what the Cat I playmakers are all about: Brains.

So how can you identify such playmakers? Very simple. They tend to start off playing passes from the back. Such players are called deep-lying playmakers for a reason. They are the strategists of any team, the con man in a team of honest blokes doomed to perish without acts of knavery. They are definitely the Robin Hood to the Sherriff of Nottingham, the Jon Snow to that mad cat known as Catelyn Stark (or Tulley since they killed Ned for being honestly dumb). Also, no Dany jokes please.

Below are examples of Cat II playmakers

Apart from Karim "Le Benz" Benzema, every player above is a Cat II. The thing with the word playmaker is that it can be very misleading. Playmakers aren't simply the lazy Euro Johnny dumbing down the gritty Union Jack. Playmakers are defined by their ability to find space and potential chances before opponents have the chance to realise something amiss. This ability is NOT limited by playing style. Likewise, it has got nothing to do with hogging the ball like a Portuguese Narcissus (well, at least Thomas "Der Hattori Hanzō" Müller doesn't do that from my best of understanding). The Cat II type involves a more athletic approach. They won't just sit back and wait for the defence to play the ball to them.

Therefore, they tend to feature prominently in offensive positions anywhere in the firing squad. If we're talking about 4-2-3-1, such players are most likely seen anywhere across the attacking trio behind the lone ranger ahead. However, it has also been proven that a false 9 approach where the so-called attacking midfielder ended up playing the lone vanguard actually works. This was the system which made Lionel "he now looks more like Lionel Clayton" Messi into a global name when Pep "pretty sure he's not Monk's actual BFF" Guardiola took over from Frank "not de Boer" Rijkaard. At the same time, this was the system Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw used to devastating effect during World Cup 2014 (albeit I won't put it past him "plagiarising" Pep in the first place).

After going on a lengthy journey, what am I trying to prove, you might ask. The answer is very simple. When fans were calling for Jota's signature instead of his head, it must be stated that he belongs to the Cat II type. At the same time, however, His Royal Majesty Gibbo was no wheeling-dealing slouch (of course, it must be stated that our Welsh Monk is most likely in full charge of who he wants to sign). Signing Marvin "neither Emnes nor Adam" Johnson was... well, exactly what the fans wanted. Not in terms of the name, but rather in terms of the playing style.

Capable of playing anywhere in the firing third? Yep.

Primarily known as a winger? Who cares?

So hold off your guns and fire, my fellow Boro-thers-in-arms. Ever since the acrimonious manner which Gastón "let's hope he remains as El Bello Bestia instead of some other Gaston" Ramírez left the club, surely the deal can't get any worse. At least I hope so.

Post-Battle of the Caesars: Scipio's Report

Apparently, I was being a lazy bastard. Too much gaming and too little (football) analysing. As a result, I can only pull this off.

The T-word

If there's anything more NSFW than the semi-graphic portrayal of the latest court drama, it'd be this. Will he or won't he? Right now, it seems that Barcelona is in desperado modo in the face of Neymar's departure. Suffice to say, plenty will be said in the next few weeks. In fact, it's quite likely that he will be a figure more reviled than Luís "not Suárez" Figo. To be brutally honest, I did have my own reservation when Barca officially signed Neymar. To me, this lad has an ego the size of Russia (which incidentally is the largest country in the world in terms of land mass). I have no questions about his class, just that I was left wondering whether he'd be willing to play second fiddle to the likes of Lionel "El Pequeño Leon" Messi and Andrés "El Gigante" Iniesta. For a few seasons, he proved me wrong. This time, I might have been proven right. A brief look at PSG's current first team crème de la crème would betray the likes of Julian "Der Dazzler" Draxler, Ángel "El Arcángel" Di María, and Edinson "El Caballero" Cavani. Thing is, none of them has Neymar's larger than life presence (let alone ego). The fact that he's given the no.10 shirt says it all.

Assuming the worst actually happened, that Philippe "O Conjurador" Coutinho actually decided to follow his fellow Brazilian's example by wiping his bare arse with his last signed contract first, what should Jürgen "Der Kop Kaiser" Klopp do? It's not as if people will laugh and say the gaffer is just another Weasel.

Assuming that someone goes and no one comes in, it means the firing three will most likely consist of Sadio "apparently, he doesn't have a mane" Mané, Roberto "Kop's next top false 9?" Firmino, and Mohamed "Chelsea sign him=salah, Liverpool sign him=tak salah" Salah. Something which has happened against Watford. Now let me just point out that Salah may well be Liverpool's signing of the season. Last season,  #TeamRoboKop was sorely lacking a creative spark from the width. While the likes of Mané, Firmino, and Coutinho can play out wide, problem is that they do not have pace and trickery combined. The nearest player to this category of creative wide man would be Daniel "he dances like a partridge" Sturridge. In the event Coutinho goes, it'd be interesting to see whether Sturridge will become the black Liverbird or shot down like a dumb dancing partridge.

Above image means only one thing. More than ever, Adam "not Forshaw" Lallana can't get himself permacrock. A brief look at Liverpool's starting midfield betrayed a shocking lack of creativity in the middle 3. While Emre "Can he or Can't he?" Can look more and more like the heir apparent to Sami "Der Krieger" Khedira, questions should be asked about the inclusion of Georginio "the black Stevie G?" Wijnaldum and Jordan "unrelated to my primary school" Henderson. The former is a classic box to box holding mid while the latter can never pass it like Scholes as much as the Kop faithful would want to kill me for this insult (I know Steve Ang will anyway). Unless those Yanks can pull off a coup by signing Marco "not Castarratti" Verratti, Lallana will most likely have to assume the role of Iniesta. Interestingly, Salah's pace and trickery may pave the way for Der Kop playing a 4-2-3-1. You have Mané cutting in from the flank (like what he has always done with aplomb) and either Lallana or Firmino playing in the hole 9. Lastly but not the least, this basically means Der Klopp has to throw the die on Divock "will he shock us this season?" Origi being the orthodox 9 like what Robert "Big Lews" Lewandowski did last time round before being tempted by the promise of an all year round Oktoberfest.

Before I go to sleep...

Let me just say something about my beloved Boro. What promised so much for us ended up in a defeat. I saw the result between Derby and Wolves on Livescore. Coupled with whatever little I managed to glean from the Sky live feed last Saturday, Nuno "El Spirito" Espírito Santo's greatest weapon may not be Rúben "and to think people assumed he'd say 'NEVER!' to the Chinese splashing out their Chinese cash" Neves. Rather, it might turn out to be someone possibly with the net worth less than half of 14 million quids.

This is Barry "unrelated to Michael" Douglas. Not to be confused with Michael "unrelated to Barry" Douglas.

Against a team blessed with two creative players in the form of Neves and Diogo "last name sounds Japanese" Jota, the Welsh Monk set out with a half arsed middle 3. While I can understand the need to create a shielding screen for George "BFF" Friend in the form of Marten "fights like a marten, running like the Roon" De Roon, it basically means Jonny "the howitzer" Howson was our only effective source of long passes. Despite playing with a half-arsed middle 3, we managed to keep Wolves at bay. Come the second half, we're pinned back. It wasn't a freak coincidence that the introduction of Adam "not a Lallana" Forshaw changed the game with 25 mins to go. With two long passing blokes in front of Adam "again not a Lallana" Clayton, we turned the screws on a team which might have invested more money than us (just don't ask me about Jota's net worth). Yes, it exposed a hole in front of our BFF, but every tactic and strategy have their own risk. In this sense, there's not much difference between 10% risk factor and 30% risk factor. Our defeat wasn't so much about performance, but rather a case of strategic defeat. Given that it took our Welsh Monk 65 mins to get things right, we actually acquitted ourselves well. And when I say we, I include our Welsh Monk as well.

If there's anything we can learn from last season, it wouldn't be from Aitor "where will he go next?" Karanka. Rather, it's from another amigo from the glitzy half of the Spanish capital. Namely, Zinedine "Le Professeur X" Zidane. On the first glance, his decision to play Toni "Der Stark" Kroos and Luka "Skywalker" Modrić nearer to the back 4 halfway through the Champions League finale last season was anything but tactically sane. With Casemiro cut loose from the chains binding him, pundits could be forgiven for thinking Le Professeur X had gone barking mad like Magneto. Surprise! The Romans from Turin had no answer to a barrage of chances created from the back. While it must be cautioned that we're no Galácticos, I truly doubt it will harm our Welsh Monk's Boro cause by emulating someone who looks and thinks like Charles Xavier himself. Last time I checked, Clayton was more of an orthodox box to box offensive mid before joining our Boro cause.

Battle of the Caesars Day I: Scipio's Report

Every fan of football (or soccer if you're a Yank) please skip this nonsense intro

Beliebers in Singapore must be mourning at this point of time. I don't have to spell it out that a blockbuster act has just decided to... well, I won't say rage quit. But still...

Fear not, however, my fellow S'poreans. Even though I'm no Belieber, it's my duty to showcase what the world (may) have been missing all the while!

Disclaimer!

Despite the misleading nature of the post title, I don't profess myself to be some sort of military genius. No, there's no reason for Cristiano "#CR7" Ronaldo to call me friend unlike a fellow Singaporean. Yes, I'm short in stature like Alexander the Great. Maybe around 3 cm taller than Emilia "it makes romance IMPOSSIBRU!!!! since 2014" Clarke. That doesn't make me a Greek in the first place. Yes, I'm no Roman in the same way Scipio was most likely black. That doesn't make me Rome's BFF. Definitely, I'm not Rome's worst nightmare.

Interestingly enough, my dad mentioned that I'm actually a descendant of Guo Ziyi.




FC Bayern München-3

First things first, I didn't watch the match. Rather, this post will be done based on whatever little I understood based on the teamsheet. Secondly, it doesn't give me a reason to hold back. If I'm good enough, it means a recommendation letter may end up making its way from London to a small town named Middlesbrough. Otherwise, I've got nothing to lose anyway.

Let's talk about the winner first. As a typical Roman pragmatist, one can't blame Carlo "Signore Milan" Ancelotti for preferring an orthodox 9 approach unlike Pep "not Monk's BFF" Guardiola's unorthodox false 9 strategy (something which enabled Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw to achieve national success during 2014). However, a sign may already be put in place when it comes to a tactical shift. Signore Milan's footballing philosophy mirrors his gentleman image perfectly well. Like how a gentleman handles diplomacy, Signore Milan's strategy hinges heavily on controlling the ebb and flow of the game. As a Roman, any team under him would have to understand discipline and knowing when to step on the accelerator.

The most notable example of the latter rule would be Kingsley "Coman the (Black) Barbarian" Coman. When he got the contract he wanted, I'm pretty sure he breathed a sigh of relief. Prior to his D-Day victory, the poor lad was sweating over his future. On one hand, he was no longer that blue eyed (black) boy under Pep's swashbuckling Catalan style. On the other hand, one couldn't fault the lad for feeling confident after his national exploits secured victory for Emmanuel "can he macro-manage France to greatness?" Macron. Okay, that last statement was a joke. More specifically, his presence out wide enabled Didier "Monsieur Bleu" Deschamps to up Les Bleus' game without the aid of Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba. After all, I did mention something concerning Les Bleus playing two up front. The only problem? Signore means Signore, not Senyor or Monsieur. Fast forward to now and what is it that we're seeing? Previously, Douglas "neither Diego nor a Rui" Costa was the preferred choice out wide. Now, it's Coman's turn to enjoy his Oktoberfest.

Not this type of Oktoberfest.
If I've offended anyone who has unliked SG Wine Cellar on FB, I apologise.

To understand how Coman can become Conan's barbarian bro next season, one has to look at Signore Bavaria's first substitution. Two half-time changes were made. The first was of no significant value since it's one keeper for another. The second one might be quite intriguing to the likes of Jamie "my dad never made Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson famous" Carragher, Gary "not to be confused with Phil" Neville, and Alan "Barcelona already got Figo" Shearer. Not so to me. By taking down a proven centre forward in the form of Robert "Big Lews" Lewandowski, Coman's presence effectively moved Thomas "Der Ninja" Müller into the false 9 territory. Sounds familiar? Well, it should. Remember what I said on Pep and Löw using the false 9 system?

The role of the false 9 is all about controlling the game via a top down manner. Instead of playing the ball forward from the midfield or even via the back, this system ensures the ball can be retained anywhere from the firing line to the middle 3rd. Conversely speaking, such an approach can easily free up at least 3 players to go forward. Hence, it's only natural to imagine Coman benefitting the most. Ultimately, this tactical switch can easily move either James "El Reemplazable" Rodríguez or Franck "Le Cicatrice" Ribéry into the hole 9. In other words, it's called thinking out of the box, something which we S'poreans aren't exactly known for. Knowing Signore Bavaria's style, I won't put it past him using Ribéry as a no.10 instead of a 7. If you're still in awe of Ribéry's ability to pass the ball while being marked by 2-3 men, I can assure you that I've seen it back during the World Cup 11 years ago. Ironically, that was during Germany 2006.

However, it was the introduction of Miloš "not to be confused with another Milo" Pantović which highlighted Signore's uncharacteristic bravery. In one single move, he resembled more of an impetuous Teutonic commander rather than a calculated Roman tactician. Case in point: Can you imagine Ribéry and Rodríguez being part of a middle 3? That's how insane Signore can be. Of course, as we all know by now, there's always a fine line separating a madman from a genius. That's why we Singaporeans need more effort to understand crazy people. Lest you don't know, Pantović plays as a striker. If I remember correctly, the nearest thing to this tactical insanity was deploying Ángel "El Arcángel" Di María in the same manner. Don't laugh, Signore really did that prior to El Dinero saying "you're fired" in both Spanish and Italian (I forgot who were the other two in the middle 3 though).

Chelsea F.C-2

At the other end of Saxonland, we have Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte. Not so long ago, he's having trouble with Diego "El Bestia" Costa. If you think Costa was a beast on the pitch throughout the season, you're not wrong. If you suspect Costa has always been a beast off the pitch... well, perhaps you're not entirely wrong. The comedy surrounding the timing of Conte signing a two-year extension couldn't be any more evident. Why I said that is very simple: Shortly after this, Álvaro "もらった!" Morata signed on the dotted line. If there's anything more surreal than this, it'd be Costa accosting Zhang "don't call her Xinyu or Viann" Bichen.

Recently, another bloke in blue got himself into the messy world of transfer rumours. This is now that moment of the year where people purchased the Sun not just for the sake of... well, breasts. Ladies and lads, I present to you...

Will he or won't he? Will Nemanja "not Vidić" Matić follow the footsteps of another Nemanja? Or will he stay like a loyal centurion? More than talking about transfers and how long will the actual Khaleesi stay single, I enjoy talking about tactics. More specifically this amigo below.

Assisting has to be the most thankless task in the offensive category. More oft than not, you won't score goals. And even if you do, the hero will always be Costa. In the event where Old Trafford will see its new Nemanja Vidić, who should take over from him? Will it be a purchased replacement like for like? Or will N'Golo "Le Kanté Noir" Kanté have to entrench himself further behind? One interesting view from the latest defeat is this. Kanté's defensive tenacity was the reason why Leicester could play a direct four by four without being too defensive. At the same time, he was also the reason why David "he plays the ball like a harpist" Luiz could excel last season despite people calling Il Bestia a barking mad beast for signing him. There was no Luiz in sight for the starting lineup. Andreas "think he never played before GTA: San Andreas" Christensen may have been intended as somewhat a like-for-like alternative. Would it have mattered at all if Luiz started instead? Apparently, the answer is no.

The central midfield polarity in that match has to be the kind of mistake Il Bestia can ill-afford to make once the real season kicks off (in fact, those midfield goons can easily kill Chelsea come 6th Aug in this way if I say so myself). The screw up happening here actually exposed Chelsea's central midfield unnecessarily. Without Kanté's imposing presence in front of the back 3, seeing Cesc "El Fabuloso" Fàbregas playing in deep lying position was nothing short of an invitation to attack. It's a no-brainer. Yes, I acknowledge Il Bestia's intention to prevent the Bavarians from playing the ball at their own pace and leisure. The problem is, this approach won't work if you have six Teutons flooding the middle 3rd in the form of a four by two backline. A player of Der Ninja's calibre would surely relish such a scenario like a shark smelling blood. A 3-4-2-1 approach means Michy "will he be Belgium's Batman?" Batshuayi has to track back more often than not. His pace and athleticism are well suited for this role, but it's only provided that Chelsea can muster an effective counterattacking game. With Kanté doing a Casemiro, there's no chance Fàbregas could have pulled off a perfect counteroffensive ball passing machine like Toni "Der Eiserne Mann" Kroos and Luka "the Force is still strong in him" Modrić.

The whole midfield strongman going forward approach did work for Los Blancos during their Champions League final victory over Juventus. But that's because Le Professeur X played a back 4. What this means is that for Casemiro to play the big occasion hero, there must be sufficient defensive cover to facilitate a "passing the ball from the back" approach. Juventus couldn't find a way to stabilise and attack, the Romans from Turin got done for (ironically, this approach was the reason why Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri was able to one-up Le Professeur X for the first 45 mins). That's why Los Blancos could turn the tables come the second half. Yes, CR7 wrote a new chapter in his footballing career. But it was the tactical brilliance of Le Professeur X which won the match.

Back to Chelsea. Should the central midfield polarity be reversed, would it be better? The key thing lies in winning the ball and securing possession. As the master tactician of a back 3 system, it's up to Il Bestia to decide how not to expose a hole the size of a giant Serb. Should Il Bestia decide to pull back the wingbacks nearer to the back 3, the momentum of the match might have swung to his favour. Yes, the opponent would still have the ball. Yes, there's still Der Ninja to deal with. But at least there's a better chance of winning the ball from the back. Personally, I don't see a problem with this current central midfield pairing, just that there's a need to control possession from the back 3 to the centre forward. As such, a 3-4-3 would have suited Il Bestia better. Which now comes to this amigo below.

Quite obviously I'm not referring to Ned. Rather, it's Álvaro "もらった! " Morata. Yes, he may not have Batshuayi's pace and athleticism. Quite obviously, he's never one to force his way in like Costa. However, he holds up the ball quite well. Like Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente, Morata is... well, another El Trasero. If you can hold up play with your arse facing the opponent's goal, it means you should be good enough to hold up play with your arse facing your own midfield. That's why Il Bestia signed him in the first place. Otherwise, why would you think Chelsea is insane enough to splash the cash on someone cursed with abysmal stats? It doesn't matter whether the likes of Eden "the Duke of Hazzard" Hazard and Pedro can hold down play in the final third. In fact, creating a stranglehold from the back 3 to the centre forward is more important with the wingbacks reinforcing the defence when needed. So long the ball is firmly in control within Chelsea's own half, the opponents will be forced to pour their numbers forward. Period.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily mean El Fabuloso in front and Le Kanté Noir behind. Yes, the latter is a must. In the wonderful world of strategy and tactics, who are we to judge Il Bestia if he can win a treble (or even a quadruple) next season by plastering both to the back 3 side by side?

And lastly...

I'll be rounding up this post with whatever little I've seen in the last 4 mins (minus stoppage time) between the cockfighting roosters from England and the wolves from Rome. I'm not going to speculate who will be the next big target of Jewtown poaching since Mauricio "will he be sipping a cup of cappuccino by end of season?" Pochettino. Definitely, it won't be me.

Firstly, Roma. What I saw was a team which played like someone out to ask a killing from Luciano "Il Alfa" Spalletti. Thing is, Il Alfa is no longer the Gaius Julius Caesar there. Instead, they got themselves a Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus (yes, I know that's a cumbersome name for an emperor most well known for legalising Christianity). Eusebio "Il Eusébio" Di Francesco, that's the name of Roma's Constantine the Great. The last gasp winner was a sudden break and counter move from the way I see it. Granted any person's energy level will drop more than a tad bit after running non-stop for 86 mins, but I noticed one interesting trend within a short span of 4 mins sans stoppage time. Unlike the aggressive pack of wolves running across the plain under Il Alfa, the current pack of hunters under Il Eusébio played more like predatory canines lying in wait in the forest. More specifically, the wolve from Romes were controlling the game via the flank. If that was indeed Il Eusébio's strategy, then it may mean plenty of break and counter action from the central area. I won't be surprised if Roma will be a surprise candidate for the Scudetto next season. Il Alfa, be glad that the pack you left behind is now in good hands.

Next, Tottenham. Il Bestia recently questioned the sanity behind Daniel "the Jewish Levy" Levy's "no more money" logic. If you are in Pochettino's shoes, how would you react? Will you stay your hand? Or will you flare up like an Argentine nationalist whenever someone mentioned the Falklands War? More than tempers flared, I prefer to speak up on what I see. Namely, a consistent pattern of slowing down play at the back, only to play a long pass/cross into the opponent's half. This is deceptively Pochettino, I'll have to admit. Last season, he played a more orthodox holding mid game. One defensive anchor and the other being Mousa "not this Dembélé" Dembélé. This strategy worked wonders due to the latter's off-ball box to box running and superior ball control. Assuming Eric "he plays more like Hawkeye than the Hulk" Dier stays, all Pochettino needs to enjoy a nice meal at Tino's Pizza Cafe (at Tiong Bahru Plaza, which is near my home no less) is this: Just make sure Dembélé can pass it like Scholes instead of bending it like Beckham. Assuming Dier can't be tied down... well, it should be still the same strategy. Just don't kick it like Cantona.

Yep, it's an ancient Chinese art martial alright.

Okay, that's all for you football fans (or soccer fans if you're all about 4th July)

Click this vid only if you want to know who is that girl they call Bichen...

Boro, Steve, and the Welsh Monk

I should have done this earlier. Period. In the end, my instinct to procrastinate has come back to haunt me once more. Anyway, I guess it's still a case of better late than never. *shrugs*

Before I get started... (read: skip this part unless you want to torture yourself)

It looks like a weird piece of news. If it wasn't 100% official, I'd thought it's fake news. No, I'm not referring to which Lee is lying through the teeth (or even how many Lee Wei Lings are there in the local Singaporean healthcare sector). Rather, it's the International Champions Cup 2017. It doesn't make any sense at all. Period. You have FC Bayern München in China, you also have FC Bayern München in Singapore. If the Germans are only in Singapore for the local national team, then one can be forgiven for calling this normal. Problem is, the opposition they'll face can easily spank the Singaporean lions 10 goals to nil if they're really on song.

We have Chelsea.

And Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte

 I Nerazzurri

I srsly dunno what is pelatoso. I just find the mugshot funny. Period.

And ofc the most bloody obvious...

No, it doesn't make any sense at all. Ever. This is no Batman versus Superman or even Deadpool versus Cable. There are no superpowers involved here, therefore I dare say the sight of Bavarians having to run two trips instead of one is a case of anti-logic. Signore, you're pitting your wits against two fellow Signores, not Signore Sundramoorthy. After all, it's not as if I was responsible for Kingsley "Conan's black bro?" Coman getting signed on a permanent basis till 2020.

Interestingly though, there's a common ground here. Namely, all three master tacticians are Italians by nationality, Romans by identity. Let's do a reality check here.

Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte is a Roman (genius).

Carlo "Signore Milan" Ancelotti is a Roman (gentleman).

Luciano "Il Lupo Alfa" Spalletti is a Roman (son of a gun).

It feels eerie. Absolutely eerie. It feels like I've become some sort of hot commodity.

And now onto my beloved Boro

It's been a roller-coaster ride so far for the whole of Yorkshire. Initially, Boro fans were hoping to get a positive bloke after a gross lack of Spanish balls on the pitch. No one should lack our commitment to holding the fort. But when tenacity from the middle 3rd mattered the most, we bottled it like Cardiff.

Speaks like a ruffian, sips water like a boss. That's El Lobo for ya...

When suspicions first arose about Garry "the Welsh" Monk concerning a potential jump, naysayers were quick to douse the fire. After all, why would he be so stupid to leave a club that was (and still is) looking on the up? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. The fans were behind him and he's got a BFF in the form of Pep "not that one in Manchester" Clotet. What's there to dislike about Elland Road apart from the fact that they enjoy calling us Targaryens in the same way we enjoy calling them the offspring of Jaime and Cersei Lannister(s)?

But took the jump the Welsh Monk did. Depending on how you see it, this was like Luís "never a Nani" Figo going to Real Madrid or Luis "he played football like Figo" Enrique managing Barcelona. If you're to ask me, it's really mind boggling. Ultimately, the only reason I can come up with is some sort of unknown drama going on between him and boardroom. But even then, this should only be seen as speculation. Which now comes to another question...

Why did the Welsh Monk do a Figo/Enrique?

People would be pointing at money. After all, the Welsh Monk isn't the first to be called Judas. When Nigel "the son of fire and brimstone" Pearson took the jump from Hull to Leicester, the angry City faithful called him Judas. Ditto when Roberto "not Mancini" Martínez was branded as Judas with an El as the prefix after he made the switch from Swansea to some place more famous for the pies, rugby, and Paul "he's gotta prove he ain't that walrus Paul" Jewell. In other words, the Welsh Monk won't be the last Judas just like how he wasn't the first one to start with.

Interestingly enough, Judas is actually a variation of Judah. While the former will always be synonymous with traitors and turncoats, the latter is one associated with authority and prestige. In fact, the titular protagonist of Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ written by Lew Wallace went by the first name of Judah!

Okay, I'm digressing here. Let's speculate what may have caused the Welsh Monk to make the switch. While I won't make daring assumptions, I'd like to point out a few things.

1. We have the Special One from Portugal, the (not-so) Normal One from Germany, and the Bald One from Catalonia.  Then we have the Ambitious One from Wales. The thing with the Welsh Monk is this: After having a taste of personal summit reached with Swansea, only a moron would say he's strictly in for the money. By joining Boro, this could easily be interpreted as a message of intent. Not in terms of GBP and quids, but rather success on the highest possible level asap. If he felt Leeds couldn't give him that, it means he would leave. And left the club he did. Funnily enough, I'm pretty sure people won't be calling him the snake on a plane if his next destination was anywhere but Middlesbrough.

2. The Ambitious One has plenty to prove and a tad too little to show. The reason why being that his final season with Swansea was a disaster. As for Leeds, promotion via the playoff would have been a possibility, perhaps even a reality, if the team never bottled it like Arsenal. In fact, this would most likely be a key motivation for the Welsh Monk to prove a point. He may not have said it out, but the cold hard truth can't fool me. Let alone himself.

3. Accusations of money being the driving force would only be complicated by the fact that there's an Elland Sean joining him. No, I'm not bs'ing like what the Sun did during the Hillsborough disaster. I'm no journalist, but I'm telling the truth here.

4. I won't be surprised if the Ambitious One is also a charismatic one. From Swansea to Leeds, from one end of Yorkshire to the other side. It seems that said charisma actually showed in his backroom staff. Hence, me using backroom clergy to describe them.

Out, out, and out (plus an out and out winger)

Out goes Viktor "will he make Mainz his kingdom?" Fischer. This is a Danish prince who promised to be a king. Alas, he was deemed nothing more than Hrunting used against Grendel's mam.

Out will surely go Stewart "all the best to him and not going down" Downing. This is a "club legend" who promised a Return of the King. Alas, he was deemed more of a Faramir than Aragorn. Not to mention as well an ICBM fired from the south to the north.

Out will definitely go Gastón "hope he will revive El Bestia Bello in him" Ramírez. The less said about Leicester and whatever Shakespearean news of dressing room skullduggery, the better. Last time I checked, he was more of a Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and less of a Ramírez from the Highlander. At worst, he's more of a Gaston from Berserk and nothing like Guts himself.

Interestingly enough, one name was never on the chopping block despite a dire need to have Chris "he made Walcott looked like Waffles the Cat" Waddle giving him tuition 24/7.

I'll be brutally frank here. Firstly, he lacks the finesse of Coman the Barbarian when it comes to the final ball. Interestingly enough, his pass success rate reads like 70.3%. Doesn't look like the kind of brainless fellow whom Waddle would want to toast alive like a waffle. The problem lies in the fact that for a player of his nature, 70.3% pass accuracy and zero assists should read like an outright criminal act against football. Call me harsh, but I don't see any common sense in this reality showboating.

But before we start laughing at the Welsh Monk and his equally ambitious backroom clergy, please jump to 2:16. Let me be candid here. I never finished seeing the vid because I don't need to. The reason why is very simple.

Let's talk about the scene at around 2:16 here. It's quite obvious that this lad is capable of winning the ball. It's only a matter of whether he can replicate what we've seen at 2:16 on a consistent basis. In the world of English football, no one is going to castigate you for a failed attempt at winning the ball. Yes, people will be mocking and simmering. But not for long provided you can prove it as a one-off freak accident. In wrestling, we got the half nelson. In football, is it too much for us to expect a Traoré 2:16 in the same way those Yanks would always remember Stone Cold Steve Austin's 3:16?

Then we have his mobility and trickery. The reason why he's able to wrongfoot the opposition lies in his centre of gravity. Built like an ox, nimble like a cat, but he needs to fight like a wolf in its pack. I don't need to finish watching the vid to understand the circular nature of his footwork. That's how he threw the opposition off their feet and on their arses. Sometimes, the movement may be more subtle. Then, there were moments where it's more visible. He doesn't just take the ball and run. He takes the ball, moves his feet a wee bit, and then BOOM! Gone in less than 60 seconds, way faster than Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift's relationship with Tom "his sis made the Witcher more famous" Hiddleston. Some may even say faster than Usain "the black lightning bolt" Bolt and Tyson "no Gay jokes on drugs pls" Gay combined.

Assuming no team would be dumb enough to throw a die on a player yet to prove his footballing brain, it's up to the Welsh Monk to make some decisions (then again, Le Professeur X may actually be that crazy since we all know he enjoys taking a gamble on the young and unproven) The fact that he was swift to make a statement of intent concerning the likes of Downing, Ramírez, and Fischer highlights a fact not so significant in comparison. Namely, he never said anything about Adama "not a Djimi" Traoré.

Playing ball, one pass at a time

I need to end this post asap. However, I need to point out the most important aspect. Namely, the (correct) strategy. When we talk about passing, it's either forward, backwards, or sideway (and no, diagonal doesn't count because it's technically either forward or backwards). It's important for the Welsh Monk to hammer home how important the first and second pass should be. However, it's not a must for both passes to go forward. So long either the first or second pass is going forward, it's good enough. In other words, both passes should never go backwards.

If the first pass is meant to set the tempo (i.e. a 10 yard pass so as to speak), then the second pass should be a statement of intent (i.e.. a pass longer than 10 yards out). If the first pass is meant to tell the players to attack en masse, the second pass should be shorter in order to create a stranglehold in the final third. This is why while it's not a must for both passes to go forward, it also means both passes should never go backwards.

And lastly, let's talk about Steve

Not that creative guano loco icon known as Steve Jobs, but rather Steve "Boro Steve II" Agnew. Where will he go? A few days ago, His Royal Majesty Steve held talks with the previous three. Namely, Agnew, Jonathan "he will always man the gates" Woodgate, and Leo "he's Uruguayan, last name sounds like a Serb" Percovich.

Woodgate has been officially given the keys to being the assistant coach. Not the first team, but rather the Academy. Granted it's a small step forward, but you don't expect a toddler to start running like a twelve-year-old kid.

For Percovich, I fear the worst for him. Out of the three, he's the one person most strongly linked to the previous regime. Having no one stepping in as the assistant head coach means the Welsh Monk would settle for nothing less than his own man. Yes, BFF Pep has gone to Oxford where 12th July will surely be a day to remember for a pair of brothers-in-arms. However, that also means a Pep sized gap waiting to be filled. Simply put, why would the Welsh Monk run the risk of sending the wrong message after getting rid of certain players?

Boro Steve II will most likely the pick for assistant head coach. The reason why being that he's never a Spanish man. In fact, he's more of a Boro man due to how highly those higher up think of him. In other words, circumstances are in his favour more than the other two. At the same time, it seems that he needs more understanding when it comes to striking a balance between the defence and midfield. In fact, this was exactly what happened when he attempted a (Craig) Shakespeare. He was virtually floundering between the Spanish way of defending and his own way of doing a five man midfield. I truly doubt it's a coincidence that we played our better football under him when he did a 3-5-2.

As if a Pep sized gap isn't enough a cause for concern, we have a scouting system demolished to ground zero. The appointment of Victor "blame him for signing Viktor Fischer" Orta was a disaster which promised too much. On paper, there's nothing wrong. Or at least there shouldn't be. Problem was, things really went wrong like how Pompeii was buried under a deluge of ash and lava so many years ago. What this means is very simple. Until we hear something substantial coming from His Royal Majesty Steve and his royal court of advisers, I won't put it past Boro Steve II being tasked with a heavier burden. Namely, doing what the likes of Dave "Boro Dave" Parnaby and Ron "no boner jokes pls" Bone have been doing so faithfully for N years.

P.S: Despite the somewhat ambitious nature (and timing) of this post, I'm not crazy enough to try filling in a Pep sized gap in the current Boro dressing room. Then again, I prefer identifying myself with Rhaegar Targaryen if my beloved Boro should be identified with the Targs. You know the deal between him and Lyanna Stark instead of some Targaryen maiden.

Bella Signora, Hermosa Señorita, and Vincent "Tan Sri" Tan (basically my take on the CL finale)

Yes, I'm back again after swearing myself off this blog until the premier league season is over and my beloved Boro relegated. Dark humour aside, it's really gutting to see Alan "Captain Geordie" Shearer snickering over this fact. Let's face it, folks. He's a Geordie. Period. Interestingly enough, a protracted negotiation happening behind the scenes may not be the end of the world. Something tells me that Gibbo has more things to think about than we'd otherwise believe.

For now, let us focus on the greatest showpiece event in European football.

Cardiff as the venue=Vincent Tan Kuku no more

I know Tan Kuku sounds like some kind of vulgarity. I also know Tan Kuku sounds a bit like the father of Tan Peipei. No. Hell no. Tan Kuku is neither a Hokkien vulgarity nor the name of some beautiful Tan. Tan Kuku means "wait long long". Ah, the vulgar beauty of Singlish. It's like someone telling Prince Harry that calling a person by the name Willy is perfectly okay since not many Singaporeans actually know the British version of... well, Willy.

Please don't click the vid unless you're mentally prepared for NFSW content. It's already bad enough to imagine my future girlfriend being a Hokkien as well instead of being a Cantonese...

Enough of the nonsense, let's talk some serious stuff here. Namely...

Defying history (and the accomplishment of Julius Gaius Caesar as well)

Will this season mark the start of real greatness for Real Madrid? Will the real Madrid stand up tall in this battle of middle third supremacy? If there's anything we can glean from this season of Los Blancos, it'd be bragging rights going to the much-hated twin of Los Rojiblancos. Diego "El Lobo" Simeone is a wonderful tactician and an exceptional man-motivator, let me be this frank. However, it seems that parking the bus is no longer in the vogue. At least not for Los Rojiblancos. El Dinero may have gotten himself the real deal for Real Madrid. Namely, a French genius who has a score to settle with the Romans.

A lot will hinge on Cristiano "Man of Steel" Ronaldo. In the world of modern football, Ronaldo's ability to affect the match via a larger than life charisma alone is second only to Zlatan "I send entire nations into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović. When it comes to the perfect tandem of physical excellence and tactical awareness, I can only identify Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba as the other specimen of footballing perfection. A real monster of a player who is no different than a Tesla girl having the brains of a Tesla guy. It is like what an ex of his said about him here.

Let me be this frank, Ronaldo represents the difference separating Los Blancos and La Signora Omicidi. Yes, Zizou does have Gareth "#GB11" Bale in case there's a need for a smash-and-grab bailout. But let's be honest here.

1. Bale is reportedly not at 100% fighting fit status.

2. Bale is fast and a grafter, he's Batman of the team. In terms of footballing instinct and sheer power, there can only be one Man of Steel. A little wonder why Ronaldo should also be known as O Animal.

The fairy tale of Turin

When we talk about Turin, two things come to mind: Juventus and the Shroud of Turin. When we talking about the word park, a few things come to mind: Park "not Samsung" Ji-sung, Park "why always Park?" Shin-hye, and Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte parking 5 Roman sons of a gun across the midfield last year.

The last part is definitely the mainstay of Juventus. More specifically, the tactical mainstay of Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri. It's been a breathtaking turnaround, a Cinderella tale in a cutthroat industry no different from the Korean way of showbiz life.

Imagine this: you're a no-hoper to your parents and even your younger sister. The girls you had a crush on saw you as some creepy stalker, a pervert even. People called you 'siao", your AS1 Steve didn't think you'd be able to score a date. Then out of nowhere, you managed to prove your mettle. People started taking note of your tactical prowess, something honed by years of steel and fire. You have that sexy Tesla girl holding a torch for you, her light green cleavage-baring top a blatant show of intent. You finally got yourself a beautiful girlfriend who is also rich and intelligent. Not mention being a local Singaporean like you as well.

Above story will be a fitting script for a Mediacorp drama. For Il Fortezza, it's actually not so drama. But it's still a roller coaster ride. Who can forget the ignominy of throwing away a 2-0 lead against Barcelona years ago? The ordinary Singaporean may not remember this, but I do (mainly because I have the memory of Sir A. Fergie). It wasn't a pretty sight for the San Siro faithful, I suspected the only Romans gloating over this massive collapse are those supporting that other Milan. And of course, it didn't help that AC Milan wasn't able to regain their swag after that defeat. In a strategic sense, the crushing walloping dished out by Team Blaugrana threatened to destroy his career for good.

Fast forward to this season and the irony couldn't be any more apparent. Not only did Il Fortezza make revenge a dish truly best served cold, the fortunes of Barcelona is now more of a roller coaster than what we're seeing in Juventus right now. This is definitely something which would make Glenn "smartest man in the room" Hoddle look like a prophet if his karma comment was directed at somewhere else.

Make no mistakes about it. This is not just a tactical match between Le Zizou and Il Fortezza. It is also a battle between a master tactician and a monster of a player. More than Le Zizou battling the Roman fire, Il Fortezza will be bearing the brunt of the Iberian onslaught.

Where the match shall be won

I need to sleep soon. One problem my parents always have with me is a case of adrenaline rush no different from that of a Roman genius who managed to make a jilted beauty feel loved again. I'd like to say more, but... well, you get the drift.

The battle will be won and lost in two areas. Los Blancos will most likely want to seize the initiative in the central midfield, after which play will be distributed to the flanks. Across the back, there will be a need to be aggressive in winning the ball. More than the midfield, the backline will have to be quick. Juventus is now a team second to none in terms of off-the-ball organisation. In fact, Le Zizou will need his team to play the ball forward like a Roman genius at times (read: playing the ball forward from the back in an inverted horseshoe crab manner).

As for La Signora Omicidi, the midfield will be that make-or-break zone. The onus on Il Fortezza is deciding how far the midfield must push. On one hand, forcing the ball from the midfield to the backline will be the key to victory or defeat for him. On the other hand, he will need to look out for Los Blancos breaking up the pressure anywhere across the back. At the same time, the midfield must be fast enough to track back, win the ball, and strangle the midfield. The team in pure white can afford to boss the ball via the back 4 more so long the midfield can track back to collect the ball. But for that team in black and white, they can't afford to do the same thing because Los Blancos is a team much vaunted for its ability to control the match via a four by two (numerically speaking, no racial derision intended) and aggressive pace down the flank.

My daring prediction?

I know the story of Il Fortezza will resonate with a lot of people. In fact, it also resonates with my own life story as well, sexy local Tesla girl or no sexy local Tesla girl. From a tactical view, however, I Bianconeri has proven itself a tougher nut to crack than Los Rojiblancos in the same way Il Fortezza is now up there with El Lobo in terms of motivation and organisation. Against Barcelona, the defence held firm. Against Monaco, the Roman fortress of Turin remained unbreached. As for Los Blancos, I can't help but feel more than just a wee bit of fragility somewhere. Against Bayern Munich at home, El Dinero earned his big money bragging rights for a good reason: 4 goals scored. On the first glance, it looked pretty. That is until we saw that other team of continental millionaires scoring 2 goals in reply. If it's in that Teutonic arena known as Die Allianz Arena, then it'd be a cause for alarm for the Teutons. Problem was, the goals were leaked at La Santiago Bernabéu. I don't care what the score was in the first leg. If it's 2 goals leaked at home, it shouldn't be looked down at. Against Los Rojiblancos, the only reason why El Lobo lost to that Frankish Saladin was due to a disastrous first leg. Strategically, one could even say Los Rojiblancos were dealt a cruel hand. Imagine what would have happened if the first leg was at La San Mamés instead of La Santiago Bernabéu.

Trust me, Il Fortezza will be reading this post. Erm.. I mean reading the opponent's past matches. Most notably what went wrong for the Frankish Saladin against the Teutons and Los Rojiblancos.

Last minute edit: Nearly forgot to add this. Might as well add some hilarity after the Shrey Bhargava incident and what my friend's (rumoured) SIA colleague said.

If Juventus really manages to clear the final hurdle, the schadenfreude in me will want to dedicate the win to the newly wed couple of Yu Xian and Lee Min. 😂😈😼