4 years later... (Group C)

Firstly, I'm gonna break character for this post. You see, I've included images of beautiful girls along the whole "maybe they should don their country's jersey if their countrymen win this year." Then I went ballistic just now over something heinous happening at Stanford. Therefore, I'm going to force myself to be far more of a strategist than per normal. After all, perhaps my ancestor was truly him.

Group of C=Group of See

When I say "see", I don't mean the Holy See. I'm referring to the Hokkien term for death/die. In short, this group is actually far more of a group of death than we otherwise thought. This is not your seekina group, any team can easily pop up a surprise never before seen ever since Ned Stark died. On the first glance, it looks straightforward. Germany will surely be the favourites. After all, La Furia Roja won the World Cup six years ago, after which they won the Euro two years later. In fact, I'd say Die Nationalelf is my second pick to win after Les Bleus (despite lacking an Algerian bloke up front, I'm pretty sure that black bloke will do his job nicely). However, their recent form is now fluctuating like the American economy so far in the last 4 years (something which the Democrats will use gleefully to their advantage since every Bush is a Republican. The less said about Romney's disastrous campaigning strategy, the better). Across the sea, the Northern Gaels will not be around to make up the numbers. The last team in the group is the "birthplace" of Geralt of Rivia, namely Poland.

Let me be this frank, folks. The Gaels from the north are determined to be the party pooper, the Poles of Kaer Morhen will want to do this to their most hated foe ever since A.Hitler decided on a final solution.

Before I kick off my analysis...

Let me express my surprise and gratitude to a nation which gave birth to three outstanding individuals.

I know plenty of my fellow local Singaporeans know a bit about tennis and football. As for the last guy holding an axe, his name is Andrzej "I make wolves even more badass" Sapkowski. Bet only 1% of Singapore know him. *shrugs*

For the past two posts, one nation decided that my analysis is truly valuable. Namely Kaer... erm, I mean Poland. Despite this being a foreign blog (after all, not every Pole speaks English in the same way not every English speaks French), the Poles decided that my nonsense is actually worth their time. In other words, they must have seen something in me which my fellow Singaporeans failed to see. *shrugs*

Credit to the one where it is due

http://euro2016.tsn.ca/news/euro-2016-preview-group-504099

I discovered the above URL by sheer luck. With any further luck, this post may easily change the game for this group.

Die Nationalelf

Surely the favourite to top the group, let alone going through to the next stage. In Joachim "not high" Löw, the Germans must be feeling optimistic. From Bavaria to Hamburg, all eyes will be expecting their beloved Saxon heroes to win the title. In a sexy manner, no less. Under Löw's leadership, truly this team of towering Saxons are playing a sexy brand of counter-attacking football. Practical and pleasing to the eye, it's like me having my dream girl as my local Singaporean girlfriend.

And therein lies the catch: Something went wrong somewhere. Recent form is anything but assuring. To make things worse, Marco "der Zeus" Reus has officially withdrawn from the national reckoning. If it's true that the defensive width is becoming a problem, then the next best thing Der Löw can do is to emulate Aitor "El Calvario?" Karanka. In other words, creating a flat back 4 with the aim of playing the ball from the back. If you can't get them forward, at least let them play it forward.

Apart from sorely missing (?) Philipp "Der Kanone" Lahm, another problem for Der Löw is replacing Der Zeus on the left. This is where Mario "the white Super Mario" Götze comes into the picture. Neglected by Pep, a hero created by Löw. Such is his story so far. If he wants to impress his new foreign talent boss, he will get a chance no better than this tourney. Carlo "Signor San Siro" Ancelotti is someone who will most likely adopt a more languid style of football where the team will most likely be playing like a graceful signora unlike the passionate señorita under Pep or the plucky dame under Jupp "I first made Karanka famous, not that Portuguese" Heynckes. Either that or he will replace someone from the Kop.

Then we have a forgotten man. Nearly forgotten if not for two reasons. The first one is the one below.

The second reason why that forgotten man is nearly forgotten instead of totally forgotten lies in his most recent run-out. In Germany's last friendly, Bastian "Der Bastion" Schweinsteiger may have shown 50 shades of his former glory never seen since 4 years ago. While it's too early to assume whether we will eventually see 100 shades of Der Bastion instead of just half the amount, his presence assured the entire team. Which comes to the most important aspect of Der Löw's career. Whether Die Nationalelf will hit an all-time high or a rock bottom low depends greatly on the holding mid area. By creating an effective mortar partnership as the glue, Germany can go far. Perhaps even winning the trophy. Do the central mid wrongly and everyone, from Bavaria to Hamburg, will most likely turn from white to yellow. If I have accidentally offended any East Asian currently living Germany, Bavaria or Hamburg, I offer you my apologies. And yes, that includes those from Singapore as well.

Жовто-Син

If this word seems like some sort of elven rune, be assured that it's Ukrainian. Yes, we now have the Ukrainians. Firstly, let me apologise for the fact that I glossed over their presence just now. It's like me forgetting Ross "not Charles" Barkley. I'm being serious here, not sarcastic.  For too long, this country has been experiencing all kinds of turmoil. From Blokhin's New Jersey salute to Crimea and Donetsk, the Slavic Dynamo has been in the news for all the wrong reason. Will this be their chance at last? Their chance for redemption finally? Two players stand out apparently. Namely Yehven "I prefer tapas to fish and chips" Konoplyanka and Andriy "Shevchenko?" Yarmolenko. The former represents the kind of flair Unai "I officially made unagi sushi out of Liverpool" Emery has been all about. The latter, on the other hand, represents 50 shades of Sheva.

Because I know far less about the Slavic Dynamo than their Saxon rivals, let me just out what they need to do if they want to spring a Ukrainian surprise. Firstly, they need to play the ball forward fast. If not for the MH17 tragedy, I'd have used Crimea as a tactical example. Either way, the Slavic Dynamo should get the drift. To ensure such a strategy work, however, they must be defensive stout throughout the spine. In other words, they'll need the centre-backs and central midfield to play at their finest best. If they can perform as if regional peace depends on the result, then I won't put it past them pulling off a Slavic Express. Given it's an ex-defender named Mykhaylo "defence on form" Formenko being the manager, it's actually possible.

The Norn Iron

Otherwise known as the Gaels from the north, the Northern Irish managed a feat not even the genius of George "best of the best from Belfast" Best was able to accomplish. The late Sir Matt Busby may have made a Northern Irish famous, but Michael "let's call him Martin as well" O'Neill may have made every Northern Irish famous. Before this current edition of Euro Championship, Northern Ireland is arguably more famous for a deceased genius and all the fine ale. Then was yesterday, now is today. And what is today to the Norn Iron?

http://typemoon.wikia.com/wiki/Ionioi_Hetairoi

Like an army under the banner of Bro-skander, the Norn Iron will show no fear. In fact, there's nothing much for them to fear. They will enter the tourney blessed with nary an expectation. It's like expecting my beloved Boro to win the league next season. No chance in hell, bro. I'm not going to be dumb enough to expect the Gaels to emulate the lords of Leicester. But am I brave enough to assume they may progress at least until the knockout stage? (sounds rather short a journey, but that's because you're not from Belfast) They will surely park their Irish bus, mark my words when I say this will be what every Irish is gonna do.

The last name of O'Neill can never be any more ironic than today. Both O'Neills are managing the Irish, both O'Neills advocate the Irish way of parking the bus. While the absence of Chris "not Gunter" Brunt will affect the team, I doubt the entire nation will bear the brunt of such a disaster. No Brunt, never mind. So long the midfield and defence stay compact, the northern Gaels are fine to slug it out. In Kyle "not from South Park" Lafferty, the Norn Iron has its own source of LOL in the 20 yard box. So long the team keeps pumping the artillery over the halfway line, that's enough. Do not expect a Russell "not Lee" Crowe moment though.

A/N: Hopefully this analysis won't come back and haunt me. What if I just copy, paste, and modify this section to explain what the other O'Neill will do for the other Irish team? #selfperfectionist

Biało-czerwoni

Lastly, we now arrive at Poland. Surely this will be one hell of a derby, for the relationship between Poland and Germany is no different from Singapore's relationship with Malaysia. We got football, we got history, this is the closest thing we'll ever get to watching our Lions XII once more. After all, Scotland failed to qualify and I happen to know Mel Gibson's most famous movie apart from the Lethal Weapon series and The Passion of Christ. At this point of time, I'm sure the Poles are smelling blood. After all, it's been a long time since Leo "the old lion" Beenhakker took over the Polish reins. 10 years to be exact (okay, that's technically wrong since he's already in Poland before landing in Germany).

Like the northern Gaels, the national burden will be placed on Robert "will he be Lews Therin Telamon?" Lewandowski. A deadly finisher of the ball blessed with a physical presence, it'd still be folly to assume the Poles will just try to do a long ball poleaxe. Their coach is a relative unknown named Adam "not the first man" Nawalka. This will surely work in their favour, not the least because of whatever I'm unable to write.

Their campaign trail so far is no different from that other team in the group. For an unknown coach, Nawalka did quite well. Exceeding expectations, in fact. Beating the Germans 2-0 has to be their finest moment of revenge since taking part in Operation Overlord more than 50 years ago.

From the report gleaned via the internet, it seems that the Poles enjoy overlapping from the right. This can become terribly predictable as the opponent will know sooner or later how to neutralise this strategy. Case in point: I can just make those full grown Poles cry by telling my midfield to lock down the right. From the back till the halfway line, no less.

The Poles will need to create a defensive balance in any two of their midfield dept. Either the right and centre, right and left, or left and centre. This is to minimise the risk of getting sucker punched. In fact, all the other 3 teams in this group are capable of easily doing just that.

Another problem lies in the mental aspect. They have that unwanted tag of chokers. Like Cardiff before Malky "I don't wear red, I only wear blue" Mackay, they will always be more than capable of making A.Hitler rant non-stop.

Will they break the choking duck? Will they come out good at last? Will they even win this year's Euro at the expense of the Germans? If Poland can do any of the three, it means national holiday on the cards.

4 years later... (Group B)

Okay, so someone had taken my sports pullout today. I don't know who, but that person is not gonna stop me from continuing my Euro 2016 analysis. At the end of the day, my aim still remains the same: To finish all 6 groups by 10th of this month.

A/N: Actually come to think of it, perhaps there's really an outsider doing a legal housebreak. For all I know, it might be a girl and my entire family have officially regarded her as part of the... well, family. I've seen too many stuff being bought for the past 3 years or so. I know my mother very well, there's no chance in hell she'd buy branded toiletry. That's why I never trusted her whenever she mentioned the word 'sale".

England or Engrand?

Don't we all love to hate this team? From the Three Lions of yore to the Three Pussy Cats of the recent years, you can bet your quid on an Anglo-Saxon Titanic. For too long, they had flattered too much to deceive. For too long, the dressing room was all about who got the hottest WAG (perhaps even a little wager on whether Emma "Duchess of Megawatts" Watson will be part of the WAG family). Definitely for too long, Wayne "no longer a looney" Rooney is seen as England in the same way the late Mr Lee Kuan Yew is still seen as Singapore.

England may have the most entertaining top flight football, but that's only due to the foreign legion coming in like what is happening in Singapore right now. By my own estimation, virtually at least 70% of the English players are still playing in the Championship (ironically, that's where local talents like Gary "not Lim" Rowett, Eddie "give this bloke a knighthood" Howe, and Chris "will he do a Me Gusta! Poyet next season?" Hughton.first made their mark). Sounds incredulous? Believe me, I've been observing Championship football for years ever since Gareth "Beaumains?" Southgate realized that being a good manager wasn't just about being tactically smart. Before Bournemouth went up and stayed up, I already noticed Howe as a local diamond buried in the seashore. If you're capable of playing attacking football against a superior team in the same division, it means something. To set the record straight, Howe did exactly just that when Mogga was still our gaffer in the hot seat. Match ended up 0-0, a local talent was born that day.

Favourite or a dark horse?

I don't know what Greg "not Davies" Dyke was smoking when he declared England to be one of the favourites to lift the cup. Perhaps Louis 'King Louis XVII" van Gaal may have given Mr Dyke something to smoke about. After all, Ali G really did that. Much to the people's amusement and the parliament's chagrin (not to mention Neil "not Patrick Harris" Hamilton's embarrassment as well). In a flashback amounting to the outright surreal, Dyke actually did an Aladeen when the draw for World Cup 2014 came out (i.e. England would eventually end up like King Louis XVI. Which we all know is the cold hard truth). So why made Aladeen Greg so optimistic this time round?

Qualified for Kanzen Shouri

Going undefeated in the qualifying stage may seem like a joyous occasion, but cynics would be more than happy to point out that the nearest thing to a threat back then was a nation more famous for the cheese and high quality living standard. Nothing should be taken for granted here. Even though Ottmar "I made football famous in a tennis nation" Hitzfeld may have departed, Switzerland still remains somewhat an unknown factor in this year's Euro.

A look at England's group would throw up a couple of interesting teams. While it remains to be seen whether the Russian Slavs will make it through (iirc finishing below Austria still doesn't feel right to me). Slovakia and Wales, however, may easily be the surprise package. The Welsh have enjoyed living a Cinderella's tale thus far, something never before seen since Brendan "the Jargonman" Rodgers managed Swansea. As for the Slovakian Slavs, it's far more plausible for us to associate them with Daniela "not Lopez" Hantuchová. It's an interesting group in a racial sense. We have two nations where the white people have been around way longer than the blacks, we have two people associated with Winston Churchill and Joe Stalin respectively. Not to mention Anglo-Saxons vs the Slavs as well.

England's first game may very likely be the most important one. If Slovakia can emulate what Joe Stalin did to A.Hitler more than 50 years ago, then anything can happen. If Wales can surprise the sceptics like what Swansea did last time round, then anything can happen. Let's just face it, guys. Russia was arguably punching below their weight whereas Slovakia and Wales ended up punching above their weight. Nothing less than 3 pts is a must. Anything less and that angmoh Roy will start swearing like a real Brit again. Actually come to think of it, even an angmoh Italian knows how to swear.

Houston, we got a problem here

José "O Especial" Mourinho once famously said that Pepe has a problem and that problem has a name. It's called Raphaël Varane. Likewise, Roy "not yet of the Rovers" Hodgson also has a problem. That problem has a name. And it's NOT called Wayne Rooney.

I didn't watch their friendly match against Portugal, but I saw his starting 11. Let me be this frank: It's the stuff of formation nightmare. While I don't agree formation is everything, understanding who plays where can give us at least an inkling of an idea. Let me be this brutally frank by saying Hodgson screwed up in the firing squad dept. When I saw Rooney playing at the centre with Harry "the goal hurricane" Kane and Jamie "life of the party" Vardy played out wide, I was like "no wonder even a Chelsea centreback can outscore you all". It's utterly absurd, a decision that smacks of populist strategy. Who was Hodgson trying to please? Rooney? Or the fans? Either way, I still call this a populist strategy.

Let's be honest with ourselves. What makes us think that Kane is Arjen "will he still remain as Robin" Robben and Vardy is Luis "still tak lugi" Suárez? There's zero width available, the attack was blunt no thanks to Fernando "not Torres" Santos knowing what to do even before the ball was kicked. This was something plagiarised from Pep's disastrous strategy two seasons ago. Ironically, both Pep and Roy were facing Portuguese opposition. For Pep, it's Porto. For Roy, it's Porto's country.

By adopting a narrow battering ram approach, the burden of attacking down the width would naturally go down to the fullbacks. Against a defensively fragile team, this may easily end up 5-0 to England. The only problem? Santos ain't a slouch when it comes to defensive excellence. Remember folks, this was the guy who took over from Otto 'the defensive automaton" Rehhagel the reins of Greece. Against most of the teams in the tournament (or more specifically the other 3 teams in Group B), this isn't going to work. Case in point: I can easily tell my players to park an Irish bus and there's nothing Roy can do about it.

Not only that, a swift counterattack from any attack-oriented team like France, Germany, and Spain can easily spell the end for Engrand as well.

4-3-3=9, 4-2-3-1=10

Hodgson has to make a harsh decision asap. Should he drop two and keep one? Or should he drop one and keep two? This depends on the formation he'll most likely use. Unlike the stereotypical English manager, he doesn't really play two flat banks of four. Or rather, he only did that once 4 years ago. The drop-and-pick mathematics is basically a case of Rooney, Kane, and Vardy.

Hodgson can opt for a 4-2-3-1 where most likely we'll see a drop one and pick two approach. If he plays 4-3-3, then he must adopt a drop two and pick one.

Because 4-3-3 is too straightforward...

I decided to explore the strategic possibilities behind 4-2-3-1 where Roy can easily include Rooney without swearing in front of the camera for once. I won't be going through 4-3-3 because Hodgson has proven to us that England is better off using 1 forward and 2 wingers.

Assuming Rooney starts...

Most likely he'll be deployed as a deep-lying no.10. The goals may have started drying up since 12 years ago, but the combative streak remains. Ideally, he shouldn't be running non-stop between the final third and 2nd third. In order to fully utilise his strength, Hodgson should put him as both the main ball anchor and commander. Right now, England needs to stabilise the midfield. After all the talk about defensive frailty, I wasn't amused to see John "will he be stoned?" Stones running the risk of getting stoned by Gary "not Tim" Cahill. If you want to be a hero, fine by me. But if you chose to disregard your defensive partner's instruction, then be careful. The nightmare show put up against Turkey may not be 100% about 4 blokes across the back. Such blatant contempt for instructions should not be tolerated. If you have one disruptive influence out of 4 blokes available, the risk of a disjointed defence will be very real. Stones may be good enough, but is he old enough? From what I've read in the report, I have to say no. Good enough, yes. Old enough, no. Someone needs to gag the media asap over the whole "good enough=old enough" nonsense. It's the kind of rubbish journalism never before seen since Hillsborough. Period. I'm pretty sure Mourinho wasn't amused as well.

Back to no.10. A lot has been said about the selection headache between Vardy and Kane, but it will be the no.10 position which will be that Siege Perilous. Apart from Rooney, we have two ideal candidates for the job.

If you're an Adeler (i.e. a fan of Adele), you may not be able to take a joke. Beyond that, plenty of pundits are most likely making plenty of noise over Dele "run like a black, sting like a hornet" Alli. Surely he is the next Gazza! Surely he will be the next Zizou! Surely he will be the next Casemiro! (okay, the Casemiro part may have been too much a hyperbole here). This lad plays a bit like Pogba, I have to say. Like Pogba, he possesses raw strength. Unlike Pogba, he's most likely not the kind of guy to anchor the ball 24/7.  Yes, he's good technically. Yes, he can hold down the ball. But what is his greatest strength? Ruthless aggression. If Hodgson is to let him out, it'll be like unleashing a rabid bulldog against the opponent midfield. A more aggressive version of Jack "Gunner Jack" Wilshere. And we all know the media enjoy screaming "GAZZAAAAAAAA!!!!!" every now and then. If Alli is to play in the hole, then Vardy should start as the main striker. Vardy may not have the predatory instinct of Kane, but he got pace. If Vardy uses his pace correctly, Alli won't have to run all over the pitch like Rooney frothing in the mouth. That will make things easier for Hodgson and life more difficult for the opponent midfield.

Ignore the German, I'm talking about that English lad now. Skilful and versatile, Adam "not lalas" Lallana is someone who can operate either at the wing or as the no.10. If Alli is the male equivalent of Serena "Her Black Majesty" Williams, then Lallana is the male equivalent of Belinda "tak benci" Bencic. If this guy starts as the no.10, then Kane will definitely be a damn happy hurricane. If the Alli-Vardy tandem is all about aggression and pace, then the Lallana-Kane duo is more about control and finish. So what about this bloke below?

Nothing makes an Evertonian's day like this meme above. While I've commented about Rooney's contribution, surely people will be asking who to drop if Rooney will really start as a deep-lying no.10 ala 4-2-3-1.

For me, either Kane and Vardy can do equally well. Vardy's pace will ensure a more direct approach where 90% of the play will go through the centre. If it's Kane, then Hodgson may have to play ball like the French. The reason why for the latter case is very simple: Kane can score like a hurricane, but he can't move fast enough like a tropical storm. Starting Kane with Rooney means Hodgson has to find a way to create a stranglehold from one offensive width to the other end. Most likely that will mean Lallana on the right at the very least.

A case for defence?

England will do well to pressure the opponent right from the get-go. A lot has been said about a fragile backline, but I don't find anything woefully wrong with the attacking dept. Hodgson has plenty of options, 90% of which are physical in nature. Hodgson has to shatter his own shackles if he wants to do the same for players like Rooney, Vardy, and Kane (not to mention Alli as well). The starting 11 against Portugal betrayed a shocking extent of the straightjacket imposed. As a result, the middle 3 got stuck in limbo. If they went forward, there's a risk of break-and-counter. If they stayed back, there may not be enough support for the central 3. At the same time, he needs to be ruthless. While that doesn't necessarily mean dropping Rooney to the bench, at least it means choosing the unlucky bloke(s) in the process.

As for the defence, I personally prefer Kyle "not Naughton" Walker and Danny "not Glover" Rose as the fullbacks. Familiarity may breed contempt, but it will surely breed understanding as well. The role of the fullbacks this time round should be very straightforward: To sustain a flat line of 4. As for the central partnership, it should still be Cahill and Chris "he ain't small, he's Smalling" Smalling.

On the holding midfield dept, this is where Hodgson needs to make the right call. Assuming he will do a 4-2-3-1, it means there must be an effective triangle of steel in the middle. Otherwise, doing a 4-3-3 should mean having one bloke out of three playing the link up without any worry of passing the ball down the centre 90% of the time.

As for the other 3 teams, here's some eye candy ready to don their national colours

Tatyana Kotova (Russia)

Daniela Hantuchová (Slovakia)

Behnaz Akhgar (Wales)

P.S: to Ryan Ng: I still remember that rugby tackle you gave me during our church camp. Who do you think I am? Aaron Ramsey? If I'm really that Ramsey, I'd already be doing the ammo and midfield support for the correct Bale.

P.S to Mr Dyke: Because I feel the need to further galvanise your country, I decided to add in a certain somebody so that you'll have a beautiful lady donning the Three Lions jersey for the entire day should England really win.

4 years later... (Group A)

We only have around 6 days more for the continental showpiece of Europe. As it turned out, I'm now racing against time because I need to finish my analysis on all 6 groups by 10th of this month. Therefore, please bear with my banal posts for the next 1 week or so.

Before that...

I need to say a few things on my country's standard of football. As every Singaporean would point out, Bernd "not der schlange" Stange may not be the correct bloke for us after all. I understand his desire to up the stakes, but there's a reason behind why we're still stuck in our very own grandfather's football.

Lack of quality infrastructure:

This has to be the most damning proof that Singaporean football is just not good enough technically. Under Raddy "the daddy" Avramović, we're guilty of playing our game under Tony "not the police" Pulis. I'm pretty sure a lot of my fellow S'poreans still recalled fondly our Suzuki Cup success under his leadership. However, we're also the long ball team to look out for as a result. One of the greatest (if not the greatest) point of debate lies in National Service. However, it can also be counter-argued that South Korea also has a compulsory military system so as to speak. In other words, whether NS is the problem remains as a moot point. Let's just face it, guys. Our infrastructure isn't good enough. In a society where everyone is hungry for success in 60 secs, there's no chance in hell we can call ourselves a technical team. No one asked us to play like Barca, but we should also understand why Thailand has always come out on top of us. To rub insult to the injury, even Vietnam is now technically better than us. That wasn't the case during the 90s. So why are we still lagging behind?

Under the foreign talent scheme, we have our very own foreign talent success stories. Because we're talking about a team of local lions, we also have our very own local favourites. Yet, we cannot and should not expect the foreign legion to bail us out like what the EU has always done for Greece. If we need to prove ourselves on the regional stage, we need to find ways and means to evolve. Our current brand of football may be efficient, but it's definitely technically inferior to some of the ASEAN teams at the moment. The only reason why we're able to pull through so far is down to tactical discipline. This was why Raddy remained as our most successful coach, this is also why Sundram was able to get a result against Myanmar.

Honestly speaking, I don't see a future for our current senior players to make the cut technically. Yes, we have our very homegrown technical players, but is that enough? I find it gutting that our senior players had to thrive under a system where success spoke louder than infrastructure. In this sense, Stange actually committed a serious, if not a fatal mistake. That old bloke overestimated our players' ability to adapt. His win-lose-draw stats isn't about how poor he fared. Rather, I call it a damning assessment of our football. The media can talk about results until the cow comes home, but that will not hide the cracks already there since day 1.

A new generation:

It's high time for us to focus on youth. So far so good, our Young Lions have yet to prove themselves. I won't deny their potential, but I still feel that they're a bunch of cubs instead of their own namesake. When we looked at some of the success stories in the past few years, we still need to ask ourselves is the infrastructure good enough. By hiring the likes of Richard "not Cœur de Lion" Tardy and Michel "not Platini" Sablon, the FAS may have at last acknowledge the chronic problem of infrastructure. You can have the best academy in the region, but everything is merely nothing if your team can't even beat a Championship team. Case in point: Gary "not Lim" Rowett would have taken our senior squad to the cleaners 3 goals to none. Ultimately, we should just consign the current senior team to the history textbooks. After all, no one should expect a tortoise to swim like a turtle. Our new batch of players, on the other hand, may turn out to be another deal altogether. Youngsters can learn pretty fast especially when it comes to individual passion. Ultimately, this will be an arduous process. No one knows how long it will take. After all, it's not like upgrading your OS from Windows 3.1. to Windows 10.

To support or not to support:

Support is surely a vital ingredient to success. It's like cooking beef rendang. You need the meat, you also need to sauce. However, no one should be naive enough to say "oh, let's support our local football scene" and that's all. Singapore football needs to support, but it must also ensure this support will never be in vain. Take a look at my beloved Boro. If the Riverside was packed to the rafters, it's already a miracle. Match attendance so far has been nothing less than a hit-and-miss. However, there always have been plenty of support when it comes to their academy at Rockliffe Park. No many of my fellow Singaporeans would have known where Rockliffe Park is, let alone whether there's such a place. Consider the local talents churned out so far. Pedigree wise, these young lions would have devoured our very own Young Lions player for player. The problem with Middlesbrough is that this has always been an impoverished town cursed with recent troubles. The steel industry is still in a state of limbo, I can assure you that this means a lot to the locals. As for us Singaporeans, we do not have such worries. Yet, the quality of football in that poor little town in England actually outstrips the Singaporean standard. Taking things for granted has always been a problem for any first world country. And that includes us. Not to mention including our footballing scene as well. It's really a two-way traffic, a relationship which is mutual. I hope the FAS won't focus on pleasing the cynics and sceptics. Rather, the people there should just do their job in a manner befitting a footballing gentleman. Only by doing things right can the FAS prove itself right before the critics. It's going to be a long journey, it is best that we don't see the current positive signs as a sign from heaven above. It's one thing to draft a plan, quite another to say that plan will be a success. If you can't even be sure whether you'll die tomorrow, what makes us so sure that we can achieve success in a mere span of 5 years or so?

With the rant finally done...

Let's get on to business. Group A is most likely a foregone conclusion according to the pundits. We have the home nation out to outdo Portugal 12 years ago. We have two underdogs and one more team widely expected to finish second. Let me just do a brief analysis on the four teams of A. Hopefully I can finish this before 2am. It's already 1am now.

Les Bleus or Les Misérables?

I'm definitely not rich enough to watch an expensive musical, I'm only rich enough to watch Hugh "not Grant" Jackman and Russell "not Lee" Crowe on TV. Unless I get a local girlfriend who is rich, beautiful, and intelligent that is. Not mention being able to speak French as well.

Let's just face it, guys. Whether you're English, German, or Italian, you have to admit that Les Bleus is that most popular girl in the school right now. La Furia Roja may come close, but still Les Bleus remains as that most desirable girlfriend so as to speak. I've just seen the friendly match between Didier "he now knows what he's doing" Deschamps and Gordon "not Ramsey" Strachan. The score looks impressive, ditto for the team as well. However, it must also be said that Portugal could have done the same thing 12 years ago under exact circumstances.

So what must Les Bleus do in order to prevent another heartbreak ever since Le Professeur X decided to use his head quite literally against some Italian bloke? The absence of Karim "Le Benz" Benzema will still be a topic waiting to explode. Until Les Bleus can show that Olivier 'Le Chevalier d'Londres" Giroud can fit himself into the boots of Le Benz rather than just doing the laces, Deschamps will do well in devising a strategy where the goals can come from anywhere. You see, the problem with having a 20 goal per season cult hero lies in the danger of over-reliance. If you can score like that, it means you're the kind of player who can perform under pressure (either that or you're actually born an Inzaghi). Without such a player, the entire team will be forced to chip in. It'd be ideal for Les Bleus if they can boss the pitch from the back till the edge of the 20 yard box. If Giroud can do what le Benz has done all the while though, then I don't see any need for Deschamps to adopt this strategy.

Another player to look out for is Kingsley "not a Cimmerian" Coman. His last name may sound like the most famous barbarian in the fantasy genre, but a man of muscles he is not. The absence of Franck "Le Cicatrice" Ribéry will test Deschamps in a strategic sense. Despite aging like Roger "not the rabbit" Federer, numbers are incapable of crippling his exceptional reading of the game. This is the kind of guy who will always survive the 90 minutes' equivalent of a terrorist siege. If you want to take the ball off his feet, be prepared to be booked. Either that or you can only cripple him like what Ryan "no, not you Ryan Ng" Shawcross did to Aaron "again not a Gordon" Ramsey last time round. However, he wasn't included this time round. If Coman gets his chance to supplant the wing incumbent of the republic, he has to play without fear. He has the pace and technique. Like all the British national teams in Europe, France actually favours an orthodox wingplay despite cynics likening this approach to the Jurassic Park movies. However, there's another major player vital to the French cause. Namely this black guy below.

When Sir A.Fergie decided to release Gerard "not Houllier" Piqué, he may have never imagined Barcelona becoming a powerhouse in club football. When he did the same thing to Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba, he may have never imagined this fellow walking the footsteps of King Richard I. But becoming the black Richard Pogba did. Funnily enough, something was actually being said about some black invasion N years ago. That's most likely before Pogba popped up and hi though (apparently, some politician didn't have a decent pen around in the office *shrugs*). Fast forward to the present and Pogba is proving to his naysayers what they have been missing out all the while. Despite being a white, much credit should go to Antonio "you owe me an Euro and twenty cent" Conte. Football as a career is ever evolving. From a footballer to a football manager, from 1966 to 2016, you'll never even know whether you'll see me being Aitor "El Asedio" Karanka's strategist next season. The same goes for Pogba as well. Gifted with both raw power and refined technique, Les Bleus will be banking on how far he can hit the opponent's midfield box to box. To classify him as a defensive mid is nothing less than an insult. To call him a holding mid who can anchor possession anywhere on the pitch is a more accurate statement. Ultimately, Deschamps have to decide who to partner him in the middle of the park. If Pogba's game gets neutered in the middle of the second third, Les Bleus will be in deep trouble.

All eyes are on another deadly French, namely Antoine "white guy, black striker" Griezmann. The chief reason behind Los Rojiblancos' ability to pinch a smash-and-grab, I won't be surprised if someone actually likened him to Thierry "better than a white Reyes" Henry. Fast and aggressive, the only big difference between the two is their height (i.e. the white guy is shorter than the black striker). As someone who plays more like a sniper than a ball anchor, Deschamps has to make an important decision. Should he play two upfront or just one Giroud in the 20 yard box? This decision may easily make or break Les Bleus' dream of home glory, trust me on that. When it comes to form, Griezmann should get the nod ahead of his fellow French from the capital. Knowing Deschamps' strategic preference though, it's more likely to see Giroud starting instead.

Racist drama and Algerians

Le Benz is definitely not a happy Benz. Embroiled in a sex-related scandal N years after an underaged harlot somehow contrived to rock an entire nation, the closest thing you can get impact-wise is most likely to be the infamous Celebrity 101. While I do not know whether Jennifer "the current hot Jen" Lawrence has officially pressed charges against that original guy (i.e. the feds got him without telling us how and when), I do know that Mathieu "neither a Flamini nor a Debuchy" Valbuena is no Muslim. Let alone a black one.

The entire logic is very simple. While I can empathise with Le Benz's bitterness towards being axed from the national squad, it must be stated that including Le Benz means Deschamps will be forced to include Valbuena as well. Failure to do so can (and will) create a dressing room drama never before seen since 2010. Which now comes to Hatem "unrelated to Ben Hur" Ben Arfa.

You see, the cynics are most likely having fun with Ben Arfa instead of Le Benz. The reason why is down to two factors:

1. The Parisian terror attack last year

2. The fact that we're talking about two Muslim guys instead of just one.

Right now, Ben Arfa is being placed on standby. In other words, he will only be recalled if Deschamps experiences a freak injury crisis where half the midfield will be spending a few weeks (hopefully that is) in the FICU (i.e. Footballers' Intensive Care Unit). Of course plenty may have been said about his troubled past as a black Joey "better than Kieron Dyer and Lee Bowyer combined" Barton, but he's settling nicely at Nice right now. I don't think we will know the exact details (unless ofc if the FFF decided to say something), but at least we can hope Marine "not Le Stylo" Le Pen doesn't end up unsheathing her pen. After all, the pen is mightier than the sword in the same way a politician is mightier than a general.

Have to sleep now...

But before that, let me just compensate any guy who is feeling bummed out just because I left out my analysis for the other 3 teams. If any of the three wins the biggest continental prize since Eurovision, maybe these beautiful ladies should don their national colours for the entire day.

Egla Harxhi (Albania)

Simona Halep (Romania)

Belinda Bencic (Switzerland)

P.S to Deschamps: I really need sign off now. Think my parents are now really mistaking their son for an Italian. Monsieur, please mind the gaps between your centrebacks and fullbacks. Merci and bonne chance.

Placa Laureada de Madrid, Distintivo de Madrid

When I wake up for church tomorrow, I'll definitely know by then which Los won and which Los lost. Will it be Los Blancos? Or will it be Los Rojiblancos? Either way, San Siro will become the battlefield of the season (apart from Wembley ofc) and the fashion capital of Milan will become another football capital of Spain. If Zinedine "Le Professeur X" Zidane is Patrick "full of win" Stewart, then Diego "El Lobo" Simeone is Sir Ian "Gandalf isn't gay, Dumbledore is!" McKellen.

No one should expect the working class of Los Rojiblancos to have turkey with the elite class of Los Blancos.
Unfortunate for humanity, but fortunate for football.

Blame TNP, don't blame me

Unlike what happened recently, you shouldn't hold yours truly responsible if your favourite Madrid loses by tomorrow. The reason being why is that Deadpool doesn't play on either side. The only reason why he would join the X-Force may be down to Cable himself (just don't ask me whether Nathan Summers drives a Porsche or Jeep Cherokee). And yes, I know T.J "he made Weasel looks German" Miller may have made Liverpool even more famous at this point of time.

Just don't ask me whether Sazae is actually Korean just because you see Korean subtitles above.

Since TNP may have given me something to work on, I might as well expand upon what is being written thus far. After all, upgrading is a very S'porean thing. And that includes bloggers. At least for me anyway since I don't go around reading other people's blogs for fun.

3 areas highlighted by TNP-Formation

First, we have the formation. As a Spanish team, Los Rojiblancos actually play more like the English. In fact, the Los Rojiblancos approach is no different from the Leicester approach. The irony? El Lobo actually did that way before Il Volpe (note that I don't use La Volpe due to gender difference) took over the Foxes of England.

As a 4-4-2 team, Los Rojiblancos will always play deep. Win the ball+defend the ball=the winning XI. Straightforward, yes. Easy to deal with? Not really. If I know what you're thinking, it means I would have already limited your options beforehand. You may say there's only this much 4-4-2 can do for El Lobo, but it merely means Simeone knows this cold hard truth as well (which is why I always say he's Heather Chua's worst nightmare ever since the last genius to grace that ITE stage). It's called using the opponent's analysis against himself, it's basically reverse psychology in layman terms. Lest we forget, El Lobo is El Lobo. You don't call him El Perro (to those who understand Spanish, no Korean jokes pls. We Asians are already buckling under our very own dog-eat-dog educational environment).

As for Los Blancos, Zizou did the right thing by shoring up the defence. During José "O Especial" Mourinho's time, a certain Pepe (not to be confused with the Chinese name Pei Pei) once had a problem. That problem had a name and a different nationality, his name is Raphaël Varane and he's French. This time round, the tables are turned. No longer Pepe is the one having a problem. Rather, he's now having no problem playing under Le Professeur X even though he's a French. By adopting a 4-3-3, Zizou has created a strategy hinging heavily on controlling the game from the back. With a solid back 4 and Casemiro being the 5th man, is it any wonder that Real Madrid is now looking like the real deal of Europe ever since Vicente "doesn't think like van Gogh" del Bosque showed El Dinero what would eventually happen come 2010 and 2012?

Key players

I decided that there's only this much TNP can do for me in terms of shielding the blame. After all, the atmosphere at San Siro will be all about winners taking all. Sounds like the Milan derby, but the difference lies in what is literal (cup final derby) and what is figurative (i.e. league derby). Let us see Los Tres Amigos for who they really are.

First amigo on the list? Casemiro. If the referee is to be the 12th man of Camp Nou, then Casemiro will always be the 5th man of the Real backline. Zizou's tactic is basically two-fold. Discipline and responsibility, freedom and expression. The former is all about the defence. You can score like an army from Catalonia or an elite force from Bavaria, but you'll still lose if the opposition can hold fort like what the Rohirrim did during the Battle of the Hornburg. This lad may be young (he's actually 24), but that doesn't prevent him from being that Roy "take that, you *bleep*!" Keane of the moment. Of course, I'd like to include Patrick "the black Schwarzenegger (no racist jokes pls, I know a bit of German btw)" Vieira as well. Sadly, we already got Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba taking that claim.

Our second amigo on the list will be Gareth "the Batman" Bale. If Cristiano "yes, I know Brazilians speak Portuguese as well" Ronaldo is the Superman of Los Blancos, then Bale is that other DC character made even more famous by another Bale of Wales. He may not be that 超サイヤ人ゴッド we all are seeing in the image above, but that also means we shouldn't call Belinda "tak benci" Bencic as the next Martina "not Martini" Hingis. Let alone Angelique "Die Engel" Kerber when it comes to Steffi "Die Greif" Graf. Mark my words, GB11 has (and will) always be the Batman to CR7's Superman. He doesn't take the limelight by storm in the same way his partner has always done, but this dynamic duo is arguably the reason why Los Blancos are scoring like the stereotypical white guy in St James (I mean the local power station, not the foreign park).

There's a reason why this meme is smaller in size. It has got nothing to with the 3rd amigo coming from the wrong end of Madrid. Rather, this is the only size available. The other memes I found were basically Spanish and I don't want to elitise myself (forget about the Oxford dictionary, forget about asking Emma "Duchess of Megawatts" Watson whether such a word exists. There's no such word as elitise, it's a word in my own dictionary). Enough about attention grabbing, I'm not interested in getting myself into jail just because I made a joke at the expense of the SPG culture. Saúl "he ain't any son of Kish" Ñíguez may easily become the joker in Simeone's hand. He's young (3 yrs younger than Casemiro fyi), he's most likely hungry now, and he's definitely raring to fly off from a gun's barrel. One solo wonder goal doesn't make a hero, but we can also say that Greedo wasn't the reason why Han Solo is... well, Han Solo. The class may be there, but can Saúl keep up the momentum? After all, Turan is now chilling out under the Catalan sun.
Simeone is not only famous for wringing out that extra 100% from his charges, a darker side of him actually entails the kind of ruthlessness not even seen in the likes of Sir A.Fergie and the new foreign boss of Man Utd. You most likely won't need to be someone like Simeone's celebrity victim to get yourself off his good books.

Simeone is, without a doubt, the greatest trolling god to grace the footballing world ever since the English first invented the game (I mean football, not trolling). There is nothing trollolol about being not good enough, however. In a certain sense, El Lobo actually thinks like a local Singaporean more than any foreign talents we're having now. If you're not good enough, off you go on loan. If I can recoup any amount of dinero once the season ends, I'll do so. His ruthless nature is nothing like what I've seen in the likes of Sir A.Fergie, the new Ud boss, or his apprentice at my beloved Boro. I don't have to spell it out for you whether Simeone will have his own son of Jesse ready in case a certain somebody decided to be the son of Kish. Ultimately, the most pressing question is this:

Will the #FootballTrollingGod start with Saúl?

VIP mention

I don't know what's wrong with people nowadays. As a player, CR7 is no Stevie G or that white Paul. Neither is he Raúl as well. The barracking is now looking (and sounding) stupid. No player is bigger than the club, so what are you all thinking? Like it or not, Madridistas or not, CR7 will always have a trick up his sleeve. In the current footballing world, I rate only 3 players as quite literally out of this planet.

While I wish I can be Boro's Messi in the technical area, such a wish can wait for another day. CR7 really has that unique ability to raise his game for a seemingly lost cause. His pace may have faded a wee bit, but do not underestimate a charismatic player of his calibre. Whether he's able to take the fight straight into Los Rojiblancos will be an interesting point of analysis. In fact, the only way for him to do it is to attack the backline while entrenched deeply in their own half. If Los Blancos need to win, someone has to be daring enough to do a 1 vs 4.

Whether his own country really needs Le Benz, I do not know. What I do know, however, is the fact that his team (and also fellow countryman) needs him. In order to facilitate the kind of ruthless aggression Batman and Superman are so famous for, we need an offensive anchor up front. This is where Le Benz comes in. A lot has been said on his scoring prowess, but I need to highlight his pace and holding up play as well. At the age of 28, he's starting to hit what we call a footballer's peak (i.e. 28-32). He will be the one leading the charge, not Batman or Superman. Therefore, the onus for Los Blancos is to create multiple goal outlets where the threat can come from anywhere just outside the D-cup area. Los Blancos is a team thriving on offensive aggression where the front 3 are anything but a Lonesome George.

Not to be confused with the human Coke, Koke is basically the most dangerous amigo in Los Rojiblancos. Xavi once lauded him as his heir apparent. Given the kind of player Xavi is, it's quite easy for us to discern what's so dangerous about Koke. Capable of operating out wide or in the central midfield, this is a player blessed with shrewd vision. It's not every day we get to see a ball-passing machine capable of playing out wide. In a Xavi sense, he's no winger. You can try putting players like Xavi, Alonso, and Scholes out wide. It will backfire spectacularly (last time I checked, someone actually put Scholes out wide on the left to accommodate Stevie and Frank in the centre. Possibly the reason why Scholes decided to rage quit). No such risk for Koke. The difference between passing the ball from the flank and doing the same thing from the centre lies in the options. If you're playing wide, there's only one way to pass the ball. And that is sideway. If you're passing the ball from the central region, that's where the ball can go anywhere like a heat seeking missile. If Koke isn't the kind of player possessing a higher level of strategic awareness than the likes of Xavi, Alonso, and Scholes, then you might as well expect Lonesome George to have a girlfriend. The only catch? Lonesome George actually died without a girlfriend.

Heaven or Hell: Final Round

Come tomorrow, it's quite literally heaven or hell for us. Okay, not really quite. But hey, there's still the problem of flares and pyrotechnics to make things more fun, no?

Lessons to be learnt from the St Andrew's fiasco

Firstly, where did it all go wrong? Surely that's not because of Malala "not from Malacca" Yousafzai even though she's technically an immigrant. So what was the cause of 2 pts dropped?

There are two reasons behind the St Andrew's screwjob.

First, we have the linesman who was made to look like an idiot just because even Gary "not Lim" Rowett said the goal by Daniel "El Ratón III?" Ayala should be legal. As it turned out, the goal was legally ruled as... well, illegal.

Secondly, let's not be too harsh on that poor bloke. After all, we shot ourselves in the foot by parking the bus after going 2-1 up. In case you think I'm interested in writing up a conspiracy theory concerning some blokes from England having a problem with me just because I may have put some managers out of their jobs, you're wrong. You all might as well speculate whether George Bush Jr is a Muslim since you all like to say 9/11 was an inside job.

In other words, let the Referees' Association do their house cleaning just like how we should do our own house cleaning.

Note to all in that secret FB society: Half of the lingo will elude you easily like a B2 stealth bomber. Basically, that's because of difference in culture between Singapore and Teesside.

Lessons to be learnt from Champions League

I don't know about you, but both halves of Madrid have taught us a thing or two on how to win matches. Los Rojiblancos taught us the fact that you only need 1 single tactical substitution to make things right. Los Blancos actually taught us the fact that defensive excellence combined with dogged nature can win you the match.

Ultimately, what I said above will have a bearing on how our final match will go.

Heaven or Hell, Let's Rock!

Firstly, Chris "Joey Barton's first BFF" Hughton will NOT park the bus. Derby tried doing a favor for both us and themselves. Ultimately, it's only half-success. A 1-1 draw basically means Hughton has to take the fight to us. A brief look at his customary starting 11 would betray two notable names.

Anthony "French bloke, name sounds English" Knockaert is without a doubt the most dangerous guy with the ball. While he's no Kingsley "unrelated to Aladeen's BFF" Coman, he's nevertheless the closest bloke to Thomas "the super Bavarian mallet" Müller in this division. Capable of playing on the right, I won't be surprised if he can also play down the centre in hole 9. As it turned out, Hughton decided to play him on the right.

You may not know this guy, but local (S'porean) football fans will recall a certain Michal "can't think of a nickname for now also" Váňa. The relationship between the two is never abt Wilson "Not Willy" Raj. Rather, both of them come from the same nation. Well technically anyway since the Czech Republic is part of Czechoslovakia (basically, this also means that Belinda "tak benci" Bencic is also technically a Czech. *shrugs*). 

Either way, seeing this bloke deployed out wide may not raise many eyebrows. More on that later...

Grant "he who bites the lead" Leadbitter should be a no-brainer to start despite certain sections of fans demanding that Adam "not Swandi" Forshaw to start the game as our very own Die Bastion. Another no brainer to start is this sea creature in red above. Adam "Wenger should sign him and play 4-1-4-1" Clayton has been outstanding for us. His greatest strength lies in consistency, this bloke will be one half of our lock in the same way Knockaert will be one half of Brighton's key.

Assuming that George "every SPG's dream BFF" Friend won't be starting, we'll surely be keeping our fingers crossed on whether some Belgian (who happens to look a bit like Putin and a bit like the latest James Bond) can deliver the goods. Belgian chocs, Belgian waffles, and Belgian beer. The only thing better than the three added together will be Richard "not de Late" de Laet redeeming himself after his total nightmare at St Andrew's street. Worst come to worst, the leftback position will be filled by Lonesome George himself.

A cagey affair

Despite Brighton now reliving the good old Me Gusta! days, Hughton is no Gus "Me Gusta!" Poyet. Do NOT expect Brighton to press us all over the pitch. This is a team nicknamed the Seagulls, not a big fat albatross waiting to be shot down. This is even more apparent given we're not leaking goals in the same manner we're not scoring much as well.

However, I won't be surprised if Seagull Chris will try to control his own half of the pitch before letting fly at us come 2nd half.

Baseline anyone?

Don't we all love tennis? Not only do the girls get to ogle at Rafa "not Benítez" Nadal's biceps, we guys also get to ogle at the young stars like Angelique "der Engel" Kerber, Eugenie "pretty genie in a bottle" Bouchard, and ofc Bencic herself also. Beyond that, there's the baseline.

When I say baseline, I'm not referring to where the camera is aiming. Rather, baseline means... well, baseline. How we approach the match will most likely be how the Seagulls approach the same match. Namely like a stereotypical Swiss tennis player, never mind whether it's Roger "非弱智" Federer or Bencic herself.

As a defensive unit, we're quite obviously watertight at the back. 'Tis a no-brainer. But what about Brighton? I still remember when Seagull Chris first came to the team, the entire dressing room was in somewhat of a shambles. It's like seeing Nadal struggling while wondering whether he'll still be Le Roi d'Roland-Garros. One thing which stood out back then was his decision to play 3-5-2. To me, it's a risky move because the logical approach should be keeping things tight from the back till middle. In other words, why not 4-4-2 or 4-5-1?

I'll never know the answer to this question because I ain't Seagull Chris. What I can do, however, is to find a common ground between the 3-5-2 of last season and the 4-4-2 of this season.

Most dangerous bloke alive?

People will say Knockaert. Fans will say Knockaert. Holloway, Neville, and the two Jamies will say... well, Knockaert. I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with whether Emma "megawatts" Watson should be a French with an English name. For me, however, the most dangerous bloke will no doubt be some Czech bloke whom 99% of the S'porean population know nothing about. Namely Jiří "can't think of a nickname for now" Skalák.

Wait, you crazy? You siao ah?

No,  I'm not. Even if I am, perhaps that's because I'm truly born a genius. After all, every genius is a madman in his own right. The irony behind the 170 million quids showdown may be visible only to a chosen few, but it doesn't mean I'm excluded from this chosen lot.

You see, we as the unwanted Boro are notorious for playing like Valencia under Quique "1-0 Sánchez" Sánchez Flores while Brighton is now playing somewhat like Los Che under the leadership of Unai "will he make unagi sushi out of Liverpool?" Emery. In order to facilitate our excellence of (defensive) execution like a certain Bret "the Hitman" Hart, we need to have an excellent four by two. In order for the opposition to facilitate their own excellence of execution, they need to have an excellent four by two. Our four by two is to prevent opponents from scoring, their four by two is to allow their own players to score.

Unlike the five-blokes-across-the-midfield approach last season, Brighton is now technically better across the back. This is why I'm sure Seagull Chris will want to control his own half during the first 45 minutes. Let's just face it, guys. We're not playing against Barcelona in the same way they're not playing against Real Madrid.

Which now comes to the role of the main strikeforce. Let me first state that Skalák is both a forward and the kind of player Seagull Chris enjoys deploying out wide. Therefore, the Czech bloke is technically NOT part of the main strikeforce.

The role of the forward two will most likely boil down to 2 scenarios:

1. Frontline anchor

2. Sharing the fun in goal scoring just like what Chris "not Hughton" Sutton did the last time round with Alan "Captain England" Shearer.

Scenario 1 may seem like the more offensive option due to scenario 2 sounding like what Leicester has always done this season. But trust me when I give you the counter-intuitive answer. Option 1 is more defensive and option 2 is more offensive. Remember, folks. Brighton is possibly the most technical team so far out of the 24 teams in the Championship. It's like watching Swansea during the good old days of conspiracy theories involving the FA and the Welsh in general.

Either way, the key to Heaven or Hell lies in where Seagull Chris will play his ball anchor.

Note: To further elaborate what I'm saying here, let me just ask you this question. Is it easier for a team to defend the ball with 6 blokes surrounding the ball anchor or 5 blokes doing the same thing?

But I still don't understand what you're saying!

Okay, let me just explain this to you. If you're to deploy a forward out wide in Football Manager, what is your reason? The thing with forwards played out wide isn't a new concept. I've seen this approach done N times over for the past few seasons of watching Championship football. As a wide forward, Skalák's duty is to know when to cut in from the flank rather than whether.

The moment he does that, we're screwed. Our backline needs to be 200% alert. It's not good enough for us to keep out 2 strikers and a French alone because there's a third card in Seagull Chris' hand.

Which now comes to Knockaert

We need to force this guy back. Back to where he originally started. Namely the right end of a flat midfield rather than giving him the license to kill. If watching the super Bavarian mallet himself playing on the right ain't traumatic enough, it means either you're a fan of Bayern München or a fan of Germany come La Marseillaise 2016.

Basically, this is where either every SPG's dream BFF comes in or that Belgian Putin steps in. I'm pretty sure our Friend will be good enough to do the job properly. But what if he gets crocked halfway through like Marco "not van Bastard" van Basten himself?

Instinctively, fans may question whether de Laet is good enough not to turn up late in terms of shackling Knockaert. However, it must also be stated that both the Belgian and the French used to play for the same team. It's very easy for us to overlook this fact, but it still remains true that the two of them were regular starters for Leicester prior to Claudio "Italian bloke, English football" Ranieri bringing in the beer and pizza. In other words, Nigel "he looks like Colossus" Pearson was the bloke who made them famous by bringing in the fire and brimstone. Therefore, it is to my humble (?) opinion that de Laet should not have any excuses if he allows Knockaert to wriggle free like some slippery French unagi.

Special mention

On the first glance, it's extremely easy for people to assume Ben "Prince Gibbo" Gibson is in the team due to Steve "King Gibbo" Gibson being his uncle. I still remember Mogga praising him for his commanding presence. Think that's before he hit the legal age of 21 (I don't know about UK, but legal age of consent in Singapore is 21. Before that, you're answerable to your parents). No matter what, someone in the secret FB society of local (and I don't mean Singaporeans) Boro fans once mentioned that he's technically crap. Win the ball, then he becomes Jushoov d'Ball. At that time, I never disagreed with Mark (not to be confused with my cousin Mark). However, I did say that it's up to Prince Gibbo to decide whether he's content to be a Championship player for the rest of his life or wanting to be Premiership player for the rest of his future.

If this lad starts, he must bring his A-game. As the left end of the centreback partnership, it's his duty to make sure de Laet/Friend won't walk alone. He has to be mindful of two things.

1. Knockaert cutting inside from the right.

2. Knockaert rampaging down our left.

If we give Knockeart the license to kill, it means Skalák would be given the chance to execute. We can't afford failed this to happen. And even if Skalák doesn't score, it merely means Knockaert can play the ball to either of the two main strikers.

Role of the central mids

I don't care whether Forshaw will start. What I care about is whether our holding mids can weather the storm. Their job is to fortify the back 4. Not only that, they should also be our first line of defence against a very damn technical Brighton team ever since Óscar "not Luis" García took over the team years ago.

P.S: If any Geordie fan happens to finish reading this post, let me clarify that four by two means four by two literally. I'm not anti-Jewish, I'm also not a Cockney.

Add P.S: If we really can't score, then we may need to sign John Terry himself.

Batalla de la Capital (not much time to live?)

This post will be really brief. Hopefully. It's been a surreal weekend so far for my beloved Boro. Firstly, we shot ourselves in the foot via chronic prolificacy. Then the linesman decided to help us make the situation worse by flagging a legal goal as illegal. I really feel gutted for my fellow Boro'thers-in-arms and Daniel "El Ratón III?" Ayala. If it's true the linesman is from Huddersfield, it means Lee "not a politician" Johnson may have done us a favor of vengeance by stuffing Huddersfield 4-0. William Shakespeare would have been so chuffed at being outdone.

And yes, I know Chris "Joey Barton's only BFF" Hughton won't park the bus this Sunday.

One more bullet, one final bullet

Pep "not you, Pep" Guardiola is officially staring at his own Pexit at this time I'm typing this. While a potential Pexit is not really a 100% done deal, the danger is still very real. In fact, I think he's been bald for the past 1-2 seasons. If Kurt Angle has been bald for N years, it means Diego "#FootballTrollingGod" Simeone is the modern football's equivalent of Adam Copeland.

So where did Pep go oh so wrong? Personally, I feel he played his cards too cautiously. He's from Catalonia, not Singapore. However, his midfield selection is anything but Catalan. Bereft of Thomas "the German spaceman" Müller, the entire Bayern München is like Guardians of the Galaxy minus Star-Lord himself. In fact, it's very easy for Simeone to prey on Pep's tactical fear.

The Minghui'matics is very simple:

I play deep+I defend the ball+I force your midfield out of shape=I win.

I may suck in mathematics, but I do have a decent analysing brain.

Simply put, Pep paid the price because Simeone was the braver player.

Does that mean a premature end to Bavaria's Oktoberfest? Will we see the end of beautiful barmaids like this one below?

If it's true that Pep still has one more bullet, then he has to make that bullet count. It's all or nothing, let's go for broke.

Just start that German space ninja pls

If Paul "not the apostle" Scholes is lovingly known as the Ginger Ninja, then Müller is def that German space ninja. I still remember seeing him in action against the Argentine left during the World Cup 2014 final. Seeing him rampaging down the right is like seeing a Republican having a go at Obamacare. It's like seeing Guy pummeling the opposition into oblivion. Plenty had been said about that Super (white) Mario's super goal, but the German ninja was nothing to take lightly of.

Without ample support (pls don't divert your eyes to the angmoh chiobu above, I'm talking football here), it's a no-brainer that the Bavarians couldn't do a thing in penetrating Los Rojiblancos. Can't force them to counter, in the end kenna forced to come out.

This time round, Pep has to start his German space ninja. Personally, I have no issues with his choice of wide men. Therefore, there's no reason for Pep to change the lineup in the width dept.

Pep needs Müller playing just behind the lone striker with the German space ninja given the license to kill by passing rather than shooting. This time round, he has to force Simeone to play his best hand asap.

Superheroism and Jesseca Liu

Forget about Ms Liu motivating the entire dressing room by dressing up as a Bavarian barmaid. Forget about motivating the entire dressing room by hiring the Big Valbowski as a motivational speaker.

What the German pride needs now is a hero of epic proportion. From Berlin to Hamburg, no one is interested in seeing Jesseca "doubt she's a Rabbit" Liu reprising her role as the Queen. And neither are they interested in seeing the Big Valbowski pulling off his finishing move on that trolling Simeone. If Kingsley "not a Cimmerian" Coman is German, perhaps we may see a Conan the Barbarian moment or two.

From Berlin to Hamburg, every German is waiting with bated breath for that Dragon Reborn. Not exactly Lews Therin Telamon, but perhaps someone else quite close. Ladies and beautiful girls, I present you Big Lews himself.

The only way for Pep to claw his way back is to keep his fingers crossed that Big Lews can pop a goal or two. Drawing first blood is not the important part. Rather, drawing first blood within the starting 30 mins will be vital to Pep's cause (not to mention his reputation as well given his cautious approach last time round). Srsly Pep, you're no Batman.

Three Face, not Two Face

To the fans, he's known as Cholo.

To the opponents, he's the greatest trolling god whose trolling ability has surpassed his Portuguese father and Slavic brother. Not to mention his British grandfather as well.

To me, however, he's El Lobo.

Like his namesake (?), Los Rojiblancos play like a pack of wolves even though they shared the same colours as the Singaporean Lions. My head says Barca, my heart belongs to Boro. If there's any team that reflects the past near 20 years of my life, it would be this current batch of Los Rojiblancos. Unattractive, but capable. Never a pleaser to others, but surely a pleaser in their own right.

If El  Lobo wants to taste final glory once more (ironically, I doubt Manchester City will be in the fashion city of Milan), he will do well to create a rectangular block. From the central defence till the central strike force. The longer the match gos 0-0, the more advantage Los Rojiblancos will have. Period.