Boro, Steve, and the Welsh Monk

I should have done this earlier. Period. In the end, my instinct to procrastinate has come back to haunt me once more. Anyway, I guess it's still a case of better late than never. *shrugs*

Before I get started... (read: skip this part unless you want to torture yourself)

It looks like a weird piece of news. If it wasn't 100% official, I'd thought it's fake news. No, I'm not referring to which Lee is lying through the teeth (or even how many Lee Wei Lings are there in the local Singaporean healthcare sector). Rather, it's the International Champions Cup 2017. It doesn't make any sense at all. Period. You have FC Bayern München in China, you also have FC Bayern München in Singapore. If the Germans are only in Singapore for the local national team, then one can be forgiven for calling this normal. Problem is, the opposition they'll face can easily spank the Singaporean lions 10 goals to nil if they're really on song.

We have Chelsea.

And Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte

 I Nerazzurri

I srsly dunno what is pelatoso. I just find the mugshot funny. Period.

And ofc the most bloody obvious...

No, it doesn't make any sense at all. Ever. This is no Batman versus Superman or even Deadpool versus Cable. There are no superpowers involved here, therefore I dare say the sight of Bavarians having to run two trips instead of one is a case of anti-logic. Signore, you're pitting your wits against two fellow Signores, not Signore Sundramoorthy. After all, it's not as if I was responsible for Kingsley "Conan's black bro?" Coman getting signed on a permanent basis till 2020.

Interestingly though, there's a common ground here. Namely, all three master tacticians are Italians by nationality, Romans by identity. Let's do a reality check here.

Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte is a Roman (genius).

Carlo "Signore Milan" Ancelotti is a Roman (gentleman).

Luciano "Il Lupo Alfa" Spalletti is a Roman (son of a gun).

It feels eerie. Absolutely eerie. It feels like I've become some sort of hot commodity.

And now onto my beloved Boro

It's been a roller-coaster ride so far for the whole of Yorkshire. Initially, Boro fans were hoping to get a positive bloke after a gross lack of Spanish balls on the pitch. No one should lack our commitment to holding the fort. But when tenacity from the middle 3rd mattered the most, we bottled it like Cardiff.

Speaks like a ruffian, sips water like a boss. That's El Lobo for ya...

When suspicions first arose about Garry "the Welsh" Monk concerning a potential jump, naysayers were quick to douse the fire. After all, why would he be so stupid to leave a club that was (and still is) looking on the up? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. The fans were behind him and he's got a BFF in the form of Pep "not that one in Manchester" Clotet. What's there to dislike about Elland Road apart from the fact that they enjoy calling us Targaryens in the same way we enjoy calling them the offspring of Jaime and Cersei Lannister(s)?

But took the jump the Welsh Monk did. Depending on how you see it, this was like Luís "never a Nani" Figo going to Real Madrid or Luis "he played football like Figo" Enrique managing Barcelona. If you're to ask me, it's really mind boggling. Ultimately, the only reason I can come up with is some sort of unknown drama going on between him and boardroom. But even then, this should only be seen as speculation. Which now comes to another question...

Why did the Welsh Monk do a Figo/Enrique?

People would be pointing at money. After all, the Welsh Monk isn't the first to be called Judas. When Nigel "the son of fire and brimstone" Pearson took the jump from Hull to Leicester, the angry City faithful called him Judas. Ditto when Roberto "not Mancini" Martínez was branded as Judas with an El as the prefix after he made the switch from Swansea to some place more famous for the pies, rugby, and Paul "he's gotta prove he ain't that walrus Paul" Jewell. In other words, the Welsh Monk won't be the last Judas just like how he wasn't the first one to start with.

Interestingly enough, Judas is actually a variation of Judah. While the former will always be synonymous with traitors and turncoats, the latter is one associated with authority and prestige. In fact, the titular protagonist of Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ written by Lew Wallace went by the first name of Judah!

Okay, I'm digressing here. Let's speculate what may have caused the Welsh Monk to make the switch. While I won't make daring assumptions, I'd like to point out a few things.

1. We have the Special One from Portugal, the (not-so) Normal One from Germany, and the Bald One from Catalonia.  Then we have the Ambitious One from Wales. The thing with the Welsh Monk is this: After having a taste of personal summit reached with Swansea, only a moron would say he's strictly in for the money. By joining Boro, this could easily be interpreted as a message of intent. Not in terms of GBP and quids, but rather success on the highest possible level asap. If he felt Leeds couldn't give him that, it means he would leave. And left the club he did. Funnily enough, I'm pretty sure people won't be calling him the snake on a plane if his next destination was anywhere but Middlesbrough.

2. The Ambitious One has plenty to prove and a tad too little to show. The reason why being that his final season with Swansea was a disaster. As for Leeds, promotion via the playoff would have been a possibility, perhaps even a reality, if the team never bottled it like Arsenal. In fact, this would most likely be a key motivation for the Welsh Monk to prove a point. He may not have said it out, but the cold hard truth can't fool me. Let alone himself.

3. Accusations of money being the driving force would only be complicated by the fact that there's an Elland Sean joining him. No, I'm not bs'ing like what the Sun did during the Hillsborough disaster. I'm no journalist, but I'm telling the truth here.

4. I won't be surprised if the Ambitious One is also a charismatic one. From Swansea to Leeds, from one end of Yorkshire to the other side. It seems that said charisma actually showed in his backroom staff. Hence, me using backroom clergy to describe them.

Out, out, and out (plus an out and out winger)

Out goes Viktor "will he make Mainz his kingdom?" Fischer. This is a Danish prince who promised to be a king. Alas, he was deemed nothing more than Hrunting used against Grendel's mam.

Out will surely go Stewart "all the best to him and not going down" Downing. This is a "club legend" who promised a Return of the King. Alas, he was deemed more of a Faramir than Aragorn. Not to mention as well an ICBM fired from the south to the north.

Out will definitely go Gastón "hope he will revive El Bestia Bello in him" Ramírez. The less said about Leicester and whatever Shakespearean news of dressing room skullduggery, the better. Last time I checked, he was more of a Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and less of a Ramírez from the Highlander. At worst, he's more of a Gaston from Berserk and nothing like Guts himself.

Interestingly enough, one name was never on the chopping block despite a dire need to have Chris "he made Walcott looked like Waffles the Cat" Waddle giving him tuition 24/7.

I'll be brutally frank here. Firstly, he lacks the finesse of Coman the Barbarian when it comes to the final ball. Interestingly enough, his pass success rate reads like 70.3%. Doesn't look like the kind of brainless fellow whom Waddle would want to toast alive like a waffle. The problem lies in the fact that for a player of his nature, 70.3% pass accuracy and zero assists should read like an outright criminal act against football. Call me harsh, but I don't see any common sense in this reality showboating.

But before we start laughing at the Welsh Monk and his equally ambitious backroom clergy, please jump to 2:16. Let me be candid here. I never finished seeing the vid because I don't need to. The reason why is very simple.

Let's talk about the scene at around 2:16 here. It's quite obvious that this lad is capable of winning the ball. It's only a matter of whether he can replicate what we've seen at 2:16 on a consistent basis. In the world of English football, no one is going to castigate you for a failed attempt at winning the ball. Yes, people will be mocking and simmering. But not for long provided you can prove it as a one-off freak accident. In wrestling, we got the half nelson. In football, is it too much for us to expect a Traoré 2:16 in the same way those Yanks would always remember Stone Cold Steve Austin's 3:16?

Then we have his mobility and trickery. The reason why he's able to wrongfoot the opposition lies in his centre of gravity. Built like an ox, nimble like a cat, but he needs to fight like a wolf in its pack. I don't need to finish watching the vid to understand the circular nature of his footwork. That's how he threw the opposition off their feet and on their arses. Sometimes, the movement may be more subtle. Then, there were moments where it's more visible. He doesn't just take the ball and run. He takes the ball, moves his feet a wee bit, and then BOOM! Gone in less than 60 seconds, way faster than Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift's relationship with Tom "his sis made the Witcher more famous" Hiddleston. Some may even say faster than Usain "the black lightning bolt" Bolt and Tyson "no Gay jokes on drugs pls" Gay combined.

Assuming no team would be dumb enough to throw a die on a player yet to prove his footballing brain, it's up to the Welsh Monk to make some decisions (then again, Le Professeur X may actually be that crazy since we all know he enjoys taking a gamble on the young and unproven) The fact that he was swift to make a statement of intent concerning the likes of Downing, Ramírez, and Fischer highlights a fact not so significant in comparison. Namely, he never said anything about Adama "not a Djimi" Traoré.

Playing ball, one pass at a time

I need to end this post asap. However, I need to point out the most important aspect. Namely, the (correct) strategy. When we talk about passing, it's either forward, backwards, or sideway (and no, diagonal doesn't count because it's technically either forward or backwards). It's important for the Welsh Monk to hammer home how important the first and second pass should be. However, it's not a must for both passes to go forward. So long either the first or second pass is going forward, it's good enough. In other words, both passes should never go backwards.

If the first pass is meant to set the tempo (i.e. a 10 yard pass so as to speak), then the second pass should be a statement of intent (i.e.. a pass longer than 10 yards out). If the first pass is meant to tell the players to attack en masse, the second pass should be shorter in order to create a stranglehold in the final third. This is why while it's not a must for both passes to go forward, it also means both passes should never go backwards.

And lastly, let's talk about Steve

Not that creative guano loco icon known as Steve Jobs, but rather Steve "Boro Steve II" Agnew. Where will he go? A few days ago, His Royal Majesty Steve held talks with the previous three. Namely, Agnew, Jonathan "he will always man the gates" Woodgate, and Leo "he's Uruguayan, last name sounds like a Serb" Percovich.

Woodgate has been officially given the keys to being the assistant coach. Not the first team, but rather the Academy. Granted it's a small step forward, but you don't expect a toddler to start running like a twelve-year-old kid.

For Percovich, I fear the worst for him. Out of the three, he's the one person most strongly linked to the previous regime. Having no one stepping in as the assistant head coach means the Welsh Monk would settle for nothing less than his own man. Yes, BFF Pep has gone to Oxford where 12th July will surely be a day to remember for a pair of brothers-in-arms. However, that also means a Pep sized gap waiting to be filled. Simply put, why would the Welsh Monk run the risk of sending the wrong message after getting rid of certain players?

Boro Steve II will most likely the pick for assistant head coach. The reason why being that he's never a Spanish man. In fact, he's more of a Boro man due to how highly those higher up think of him. In other words, circumstances are in his favour more than the other two. At the same time, it seems that he needs more understanding when it comes to striking a balance between the defence and midfield. In fact, this was exactly what happened when he attempted a (Craig) Shakespeare. He was virtually floundering between the Spanish way of defending and his own way of doing a five man midfield. I truly doubt it's a coincidence that we played our better football under him when he did a 3-5-2.

As if a Pep sized gap isn't enough a cause for concern, we have a scouting system demolished to ground zero. The appointment of Victor "blame him for signing Viktor Fischer" Orta was a disaster which promised too much. On paper, there's nothing wrong. Or at least there shouldn't be. Problem was, things really went wrong like how Pompeii was buried under a deluge of ash and lava so many years ago. What this means is very simple. Until we hear something substantial coming from His Royal Majesty Steve and his royal court of advisers, I won't put it past Boro Steve II being tasked with a heavier burden. Namely, doing what the likes of Dave "Boro Dave" Parnaby and Ron "no boner jokes pls" Bone have been doing so faithfully for N years.

P.S: Despite the somewhat ambitious nature (and timing) of this post, I'm not crazy enough to try filling in a Pep sized gap in the current Boro dressing room. Then again, I prefer identifying myself with Rhaegar Targaryen if my beloved Boro should be identified with the Targs. You know the deal between him and Lyanna Stark instead of some Targaryen maiden.

Bella Signora, Hermosa Señorita, and Vincent "Tan Sri" Tan (basically my take on the CL finale)

Yes, I'm back again after swearing myself off this blog until the premier league season is over and my beloved Boro relegated. Dark humour aside, it's really gutting to see Alan "Captain Geordie" Shearer snickering over this fact. Let's face it, folks. He's a Geordie. Period. Interestingly enough, a protracted negotiation happening behind the scenes may not be the end of the world. Something tells me that Gibbo has more things to think about than we'd otherwise believe.

For now, let us focus on the greatest showpiece event in European football.

Cardiff as the venue=Vincent Tan Kuku no more

I know Tan Kuku sounds like some kind of vulgarity. I also know Tan Kuku sounds a bit like the father of Tan Peipei. No. Hell no. Tan Kuku is neither a Hokkien vulgarity nor the name of some beautiful Tan. Tan Kuku means "wait long long". Ah, the vulgar beauty of Singlish. It's like someone telling Prince Harry that calling a person by the name Willy is perfectly okay since not many Singaporeans actually know the British version of... well, Willy.

Please don't click the vid unless you're mentally prepared for NFSW content. It's already bad enough to imagine my future girlfriend being a Hokkien as well instead of being a Cantonese...

Enough of the nonsense, let's talk some serious stuff here. Namely...

Defying history (and the accomplishment of Julius Gaius Caesar as well)

Will this season mark the start of real greatness for Real Madrid? Will the real Madrid stand up tall in this battle of middle third supremacy? If there's anything we can glean from this season of Los Blancos, it'd be bragging rights going to the much-hated twin of Los Rojiblancos. Diego "El Lobo" Simeone is a wonderful tactician and an exceptional man-motivator, let me be this frank. However, it seems that parking the bus is no longer in the vogue. At least not for Los Rojiblancos. El Dinero may have gotten himself the real deal for Real Madrid. Namely, a French genius who has a score to settle with the Romans.

A lot will hinge on Cristiano "Man of Steel" Ronaldo. In the world of modern football, Ronaldo's ability to affect the match via a larger than life charisma alone is second only to Zlatan "I send entire nations into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović. When it comes to the perfect tandem of physical excellence and tactical awareness, I can only identify Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba as the other specimen of footballing perfection. A real monster of a player who is no different than a Tesla girl having the brains of a Tesla guy. It is like what an ex of his said about him here.

Let me be this frank, Ronaldo represents the difference separating Los Blancos and La Signora Omicidi. Yes, Zizou does have Gareth "#GB11" Bale in case there's a need for a smash-and-grab bailout. But let's be honest here.

1. Bale is reportedly not at 100% fighting fit status.

2. Bale is fast and a grafter, he's Batman of the team. In terms of footballing instinct and sheer power, there can only be one Man of Steel. A little wonder why Ronaldo should also be known as O Animal.

The fairy tale of Turin

When we talk about Turin, two things come to mind: Juventus and the Shroud of Turin. When we talking about the word park, a few things come to mind: Park "not Samsung" Ji-sung, Park "why always Park?" Shin-hye, and Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte parking 5 Roman sons of a gun across the midfield last year.

The last part is definitely the mainstay of Juventus. More specifically, the tactical mainstay of Massimiliano "Il Fortezza" Allegri. It's been a breathtaking turnaround, a Cinderella tale in a cutthroat industry no different from the Korean way of showbiz life.

Imagine this: you're a no-hoper to your parents and even your younger sister. The girls you had a crush on saw you as some creepy stalker, a pervert even. People called you 'siao", your AS1 Steve didn't think you'd be able to score a date. Then out of nowhere, you managed to prove your mettle. People started taking note of your tactical prowess, something honed by years of steel and fire. You have that sexy Tesla girl holding a torch for you, her light green cleavage-baring top a blatant show of intent. You finally got yourself a beautiful girlfriend who is also rich and intelligent. Not mention being a local Singaporean like you as well.

Above story will be a fitting script for a Mediacorp drama. For Il Fortezza, it's actually not so drama. But it's still a roller coaster ride. Who can forget the ignominy of throwing away a 2-0 lead against Barcelona years ago? The ordinary Singaporean may not remember this, but I do (mainly because I have the memory of Sir A. Fergie). It wasn't a pretty sight for the San Siro faithful, I suspected the only Romans gloating over this massive collapse are those supporting that other Milan. And of course, it didn't help that AC Milan wasn't able to regain their swag after that defeat. In a strategic sense, the crushing walloping dished out by Team Blaugrana threatened to destroy his career for good.

Fast forward to this season and the irony couldn't be any more apparent. Not only did Il Fortezza make revenge a dish truly best served cold, the fortunes of Barcelona is now more of a roller coaster than what we're seeing in Juventus right now. This is definitely something which would make Glenn "smartest man in the room" Hoddle look like a prophet if his karma comment was directed at somewhere else.

Make no mistakes about it. This is not just a tactical match between Le Zizou and Il Fortezza. It is also a battle between a master tactician and a monster of a player. More than Le Zizou battling the Roman fire, Il Fortezza will be bearing the brunt of the Iberian onslaught.

Where the match shall be won

I need to sleep soon. One problem my parents always have with me is a case of adrenaline rush no different from that of a Roman genius who managed to make a jilted beauty feel loved again. I'd like to say more, but... well, you get the drift.

The battle will be won and lost in two areas. Los Blancos will most likely want to seize the initiative in the central midfield, after which play will be distributed to the flanks. Across the back, there will be a need to be aggressive in winning the ball. More than the midfield, the backline will have to be quick. Juventus is now a team second to none in terms of off-the-ball organisation. In fact, Le Zizou will need his team to play the ball forward like a Roman genius at times (read: playing the ball forward from the back in an inverted horseshoe crab manner).

As for La Signora Omicidi, the midfield will be that make-or-break zone. The onus on Il Fortezza is deciding how far the midfield must push. On one hand, forcing the ball from the midfield to the backline will be the key to victory or defeat for him. On the other hand, he will need to look out for Los Blancos breaking up the pressure anywhere across the back. At the same time, the midfield must be fast enough to track back, win the ball, and strangle the midfield. The team in pure white can afford to boss the ball via the back 4 more so long the midfield can track back to collect the ball. But for that team in black and white, they can't afford to do the same thing because Los Blancos is a team much vaunted for its ability to control the match via a four by two (numerically speaking, no racial derision intended) and aggressive pace down the flank.

My daring prediction?

I know the story of Il Fortezza will resonate with a lot of people. In fact, it also resonates with my own life story as well, sexy local Tesla girl or no sexy local Tesla girl. From a tactical view, however, I Bianconeri has proven itself a tougher nut to crack than Los Rojiblancos in the same way Il Fortezza is now up there with El Lobo in terms of motivation and organisation. Against Barcelona, the defence held firm. Against Monaco, the Roman fortress of Turin remained unbreached. As for Los Blancos, I can't help but feel more than just a wee bit of fragility somewhere. Against Bayern Munich at home, El Dinero earned his big money bragging rights for a good reason: 4 goals scored. On the first glance, it looked pretty. That is until we saw that other team of continental millionaires scoring 2 goals in reply. If it's in that Teutonic arena known as Die Allianz Arena, then it'd be a cause for alarm for the Teutons. Problem was, the goals were leaked at La Santiago Bernabéu. I don't care what the score was in the first leg. If it's 2 goals leaked at home, it shouldn't be looked down at. Against Los Rojiblancos, the only reason why El Lobo lost to that Frankish Saladin was due to a disastrous first leg. Strategically, one could even say Los Rojiblancos were dealt a cruel hand. Imagine what would have happened if the first leg was at La San Mamés instead of La Santiago Bernabéu.

Trust me, Il Fortezza will be reading this post. Erm.. I mean reading the opponent's past matches. Most notably what went wrong for the Frankish Saladin against the Teutons and Los Rojiblancos.

Last minute edit: Nearly forgot to add this. Might as well add some hilarity after the Shrey Bhargava incident and what my friend's (rumoured) SIA colleague said.

If Juventus really manages to clear the final hurdle, the schadenfreude in me will want to dedicate the win to the newly wed couple of Yu Xian and Lee Min. 😂😈😼

Win Arsenal? #IMPOSSIBRU!!!!

It's not every day that I made fun of Japanese. In fact, what I've said about Sora "no lewd jokes, please" Ma should not be interpreted as my brand of politically incorrect humour directed against... well, you get the drift.

Note to my fellow Boro-thers-in-arms: Above section is meant to be ignored. Just treat it as a mad man's raving. Below part is where the real fun comes.

Win Arsenal?

Optimism is at an all-time high. Or is it? Weirdly enough, the Teesside faithful are quietly confident of an upset. The only catch? Every Le Gooner feels the same towards us as well. Let me just say that our outing against Burnley was a hard done deal. Instead of getting burnt by the away team (which is arguably better than us, form-wise at least), we actually gave Burnley our Teesside burn for a large period of time. Make no mistakes about it, Sean "still not a douche" Dyche was out to win this. A look at his starting XI said it all. You have George "not a Kris" Boyd and Robbie "RoboBrad" Brady out wide with Joey "I have a Joe, I have a baton..." Barton in the central mid. Up front, they have Ashley "not a John" Barnes and Andre "50 Shots of Gray" Gray. If this doesn't look like a strong starting XI, it means you're smarter than José "O Especial" Mourinho, Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte, and Jürgen "Der Kop Kaiser" Klopp combined. In other words, you're a footballing Jew.

Suffice to say, Boro Steve's challenge is very simple, yet so difficult. Sounds like an oxymoron?

His challenge is very simple, it lies in the only thing he needs to set right. Namely, the correct balance between attack and defence. Under Señor, we're always running the risk of playing lopsided football. This is also the reason why this is also very difficult for him to get it right. We're racing against time, we're definitely on borrowed time. If we go down, I suspect the only person happy to bid us goodbye would be Alan "Captain Geordie" Shearer. Under Boro Steve, I truly hope the Teesside burn we gave to Burnley will be a sign of things to come.

As for Arsenal, I believe there's very little for me to say. However, let me try helping out in whatever manner possible. Let's see...

L'avant-garde

Arsène "Le Professeur d'Londres" Wenger will have to make a big call here. He has two choices to make. Will he want to go for pace and aggression? (e.g. Alexis "the smokin' gun" Sánchez) Or will he opt for physique and control? (e.g. Olivier "Le Chevalier d'Londres" Giroud)

What manner of L'avant-garde strategy Le Professeur opt to unleash will define his tactics. Period.

If it's the fast and furious, it means Les Gunners will be out to control the match via a four-man midfield. More specifically two holding mids and Mesut "Der Ottoman Turkish Delight" Özil. And then, there's one wide attacker tasked with holding down play and switching on the tempo in an instance. No such player, you say?

Believe it or not, Monsieur has been smiling like this ever since Super Santi signed for Arsenal.

If it's the strong and steady, it means Les Gunners will be out to play it fast and furious down the flanks. If Santi "El Alquimista" Cazorla starts, it means he will have to run more. At the same time, Les Gunners will be out to control the match via the attacking width since we all know their wide attackers are always smart enough to know when to hold the trigger and when to gun forward. This will also allow the holding mids more breathing space in case we break and counter. Question is, are we really good enough to do that on a consistent basis?

Note of self-fallacy: Thankfully, I discovered that Santi "El Alquimista" Cazorla is out injured. Not that I'm gloating. Rather, I'm relieved that I nearly made a fool of myself instead of... well, making a fool out of myself.

Les Cavaliers

The interesting part about Les Gunners' attack lies in an evenly spread out offence. What I mean is very simple: The anchoring point can be anywhere across the attacking trio behind the lone striker or the lone striker himself. In order to make this work, however, Monsieur Londres will have to make full use of his attacking wide players. If Boro Steve can guess correctly how his opposite number will play his centre-forward card, it may easily mean half the battle won. More or less, pace and aggression will be there. Question is, how often will they play it fast and furious instead of control and unleash?

L'Unique

There can only be one Special One. And I'm not talking about O Especial since his 90 mins were already over. I'm talking about a German Turk, I'm talking about the Ottoman Turkish Delight. Also known as Der Königsmacher, Özil is all about making kings out of goal scorers. In football, goals win you games. In football, goal difference means nothing without goals. In football, goals make a king like how a dearth of goals makes a pauper. If Özil is the fulcrum of all things offence and goals, it merely means one thing: Les Gunners will have to create tonnes of space for Der Königsmacher to exercise his authority as the core playmaker. Easy or difficult? It depends on the distance between the lone centre-forward and the two holding mids. It also depends on the distance between one wide attacker and the other. At the same time, there has to be one holding mid tasked with playing the ball forward, be it a 20 yard pass or 10 yard simple pass. We cannot afford to let this guy operate 15 yards behind the lone striker. If we do that, we die. Either we force him back or we force him out. Positionally speaking ofc.

Will this be Mission Impossibru?

I don't want to create any sense of false dawn here. Period. Probability merely means a long shot from what is absolute. What I can do, however, is to give Boro Steve some advice here.

1. Mind the fullbacks, our defensive width is arguably our Achilles heel. Our 16 million GBP man is out due to that loan rule restriction while I'm not sure whether our BFF leftback can be fit enough to match them pace for pace for the full 90 mins (not to mention surviving a few knocks or a Shawcross challenge). Les Gunners will be out to attack us down the flank. Worse come to worse, they will just tell their fullbacks to overlap and bomb us like a pair of B-2 Stealth Bombers.

2. Can we do a Big Uncle Sam? Laugh at him if you like, but there's nothing funny behind Big Uncle Sam dishing out the Fat Sam treatment last time round. Les Gunners were outmuscled, therefore they ended up getting outfought (not mention as well getting outrun like hell as well). Les Gunners were trampled by a 10 tonne XI. Period. More specifically, it's the space between their holding six and attacking four. And it has got nothing to do with that disastrous pass which may have cost Les Gunners a loss worth a whopping 35 million quids (NOT literally speaking ofc).

3. We can do decently well when it comes to holding down the ball. But what about going forward? Technically, we're better than some of the teams above us, believe it or not. Against the masters of cavalier football, we're nothing. If we can't gun forward fast enough, it means we must still try emulating Big Uncle Sam even though chances are that we can't reach that kind of 10 tonne XI level. Big Uncle Sam opted for two supersonic wingers against Les Gunners in the form of Wilfried "fried by his pace" Zaha and Andros "not a Stuart" Townsend. Monsieur Wenger will be telling his lads that we have nothing like that kind of players. And guess what? He's right if truly so.

4. If we can't do a thing on the attacking width, it means our central midfield area will be where the battle shall be won or lost. We cannot afford to let them breach the middle 3rd because they will exploit our defensive width like a pack of wolves chasing after a lagging deer. We must defend our defensive width at all costs (minus unwanted injury to our BFF St George ofc). We must be fast and decisive in playing the ball from the centre. We must be fast and aggressive in breaking up play and running box to box.

And above all, passing accuracy will mean a great deal for us. Make or break for us, to be exact.

The Burnley Burn

Well, there goes the season for us. Burnt by the hell called Hull, chances are that we'll get burnt the second time round today.

Against Hull: What we did right

Plenty will have been said about whether we'd lost the match this badly if Señor had not been sacked. As much as I still have doubts over Boro Steve's ability to lead from the base, I have to say such speculation is anything but fair. The counter-argument can easily go like "would we have scored if Señor is still around?"

To put things into proper perspective, there's no difference between a glass half-empty and a glass half-full. Period.

Ultimately, the only thing we did right was scoring. That's all.

Against Hull: What we did wrong

Thirteen times worse than the movie Jason Goes to Hell: Final Friday. Our defending was really that bad. Or was it? There's nothing wrong with Boro Steve going with 4-4-2, this I agreed with Anthony "not the Vicks VapoRub" Vickers. Things only went pear-shaped for us like the Braxit once we drew first blood (nothing to do with a woman's underwear, it's all about Anguished Angelina and Bereaved Brad).

I once said something about Marco "young like a Rubio, wise like a Polo" Silva's four by two. In that post, I said the only way for us to get something out of the match was to throw a spanner between their 4 men in the middle and 2 blokes up front (well, not entirely true, but you get the drift). I won't be surprised if that's how we get the first goal. The only problem? Solo Para Siempre scored too early. In the 4th minute to be exact if I remember correctly.

Ultimately, Boro Steve's comments may have indicated a middle 4 too gung-ho for the back 4. Not their back 4, but our very own back 4. Boro Steve's deep lying approach is reminiscent of what Señor had done, much to his own detriment (I'll have to admit that his stubborn approach may have done his CV plenty of harm. Which may be why O Especial is trying to do something about it if this report is to be trusted). Boro Steve has to make the greatest decision of his career. Will he want to tank it like Señor or dare it like yours truly?

No one is telling him to play ball like Barcelona, no one is telling him to kill the lads in the most physical manner possible. We need to be tactically daring if we're to draw first blood again in the early stage. We need to be more literally daring when it comes to parking the back 4. So how do we do it?

Answer: We do it against Burnley

I have to give it to Sean "still not a douche" Dyche. Of all the English managers I've seen, he's the most exceptional bloke (together with Eddie "The Once and Future Knight" Howe) when it comes to man-motivation and man-management. Firstly, let me just say that we have sent the wrong message to him and his Claret boys. We have told them that it's okay not to sit back. We have told them it's okay to start a fight anywhere in the middle third. In fact, we have told them it's okay to unleash Joey "I got a Joe, I got a baton" Barton so long he doesn't start fightin' round the world.

Let me be this clear. We need to be more literally daring by playing the back 4 further up. If we want to get goals, we have to start from the back. The key reason behind Señor's failure wasn't due to 4-2-3-1. Technically, 4-2-3-1 is also considered as a 2 striker system (that is so long you have a 2nd striker in the hole 9). Problem with Señor's approach is very simple: He was playing his cards too deep near the goal. As a result, Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo became... well, Solo Para Siempre. At the same time, whoever playing hole 9 has to run more back and forth. This was also the reason why pairing up Stewart "hope he's not down and out" Downing and Cristhian "never an Arnie on the right" Stuani means less assurance of 3 pts in the bag.

At the same time, we need to be tactically daring. I believe the problem with us against Hull was due to not knowing what to do with an early lead. If we sit back, they will boss the game. If we pour forward... well, we all know what happened by the time the final whistle was blown. Silva has really given Boro Steve a harsh lesson in tactics. Yes, there's a need to throw in the spanner between the four men and two. When he played a 4-4-2, did we know what it means? It means shifting the four-man focus to the back while giving the wide players and strikers more off-ball running in the midfield and attacking 3rd! Tactically speaking, it means either Boro Steve would have to fall back or take a risk in order to disrupt Silva's four by two. He chose the latter, we're duly punished for that. And this is what it means to be tactically daring: Better to send the wrong message early than to do so in the later stage.

I'm not saying it's right to send the wrong message. Rather, I'm talking about choosing between the aforementioned two. After all, no one likes to send the wrong message if the right message is available.

As for Dyche and Clarets

I won't be surprised if they're gonna start this deep and trying to end this on a high. Once the kick-off starts, they're more likely to play this deep. Don't let this fool you in the sense that this won't persist for the entire 90 minutes. We're there for the taking. Somewhere in the game, Burnley is gonna push further up. This team can pose plenty of problems down the width and box to box. I still remember George "not a Kris" Boyd trolling us non-stop down the flank like George "Best of the best in Belfast, some say even in the world" Best. If something can happen once, it can happen again. In particular, our 2nd choice fullbacks are anything but assuring. Trust me when I say Boyd will dribble it like Best.

When it comes to the central mid, I'm pretty sure Dyche won't wield the axe. His choice of attacking wide men is where the game will be won or lost (mainly because a draw means a loss for us). When it comes to the fullbacks, be prepared for many an English artillery coming our way.

P.S: I'm recovering from a wee bout of flu right now. Also, I need to sate my gaming/writing fix until 10 pm (Singapore timezone).

Friday the 13th: Boro goes to Hull

Let me be this damn straightforward: Boro Steve's current performance has done nothing to ward off my worst fear. Namely, if Señor would get us relegated by end of season, Boro Steve will most likely get us relegated at the bottom of the table. Okay, I know that's a hyperbole. Then again, our season has been a bloody hyperbole so far.

Against Swansea: My verdict

We're definitely better than Bonny and Clyde. In other words, we got away from the Liberty Stadium with a point where in fact, we should have gotten beat 10-0. True to their home ground's name, those hundred-year-old Welsh Swans were playing with plenty of liberty under Paul "not the walrus" Clement. Amazingly enough, the Swans were unable to do a single thing in the final third. Either it is down to dumb luck or some great genius was helping us in the same way the famed strategist Zhang Liang was able to aid Liu Bang leagues and miles away during the Chu-Han conflict.

Okay, enough about the history of China. Let's talk about Fernando "El Trasero" Llorente. Clement actually stated that without El Trasero, the Swans were playing like a walrus named Paul instead of a genius named... well, Paul. Okay, that was a lie from yours truly. Swansea Paul never mentioned the walrus.

"You do miss him because he's a big focal point, That's not to say Jordan Ayew didn't play well - he gave us another dynamic Fernando doesn't have - but when you're crossing a lot of balls into the box, Llorente is a miss."
-Swansea Paul

Swansea Paul, however, chose to hide his real hand in this case. And it's up to me to expose him like the Kindaichi Hajime of Singapore.

A tall, large, and physically powerful player, Llorente's main traits are his heading ability and strength in the air, which enable him to function effectively as a target-man in the centre of his team's attacking line. He is also known for his offensive movement, positional sense, and goalscoring ability inside the penalty area; additionally, he is also gifted with good technical skills and link-up play, which allows him to play well with his back to goal and hold up the ball for his team mates in order to create space and scoring opportunities.
-Don't quote me on this one, please

Playing with his arse facing the goal, this was exactly the reason why Swansea Paul sorely missed his El Trasero. Don't get me wrong, Jordan "not a Michael" Ayew is a good player. His pace and direct playing style should go well for the team against Spurs. However, I doubt he's able to hold up play with arse facing the goal like El Trasero himself. What this means is very simple.

1. If you're Ben "His Royal Gibbo Highness" Gibson, would you dare to tackle El Trasero from behind? If your answer is yes, you get a red. And I don't mean a free front seat ticket to Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift's concert.

2. If you're Gylfi "name sounds like some epic fantasy novel hero" Sigurðsson, would you be in a hurry to link up play once El Trasero has the ball at his feet? (not to mention as well with his arse facing the goal) If your answer is no, it means you're actually spot on.

3. If you're a pacy winger, would you be so stupid not to cut in from the width?

With that, I rest my case.

Meltdown down the centre

It didn't look good for the last 20 minutes or so. Under Señor, no one would have hit a meltdown. Against Swansea, we experienced a meltdown from the frontline down till the central midfield. While we have to thank someone (or just about anyone else) for the fact that our backline never melted like solid chocolate over a raging fire. We're guilty of sending the wrong message to our next opponent, let alone opponents for the next N matches till the end of the season. This is surely a horror show thirteen times worse than Jason Goes to Hell (notice the pun in the post title?).

Boro Goes to Hull: Our Final Wednesday

By the time we reach our next Wednesday fixture, the writing would have already been on the wall. Will our survival bid end up like the end of Babylon? Or will we emerge victorious like the Persians and Medes?

If there's a silver lining behind our sub-par 180 mins so far, it'd be Boro Steve stumbling on a magic formula during our Man Utd match. Unlike Ronald "not a McDonald" Koeman, I've yet to see enough to call Boro Steve a master tactician. Yet, we must not take credit away when and where it's due. Plenty may have been said about Rudy "GET IN THERE, GESTEDE!!!!" Gestede's costly miss, but I need to point out the fact that two players made a whole world of difference against José "O Especial" Mourinho's not-so-special Utd. The first is Adama "looking far better than Djimi" Traoré, the other is none other than Gestede. We have pace and aggression in the former, physique and athleticism in the latter. It's no coincidence that Boro Steve's first two subs went to the two of them, it's no bloody miracle that we turned the tables ONLY after the black duo came off the bench and onto the pitch.

If Gestede's miss is a sign of things to come, then Boro Steve should just go for broke and play him up front. Alone by himself, I doubt he can do anything more than missing a 3 yard sitter. With Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo, it means a different tactical story. We have nothing to lose. Period. Unlike Blackpool's maiden Premier League voyage under the leadership of Ian "he talks like me in the same way I talk like him" Holloway, we were never guilty of scoring plenty. That was when Señor was still around. With Boro Steve around, I'd rather we take a 4-4-2 risk since I'm not interested in knowing how long our backline will hold firm without the Spanish master of Spanish organisation. Negredo's isolation lies in two factors. Namely, a prolonged spell of being marooned up front and aging legs. The latter factor is more damning since that would have greatly hampered his ability to track back. If only he had signed for Swansea...

Which now comes to this amigo below...

Marco "young like a Rubio, wise like a Polo" Silva, what can I say about him? Young, daring, and a Champions League gaffer. Perhaps much more than Señor, he's looking like the defensive counterpart of Eddie "The Once and Future Knight" Howe. More than us (and Sunderland), Hull deserves the Great Escape (a feat most memorably done by Gus "Me Gusta!" Poyet and Sunderland years ago).

I've seen the Hull team sheet under his stewardship, I knew straightaway the core of his game. Namely, a compact midfield of 4 men across the pitch. However, blood and thunder can only give any team this much. Boro Steve claimed to know plenty about the team, but does he know much about the quicksilver tactician named Silva?

First things first, Hull City seems to have a massive love for a robust midfield game. Under Steve "the boss, not the assistant" Bruce, focus of the midfield went to the width where dynamic wingers were amply supported by a capable central midfield. Under Silva, I have no reason to believe things have changed. That is apart from the focus. As a team out to do a Great Escape, Hull City could ill-afford to do either a Holloway Blackpool or a Me Gusta! Sunderland. The team isn't meant to play surface to surface artillery. More likely a team suited for surface to air. Against West Ham, Hull played a 3-4-1-2 against a more illustrious 4-2-3-1. By pulling back the flat four, Hull would have ample time and space to clamp down possession with that one fellow (more specifically Lazar "the Laser" Marković) playing Wesley "the Pass Sniper" Sneijder behind the attacking two. A direct firing squad is what Hull did right unlike us. A rock solid midfield is what Hull did right, something which we need to match.

Key to win, lose, or draw lies in how high (or low for that matter) quicksilver Silva will play his midfield. At the same time, the space between a flat 4 and the next 2 players further up will be where the battle shall be won (or lost for that matter). The moment we let Hull boss that area, we die and Boro goes to hell by going to Hull. The moment we're able to stamp out mark there... well, to quote someone famous for sending entire countries into retirement 4 teh lolz...

The King of Retirement (or rather the lack thereof) was the reason why we stood a chance against Utd. Period.

Battle of Camlann, anyone?

The inevitable has finally happened. Señor got sacked and Steve "you better not laugh, Steve Ang Eng Hock" Agnew now has to play the Steward of Gondor. While I'm not about to insinuate who is Denethor II and who is Aragorn II Elessar here, I decided to help out in any manner I'm able to.

Before I start... my fellow Boro fans can skip this part

The reason why is very simple. It's just a little rant on my life. You see, I've been used to being talked down. No one gave me a two hoots chance to be a decent human being (read: earning a decent income via a decent job). At this point of time, I'm left with this question: Do my family understand me? The difference between being addicted to PC games and being a freak in concentration lies in whether the other person really understands you. I'm not sure whether my mother understands her son. Period. Therefore, I'm going to tag the usual suspects for this post. Not the least my sister.

Note: Actually come to think of it, I believe my super mignonne legal housebreaker actually understands me. Just that she has yet to enter my life officially.

Add note: I still remember someone during my NSF days in 32 SIB saying this to me.

CPL: You have a Chrisitan name?

Me: No.

CPL: Then you should be called Roger.

Me: Why?

CPL: BECAUSE YOU'RE 弱智!!!!

If you don't understand Chinese, it's okay. Basically, the Chinese characters mean "retarded". Going by the pronunciation, it really sounds like Roger. While we all know who is Roger the Rabbit, I doubt my CPL knew who was Roger the Swiss back then.

Okay, my fellow Boro fans... you all can switch on now

Will our season end up like the Charlton match last season? Back then, we got a rumoured bust-up between boss and subordinate(s). The boss has to sit back at home, Agnew was the man in charge for the 90 minutes. Now let me be this frank: I didn't think Agnew is the one to lead us forward should there be a second Le Révolution Française (for those who need Google translate, it means The French Revolution in... well, French). That was back then, I'll not pull back any punches by saying he's got much more to prove than Señor. Of course, I may be proven wrong. I'm always happy to see people do that when it comes to judgement of character, believe it or not. Last time round when Rafa "if he's the Nadal of football, then who should be that Federer?" Benítez took over Chelsea. My prediction was that he would screw the club. Ultimately, he proved me wrong.

Now the interesting situation Agnew may now be facing is that of a lesser stress. Yes, we all are still sweating over the fears of relegation. Unlike last time round, however, Agnew doesn't have to live in another person's shadow right now. So what should Agnew do to enhance his CV by end of the season?

A/N: To Alan "Captain Britain" Shearer, my message to you is "don't laugh". Period. Remember what happened to Newcastle last time round? Even if we're to get relegated, it won't give you any end-of-season bonus from your boss.

Backroom staff

It's a no-brainer for me to say Boro Steve should just keep everyone else. While this may present a risk in authority being undermined, this can also be seen as a test of character. If anyone wants to leave, let him leave. If anyone wants to stay, let him stay. On the other hand, I doubt Boro Steve would have the time to gather his backroom staff anyway...

One person of note would be  Leo "El León" Percovich. Boro Steve has to keep him. Yes, he's a visible page of the Karanka era. However, this only means said history is full of the good things (Let's admit it, lads and ladies. We wouldn't have gotten promotion without Señor. Period). In fact, there was this one time where he hulked up during a Championship fixture. I forgot which one, but I'm sure my fellow Boro-thers in arms would have remembered such a moment.

It feels so much like the Beatles' "Yesterday"...

A glaring pattern which I've noticed so far on Señor's signings is the fact that 90% of them are Spanish. Even though Adama "will he be the black George Best or the next Djimi?" Traoré isn't one, we all know he can speak Spanish because of Barcelona. Given Percovich's charisma (or at least that what I perceived from him) and the fact that he's an Uruguayan (even though the name Percovich sounds weirdly Serbian), he can play the bridge between Boro Steve and players like Gastón "hopefully still El Bestia Bello" Ramírez and Cristhian "still no Arnie on the right" Stuani.

In the event where Boro Steve got the Boro job from his namesake boss, who should he get as no.2? Or rather, who should be the first pick? Two names come to mind. The first will be Dave "the Mars bars wrapper guy" Parnaby. We need a stabilising factor in the light of whatever going on, both behind the scenes and on the pitch. Our Mars bars wrapper guy is definitely our Stan the Man if you're to ask me. The other person would be Fabrizio "will he be our Caesar Favoloso Aurelius?" Ravanelli. If our Mars bars wrapper guy represents the safe side of my advice, then our Caesar (?) Favoloso (?) Aurelius (?) would be that risk-taking aspect. Why I say that is very simple. Ravanelli got sacked before in the land of Franks. Since he has already stated the desire to be Boro's Next Top Gaffer, why not give him a chance? Like Boro Steve, I doubt he's the right man. Like Boro Steve, I'm looking forward to seeing whether he can prove me wrong.

Note: Because Ravanelli was part of the coaching staff of La Fidanzata d'Italia from 2011 to 2013, I decided to go Google search on who was the head coach back then. After all, the head coach may easily tell us a thing or two. You're not gonna believe my bullshit. If you think I'm really bullshitting, go Google search unless you're in China (then again, I doubt you'll be able to read this if you're really in China).

Add note: There's a good reason why I use La Fidanzata d'Italia instead of the more commonly known Juventus. I just want to impress my super mignonne legal housebreaker.

The players (because no formation can work without them)

The fans want a 4-4-2 asap. The reason why being that this is a 2 striker system. However, it must also be stated that 4-2-3-1 can also be seen as another form of 2 striker system so long the correct guy is playing in the hole. Back when Jürgen "Der Kop" Klopp was bossing both Borussia Dortmund and the Bundesliga, one player was scoring for free and I'm not referring to Robert "the Poles are still waiting for their Lews Therin Telamon" Lewandowski. It's Kagawa "he may have made the Kagawa Prefecture famous" Shinji. Despite not being a striker per se, he's still playing like a second striker. Which means with the right players, you can easily do a two-striker system with a 4-2-3-1. Don't forget, we still have Patrick "he's waiting to go BAM! BAM! BAM!" Bamford.

Because I don't want to give Boro Steve too much stress (after all, I'm gonna post this at the relevant Boro FB page), let me just focus on one aspect of the team and one player.

Aspect of the team: Midfield

You may think I'm barking mad like Ian "he's funny and crazy like me" Holloway. After all, we need goals! However, it must be stated that a great midfield will always contribute to a great attack. If the fans want to see our lads entering attack mode, something needs to be fixed where the midfield is concerned. If I tell you three holding mids are good enough, you'd most likely think I've gone off my rocker. And quite rightfully so. It's not rocket science, I don't have to be a Jewish rocket scientist to tell you THIS BS APPROACH WON'T WORK!!!!!

It's a no-brainer, we need someone to link up play from the midfield to the attack. We need a good midfield to retain possession and play it forward. Sounds like a tall ask? We have Viktor "yet to be crowned King Fischer I" Fischer the right Gastón, players who can play anywhere across the midfield. We have Adam "not Charles, but Stephen" Clayton who can win the ball and add some steel in the middle 3rd. As for Marten "he fights like a marten, he runs like the Roon" de Roon, I'd hate to see him go. Period.

Of course, there are also some notable names which I chose not to... well, name. After all, there's no point for me to do that. It's like telling me what do we need to do about our defence. My answer to this question?

Above statement means Señor was never guilty of messing things up when it comes to the defence. Just only the defence.

Aspect of the player: Stewart "will he keep us from going down?" Downing

A lot has been said about Downing's possible role last time around. This time round, the bust-up looks far more real than whatever bs journalism coming from the Sun concerning the Hillsborough tragedy last time round.

If Boro Steve wants to rally the troops ahead of time, perhaps Downing is the key. As a local Boro lad, he can earn himself the hero status by being the standard bearer. In war, you don't let your standard bearer go down. Likewise, it's high time for Downing to prove his worth. Under Big Uncle Sam at West Ham, he reinvented himself as a deep-lying midfielder passing the ball from the left side of a three-man midfield. If there's a weakness in him, it would be asking him to play further up (in other words, he would just go down faster than a bird shot dead in mid-flight).

The only role I can foresee him playing is the same role Big Uncle Sam gave him last time round. We can laugh at the Fat Sam football logic, but there's no denying that West Ham was never guilty of play the Fat Sam football under Big Uncle Sam last time round.

However, this approach will only work if we have two wide players eager to run back and forth like two Anglo-Saxons frothing in the mouth. Either that or we may need to play the real Fischer and the right Gastón at the flanks.

P.S: Please note that 4-3-3 and 4-2-3-1 may present a great deal of difference to each other if Downing is to play that midfield fulcrum.

Will we make that Potter look stupid?

Well, guess what? Alan "Captain Britain" Shearer must be laughing like a looney waiting to be sent to the asylum. Prior to this season, he predicted we'll get relegated. Fast forward to 2017 and we're really guilty of making him look like a prophet. Never mind the fact that Gareth "Gawain or Beaumains?" Southgate got the England job ahead of him (let alone the chances of him actually being smarter than his more illustrious compatriot). The fact is, we will need someone smarter than Harry Potter to save us from the drop. Last time round, we got Terry "E.T" Venables bailing out Bryan "was Captain Britain before Shearer" Robson. This time round... well, I guess Señor will be better off relying on Harry Potter.

Of course, we all know Harry Potter is fictional. But what if crazy things are capable of happening in the world of football? If Emma "not a Stone, but still a talented Emma" Watson was guilty of shocking feminists all over the world by giving men an additional excuse to indulge in sexual fantasies, what makes us think we can't pull off a Bonny and Clyde against a team synonymous with Harry Potter?

Note: Because I'm may be planning to up my Boro-related posts on the Middlesbrough F.C Till We Die Facebook page where I'm the only Asian alive there, it means I'll have to put all things Boro on top of the list first.

Add note: To those in that Facebook page, you only need to read the first part unless you got nothing better to do.

More add note: Gonna tag my cousin Mark. Blame Hughes, don't blame me.

Boro, Potters, and the wish to gte our very own Harry

We are in trouble. The goals are not coming and we're losing the plot 1-0 at a time. Only a fool will expect a Harry to bail us out. Yet, the romantic in us will always play the rebel. Doesn't matter if it's Harry Houdini, Harry Potter, or the real life Harry Lee Kuan Yew who have sadly passed away years ago.

Against the Potters, what must we do to ensure a win? As improbable and crazy this may sound, it's still possible. After all, no one expected Hermione Granger to pose topless last time round.

If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VIP, what will be your answer? If it's Joe "not his fault to be called a Xavi Joe" Allen, you're right. If I am to ask you who is Stoke's VVIP, what will be your answer?

If you don't know the answer to my second question, it's fine. I don't expect people to think like me since we're all born to be unique as human beings.

Firstly, let's assume the people at Sky are not misleading me with the formation. The reason why being that during match days, the formation sheet they put is no different from a magic trick done by David "not the son of Jesse" Blaine. To make things even more insane, it's always about Boro's matches.

The first list was Stoke versus Watford. Why I chose Watford is because we're quite similar to the Hornets when it comes ball retention (read: minus the passing). As for Crystal Palace, it is because our defensive organisation reads quite a bit like parking Fat Sam in front of the goal (okay, I know that's very evil of me to use the Fat Sam derby logic as an inspiration).

Two players stood out for me. Apart from Xavi Joe ofc.

The first one is Charlie "not a Chaplin" Adam. The other one? The guy who got to know Xavi Joe's fellow Welsh in the most ironic fashion.

Whether the Gooners like it or not, Shawcross has matured as a player since that horror tackle. In order to make Mark "not my cousin Mark" Hughes' formation work, Shawcross' industry and organisation is integral. In fact, his presence in the heart of all things defending is the reason why Hughes' midfield is purring like happy cat right now.

As for Adam, his presence means one thing. The ability to pass the ball forward. It may sound banal, but trust me when I say it gives Allen the license to roam forward. This approach would ensure Stoke maintaining its defensive shape after the ball has been played into the opponent's half. At the same time, this tandem of 2A (wait, why am I making it sound as if they're some K-pop idol boy band?) will ensure Stoke being able to stretch the play from their own defensive 3rd to our defensive 3rd.

In other words, playing it deep like what we always do is never an option against Stoke. Especially given that we'll be playing at their home ground. We won't have enough firepower to bother Shawcross and we may not even last 45 mins without conceding. The quality of Xavi Joe and Marko "the real Arnie on the right" Arnautović means we can't camp inside our 20 yard greenhouse hoping for a set piece smash and grab. They'll just make us pay for our cowardice. And that's not considering Saido "last name sounds Brazilian" Berahino as part of Hughes' plans as well.

Things we must do:
Firstly, we need to come out fighting. If we can't do a thing about their attacking four, we take the fight to them via the space between their backline and firing squad. We have to first assume Hughes will be stretching play from one end of the pitch to the other. We can't assume other possibilities because... well, there's no point thinking so much.

Assuming we're able to do that, it means Hughes will be forced to make a decision. Will he play the backline higher in order to close us down or will he want the firing squad to fall back?

The first option will ensure Stoke being able to maintain the pressure. However, it will also give our backline some much-needed breathing space since we're now so well-known for doing siege tactics right from the whistle (that is so long our midfield don't mess this up). The second option is all about a counter-offensive approach where Hughes will have to make every foray count. Which will basically give Señor more reasons to do a Fat Sam in front of goal.

On the first glance, we're in trouble. However, I don't see a reason why we can't win this one even though it's their own turf. If there should be a lesson learnt from the Palace defeat, it'd be the midfield. Big Uncle Sam played a 4-1-4-1. This should have been a warning sign that he's out to seize the initiative instead of sitting back like always. In the first half, we're totally gimped in the middle 3rd. If we do this again this weekend, we deserved to be killed 3-0 or even 4-0.

Key to our survival would be the midfield. Not just the middle 3, mind you. But the five amigos, whoever they will be. We need the holding mids, the wide attacking mids, and central attacking mid. We can't have a weak link anywhere in the middle more than anywhere else. Unlike Palace, Stoke is not a guaranteed prawn sandwich (read: if compacting the defence, midfield, and attack doesn't sound like making a sandwich, I don't know what else is).

Okay, time to wind down and cool down...

Let's talk about the greatest shock happening so far in the past few weeks. Even more than a topless shot featuring Hermione Granger, Luis "he actually did a Figo like Figo himself" Enrique announced "I quit" by end of this season. The Los Che faithful could be forgiven for having that déjà vu feeling if I say so myself. After all, Unai "not some Spanish unagi" Emery did pretty much the same thing in his final season at the Mestalla (unfortunately for Peter "from El Santo to El Diablo" Lim, I think Monsieur Emery is currently enjoying his life of dual-citizenship atm).

Let's cut short the chase. So who are the forerunners and who is my ideal pick if I can have a say myself?

If there's any amigo whom Señor would love to have as his BFF on Facebook, it'd be Ernesto "El Zeus" Valverde. Both have deep ties with Athletic Bilbao, both are quite obviously Spanish, and... well, I guess Señor must have been a great admirer of his fellow Los Leones in a tactical sense. A great man of defensive organisation, a great organiser of fantastic football as well. Like Enrique, he made his name by starting from the bottom of the food chain (well, not literally, but you get me). Like Enrique, he has a positive history with Barca unlike Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

As someone who started off as a talented small fry like Enrique, I won't be surprised if part of Valverde's mentality does mirror that of Enrique. However, I'm not sure if he can fix Barca's defensive woes. Remember, folks. Before Enrique became famous at Barca, he had to prove himself via a lowly team named Celta Vigo. No offence intended to Los Célticos, but they don't have La Masia and dinero aplenty.

I'm a very terrible person, yes I know that. If the above 3 panel strip looks like someone praying for money, only to strike lottery, that's because I've got a warped sense of humour no thanks to the system of idiocracy that goes something like this. Outspoken and outright charismatic, it's no surprise that Jorge "pretty sure his agent isn't Jorge Mendes" Sampaoli managed to vanquish whatever possible trauma resulting from Emery's departure where Sevilla is concerned. Whether he gets the nod depends on how well the people upstairs are willing to deal with a maverick in every sense of the word. Remember, folks. This Jorge is no Valdano or Mendes. He's Sampaoli and he does things his way. Either that or his highway. When we look at individuals like Sir A.Fergie, Sir Bobby Robson's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the late Steve Jobs, they proved one thing to every keen-eyed observer. And that is charisma is always divisive, that charisma has the potential to polarise views and divide opinions. Sampaoli's charisma can go a long way in galvanising the dressing room due to the absurdly high expectations piled upon a team like Barcelona. But the risk of this very same charisma sparking the ire of the boardroom is also very real. After all, having charisma means you have a strong character in real life.

Because I need to get to the most important part of my post asap, I have to cut this short. The last man on the list is a Johnny Foreigner from France. When we talk about Le Président, two things come to mind: François "he's being filled like a stuffed turkey atm" Fillon and white rights hysteria sparked by Marine "my pen is mightier than your sword!" Le Pen. And that's not to mention the third thing, namely François "why always François?!?" Hollande stepping down with nary a bite.

Then we have the third Le Président. Namely Laurent "hope Le Pen won't politicise his last name" Blanc. Currently living off his savings and searching for a job good enough for him, I find Le Président to be an interesting outsider here. His footballing philosophy won't fit Barca's aggressive tiki-taka. Yet, his style does mirror tiki-taka in the ball retention sense. Which means you won't see any team under Monsieur Blanc passing the ball sideways and backwards like what we're now doing in the northeast of England (interestingly enough, I actually made a joke tweet about this Monsieur taking over from Señor if things really go terribly wrong for us). If Monsieur Blanc is to be the next El Jefe, it means his immediate task is to ease the older players into retirement by finding a way to let them go out with all guns blazing. While at the same time blooding youngsters (and hopefully the next Xavi and Messi).

My verdict:

Most of the time, I enjoy going against the popular vote. I enjoy adopting the counter-intuitive approach just to make myself feel better. However, I have to say Valverde gets my nod. Firstly, Barca has a tradition of playing it safe when it comes to choosing the next top chief commander. They will never opt for any Tom, Dick, or Harry for the post. Even if it's Harry Potter, they won't consider him unless someone can prove to them Godric Gryffindor was related to the club.

Sampaoli is a good pick when it comes to philosophy and charisma, but what he also represents is unfamiliar territory due to what I said above. I doubt the boardroom will be so daring to throw the die so as to speak. And this is not considering whether his charisma will create problems for the boardroom even if every member of the dressing room votes for him.

As for Blanc, his philosophy won't sit well with the boardroom. However, his man-management skill is something which Barca needs urgently if what Guillem "not #GB11" Balague implied is really true.

["...There is a lack of synergy with all the players. The message is not getting through to them and Enrique has decided to depart before having to recycle the side or making some big decisions, which he doesn't want to do."]

After all, he did fix the national mess left behind by Raymond "it's written in the stars!" Domenech. Alas for the fact that football is still results-oriented.