Monk owes you all a big favour

Finally, I'm back. Not like the Terminator, quite obviously. A few days ago, I read an article on how rival team are exposing us (i.e. the Boro) like Harvey Weinstein. It's not a pretty sight (and I don't mean any Willy's willy). I don't know what else I should write beyond the remedy... ah, well, let's take one step at a time. Or rather, one word at a moment.

Okay, skip this part if you're a Boro fan...

Using Harvey Weinstein and Willy's willy may not be the best idea after all. I still remember Park Ju-won and all the feminists in Rice Media.

For the lack of a better to put it, every guy always got that 50 Shades of Gray Fullbuster inside.

Monk owes you all a big favour (and the whole of Teesside as well if all things go well)

It's official. Or is it? Either way, the nice blokes in the Gazette might have given me something to work with. For every remedy, there must be a diagnosis. Otherwise, either nothing will be done or someone is going to die as a result. I'm going straight for the kill here.

The Rudy awakening?

I never watched the match, neither did I track the game via live feed. However, it seemed that Rudy "GET IN THERE RUDY!!!!!" Gestede has given me a glimpse of what our Welsh Monk needs to do asap. If it's truly Monk's Plan B, then he needs to make it his Plan A asap.

Right now, the current 4-2-3-1 is giving us a massive risk of being exposed. The problem isn't down to the 4-2-3-1. While people are now calling for a 4-4-2, sticking to 4-2-3-1 can easily turn the tide. All that is needed is doing something about the lone ranger up front.

As it turned out, the current lone bloke is Britt "Hollywood got big Brad Pitt, but we got big bad Britt" Assombalonga. Don't get me wrong, I've got no issues with him. Yes, I did initially question the sanity behind the decision to sign him. After all, Patrick "BAM BAM BAM" Bamford was still there. And he still is despite going MIA like a leprechaun (or at least I hope so). Fast forward to now and he's proving to us what made him a force of nature at Nottingham Forest in the first place. With Gestede presenting a case of unintended consequences, Monk needs to make some changes.

Again, let us recap what the Gazette blokes said

Leaking goals is a concern. To blame the back 4 is like blaming the fall guy. We all know what the fall guy is there for. To take the fall for the rest and be crucified in the most undignified manner. In other words, it's no different from victim blaming and calling for a witch hunt. In the same way Mayim "hope she doesn't balik kampung over Steinergate" Bialik got burnt at the stake for what she said, it seems that the back 4 got crucified on the spot. Like how one needs to think about the culture Ms Bialik had pointed out, we need to take a cold hard look at the starting XI.

I've always had reservations about the hole 9 area ever since things went terribly wrong. Yes, Martin "the great black Dane" Braithwaite can be a black class act more oft than not in that position. The only problem? He's a striker like Zlatan "I send entire nations into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović, not a midfielder like Lewis "not Hamilton" Baker. While I'm not going to argue with our Welsh Monk over why Baker wasn't allowed the role of baking bread for the strikers  (i.e. creating goals), it must be stated that a striker in hole 9 is never the best solution to create a midfield lock. The best lock is one which is nigh impossible to pick (yes, I know I'm using a politically incorrect statement. Grow up, will ya?). Sadly, we do not have such a lock. Yet, it's tactically possible to introduce such a lock. I'm not telling our Welsh Monk to pick a Lewis Hamilton despite possible reactions from the fans via such a report. Yes, I do favour him playing in hole 9 instead of Braithwaite in the name of stopping the haemorrhage (more on that later on). But still, it's Monk's call, not mine.

Yet, it must be stated that as a striker in hole 9, it's Braithwaite's job to get himself forward, link up play, and do a decent pass. Something which, for whatever reason, Adama "hope Karanka didn't sign a Djimi" Traoré failed to do on a dependable basis (and no, I'm sure race is not an issue because both players are equally black). Once he gets himself forward, the team would have a hole the size of... well, Braithwaite himself. It's dangerous. What if rival teams decide to break and counter? They don't have to try having a go at the backline. All they need is to boss the middle 3rd from one end of the width to the other. Then that's it. Game over. Football is like fighting a battle with the entire season regarded as the war. You don't win the war by winning a battle, for it's possible to win the battle but not the war. Bill Shankly was right in this sense when he famously said, "Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that". If it's tactically game over for you, it's effectively game over for you. That's what the blokes at the Gazette are saying right now. Yes, even now.

Gestede's introduction turned out to be the kind tactical magic formula Monk desperately needs right now. It's not just his physical presence alone which cowed the city of Bristol. Unlike big bad Britt, Gestede is all about holding up play. This effectively created an offensive lynchpin, something which our Welsh Monk needs.

So should Braithwaite be dropped?

Let me get this clear: Gestede's injury was a bummer for us and a tactical bummer for Monk. While I can't be sure who gets the nod, it must be cautioned that Monk will most likely refuse to risk another injury. If a freak injury is possible, then any kind of injury is possible. Monk's greatest headache right now is whether to shift Braithwaite to the lone man up front. Because if his answer is yes, then there's a light at the end of the tunnel (and I don't mean the headlights). This is assuming he chooses not to start Gestede and Braithwaite. I have to say, though, that Gestede up front and Braithwaite in the hole 9 makes for a real horror show. Not for us, but for them.

At the same time, he needs to think about whether to persist with big bad Britt. If the answer is yes, then he needs to ask another question: Should I shift him to the attacking width? It's not every day that a striker can do an Arjen "Der Räuber" Robben. By that, I mean being a striker who can also play out wide. We have Bamford who, at times, might have been kidnapped by attractive Irish elven girls (I'm sure he knows what I'm talking about since he's Irish and I happen to know a bit of Irish mythology). Then we have big bad Britt. Don't laugh. I've seen Monk pulled off the unthinkable before. It's doable for big bad Britt because the proof of the pudding lies in eating it. And big naughty Britt was truly having a Christmas pudding feast out wide before he got recalled to the lone man up front.

Either way, we need to set a lock in the hole 9 position albeit how such a decision will pan out depends on who plays as the lone striker.

And now for the greatest remedy of the season...

If this remedy is to be that counter-measure of the season, please don't thank me. Firstly, I know our Welsh Monk's job is not to be a Welsh muppet. Monk from Wales, yes. Muppet from Wales, no (although I'm pretty sure every Leeder is now calling him Garry Muppet instead of Garry de Snake). Secondly, I'd rather you all thank the Gazette blokes. No, I'm not joking here.

Ipswich may well be our make-or-break moment. If what the Gazette blokes said is true, then we'll be facing the maestro of such tactics. Namely, Mick "Great Mick" McCarthy. If Monk will be out to play the ball from the deep, even better. Not for us, but for them. The art of parking the bus lies in letting the opposition have the ball. If we play the ball from the back, we die because they would have time to brace themselves for the imminent onslaught. If we play the ball from the midfield... okay, it's not that bad. But still, they would still prepare a bus for us. So no, that's not optimal.

To counter their counter-attack (not just Ipswich, mind you), we must make sure the hole 9 area is safe. We must not allow them to boss the middle 3rd via a break and counter. If they must go forth and boss the middle 3rd, our holding mids and three attacking mids must play it compact. If we can't prevent them from countering from the deep, we have to make sure a Gandalf must be done on them. Don't know what I'm talking about? Okay, nvr mind.

It depends on Monk on how he's going to organise the midfield triangle. The moment he does it right, I can guarantee him that it can last him for the rest of the season.

Now let me start talking about the opposition. Not Ipswich, but the opposition in general. The opponent's team sheet has never been more important for Monk. The reason why is very simple: Formations don't win you games, players do.

So what this means is very simple: Once Monk knows the formation, he should have a good idea on how high is the counter-offensive platform. For example, a 4-2-3-1 may indicate the counter-offensive fulcrum being placed at the hole 9 position. Of course, I'm merely giving a simple example. As I've said (and everybody knows), formations don't win you games, players do. However, the formation can give us a decent idea about the approach.

You got the formation, you need to know the players. Remember, formations don't win you games, players do. I can't stress this enough times here. Take a look at their wide players. Whether they're deploying orthodox wide men or wide forwards will decide how they will approach the counter-offensive. More specifically, a decent idea on how often the attacking wide player will cut in and from where. This will give the backline at least some semblance of preparation. It's that simple.

Traditionally, wingers have a lesser chance of cutting inside. This is mainly due to the presence of a wide forward, an approach now widely used even in English football. With a two winger approach, however, one player will be forced to play the cutter while the other playing the crosser. The name of the game is goals, hence the need to deploy a wide forward. Depending which side the wide forward is deployed, we should have a decent idea on which flank is the so-called danger flank. At the same time, the danger flank may also indicate the frequency of the fullback bombing forward. With an orthodox winger, the need for any fullback to overlap isn't that high. But with a wide forward, it's quite likely that the fullback on the same flank will overlap. This is to create space for the forward to cut in. At the same time, a fullback who can't cross the ball is definitely a worse fullback than Alberto "so will we see more of him in the future?" Moreno.

Either way, it's carrot soup for us this Saturday or getting thrown under the tractor fleet.

P.S: I need to end this post now. My brain just underwent a bout of noise therapy. While only a rich, beautiful, and intelligent radiographer can solve my woes, I'm not idiotic enough to push myself unless I'm decently sure my brain can still come up with something.

Why always Cyrus?

Why always Cyrus? I'm not referring to Miley "not a citrus" Cyrus Christie (apparently, she's been staying it low key apart from whatever news she made with Thor's younger bro Loki). Rather, I'm referring to Miley Cyrus "neither a Persian nor Malcolm" Christie. We all know the deal about racism. It's always the Black Panther versus the White Gorilla.

Don't bother wondering where is the White Gorilla. Apparently, race is still a sensitive topic in the western half of the hemisphere despite democracy. Also, it seems Shuri is that black girl wearing white.

This time around, it seems that the Trumps have made the headlines for all the wrong reason. For some funny reason, this was reminiscent of Ryan "not Shotton the Shotgun" Tunnicliffe's answer to Ireland legalising same-sex marriage.

And now the good news...

He's back. Miley Cyrus "neither a Persian nor Malcolm" Christie is back. Or at least I hope so for tonight/today's match against Birmingham. This is a match we can't lose. Not after the latest fixture results turned against our favour. In a funny twist of fate, Birmingham is currently owned by Chinese people in the same way I'm also Chinese. Let's cut short the chase, let's start talking about Steve "Brum or bust?" Cotterill and his Brum.

Parking the Brum bus?

We're at home, they're at away. We play 4-2-3-1, they'll most likely play 4-3-3. I've seen Brum defeated by Barnsley. More specifically the team sheet. I've seen Brum defeated Nottingham Forest. More specifically the team sheet. In the former case, it's 4-2-3-1. For the latter, it's 4-3-3. For now, I'm prepared to assume that Steve Brum has stumbled upon a tactical magic formula.

I tried finding a common ground between Steve Brum's 4-2-3-1 and 4-3-3. You have someone named Jota (not to be confused with Diogo "not Diego?" Jota or the Korean Jota). Against Barnsley, he played in hole 9. Against Forest, he played out wide. Trying to make sense of his impact on the team sheet was quite challenging. Thankfully, there's a Gallagher. Not a Liam or Noel. Rather, it's a Sam.

Secondly, I needed to find where Steve Brum would deploy the ball anchor. Interestingly, the victory over Forest revealed the fast and nippy centre-forward while the defeat at the hands of Barnsley betrayed the typical 6 footer. I still remember Lukas "the Jutower" Jutkiewicz, Mogga signed him first before Birmingham did so. Against Forest, Steve Brum deployed a Che. Not Los Che or a Che Guevara, but rather Che "will he become Brum's Che?" Adam. Steve Brum is no moron. He should have seen Thomas "the great Dane of the Mediterranean" Christiansen dismantling us last weekend. If our Welsh Monk decides to stick with Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer, it means chances are that we'll see Steve Brum's Che as the centre-forward again. There has to be a reason why the Leeders ended up having Kemar "I don't hoof the ball up the roof" Roofe as the vanguard despite him being the fast and nippy type. Simply put, if it worked for the Leeders, surely it will work for the Brummers.

Ofc it doesn't mean Steve Brum won't need a ball anchor. He still needs it. My best bet would be a 3-man fort. Against Barnsley, the Brummers were bummed by one bloke less in front of the back 4 instead of one bloke more. Against Forest, it seems that having 3 blokes instead of 2 actually gave the firing squad more confidence in attacking the final third. The lack of a 6 foot Pole won't mean a thing so long the ball anchor is being fixed at the back. And by that, I mean four by three, not the four by two made famous by the Germans since Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw took over.

Interestingly, both 4-2-3-1 and 4-3-3 are capable of falling back into a defensive 4-4-2. At least I won't put it past Steve Brum doing that. All that is needed is for Jota to drop back deep. Against Barnsley, it's most likely him and David "so is his dad called Steve?" Cotterill falling back to form a 4-4-2. Against Forest, it's only Jota since we're talking about 3 blokes holding the fort in the middle 3rd.

So how do I see Steve Brum's... well, Brum? No matter which formation we'll see on the screen, chances are that a defensive 4-4-2 will be on the cards. Our Welsh Monk needs to take a good hard look at Steve Brum's starting firing squad. That should give him a decent idea of how the defensive 4-4-2 will do a break-and-counter. Or just about any kind of counter.

More blame on Moreno?

3 goals leaked, blame Alberto "how many more?" Moreno? I still remember his debut against Southampton. That was years ago, we're not even promoted yet. Brendan "not Fraser" Rodgers may have redeemed himself in a nation not exactly known for football, but Moreno's nightmare might well be one of the worst moments in Liverpool's proud footballing history. Back then, Mauricio "poached by Jewtown" Pochettino had just chosen the cappuccino at North London over the south coast's Earl Grey. In stepped Ronald "will he remain a McDonald or become a Reagan?" Koeman. Nathaniel "not Chalobah" Clyne was the saint wielding the pitchfork, I don't have to tell you the horror show Moreno was forced to star in. It's like Jason Voorhees chasing a bunch of screaming NUS frats after they had enjoyed a fruitful afternoon. While it's hard to sympathise with those Robert Frattinsons if they really got chased around and brutally murdered by Jason, I was like "whoa, I really feel sorry for that guy (i.e. Moreno, not those Robert Frattinsons)". Ironically, St Clyne is now RoboKop Clyne.

Only upped this vid 4 teh lolz. Not every S'porean gentleman is deemed horny. Whimsical bastards do exist. Like me, for example.

If Moreno can't do a clearance to save his life, then why is he still playing as a fullback? Two things need to be done, none of them involving Moreno. At least not for now so as to speak.

1. Buy a new leftback.

2. Redeploy Moreno as a left winger.

If I want to save this amigo's career, reinventing a leaky leftback into an orthodox winger is the only way out. Coupled with the fact that he's still playing as a fullback, it means there's actually a decent chance of him being a counter-offensive style winger more comfortable with pushing up the offensive line (although whether this will automatically translate into wingback for him is open to debate). Ultimately, no one would like to see RoboKlopp whipping out his German gun.

Yes, this is what I mean by "whipping out his German gun". What do you expect otherwise? This?

Barcelona and Valencia: A Tale of Two Che

Not so long ago, talks of a revolution were rife. They said Peter "there's more than one of him" Lim must go lim his kopi. Not with the cops, but in the comfort of his own home AFTER he gave up ownership to a worthier man (or woman for that matter since we're now talking about 2017, not the 17th century). How times have changed, fortune and ill luck alike. His beloved daughter got married and gave him a grandchild. As if that's not enough, he actually got the right guy for the Valencia job. Surprise! While it's still early to see whether Marcelino the Amigo can replicate the class of Unai "so do they serve unagi kabayaki over there in Paris?" Emery (yes, he did manage Los Che before), any local can't help but feel that picking a fight with the Singaporean Kim Kardashian is sooooo... well, yesterday. Marcelino didn't have exactly the best headstart career-wise. I think he got sacked left, right, and centre before Villareal decided to risk sinking its submarino amarillo. As it turned out, the submarino never ate a torpedo. Hence, was it any wonder that Mr Lim has to "beg" Marcelino to be his... well, new Che? Right now, the Los Che faithful have to be careful. On one hand, it feels good to see a change in fortune. Just ask any Boro faithful on how they felt when they went up. On the other hand, however, Valencia is no Middlesbrough. There will always be some manner of expectation, one way or another. If this goes wrong again, I don't want to imagine whether Singaporeans will be strongly discouraged from touring Valencia due to tempers flaring and riots happening. The greatest challenge Marcelino has to face as Peter's new amigo is this: How is he going to navigate the so-called first season syndrome? Lest we forget, Valencia was hitting the hot streak. Yet, after the first season had given so many faithful the courage to believe again, their beloved team began to look more like a puta than a dignified Señorita.

As for Barcelona, Ivan "the Great" Rakitić currently has some... well, reservations about his amigo. Now let me just conclude this post with my analysis on whether Lionel"El Pequeño Leon" Messi should leave. After all, I'm not in the holy business of predicting things.

Let me just get this clear, once and for all:

Messi, you better not leave the team which has become your second family. Think about what you can do as a player. Others may think you can make it big in other teams. Big teams. Teams equally big. While I'm sure no one will slaughter a pig in your honour (or at least I hope not), I know what kind of player you are. I'm not going to judge you for dodging taxes and things like that. I'm only a half-baked ITE graduate who refuses to bend the knee before the Singaporean brand of intellectual success.

Seeing you reminds me a bit of myself. Before Barcelona took you in, you're a reject. I know how it feels. I was rejected by my own country's educational system in the same way you were waiting for a chance to shine despite the odds. I know there is a reason why your country places so much hope on you. I know that such expectations are absurd in every sense of the word. Because of this, many a coach has suffered undue pressure. Because of this, I know Jorge Sampaoli is now undergoing massive stress.

You are a player who thrives in a system you're familiar with. This is the reason why you can mesmerise so many fans all over the world. This is the reason why you're compared with Diego Maradona (minus the Falklands War and the Hand of Man). Yet, this is also the reason that your own people turn on you. It is totally unfair to you, for you are a genius. And since you are a genius, people will elevate you to the position of God. Utterly unreasonable and totally laughable, I say! Sir Isaac Newton was a genius, but he was never God Himself.

I know your weakness and your strength. They are both the same: Your ability to thrive and flourish in a system where you would always be at the centre stage. Pep was the one making it possible, you have never looked back since. Your weakness is your strength and vice versa, 'tis the reason why you're indeed a genius. Therefore, please don't forsake the team which has become your second family. You will live to regret it if you make the wrong call. Your legacy will be tainted in a manner worse than that of Luís Figo. See out your career at where you first started off and have continued doing so till now.

Best wishes from El Bastardo de Singapur here.

Follow the Leeder (i.e. My take on the nearest thing to a derby)

Okay, I know this post title is really provocative. It's like how Newcastle see Boro. Location wise, derby. Real derby wise, never ever will be good enough. Let me just get the good, bad and ugly out of the way first: If you think we the Boro can nick this one-nil or three, you're a moron. Period.

Derby matches (with or without Derby County) can be chaotic at times. Most of the time, in fact. The form book will be thrown out of the window and you can be very sure Glenn "the Karma" Hoddle would always wonder why karma enjoys cursing his beloved Spurs regardless of form, quality, and Arsène "Le Professeur X" Wenger. Therefore, I wasn't surprised that a dull grey Sunderland bereft of Simon "his football may be dull grey, but it sure is effective" Grayson got a one-nil defeat from us instead of getting stuffed 3-0 like a Thanksgiving turkey. If even the likes of a rudderless Sunderland could put up a fight worth every derby penny, imagine what Leeds can do. I'm not about to predict things. I suck at this kind of thing, to be honest. And besides, I'm sure Thomas "the great Dane of the Mediterranean" Christiansen knows more about my beloved Boro than what I (professed to) know about his Leeds.

Before I start talking about the Leeder...
(Skip this b/c I'm gonna talk some crap about Karanka of Basque)

Let's talk about something weird. Just yesterday, I got a shock from Japan. I suspect it might be my friend Randy and/or his wife Lydia since the source read like "from your FB profile". The problem is, I don't remember either or both being football fans.

Hopefully, no one will tell me it's actually Aragaki "unrelated to Gaki no Tsukai" Yui.
I will kill whoever the 野郎 telling me that unless undeniable evidence is given.

However, this part is never about Japan, Randy/Lydia, or Yui. Rather, it's about Aitor "El AK-47" Karanka.

On a major hindsight, there's no way Karanka would say "yes" to Ellis "not Tall" Short. In fact, it seems that Chris "not Martin" Coleman has agreed to take the job. On one hand, there's this obvious fact that Señor AK-47 is never one about money. I know this sounds snobbish, but he did snub the material comfort offered by London (and Steve "not to be confused with other Steves" Parish). Then the next thing we knew, he's at the northeast where the steel is as cold as winter while passion is as hot as summer. Simply put, there's no difference between snubbing the Mackems and the Crystals. So no, any move to the opposite end of the northeast won't make any sense from Karanka's lofty standard.

At the same time, there's a reason why I gave him the AK-47 nickname here. Like someone armed with an actual AK-47 rifle, Señor Karanka is never one to crack a joke in public. He's basically Sir A. Fergie minus the cynical wit and Scottish blood. Definitely, he's no J-Mou because... well, I'm sure he never called Catalonia a pito nation hell-bent on independence.

The tweet is... for the lack of a better way to put it, anti-Karanka. It's like expecting Diego "El Lobo" Simeone to behave like a gentleman. It's not gonna happen. Period. Ultimately, the greater question is a big fat WHY. Karanka isn't someone born to troll. Yes, he can be more than a wee bit abrasive as a disciplinarian (something which was a gorilla on his back until the day he got the sack). But still, being a hardcore disciplinarian means there's no reason for him to pull off what I'd call an attempt at humour (whether Bob "not the Hydra Bob" Mortimer would approve of it is another question altogether). I'm very very VERY SURE that he's like Cable, not Deadpool.

So where will he go from King's Cross Station? Will he take a trip to Hogwarts? Will he take a trip to Heathrow Airport? If so, will he try hunting me down at the SGH? Nah, doubt so. In case the #IMPOSSIBRU happens, someone please tell him to refer to Mr and Mrs Sim of the DDR. After all, I doubt the CT-MRI folks would notice this lobo here walking past the glass door more oft than not. The safest way, however, is going straight to Blk 8 and look for my boss Kingpin Wilson Fisk.

And now, it's back to the Leeder

Unless I have more space to write more crap, this post will be all about the Yorkshire derby. I still remember walking along a pavement at Jalan Membina years ago. That area is where I live btw. There's this bloke, I assumed he's English. Why I assumed he's English is very simple: He was wearing a Leeds jersey in an era where George "the black St George of York" Weah was already part of history together with David "not O'Hara" O'Leary and Peter "so did he get rid of the taxman?" Ridsdale. I think that was 2-3 years ago.

How times have changed. Fast forward to now and we're gonna have a Leeds-Boro Yorkshire fight! While I won't call this the closest thing to an Old Firm brawl (I do think Singaporean football is now like Scottish football, though), I won't be surprised if the atmosphere will be outright electric. The Leeds faithful have never forgiven our Welsh Monk since he decided not to continue as their beloved Leeder. The wrath was evident, the anger has never abated even once.

This is how the Welsh Monk is currently perceived at Elland Rd in a nutshell.

Quite obviously, the players have a thing or two to prove. The Boro lads will have a thing or two to prove to their Welsh Monk, the same goes for the Leeds lads as well. In fact, I won't be surprised if BFF Pep will be switching on his TV just for this particular 90 mins (note that BFF Pep refers to Clotet, not Guardiola).

Strategy, tactics, and dissecting it like a boss

To understand how the great Dane of the Mediterranean will (possibly) play his cards, one needs to know our Welsh Monk's current weakness. Assuming we'll be seeing a 4-2-3-1 (for some funny reason, the English are now hooked on something made famous by the Germans and I don't mean the Oktoberfest girls), the chink in our armour lies in the two holding mids. While I'm still waiting to see any semblance of stability in that position, let's assume the starting two will be Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer. One is a Mackem, the other an ex-Leeder. One is a combative son of a gun, the other is more of a hold-and-pass. In any given 4-2-3-1, the second number is the most important part of the formation. Without a stable partnership in the holding mid area, the back 4 would be brutally exposed. Mark my words, the great Dane of the Mediterranean will be aiming at Grant and Jonny. Like a sniper, he will tell his lads to press us down the centre. The moment they score on this front, we're in trouble. They don't have to draw first blood on an asap basis. In fact, I won't be surprised if an early goal won't pop up. All the grand Leeder needs to do is to make sure nothing will come out from the turrets apart from fouls and more fouls.

So how can this be done, you might ask. The verdict on our current 4-2-3-1 is still open to the judge and jury. Just because it's fairly effective against a rudderless Sunderland doesn't mean it will be effective against a Leeds team with its rudder still intact. At the same time, only 3 pts separate us from the Leeders. What it means is this: A goal difference of -2 coming from them won't matter much if they managed to pull a derby win over us. Championship football is not for the faint-hearted. If the Premier League has the glitz of Hollywood (minus Steingate and other related scandals in the business ofc), then the Championship has the cutthroat nature of Korean showbiz. One slip-up for us can easily mean the start of a momentum for them. Given the acrimonious manner of the Welsh Monk's departure (apparently, different stories are being told from different perspectives), slipping up means gifting the chasing pack the license to rev up and go. It won't just be Leeds alone, trust me. If we win, however, it means we can secure 5th spot. At least temporarily. Throw in the fact that we have to face Derby (not to be confused with derby matches) and Birmingham before that, we're actually under more pressure than the opposition. The great Dane of the Mediterranean knows it. And he will exploit it. He's no idiot, he knows where our jugular is. If I can see this coming, it means the same for him. They will want to start a fight in the middle third minus the red. They will want to disrupt the middle triangle of our 4-2-3-1. And trust me, it's very easy for them.

Why it's so easy for them and not for us?

Yes, yes, I know who we have up front. We have Martin "the great black Dane" Braithwaite currently on fire. Who would have imagined him playing a wee bit like that guy who famously sent the whole nation of Denmark into retirement? While he has yet to play on the right, he's starting to prove himself as a creative centre-forward in the hole 9. In front of him is Britt "Hollywood got a big Brad Pitt and we got a big bad Britt" Assombalonga. Right now, I won't be surprised if the dressing room is full of Michael Jackson's You Know I'm Bad being played at half time and full time. The problem is this: It's all useless if they manage to cut in from the width while bossing play at the other end of the width. Something they will definitely do.

I've seen their starting lineup against Derby (again, not to be confused with derby matches). The reason why I didn't choose to refer to their last game is very simple: It's an away game. It doesn't matter whether it's Brentford or Bradford. The difference between away games and home games tend to be the strategic approach. While it's not a hard-and-fast logic, I find using Derby as a reference to be a better gauge. Home game? Check. A potential rival for promotion? You got it right.

Two players stand out for me. Samuel "not to be confused with Samus Aran" Sáiz Alonso and Kemar "he will never hoof it to the roof" Roofe. Two players, one similar mould. I'm talking about the fact that they can play anywhere in the firing line. Winger? Yep. Forward? You got it. Attacking mid? Double confirm plus triple affirm. To me, they are the ones holding the key to whether their boss will be Hrothgar or Beowulf (ofc it goes without saying that the Welsh Monk will be welcomed like Unferth instead of Beowulf). One in hole 9, the other out wide. So long there's a way for them to hold down the ball, it's three men against two. Let's do the maths here (based on the Derby match).

Us: Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer

Them: The male Samus Aran, the badass from Kedar, and a 6 ft+ Hamburglar.

In the game of football where 90 mins of action (minus the whistle and stoppage time) is also known as the Ninety Minutes War (not to be confused with the Hundred Years War where Edward of Woodstock made his name as a military legend). Simply put, the players are the soldiers. Three versus two on a flat terrain, we will be brutally murdered. No questions asked, only hanged, drawn, and quartered. If we cannot establish a stranglehold via a central triangle, we're... well, hanged, drawn, and quartered. Our man in the hole 9 needs to up his game. Those playing in the holding mid must up their game.

Special spotlight: Getting it right at the back via the rightback

Miley Cyrus "neither Malcolm nor a Persian" Christie is officially banned from this match. It's like imagine Miley "not a citrus" Cyrus Christie getting a MTV Awards ban over whatever WTH moment she pulled off. I'm not sure if the latter case did happen (or even whether Adam "not a Christopher" Lambert got banned over... well, I'm not gonna say it), our Christie did get the ban. The equation is very simple: It doesn't matter which Cyrus you are. 5 WTH moments and the banhammer comes (1-2 such moments if you're actually crazy enough).

Therefore, it's going to be a toss-up between Fábio and the Shotgun. The former has undergone quite a few criticism over his inconsistency. While it'd be unfair to call him the defensive version of Adama "hopefully not a Djimi" Traoré, getting exposed like Harvey Weinstein is not a joke. In this sense, he's lucky the boss is now a Welsh (Monk) instead of the previous one from Basque. Otherwise, Karanka would have him busking in the streets of Basque. Against Leeds, the Welsh Monk is in for a fix. Should it be a Brazillian gunning forward or a Shotgun holding down the ammo? This is not just a decision to decide who gets to start. More importantly, this is a strategic decision where the Welsh Monk may live or die as a result.

Tbh, I tried flipping the tactical board around. Not physically, but in my head. It's not good news. I'm referring to the fact that Roofe will be having a go at bringing the roof down on us.

P.S: Before I end this post, I need to inform our Welsh Monk on two things: Their four by two and the likelihood that the great Dane of the Mediterranean will employ a ball anchor out wide. By my own guess, that's where Leeds will try to hold it down and play it forward.

Salted fish, turtle, and Lukaku

Okay, we're now back from the international break (and together with it, the excruciating process of watching British football). At the same time, I hope our Welsh Monk won't take the Welsh job. Let's be frank. Have we ever seen a Chinaman named Darth Vader before? Well, I dunno.

Before I start, please skip the part below if you're a fellow Boro-ther in arms

Recently, the women in my nation and those across the Atlantic made the headlines for all the... well, I don't know how to phrase it. Long story short, Harvey Weinstein may well end up becoming Harvey Grabstein while Park Ju-won became AWARE's pride in the same way the Hwaseong Fortress is the pride of Suwon. Now let me just say that what happened to Jang Ja-yeon shouldn't happen to anyone. You wouldn't want to make Der Wolf angry.

Why am I saying all this? Because recently, Romelu "the black Romulus" Lukaku made the headlines for (a few) wrong reasons. Seriously, I feel sorry for him. Which now comes to my friend Salted Fish. Firstly, congrats on getting married way before I do. Secondly, congrats on marrying a fellow Man Utd fan in the form of a SIA girl. However, I must state that calling her Shufen will most likely get you into trouble. Then again, I know you're throwing me a smoke bomb, that you're hinting there's a girl interested in me and that I happen to know her identity (not that her name is Shufen).

And lastly, you actually mentioned some Lukaku song being sung. I hope you're not referring to correct one (or wrong one depending on whether you're being factual or moralistic). I hope your wife won't interrogate you over this.

Note: Shufen's initials read as SF. The same goes for Salted Fish.  Bloody hell, you do indeed have faith in my superhuman analytical ability. It's like Zhuge Liang saying "略懂，略懂" where in fact he's a genius.

 Unfortunately, I'm still trying to find that "略懂，略懂" part.
Also, please don't mind the turtle, Salted Fish.
Lastly, Zhuge Liang's wife's surname was Huang/Ng.

Enough of this nonsense, let's continue (yes, Boro fans can now switch on back)

It's been a sticky patch for us. While things could have easily turned out worse, the fact is that our current position doesn't exactly read like "smashing the league". More likely it's a case of fans getting smashed. Having money is one thing, but money doesn't win you everything. Look at the blue Mancunians. How many times have they proved a certain Sir A.Fregie that... well, Fergie was correct? In fact, it's utterly stupefying that the red Mancunians have yet to discuss plans of getting a "Fergie Was Right" T-shirt (although I can't predict how Stan "not a S'porean" Lee would react to this).

The same goes for us. Like his BFF's namesake, our Welsh Monk joined a team full (and high) on promises. Unlike the more famous Pep, he has yet to find the correct way. At least the bald version of Pep is currently enjoying his football via a 3 man backline plus Fernandinho.

However, it must be stated that our Welsh Monk's apparent indecisiveness doesn't extend to the backline. In fact, the stability is there with the problem pointing to the final third instead of our defensive third. Don't believe me?

Relevance between attack and defence

Unlike our Welsh Monk, our Señor doesn't require two goals to send a strong message. Rather, one goal was enough. Which is why I still feel Boro under the previous regime was like Valencia under Quique "one-nil" Sánchez Flores. And therein comes the problem.

There's only this much our backline can do if our firing squad isn't scoring. Defensive teams don't have to worry about not scoring enough because their system doesn't rely on a good offence to ease pressure off the backline. For someone like our Welsh Monk, effective pressure from our firing third is the only way for the back 6 to do their job properly (back 7 if we're to talk abt 4-3-3). Hence, I'll only be talking about the firing third. But before that...

We need to decide whether Ryan has a place in the squad

I didn't see the last match against Brentford. However, it seemed that Ryan "the shotgun" Shotton had a terrible day. It's like my friend Ryan hitting me with a rugby tackle due to adrenaline overdose. While I've never held any grudges against him, the fact is that he got the wrong target. Likewise, Ryan the Shotgun hit the wrong note. Yet, please allow yours truly to play the devil's advocate.

Firstly, I don't know why Dael "he's the opposite of small fry" Fry got taken down. Yes, mistakes happen. Such move is never a wise one considering the central defensive area is the one that requires coordination more than any other dept. How much time do you think Ryan the Shotgun had to try clicking with the team? If training sessions are good enough, then we might as well expect a starting XI full of kids. After all, Fergie was right in doing that years ago!

Secondly, how much playing time Ryan the Shotgun had before joining us? Assuming the Brum Mail wasn't lying like a politician or lawyer, the lad failed to start 5 games in a row! For someone who only missed 3 games out of 46, this hundred-eighty degree turn in fortunes shouldn't be underestimated.

Suffice to say, I'm willing to cut him some slack. Physically and mentally, he's not 100% there on the pitch. It's not because he's only after his weekly bread. Rather, I believe he's only human and that you don't expect the most from someone of his circumstances.

I did a Google search on him just now. Apparently, he was able to play rightback, right wingback, and even a right winger or a makeshift forward. However, it seems that he's more of a specialised defensive right player more than anything else. His ability as a makeshift forward went like "due to his 6 ft 3 in frame". In other words, he's most likely a player capable of tackling and holding down play. While using him as a stand-in for Big Fry can be seen as a tactical risk, I have no problem with him playing at the rightback. Problem is, we already got a Cyrus. Not the twerking Cyrus or the Persian one, but rather Miley Cyrus "not a Persian" Christie.

My best guess is that Shotton is meant to be a replacement of sorts for Ben "His Royal Highness" Gibson. But that's assuming he ends up bailing to somewhere higher up during the next transfer window. Which isn't too long a wait. That's the only logical reason behind a seemingly daft move. In fact, we may even see Stewart "going down or up?" Downing outing himself from the team during the most disruptive period of any football season bar the African Cup of Nations (thankfully, we're no Liverpool). In other words, Shotton's future is still up in the air where plenty will hinge on Big Ben's call.

Master Strategist needed. No need for experience or degree, only pure genius.

Above header is meant as a joke. However, it must also be stated that our Welsh Monk is in no man's land (or no Monk's land if you wanna put it this way). This is due to the manner of names in the firing third dept. No matter how I look at it, there are egos abound. No matter where I see it, it's a man-management nightmare. In fact, this is the kind of situation which the likes of Chris "Scipio Anglofricanus" Hughton, Sean "pretty sure he's no douche" Dyche, and Ian "he's barking mad like yours truly" Holloway wouldn't like to handle.

In short, I won't be surprised if our Welsh Monk is out to create the kind of strategy where the attacking lineup can be customised according to the opposition. At the same time, it can also maximise the chances of any attacking substitution count. Problem is, you don't expect to win a match with 30 mins remaining. Yes, such victories have happened before. But to rely on that? Señor might be trying just that last season where 'tis better to score one and win it 1-0 late. Sadly, he got sacked as a result.

So what should our Welsh Monk do to avoid his own grabstein?

Get a stable firing squad and be honest with the rest

Players like their bosses to be honest. I mean, let's be realistic. Would you want to work for someone who is clearly fake? Not in a physical sense ofc, but rather in terms of daily interaction and relationship. I'm a working adult, I know the importance of work relationship with my boss. This is not to say currying favour is the best way out. Rather, it's down to whether your boss can be trusted to respect you. Respect you as an individual and professional.

This is what our Welsh Monk needs to do. Nail down on a consistent lineup and be honest to those under him. If the players are mature enough, they will know, understand, and gladly accept. Otherwise... well, I don't know how useful an immature player is to any team's cause. Remember, Fergie was right. Well, perhaps not all the time, but surely most of the time. Go ask David "he got a golden boot" Beckham if you don't believe my words.

Note: Due to the likes of Downing and Lewis "not a Hamilton" Baker, this also means being honest with the midfield instead of just the ones in the firing line upfront. 

Two rigged deals, one black hole

I apologise if above header sounds racist. But then again, I think most (if not all) of our attacking players are as black as Lukaku (no lewd songs, please. Just a big hell no). Our Welsh Monk needs to decide with two positions should be rigged. Not like Wilson "not Willy" Raj doing it illegally, but to do so legally.

If he's going with a 4-3-3, ideally it should be the two attacking wide berths. In fact, our friendly against Augsburg should have amounted to something. At the same time, though, nailing down the central striking role and one wide position is also doable. This is due to Britt "the black Britt" Assombalonga's ability to roam within the final third without the ball. Which makes him an ideal wide forward since there's plenty of space for him to pick out the best pass.

If he's out to do a 4-2-3-1, then it'd be trickier. Because 4-2-3-1 is a formation more synonymous to being systematic, I prefer 3 fixed roles and one position up for grabs.

Lastly, it's surely somewhere and never nowhere

This refers to our source of goals. I still remember José "O Especial" Mourinho coming to my country during 2012. In fact, I even recall clearly that this was somewhere in the middle of Euro 2012. He said goals win you games. However, I don't think he mentioned signing Mesut "the Ottoman Turkish delight" Özil for this very purpose. Yet, the fact remains that creativity is the source of many goals (maybe that's the reason why my national team sucks).

Our Welsh Monk needs to decide where to place the fulcrum creativity. Should it be out wide? Or in the space between the midfield and firing line? Nearer to the backline since he did just that with Downing before? No one needs to tell him two fulcrums instead of one. After all...

1. We're no Barcelona.

2. Monk isn't Pep. BFF Pep or the other Pep, it doesn't matter.

The (transfer) window shuts and the fun now starts

Finally, the transfer window slammed itself shut. And with that, the revolving door of deals (and players) going in and out. Somewhere down south, Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte must have been vomiting blood over two nearly-there deals. Everton might have accidentally helped its much hated BFF at Anfield by parking a bus between Ross "not Charles" Barkley and a supposedly dream move down south. As for Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente, it's a case of the player going towards the wrong end of London (in Chelsea speak ofc). Still, it remains to be seen whether Il Bestia will be getting mooned anytime soon.

This meme is proof that irony is the mother of reality in the same way necessity is the mother of invention.
Also, we can see that trolling face behind Conte.

Let's get the best part out of the way first...

Because this part is all about my beloved Boro and I'm pretty sure only 10% of the global football audience will only pay attention. Firstly, I need to get that crazy chimp riding a pogo stick off my back. Namely...

Before anyone jumped to any conclusion, let it be said that nothing came out of the (royal) horse's mouth. Months after the inevitable, Leo "actual Uruguayan, last name sounds like a Serb" Percovich has departed while Jonathan "a gate made of wood, stone, and steel" Woodgate was given a second shot at redemption via the Academy end. Which makes the whole silence... well, I won't call it unsettling, but rather baffling. You're not dealing with some politician of the same name (believe it or not), just some honest bloke still hungry to prove himself. Last time I checked, the assistant head coach spot is still vacant ever since our Welsh Monk's BFF chose that place more famous for academic excellence than football. Last time I checked, His Royal Majesty Gibbo has yet to say a single word. Let alone a complete sentence.

I don't know what's going on, neither do the rest (apart from those involved). I won't be surprised if Boro Steve became ex-Boro Steve. Yet, I do find it weird that it has dragged this long.

It's not as if we're dealing with North Korea.

At the end of the day, it will still be interesting to see who will be our Welsh Monk's no.2. It's starting to feel like Sun Ce waiting for his Zhou Yu.

Note: I realised I got no time to start talking about other teams. Simply put, this post has been officially changed to Boro exclusive. Not that I'm good enough for this unless I'm proven to be a genius strategist (not to be confused with a master tactician). In that case, someone from the club needs to interview me.

Continuing from the above part...

Which means we're still at Boro. In this post, I'll be touching on two areas. Namely, where have we been doing it right (rather than doing it wrong) and whether Jota (not to be confused with the one Nuno "El Spirito" Espírito Santo borrowed from Diego "El Troll" Simeone) would make us rue the day we refused to pay a North Korean ransom for his signature.

Firstly, where have we done right so far? It's very easy for us to press the panic button. After all, Rudy "get in there, Rudy!" Gestede got shot down by a freak injury. At the same time, we're guaranteed a no-show from Martin "the great black Dane" Braithwaite. Quite literally. Our problem right now is that we will be visiting the Emmanuel Macron Stadium without a target man. In fact, the rest of our attacking players are either wingers or strikers below 1.8 metres. I can virtually guarantee our Welsh Monk that Bolton will play it high, physical, and counter-attacking. While this is not to say David "I no longer eat parmo like a local lad" Wheater and his BFFs on the pitch will press us like Barcelona (or Manchester City for that matter), at least it means the Emmanuel Macron Stadium won't be running short of blood and thunder in the middle 3rd. Classic Tony "the Pulveriser" Pulis fare if you're to ask me.

However, this is not to say that we're at a disadvantage. Even though Aitor "El Señor" Karanka has left us, his legacy still lives on. Yet, this isn't a legacy of nightmares and Pennywise the Dancing Clown. It is a legacy of defensive organisation, the very stuff of Teesside steel the Evening Gazette pointed out just days ago. While one can argue the approach is different, there's no denial of the fact that...

1. Most of the deals we've done involved attacking players who are either wingers or forwards.

2. The only notable addition to our backline is Miley Cyrus "not a Persian" Christie.

3. I don't remember any big names from the defensive end going anywhere/somewhere. Not even the likes of Ben "His Royal Highness" Gibson.

While it's hard to discern how much of a Karanka our Welsh Monk has become so far (at least I'm sure it's not THAT much), it must be noted that Karanka emphasised greatly on keeping the ball on the ground when it comes to defending (read: classic mid-tier Spanish football). Unlike Karanka, our Welsh Monk is more of a daring Gwalchmei (pretty sure only the Welsh will understand this word) than a pragmatic amigo. Like Karanka, our Welsh Monk enjoys overseeing football on the ground instead of Anglo-Saxon artillery fired over the English Channel to Macron knows where. In other words, it's not really that surprising. It's all about finding a common ground (said common ground actually has a name, he's called Adam "the Claymore" Clayton). And our Welsh Monk has done so just fine. So far so good, that is 

Secondly, will we rue the day Birmingham paid a North Korean ransom in our stead? Unless proven wrong, I wholeheartedly agree with the bloke who wrote the article arguing why missing out Jota ain't a big money of a deal. When His Royal Majesty Gibbo refused to pay the kind of ransom Pyongyang would demand from neighbouring countries (including China for that matter), do you think he's stupid? I'm pretty sure there are still arguments going about whether Jota would have given us a different edge. After all, he has a playmaker's technical ability and a winger's pace aplenty. Let me kill off this argument once and for all. Like an assistant boss (because the actual boss is our Welsh Monk).

I know the above image is nothing short of an irony. Played against us previously, now officially part of us. Sounds familiar? Well, that's football for all of us (plus the likes of Sol "without a soul according to half of North London" Campbell and Ashley "did Spurs fans manage to make up a song about karma minus Glenn Hoddle?" Cole).

I've seen a bit of his history and it proves either one of two things.

\

1. He's a mercenary like Deadpool.

2. He's merely a hungry lad out to prove himself.

Because he's officially one of us, I prefer to play it nice (and honest) by assuming he's a player whose hunger mirrors that of our Welsh Monk. But seriously, we have Pep "seems that every Pep is from Catalonia apart from the one in the SGH retail pharmacy" Clotet to thank. After all, once a BFF, forever a BFF.

Let me first talk about playmakers. Or creative players if you like to call them this way. While they come in different shapes, sizes, and nationality (not to mention ethnicity and sexuality as well), they tend to fall under two main categories.

Below are examples of Cat I playmakers

The Cat I playmakers aren't exactly the preferred English fare. After all, either they don't win enough second balls or they spent too much time on the ball. In the worst case scenario, they ended up winning too many yellow cards and spending too much time on getting the red ones. Yet, it must be stated that the human beings don't just operate with heart alone. Only animals would do that. To be a human being, you need both heart and brains. And that's what the Cat I playmakers are all about: Brains.

So how can you identify such playmakers? Very simple. They tend to start off playing passes from the back. Such players are called deep-lying playmakers for a reason. They are the strategists of any team, the con man in a team of honest blokes doomed to perish without acts of knavery. They are definitely the Robin Hood to the Sherriff of Nottingham, the Jon Snow to that mad cat known as Catelyn Stark (or Tulley since they killed Ned for being honestly dumb). Also, no Dany jokes please.

Below are examples of Cat II playmakers

Apart from Karim "Le Benz" Benzema, every player above is a Cat II. The thing with the word playmaker is that it can be very misleading. Playmakers aren't simply the lazy Euro Johnny dumbing down the gritty Union Jack. Playmakers are defined by their ability to find space and potential chances before opponents have the chance to realise something amiss. This ability is NOT limited by playing style. Likewise, it has got nothing to do with hogging the ball like a Portuguese Narcissus (well, at least Thomas "Der Hattori Hanzō" Müller doesn't do that from my best of understanding). The Cat II type involves a more athletic approach. They won't just sit back and wait for the defence to play the ball to them.

Therefore, they tend to feature prominently in offensive positions anywhere in the firing squad. If we're talking about 4-2-3-1, such players are most likely seen anywhere across the attacking trio behind the lone ranger ahead. However, it has also been proven that a false 9 approach where the so-called attacking midfielder ended up playing the lone vanguard actually works. This was the system which made Lionel "he now looks more like Lionel Clayton" Messi into a global name when Pep "pretty sure he's not Monk's actual BFF" Guardiola took over from Frank "not de Boer" Rijkaard. At the same time, this was the system Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw used to devastating effect during World Cup 2014 (albeit I won't put it past him "plagiarising" Pep in the first place).

After going on a lengthy journey, what am I trying to prove, you might ask. The answer is very simple. When fans were calling for Jota's signature instead of his head, it must be stated that he belongs to the Cat II type. At the same time, however, His Royal Majesty Gibbo was no wheeling-dealing slouch (of course, it must be stated that our Welsh Monk is most likely in full charge of who he wants to sign). Signing Marvin "neither Emnes nor Adam" Johnson was... well, exactly what the fans wanted. Not in terms of the name, but rather in terms of the playing style.

Capable of playing anywhere in the firing third? Yep.

Primarily known as a winger? Who cares?

So hold off your guns and fire, my fellow Boro-thers-in-arms. Ever since the acrimonious manner which Gastón "let's hope he remains as El Bello Bestia instead of some other Gaston" Ramírez left the club, surely the deal can't get any worse. At least I hope so.

Post-Battle of the Caesars: Scipio's Report

Apparently, I was being a lazy bastard. Too much gaming and too little (football) analysing. As a result, I can only pull this off.

The T-word

If there's anything more NSFW than the semi-graphic portrayal of the latest court drama, it'd be this. Will he or won't he? Right now, it seems that Barcelona is in desperado modo in the face of Neymar's departure. Suffice to say, plenty will be said in the next few weeks. In fact, it's quite likely that he will be a figure more reviled than Luís "not Suárez" Figo. To be brutally honest, I did have my own reservation when Barca officially signed Neymar. To me, this lad has an ego the size of Russia (which incidentally is the largest country in the world in terms of land mass). I have no questions about his class, just that I was left wondering whether he'd be willing to play second fiddle to the likes of Lionel "El Pequeño Leon" Messi and Andrés "El Gigante" Iniesta. For a few seasons, he proved me wrong. This time, I might have been proven right. A brief look at PSG's current first team crème de la crème would betray the likes of Julian "Der Dazzler" Draxler, Ángel "El Arcángel" Di María, and Edinson "El Caballero" Cavani. Thing is, none of them has Neymar's larger than life presence (let alone ego). The fact that he's given the no.10 shirt says it all.

Assuming the worst actually happened, that Philippe "O Conjurador" Coutinho actually decided to follow his fellow Brazilian's example by wiping his bare arse with his last signed contract first, what should Jürgen "Der Kop Kaiser" Klopp do? It's not as if people will laugh and say the gaffer is just another Weasel.

Assuming that someone goes and no one comes in, it means the firing three will most likely consist of Sadio "apparently, he doesn't have a mane" Mané, Roberto "Kop's next top false 9?" Firmino, and Mohamed "Chelsea sign him=salah, Liverpool sign him=tak salah" Salah. Something which has happened against Watford. Now let me just point out that Salah may well be Liverpool's signing of the season. Last season,  #TeamRoboKop was sorely lacking a creative spark from the width. While the likes of Mané, Firmino, and Coutinho can play out wide, problem is that they do not have pace and trickery combined. The nearest player to this category of creative wide man would be Daniel "he dances like a partridge" Sturridge. In the event Coutinho goes, it'd be interesting to see whether Sturridge will become the black Liverbird or shot down like a dumb dancing partridge.

Above image means only one thing. More than ever, Adam "not Forshaw" Lallana can't get himself permacrock. A brief look at Liverpool's starting midfield betrayed a shocking lack of creativity in the middle 3. While Emre "Can he or Can't he?" Can look more and more like the heir apparent to Sami "Der Krieger" Khedira, questions should be asked about the inclusion of Georginio "the black Stevie G?" Wijnaldum and Jordan "unrelated to my primary school" Henderson. The former is a classic box to box holding mid while the latter can never pass it like Scholes as much as the Kop faithful would want to kill me for this insult (I know Steve Ang will anyway). Unless those Yanks can pull off a coup by signing Marco "not Castarratti" Verratti, Lallana will most likely have to assume the role of Iniesta. Interestingly, Salah's pace and trickery may pave the way for Der Kop playing a 4-2-3-1. You have Mané cutting in from the flank (like what he has always done with aplomb) and either Lallana or Firmino playing in the hole 9. Lastly but not the least, this basically means Der Klopp has to throw the die on Divock "will he shock us this season?" Origi being the orthodox 9 like what Robert "Big Lews" Lewandowski did last time round before being tempted by the promise of an all year round Oktoberfest.

Before I go to sleep...

Let me just say something about my beloved Boro. What promised so much for us ended up in a defeat. I saw the result between Derby and Wolves on Livescore. Coupled with whatever little I managed to glean from the Sky live feed last Saturday, Nuno "El Spirito" Espírito Santo's greatest weapon may not be Rúben "and to think people assumed he'd say 'NEVER!' to the Chinese splashing out their Chinese cash" Neves. Rather, it might turn out to be someone possibly with the net worth less than half of 14 million quids.

This is Barry "unrelated to Michael" Douglas. Not to be confused with Michael "unrelated to Barry" Douglas.

Against a team blessed with two creative players in the form of Neves and Diogo "last name sounds Japanese" Jota, the Welsh Monk set out with a half arsed middle 3. While I can understand the need to create a shielding screen for George "BFF" Friend in the form of Marten "fights like a marten, running like the Roon" De Roon, it basically means Jonny "the howitzer" Howson was our only effective source of long passes. Despite playing with a half-arsed middle 3, we managed to keep Wolves at bay. Come the second half, we're pinned back. It wasn't a freak coincidence that the introduction of Adam "not a Lallana" Forshaw changed the game with 25 mins to go. With two long passing blokes in front of Adam "again not a Lallana" Clayton, we turned the screws on a team which might have invested more money than us (just don't ask me about Jota's net worth). Yes, it exposed a hole in front of our BFF, but every tactic and strategy have their own risk. In this sense, there's not much difference between 10% risk factor and 30% risk factor. Our defeat wasn't so much about performance, but rather a case of strategic defeat. Given that it took our Welsh Monk 65 mins to get things right, we actually acquitted ourselves well. And when I say we, I include our Welsh Monk as well.

If there's anything we can learn from last season, it wouldn't be from Aitor "where will he go next?" Karanka. Rather, it's from another amigo from the glitzy half of the Spanish capital. Namely, Zinedine "Le Professeur X" Zidane. On the first glance, his decision to play Toni "Der Stark" Kroos and Luka "Skywalker" Modrić nearer to the back 4 halfway through the Champions League finale last season was anything but tactically sane. With Casemiro cut loose from the chains binding him, pundits could be forgiven for thinking Le Professeur X had gone barking mad like Magneto. Surprise! The Romans from Turin had no answer to a barrage of chances created from the back. While it must be cautioned that we're no Galácticos, I truly doubt it will harm our Welsh Monk's Boro cause by emulating someone who looks and thinks like Charles Xavier himself. Last time I checked, Clayton was more of an orthodox box to box offensive mid before joining our Boro cause.

Battle of the Caesars Day I: Scipio's Report

Every fan of football (or soccer if you're a Yank) please skip this nonsense intro

Beliebers in Singapore must be mourning at this point of time. I don't have to spell it out that a blockbuster act has just decided to... well, I won't say rage quit. But still...

Fear not, however, my fellow S'poreans. Even though I'm no Belieber, it's my duty to showcase what the world (may) have been missing all the while!

Disclaimer!

Despite the misleading nature of the post title, I don't profess myself to be some sort of military genius. No, there's no reason for Cristiano "#CR7" Ronaldo to call me friend unlike a fellow Singaporean. Yes, I'm short in stature like Alexander the Great. Maybe around 3 cm taller than Emilia "it makes romance IMPOSSIBRU!!!! since 2014" Clarke. That doesn't make me a Greek in the first place. Yes, I'm no Roman in the same way Scipio was most likely black. That doesn't make me Rome's BFF. Definitely, I'm not Rome's worst nightmare.

Interestingly enough, my dad mentioned that I'm actually a descendant of Guo Ziyi.




FC Bayern München-3

First things first, I didn't watch the match. Rather, this post will be done based on whatever little I understood based on the teamsheet. Secondly, it doesn't give me a reason to hold back. If I'm good enough, it means a recommendation letter may end up making its way from London to a small town named Middlesbrough. Otherwise, I've got nothing to lose anyway.

Let's talk about the winner first. As a typical Roman pragmatist, one can't blame Carlo "Signore Milan" Ancelotti for preferring an orthodox 9 approach unlike Pep "not Monk's BFF" Guardiola's unorthodox false 9 strategy (something which enabled Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw to achieve national success during 2014). However, a sign may already be put in place when it comes to a tactical shift. Signore Milan's footballing philosophy mirrors his gentleman image perfectly well. Like how a gentleman handles diplomacy, Signore Milan's strategy hinges heavily on controlling the ebb and flow of the game. As a Roman, any team under him would have to understand discipline and knowing when to step on the accelerator.

The most notable example of the latter rule would be Kingsley "Coman the (Black) Barbarian" Coman. When he got the contract he wanted, I'm pretty sure he breathed a sigh of relief. Prior to his D-Day victory, the poor lad was sweating over his future. On one hand, he was no longer that blue eyed (black) boy under Pep's swashbuckling Catalan style. On the other hand, one couldn't fault the lad for feeling confident after his national exploits secured victory for Emmanuel "can he macro-manage France to greatness?" Macron. Okay, that last statement was a joke. More specifically, his presence out wide enabled Didier "Monsieur Bleu" Deschamps to up Les Bleus' game without the aid of Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba. After all, I did mention something concerning Les Bleus playing two up front. The only problem? Signore means Signore, not Senyor or Monsieur. Fast forward to now and what is it that we're seeing? Previously, Douglas "neither Diego nor a Rui" Costa was the preferred choice out wide. Now, it's Coman's turn to enjoy his Oktoberfest.

Not this type of Oktoberfest.
If I've offended anyone who has unliked SG Wine Cellar on FB, I apologise.

To understand how Coman can become Conan's barbarian bro next season, one has to look at Signore Bavaria's first substitution. Two half-time changes were made. The first was of no significant value since it's one keeper for another. The second one might be quite intriguing to the likes of Jamie "my dad never made Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson famous" Carragher, Gary "not to be confused with Phil" Neville, and Alan "Barcelona already got Figo" Shearer. Not so to me. By taking down a proven centre forward in the form of Robert "Big Lews" Lewandowski, Coman's presence effectively moved Thomas "Der Ninja" Müller into the false 9 territory. Sounds familiar? Well, it should. Remember what I said on Pep and Löw using the false 9 system?

The role of the false 9 is all about controlling the game via a top down manner. Instead of playing the ball forward from the midfield or even via the back, this system ensures the ball can be retained anywhere from the firing line to the middle 3rd. Conversely speaking, such an approach can easily free up at least 3 players to go forward. Hence, it's only natural to imagine Coman benefitting the most. Ultimately, this tactical switch can easily move either James "El Reemplazable" Rodríguez or Franck "Le Cicatrice" Ribéry into the hole 9. In other words, it's called thinking out of the box, something which we S'poreans aren't exactly known for. Knowing Signore Bavaria's style, I won't put it past him using Ribéry as a no.10 instead of a 7. If you're still in awe of Ribéry's ability to pass the ball while being marked by 2-3 men, I can assure you that I've seen it back during the World Cup 11 years ago. Ironically, that was during Germany 2006.

However, it was the introduction of Miloš "not to be confused with another Milo" Pantović which highlighted Signore's uncharacteristic bravery. In one single move, he resembled more of an impetuous Teutonic commander rather than a calculated Roman tactician. Case in point: Can you imagine Ribéry and Rodríguez being part of a middle 3? That's how insane Signore can be. Of course, as we all know by now, there's always a fine line separating a madman from a genius. That's why we Singaporeans need more effort to understand crazy people. Lest you don't know, Pantović plays as a striker. If I remember correctly, the nearest thing to this tactical insanity was deploying Ángel "El Arcángel" Di María in the same manner. Don't laugh, Signore really did that prior to El Dinero saying "you're fired" in both Spanish and Italian (I forgot who were the other two in the middle 3 though).

Chelsea F.C-2

At the other end of Saxonland, we have Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte. Not so long ago, he's having trouble with Diego "El Bestia" Costa. If you think Costa was a beast on the pitch throughout the season, you're not wrong. If you suspect Costa has always been a beast off the pitch... well, perhaps you're not entirely wrong. The comedy surrounding the timing of Conte signing a two-year extension couldn't be any more evident. Why I said that is very simple: Shortly after this, Álvaro "もらった!" Morata signed on the dotted line. If there's anything more surreal than this, it'd be Costa accosting Zhang "don't call her Xinyu or Viann" Bichen.

Recently, another bloke in blue got himself into the messy world of transfer rumours. This is now that moment of the year where people purchased the Sun not just for the sake of... well, breasts. Ladies and lads, I present to you...

Will he or won't he? Will Nemanja "not Vidić" Matić follow the footsteps of another Nemanja? Or will he stay like a loyal centurion? More than talking about transfers and how long will the actual Khaleesi stay single, I enjoy talking about tactics. More specifically this amigo below.

Assisting has to be the most thankless task in the offensive category. More oft than not, you won't score goals. And even if you do, the hero will always be Costa. In the event where Old Trafford will see its new Nemanja Vidić, who should take over from him? Will it be a purchased replacement like for like? Or will N'Golo "Le Kanté Noir" Kanté have to entrench himself further behind? One interesting view from the latest defeat is this. Kanté's defensive tenacity was the reason why Leicester could play a direct four by four without being too defensive. At the same time, he was also the reason why David "he plays the ball like a harpist" Luiz could excel last season despite people calling Il Bestia a barking mad beast for signing him. There was no Luiz in sight for the starting lineup. Andreas "think he never played before GTA: San Andreas" Christensen may have been intended as somewhat a like-for-like alternative. Would it have mattered at all if Luiz started instead? Apparently, the answer is no.

The central midfield polarity in that match has to be the kind of mistake Il Bestia can ill-afford to make once the real season kicks off (in fact, those midfield goons can easily kill Chelsea come 6th Aug in this way if I say so myself). The screw up happening here actually exposed Chelsea's central midfield unnecessarily. Without Kanté's imposing presence in front of the back 3, seeing Cesc "El Fabuloso" Fàbregas playing in deep lying position was nothing short of an invitation to attack. It's a no-brainer. Yes, I acknowledge Il Bestia's intention to prevent the Bavarians from playing the ball at their own pace and leisure. The problem is, this approach won't work if you have six Teutons flooding the middle 3rd in the form of a four by two backline. A player of Der Ninja's calibre would surely relish such a scenario like a shark smelling blood. A 3-4-2-1 approach means Michy "will he be Belgium's Batman?" Batshuayi has to track back more often than not. His pace and athleticism are well suited for this role, but it's only provided that Chelsea can muster an effective counterattacking game. With Kanté doing a Casemiro, there's no chance Fàbregas could have pulled off a perfect counteroffensive ball passing machine like Toni "Der Eiserne Mann" Kroos and Luka "the Force is still strong in him" Modrić.

The whole midfield strongman going forward approach did work for Los Blancos during their Champions League final victory over Juventus. But that's because Le Professeur X played a back 4. What this means is that for Casemiro to play the big occasion hero, there must be sufficient defensive cover to facilitate a "passing the ball from the back" approach. Juventus couldn't find a way to stabilise and attack, the Romans from Turin got done for (ironically, this approach was the reason why Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri was able to one-up Le Professeur X for the first 45 mins). That's why Los Blancos could turn the tables come the second half. Yes, CR7 wrote a new chapter in his footballing career. But it was the tactical brilliance of Le Professeur X which won the match.

Back to Chelsea. Should the central midfield polarity be reversed, would it be better? The key thing lies in winning the ball and securing possession. As the master tactician of a back 3 system, it's up to Il Bestia to decide how not to expose a hole the size of a giant Serb. Should Il Bestia decide to pull back the wingbacks nearer to the back 3, the momentum of the match might have swung to his favour. Yes, the opponent would still have the ball. Yes, there's still Der Ninja to deal with. But at least there's a better chance of winning the ball from the back. Personally, I don't see a problem with this current central midfield pairing, just that there's a need to control possession from the back 3 to the centre forward. As such, a 3-4-3 would have suited Il Bestia better. Which now comes to this amigo below.

Quite obviously I'm not referring to Ned. Rather, it's Álvaro "もらった! " Morata. Yes, he may not have Batshuayi's pace and athleticism. Quite obviously, he's never one to force his way in like Costa. However, he holds up the ball quite well. Like Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente, Morata is... well, another El Trasero. If you can hold up play with your arse facing the opponent's goal, it means you should be good enough to hold up play with your arse facing your own midfield. That's why Il Bestia signed him in the first place. Otherwise, why would you think Chelsea is insane enough to splash the cash on someone cursed with abysmal stats? It doesn't matter whether the likes of Eden "the Duke of Hazzard" Hazard and Pedro can hold down play in the final third. In fact, creating a stranglehold from the back 3 to the centre forward is more important with the wingbacks reinforcing the defence when needed. So long the ball is firmly in control within Chelsea's own half, the opponents will be forced to pour their numbers forward. Period.

Of course, this doesn't necessarily mean El Fabuloso in front and Le Kanté Noir behind. Yes, the latter is a must. In the wonderful world of strategy and tactics, who are we to judge Il Bestia if he can win a treble (or even a quadruple) next season by plastering both to the back 3 side by side?

And lastly...

I'll be rounding up this post with whatever little I've seen in the last 4 mins (minus stoppage time) between the cockfighting roosters from England and the wolves from Rome. I'm not going to speculate who will be the next big target of Jewtown poaching since Mauricio "will he be sipping a cup of cappuccino by end of season?" Pochettino. Definitely, it won't be me.

Firstly, Roma. What I saw was a team which played like someone out to ask a killing from Luciano "Il Alfa" Spalletti. Thing is, Il Alfa is no longer the Gaius Julius Caesar there. Instead, they got themselves a Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus Augustus (yes, I know that's a cumbersome name for an emperor most well known for legalising Christianity). Eusebio "Il Eusébio" Di Francesco, that's the name of Roma's Constantine the Great. The last gasp winner was a sudden break and counter move from the way I see it. Granted any person's energy level will drop more than a tad bit after running non-stop for 86 mins, but I noticed one interesting trend within a short span of 4 mins sans stoppage time. Unlike the aggressive pack of wolves running across the plain under Il Alfa, the current pack of hunters under Il Eusébio played more like predatory canines lying in wait in the forest. More specifically, the wolve from Romes were controlling the game via the flank. If that was indeed Il Eusébio's strategy, then it may mean plenty of break and counter action from the central area. I won't be surprised if Roma will be a surprise candidate for the Scudetto next season. Il Alfa, be glad that the pack you left behind is now in good hands.

Next, Tottenham. Il Bestia recently questioned the sanity behind Daniel "the Jewish Levy" Levy's "no more money" logic. If you are in Pochettino's shoes, how would you react? Will you stay your hand? Or will you flare up like an Argentine nationalist whenever someone mentioned the Falklands War? More than tempers flared, I prefer to speak up on what I see. Namely, a consistent pattern of slowing down play at the back, only to play a long pass/cross into the opponent's half. This is deceptively Pochettino, I'll have to admit. Last season, he played a more orthodox holding mid game. One defensive anchor and the other being Mousa "not this Dembélé" Dembélé. This strategy worked wonders due to the latter's off-ball box to box running and superior ball control. Assuming Eric "he plays more like Hawkeye than the Hulk" Dier stays, all Pochettino needs to enjoy a nice meal at Tino's Pizza Cafe (at Tiong Bahru Plaza, which is near my home no less) is this: Just make sure Dembélé can pass it like Scholes instead of bending it like Beckham. Assuming Dier can't be tied down... well, it should be still the same strategy. Just don't kick it like Cantona.

Yep, it's an ancient Chinese art martial alright.

Okay, that's all for you football fans (or soccer fans if you're all about 4th July)

Click this vid only if you want to know who is that girl they call Bichen...