Mad genius (?) at work

Well, it's been a very bad Good Friday for us. We couldn't do a single quid against El Spirito and the fans got way less than value for their quids. To rub some salt and vinegar into our wounds, El Spirito got criticised over his stunts. Of course, it could have been worse. Much worse.

Because I'm no Mick "the biggest Mick" McCarthy, I'd rather not speculate whether he's doing it because I said something insane. And speaking of insane, it's a good thing that he didn't go one step too far. Last time I checked, you deserved to be slapped if you're insane enough to ask a señorita what is the meaning of the word "pito". Doesn't matter whether she's Spanish, Catalan, Portuguese, or Singaporean.

Seriously, if you think El Spirito is bad enough, try dealing with Diego "El Lobo" Simeone. Although to be fair, something like this video would have got El Spirito a three-match ban at the very least.

Spoiler: Wolves, Los Che, and Los Rojiblancos all have some sort of Chinese connection in the boardroom.

Before I start the ball rolling, Boro fans please skip this part...

It's official. I'm going to do a Total Recall for my blogs. After I finish this post, I'll be starting a new blog. Doing three blogs has to be the dumbest idea I've ever tried. To be a normal Singaporean, you need to learn how to multitask. The problem is, I'm not normal. Perhaps I was born to be abnormal, but the fact remains that I can't multitask. Comparing my fellow Singaporeans to yours truly is like comparing Tohsaka Tokiomi to Emiya Kiritsugu. Apart from a common identity, there's nothing in common between us. Like how Kiritsugu was a specialist, I'm a single focus guy. Just don't ask me whether such a guy is considered boyfriend material compared to his fellow S'poreans. And no, I'm not gonna entertain questions on who my future Irisviel will be.

At this point in time, it should be clear that whatever insanity I've pulled off was nothing more than an online persona. I don't mind people calling me fake over what I said here. At least I'm honest enough to tell people the truth. Which now comes to this meme below.

This is John L'Otter. John L'Otter is clearly a Deadpool in the making. As a southern otter cursed/blessed with inner Frenchness, John holds a dim view of his fellow otters from the south. This is due to matters ranging from female otters being otter-shamed to the dark-furred otters. Therefore, John L'Otter considers himself an outsider in the same way Jon Snow's dad wasn't a Stark. Just don't ask John whether his future girlfriend will come from Punggol West.

Note: In case you've yet to realise it, John L'Otter is merely the online persona of Kuok Minghui. It's like me saying Emilia "404 Jon and Daario not found" Clarke is not a Targaryen in real life.

Add note: The title of my new blog is tentatively named L'République Otters.

Tactical nudity and a strategic crisis?

It's official. Boro may well be in a strategic crisis amounting to tactical nudity. This has got nothing to do with the third page of a British Sun. For some weird reason, the return of Señor AK-47 doesn't seem that nice. I'll go straight to the point. My creativity is currently sapped and I don't want to waste too much time trying to come up with some pompously French opening statement.

This is what you came for, so get off my plane

This is Jack "will he fire first like Han Solo?" Harrison. Not to be confused with a Swansea Jack or the President of the United States fyi.

Against Burton Albion, we put up a horror show. This was worse than marrying a corpse bride. While Nigel "call my dad Brian" Clough is no Tim Burton, his direct approach rattled us to no end. Let's start with the defensive first.

Against Burton's direct approach, our defensive width was thrown into panic. It's ridiculously criminal. If the #Pulisman was the monarch instead of Queen Elizabeth II, he'd have sentenced half the squad to death. Hanged, drawn, and quartered, no less. He's not going to care about whether the next princess consort is related to the Teesside via Clan Bruce. I saw the starting lineup. 4-3-3 with three holding mids. There's no excuse for this. Having three holding mids could only mean one thing: They should be good enough to snuff out the threat, but each of them ended up marrying a corpse bride instead.

Ultimately, our abysmal showing resulted in the attack being compromised. #Pulisman is all about fortifying the back like a Scottish Bruce. If things go wrong at the back, nothing will go right for Adama "definitely not a Djimi" Traoré. Our lads won't have the composure to play direct balls to him. Why? Because we're constantly disrupted by the opposition. #Pulisman is all about discipline and composure at the back because this is his only way to set Traoré speeding along the highway. We're effectively screwed! We're effectively shafted! Why? Because of the back. Sorry, but I don't see any tactical nudity behind the fact that our defence wasn't good enough to justify a goal. Poor Nigel was wrongfully damned United right at the very death.

Yet, it must be stated that the introduction of Britt "will he rediscover his big bad streak?" Assombalonga and Swansea City Jack changed the game. Not so much as to whether our performance warranted a win since we're definitely luckier than some Toto Tan winning the next Toto lottery (note: Apologies to any fellow S'porean surnamed Tan who enjoys that occasional lottery punt). Rather, it started with a potential what-if.

By the time #Pulisman threw in the last sub, the formation should look like the classic 4-4-2. And guess what? There's nothing sinful about playing 4-4-2 in the same way it's not a sin for Lady Amelia Windsor to enjoy some fish and chips plus a dash of salt and a splash of vinegar. In fact, 4-4-2 may well be the reason why Birmingham is now enjoying some decent semblance of a resurgence under the Welsh Monk himself. Ironically, he (i.e. the Welsh Monk) could have tried doing 4-4-2 before getting sacked by Gibbo.

So how should a 4-4-2 fish and chips work for us?

Harrison's presence would/should have given #Pulisman something to think about. In his current 4-3-3 system, having Patrick "BAM! BAM! BAM!" Bamford as the lone forward is like asking Ryan "not Shawcross" Tunnicliffe to take that poor lad out with a single tackle. #Pulisman should be no stranger to this scenario ever since another Ryan quite literally took out an opposition player. It's not cool getting floored by a tackle. I know because Ryan actually took me down once with a rugby tackle. Although it must be stated that adrenaline was to be blamed for that 2012 moment.

What I'm trying to say is this: 4-3-3 only works if we have a centre-forward with the physique of a green Bruce Banner. Do we have such a player? The answer is yes. Where is he right now? In the FICU (i.e. Footballers' Intensive Care Unit).

Say what you like about Rudy "not Khairon from Singapore" Gestede. His face may look like a donkey, but he's nothing short of a draft horse. I'll be this brutally honest here: #Pulisman doesn't need a stubborn donkey to lead the line. In this sense, Gestede is no donkey. By losing Gestede to injury, we have effectively lost half the battle even before the first whistle from that man in black. No physical presence to hold up the ball, no giant of a man to resist whatever intimidation coming from the opposition backline. The likes of El Spirito and Brain Clough Jr knew it. And they exploited it. Football is a game where the only way to show gratitude to your former club is not to celebrate after scoring. Nothing less because of loyalty. Nothing more because, in Bill Shankly's own words, football is much more serious than a matter of life and death. I don't have to tell anyone whether Señor AK-47 will approach tomorrow's match like a hardened soldier armed with an actual AK-47.

However, all is not lost. While I'll never know whether Lady Amelia Windsor enjoys having the occasional commoner's fare, I'm very sure an effective 4-4-2 can throw in a vital tactical surprise or two.

Let's start off with the bad and ugly: #Pulisman needs to drop one holding mid out of his current 3. Why I'm stating the obvious is very simple: Whether a 4-4-2 parmo football (because we're Middlesbrough after all) works will hinge heavily on what kind of holding mids #Pulisman will deploy. We have two holding mids more comfortable in running around and winning the ball. Namely, Adam "pretty sure Bono ain't his BFF" Clayton and Muhamed "back to the basics" Bešić. Then we have two holding mids capable of playing simple long passes. Namely, Grant "He-Who-Bites-The-Lead" Leadbitter and Jonny "son of a howitzer" Howson. How #Pulisman plays his middle two will impact how the width will operate. Needless to say, the offensive width will, in turn, impact the two strikers up front.

Overloading the back

The reason why opponents know how to deal with the guy arguably faster than Usain "he runs like a lightning" Bolt is down to what the Vickerman wrote below:

[They not only double marked Traore and were quickly in the instant he had the ball - one tackling and one standing off to move for the second ball when he wriggled past - but they also were quick to close Boro midfielders down and cut out possible angles to pick him out. They 'stopped him at source' as Nigel Clough said.]

https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/big-point-no-cause-middlesbrough-14484668

To stop the man at the source, that very same man must first be effectively marked. Only when he's effectively shackled by two men can the other lads nearby be quick enough to close down the rest of the opponent mids. In order to turn the tables effectively, #Pulisman needs to apply pressure on the opposition from one width to the central region. We have Bamford, we have Britt. Together, they can form B2. This is not some cheeky stab at Simon "he cows contestants for a living" Cowell or U2. I'm referring to my confidence in Bamford and Assombalonga when it comes to supporting Traoré. One man may not be enough to pull the opposition backline apart, so how about three instead? Without Gestede, #Pulisman can instead opt for a faster offensive. It's doable, I'm pretty confident in this.

Which now comes to the most important question. I won't call it the million GBP question because the Championship playoff final is so historically lucrative, the only reason why it never got more global airtime is due to its second flight status. Read this carefully and let it sink in: Should it be Downing, the Knight of Pallister Park on the other width or Harrison, the Squire from Manchester?

Spoiler: Downing is effectively another James "VI" Morrison minus the violence and Ronaldo.

P.S: Speaking of Vickerman, I need to mention the source of inspiration.

Final P.S: Dog comment+Irish festival=Is Cú Chulainn secretly a S'porean?

Running man and #Pulisman (plus why 3-5-2 may possibly be the revelation of the season)

Before that, please give me my First Amendment rights to rant+rave

Today, I decided to troll Hong Kong and my fellow Singaporeans. Recently, a lady by the name of Vera Lui exposed her former coach. It's not my position to judge, but I have to point out that one does not simply mistake Vera Lui for Vonnie Lui even though the two goes by the initials VL. To be honest, I don't know what Vera's former coach was watching if he really... well, did it.

Then there's my Singapore. As a Singaporean, it can be very tiring dealing with a pretentious society. If you don't believe a moralistic Singaporean society can be pretentious, let me quote somebody below.
[Anisha believes this culture of silence stems mainly from society’s reluctance to have open and honest conversations about the issue of sexual assault.]

Hopefully, my country and fellow Singaporeans will wake up. After all, I never believe the grass is greener on either side.

I don't profess to be a victim of sexual assault, but I can profess to be a victim of a pretentious society. I don't profess to be a knight for the likes of Lady Vera Lui and the unnamed dame, but still... well, I'm not gonna fake myself.

This is BoJo, not Don T. Any case of a mistaken identity is understandable, though.

It's very gutting if you're to ask me. I don't know how Loh Siang Piow/Loh Chan Pew got his job, but there's nothing wrong with having the right connections so that you can get your dream job. After all, a recommendation or two doesn't mean your boss must hire you, right? But yeah, it helps. And I won't be surprised if Loh Siang Piow got his job via legal recommendations and people speaking up for a... well, good coach.

[郭嘉字奉孝，颍川阳翟人也。嘉少有远量。汉末天下将乱。自弱冠匿名迹，密交结英隽，不与俗接，故时人多莫知，惟识达者奇之。]

[Guo Jia, style-named Feng Xiao, a native of Yangzhai county in Yingchuan. Jia had the gift of foresight since young. Since his coming of age, he lived a life of anonymity while making friends with capable people. Never one to interact with the outside world, this was why very few did not know about him. Only those with wisdom were amazed by him.]

Above historical text was taken from Chen Shou's Record of the Three Kingdoms. Out of Cao Cao's numerous advisors, Guo Jia was the special one. Unlike a certain LCP, Guo Jia never groomed anyone. While he did spend some time in ancient Han dynasty's equivalent of the MND, I believe his post was never something like deputy superintendent of the MND. As for fame, he's definitely no Eden Ang since his fame was effectively non-existent. No fame, no grand job, only sheer talent. That's until someone named Xi Zhicai died in Cao Cao's camp and Guo Jia's future boss needed a replacement. Needless to say, Xi Zhicai was most likely a hundred times more famous than Guo Jia.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether you're Vera Lui, the unnamed athlete, or just a normal girl out to get a legal job. When it comes to the need to get a trustworthy somebody, you're no different from the greatest strategist serving Cao Cao. And when I say somebody, I mean words like coach and employer, not words associated with 14th Feb. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.

Note: I may be crazy, but I'm not crazy enough to decide who is guilty and who should go to jail. But crazy enough to make fun of circumstances and a pretentious society? You bet. It's like saying Guo Jia was a disruptive element despite being a military genius.
[初，陈群非嘉不治行检，数廷诉嘉，嘉意自若。]

Add note: To prove that I'm not just about making fun of individuals and the classic Asian society, I decided to make fun of Patrick "Professeur Xavier or Capitaine Picard?" Stewart as well. Play the song below and appreciate the dance.

#Runningman and #Pulisman

Let's be frank here. Who'd have imagined Adama "definitely NOT Djimi" Traoré playing more like himself and much less like another Traoré? Under Señor, his final ball and tactical awareness suck. Under the Welsh Monk, hopes of la grande renaissance were dashed despite a difference in footballing philosophy. When the #Pulisman came along with his gun and baton, all feared the worst. If a Spanish-made AK-47 was unable to cow him, why should even the dumbest muppet alive expect the #Pulisman not to fire his trusty (albeit outdated) Smith & Wesson? Well, here's what every athletic coach's greatest dream has to say about his dream coach:

["#Pulisman’s been a big influence on me since #ThePulisman came in and I want to keep working hard for #Pulisman, not just in an attacking sense but defensively as well. I went to celebrate with #Pulisman to say 'thank you' and that’s what it’s all about.

...Every couple of days #Pulisman’s working with me, telling me how I need to move, with the ball or without the ball, where to be on the pitch. Because I’m listening it’s helping me to get more goals and assists."]

The fish and chips fare coming from us was anything but pretty. It's like what Ian "famous in London" Holloway said:

["To put it in gentleman’s terms if you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they’re good looking and some weeks they’re not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren’t the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let’s have a coffee"]*

*If you think that's offensive, wait till you see what he said about his hamster Ronaldo.

Long balls from the width? Check. Long balls from the centre? Well, we all know 'tis easier to fire the artillery with plenty of space left and right. At least I'm sure Prince Harry Potter knows what I'm talking about since he's got quite a number of mates in the British military.

When it comes to mentality, Traoré is a boy trapped in a man's body. I remember Lionel "still capable of messing up the opposition" Messi stating his approach to football. This was something echoed by Adam "no Jimmy Savile jokes allowed here despite what's 100% factual" Johnson. Then the next thing we realised, below incident happened.

Señor's problem turned out to be the Welsh Monk's problem. We're talking about how to manage a boy. If you can't force puberty out of him, it means you can't force puberty out of him. If you can't rush him into adulthood, don't rush him into adulthood. Perhaps this is the correct way to deal with a man trapped in a boy's body. We all have done stupid things before, that includes Traoré. So long he doesn't end up becoming the next Brock Turner, it means there's a chance for him to learn and improve. After all, it's not as if he did something so terribly dumb, #Pulisman had to do a Brock Lesnar on him.

Let's see things from a tactical perspective. When the long balls come, who benefits the most? When the Hooters waitress serves up the fish and chips, who gets the food? Not the cat, but Traoré. The application is very easy, the equation is no different from 2+2=5. Yet, it must be stated that an effective man-management was the reason why.

It's very easy to say #Pulisman did something to galvanise a player whose future should be dodgier than that of Adam "not Johnson" Forshaw. Forshaw went to Leeds, Traoré ended up shocking us like a human lightning bolt as fast as Usain "the Black Bolt" Bolt. But what went on behind the scenes? How did Traoré become so smart out of the sudden?

Firstly and foremost, the lad is not stupid. You can say a boy is immature, but you cannot say the same boy is stupid. I've seen men behaving like boys, but that doesn't mean they're stupid. Infantile, yes. Outright muppets? Well, it depends on whether you want to talk about their actual IQ or using their conduct to insult their real-life intelligence. I have to give it to Traoré here. He's much more teachable than the average Singaporean racist brat.

Secondly, this was most likely a case of boarding the bus first and pay the fare later. Let's imagine such a scene below.

#Pulisman: Adama, I need you to do something for me.

Traoré: What if I say no?

#Pulisman: What if you end up listening to me?

Traoré: Yeah right. Before you came, I had to listen to two other white guys like you. Chris Hughton should have come here instead of Brighton and Hove.

#Pulisman: I just want to say you're allowed to do what you want on the pitch.

Traoré: Like Messi?

#Pulisman: More like George Best.

Traoré: Cool. Thanks, boss.

#Pulisman: Don't thank me first. I allow you to do what you want, but it means you'll need to write an IOU.

Traoré: No prob! So what does your IOU say?

#Pulisman: Attack first, learn to fall back later.

Traoré: Sounds reasonable to me.

#Pulisman: Good. At least I never sound like a racist to you.

Crisis 3-4-3

Has Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte officially lost it? The footballing equivalent of Tony Stark is hitting a rough patch atm. With no guarantee of Champions League football till the fat lady of Turin sings, surely there are whispers of him going to Cornwall instead of Lyme Regis. If there's anyone who can stem the tide, it'd be this guy below.

Le Chevalier de Londres and El Bestia. Same position, different style. One is the typical Arsenal centre-forward given he's consistent enough, the other the typical Roman centre-forward in the image of his current boss below.

The Álvaro "貰った!!!" Morata backfired horribly. Currently struggling with injury, a lack of cover in the lone striker role means there's no choice but to play through the pain barrier. When Il Bestia signed Le Chevalier, he's effectively signing another 貰った. Not in terms of durability, but rather playing style. It's 100% evident that the focal point for Il Bestia's Roman XI is currently somewhere up there up front. Let's be fair here. Watford was a debacle due to a sudden meltdown. And this was like more than just 30 mins after someone got himself sent off. Against West Brom, Pedro started instead of Willian (note: Willian wasn't that someone who got himself sent off). Then the next thing we realised, 3-0. Yet, the backline looked shaky going by the report. Stopping short of recalling John "I lost my BFF last time around" Terry, what can Il Bestia do? The clue lies in what he did during Euro 2016 where he defied both critics and the odds.

There's nothing much Il Bestia can do right now. His current predicament is reminiscent of Hannibal (not the one made famous by Anthony "I don't always leave people alive. But when I do, it's a pedo" Hopkins). Last season, Hannibal was Rome's worst nightmare. This season, Scipio Africanus does him in. Okay, that's a hyperbole. But still, Il Bestia's current situation seems to mirror that of his fellow Roman from Carthage.

Yet, 3-5-2 may well be the one thing to save himself from ignominy. Two years ago, he did a 3-5-2. At the capital city of a nation which used to be under the Roman rule, his 3-4-3 was effectively an offensive variation of 3-5-2. This season, 3-4-2-1 is to be even more attacking minded. The problem is this: Such a formation would have left plenty of space for the opposition midfield to exploit. Without El Bestia, Il Bestia has effectively lost a defensive plug meant to reinforce the midfield. The loss of Nemanja "not Vidić" Matić to J-Mou only made things worse. One can say Il Bestia has to deal with two defensive gaps. One the size of a Spanish giant with the other the size of a Serbian titan. The former was the first line of defence, the other the main line of defence. Tiémoué "not a 馬鹿" Bakayoko was signed for a reason. To compensate for El Bestia's return back to Spain as El Lobo's prodigal son, what needs to be done?

The reason why 3-5-2 may be the solution lies in the fact that no defensive cover was sought in the forward area. As a result, there's a need to play a 3-4-2-1 in order to pin back the opponent. The weakness behind this approach lies in a break-and-counter approach where the occasional probe can easily expose the heel of Achilles. The moment the 3-5-2 becomes a 3-1-4-2, however, that's where the fun starts. So long the ball can be played from the back 3 plus 1, Il Besta can afford to erect a physical wall to support the attacking 2. It's not exactly the best idea, but Il Bestia will have to make do. At the same time, having strikers like Le Chevalier and 貰った means a certain Eden will be able to run riot with impunity due to a more assist-oriented style of play up front.

Bencic, Der Gegenpress, and the reason behind this odd couple

Last Saturday was frustrating. Rudy "not Khairon of Singapore" Gestede missed like... I don't know how many sitters, to be honest. Then we have two dodgy decisions coming from a rumoured (?) Mackem ref. While I never saw the vid replay of Tomáš "not a Rosický" Kalas upending Martin "the great black Dane" Braithwaite, Fulham's penalty decision was... well, suffice to say, dodgy. If you think I'm being a jerk, be thankful that I don't breath fire like a Scottish dragon. A little wonder why there's a saying "Like father, like sons". Or in MGS speak, "Like Big Boss, like Solid Snake".

From derby match to north vs south. Not to mention me embarrassing the U.K parliament shortly after Fulham entered the back door. Seriously, I really did share the Ctrl+Fail on FB with the intention to educate and embarrass people at the same time.

At this point in time, I no longer want to pursue the issue. Just like how it's ridiculous to use the ref to ignore Gestede missing a sitter or more, it's absolutely absurd to blame Gestede for the ref getting it wrong once or twice. Oh wait, the order should be the other way around. Sorry.

Bencic vs Williams=Liverpool vs Manchester City (Srsly... WTH?)

Yesterday is a song sung by the Beatles. At the same time, yesterday was famous for two reasons. The first would be Belinda "will she be the next Swiss Miss or just another Swiss cheese?" Bencic defeating Venus "she's definitely not from Mars" Williams 6-3 and 7-5. Apart from giving the lads (and ladies) a visual feast of technique versus power, I'm afraid Bencic might have made more than just a few lads gone broke. Not broken-hearted (for whatever crazy reason), but rather truly broke since I'm sure the lads at Ladbrokes would have offered a tasty odd or two.

Like how Bencic did a lads gone broke yesterday, Liverpool did the same #IMPOSSIBRU by edging Manchester City 4-3. But not before going 4-1 up first. So what was the relevance when it comes to two entirely different sports going by two entirely different set of rules? What was the common ground between Bencic's #IMPOSSIBRU and Liverpool's #IMPOSSIBRU since I've hinted this much?

She said, "I played it offensive..."

Well, not word for word, but I guess that's what she means in a tactical sense. In other words, it's a case of "go hard or go home". Not to be confused by the fact that Lady Amelia "not to be confused with Windsor Castle" Windsor is considered a royal party lady, it means you either go hard on the opponent or you can go home. I won't be surprised if a Slavic Bencic actually inspired a German Klopp to victory against whatever odds fixed by the likes of Ladbrokes and William Hill. Or maybe it's actually the other way around. Either way, let us take a look at the team sheet.

Pilfered and pasted from Sky Sports, the most interesting part (apart from the absence of Simon "are we still talking abt mignonne fingers?" Mignolet and Alberto "no more leftback role for him pls" Moreno) lies in the midfield. Yes, I know #TeamRoboKop went 4-1 up before suffering an almighty scare. It's not like winning the second set 7-5 after cruising to a 6-3 first set win, right?

The absence of Jordan "pretty sure my primary school wasn't named after his family" Henderson means #RoboKlopp favouring a more physical middle 3rd. Anglo-Saxon guts-and-glory fare, pure heroism per expected from any Saxon across the sea. Never mind the fact that they're black. They're still heroes. You have Georginio "name sounds like a Brazilian, plays more like Nigel de Jong" Wijnaldum, Emre "YES, HE CAN!!!!" Can, and Alex "Pyongyang got #RocketMan but they have #RocketOx fyi" Oxlade-Chamberlain.

The plan was very simple. It's back to the basics and four by two. Take a look at the team sheet below.

Kevin "Der Bruys" De Bruyne, Fernandinho, and İlkay "Der Gün" Gündoğan... well, not exactly the kind of midfield that would inspire fear from #TeamRoboKop under the stewardship of #RoboKlopp himself. It's like a Catalan duelist going one-on-one against an Anglo-Saxon knight complete with confined space. 'Tis a recipe for disaster where Pep "will he remain bald after this defeat?" Guardiola is concerned. The starting lineup where the middle 3 was an indication that Pep would be forced to look like Clotet instead of Guardiola (no offence intended to the Welsh Monk's BFF considering which division the football team made famous[?] by Aung San Suu Kyi is currently at). Let's connect the dots like a tactician, shall we?

Pep's middle 3 was about playing the ball forward from the back with plenty of space in front. It's never a case of four by two, but rather four by one. This tactic works, but provided space is aplenty between the back 4 and middle 2. The reason why I say middle 2 instead middle 3 lies in Fernandinho most likely playing deeper in order to allow De Bruyne and Gündoğan to roam forward. The former plays like Ryan "not a Shawcross" Giggs while the latter is the flair version of Steven "Stevie Great" Gerrard. Pep's problem?

Purchase a cow and it may only cost you 40 GBP (after converting the price from INR). Sign an Ox and the deal cost Liverpool 40 million GBP instead. So now comes the most damning question: Did Arsène "Le Professeur X" Wenger sell #RoboKlopp an Ox or just a cow worth a measly 40 quids?

If there's anything to go by from Manchester City getting demolished four goals to one before pulling two back, scenes like this below may well be consigned to the annals of history very soon.

Liverpool shocked Manchester City in the only way tactically possible. Either you go hard or you go home, that's most likely #RoboKlopp giving his Saxon ultimatum to an Anglo-Saxon Ox. And went hard #RocketOx did. Much to the dismay of those who should be dismayed. Arsenal is dismayed at eating a humble pie filled with roasted crows. The same goes for critics like the two Jamies from Anfield. Needless to say, Pep was forced to feel like Clotet for all the wrong reasons (or correct reasons if you want to see it tactically).

If Philippe "it may rain in Catalonia, but it truly pours in England" Coutinho is all about footwork and movement, then #RocketOx is all about raw pace and brute force. Perhaps there is indeed potential in the lad. Sadly, the northern end of London is never a fan of bruisers. Just ask the Spurs and Gunners, I dare you. In Liverpool, however, that's where the rules of engagement change. #RoboKlopp is never a sucker for pure flair and 100% guile. While he was Der Klopp overseeing the army of Die Schwarzgelben, the combination of a swashbuckler's flair and a Viking's brutality was for all to see. In fact, J.Mou never had an answer to the Saxon onslaught when Estadio Santiago Bernabéu had to overcome a 4-1 deficit. The game ended 2-0 to Los Vikingos, but the real Vikings still won it 4-3.

Therefore, should it be any wonder that #RocketOx is more comfortable with today playing in Anfield instead of yesterday at the Emirates? I wouldn't be surprised if he indeed made his Anglo-Saxon presence felt in front of City's four by one. And for that, he got a Lee to thank.

Sorry, it's neither Lee Hsien Loong nor Lee Hsien Yang.

It's actually Lee Johnson.

Lesson learnt: Not from either side, but from the other side

If Bencic was truly inspired by Liverpool, then credit must surely go to Bristol City. If Pep is a symbol of the foreign talent scheme, then Johnson is living proof of local talents refusing to go... well, there's a British slang for belly up and I don't want to offend the non-British who enjoy using British language. Foreign talent? So what? Pep? Who cares which Pep? Such was the temerity displayed by a motley XI attempting to outrun, outpass, and outsmart an illustrious XI. Yes, the domestic cup is always the Mickey Mouse deal for teams in the top flight capable of entering Europe nine times out of ten. Does that make Johnson a local muppet? Surely not!

Outran!

Outpassed! Okay, maybe not.

Outsmarted!

The only problem with Bristol City's guts? They still lost the match. But make no mistakes about it. The local Lee made the foreign Pep sweat for his keep. Seeing him reminds me of another local talent. Namely, this bloke.

If England can produce more Johnsons and Howes, the future will look bright. Very bright. And I'm talking about the standards of local football from the Under-16 to the senior team on an international basis.

The key to taking the fight to Manchester City lies in getting the mentality right. There is more than one way to display fighting spirit, but only one way to show cowardice before a giant like Pep. You play it deep like an Irish, you're showing cowardice. Once you display cowardice, that's it. You're dead. The opposition needs to understand the need to be flexible when it comes to understanding psychological warfare. What works for your team may well become a legit case of fatality before the opponent. That's how Manchester City nearly did a Les Invincibles. Cynics and romantics have the local Lee to thank, this I can assure that worthy rival to my beloved Boro.

Go forward, go hard. Otherwise, just go home. Sounds like what Lady Amelia believes in? In reality, this logic is more akin to how the famed strategist Sima Yi managed to quash the Xincheng Rebellion initiated by Meng Da. And that he did by seizing the initiative without seeking prior approval from the emperor (i.e. his boss).

Set up the army in the middle 3rd, pin them back once we got the ball. This was most likely Johnson's instruction to his charges. And charging like a disciplined army under the command of Prince Edward during the Hundred Years' War they did. Like Meng Da who was convinced Sima Yi would seek prior approval due to the protocol enforced, Pep was convinced Bristol City wouldn't have the impudence to play it tough and forward across the middle 3rd. Well, they actually did so. And with impunity, no less.

In a very weird way, the battle was won by Bristol City despite Liverpool dealing the coup de grâce. Johnson did lose the skirmish, but he won the battle in a way beyond his wildest expectations. Take the credit and a bow, local talent. You deserve it.

Monk owes you all a big favour

Finally, I'm back. Not like the Terminator, quite obviously. A few days ago, I read an article on how rival team are exposing us (i.e. the Boro) like Harvey Weinstein. It's not a pretty sight (and I don't mean any Willy's willy). I don't know what else I should write beyond the remedy... ah, well, let's take one step at a time. Or rather, one word at a moment.

Okay, skip this part if you're a Boro fan...

Using Harvey Weinstein and Willy's willy may not be the best idea after all. I still remember Park Ju-won and all the feminists in Rice Media.

For the lack of a better to put it, every guy always got that 50 Shades of Gray Fullbuster inside.

Monk owes you all a big favour (and the whole of Teesside as well if all things go well)

It's official. Or is it? Either way, the nice blokes in the Gazette might have given me something to work with. For every remedy, there must be a diagnosis. Otherwise, either nothing will be done or someone is going to die as a result. I'm going straight for the kill here.

The Rudy awakening?

I never watched the match, neither did I track the game via live feed. However, it seemed that Rudy "GET IN THERE RUDY!!!!!" Gestede has given me a glimpse of what our Welsh Monk needs to do asap. If it's truly Monk's Plan B, then he needs to make it his Plan A asap.

Right now, the current 4-2-3-1 is giving us a massive risk of being exposed. The problem isn't down to the 4-2-3-1. While people are now calling for a 4-4-2, sticking to 4-2-3-1 can easily turn the tide. All that is needed is doing something about the lone ranger up front.

As it turned out, the current lone bloke is Britt "Hollywood got big Brad Pitt, but we got big bad Britt" Assombalonga. Don't get me wrong, I've got no issues with him. Yes, I did initially question the sanity behind the decision to sign him. After all, Patrick "BAM BAM BAM" Bamford was still there. And he still is despite going MIA like a leprechaun (or at least I hope so). Fast forward to now and he's proving to us what made him a force of nature at Nottingham Forest in the first place. With Gestede presenting a case of unintended consequences, Monk needs to make some changes.

Again, let us recap what the Gazette blokes said

Leaking goals is a concern. To blame the back 4 is like blaming the fall guy. We all know what the fall guy is there for. To take the fall for the rest and be crucified in the most undignified manner. In other words, it's no different from victim blaming and calling for a witch hunt. In the same way Mayim "hope she doesn't balik kampung over Steinergate" Bialik got burnt at the stake for what she said, it seems that the back 4 got crucified on the spot. Like how one needs to think about the culture Ms Bialik had pointed out, we need to take a cold hard look at the starting XI.

I've always had reservations about the hole 9 area ever since things went terribly wrong. Yes, Martin "the great black Dane" Braithwaite can be a black class act more oft than not in that position. The only problem? He's a striker like Zlatan "I send entire nations into retirement 4 teh lolz" Ibrahimović, not a midfielder like Lewis "not Hamilton" Baker. While I'm not going to argue with our Welsh Monk over why Baker wasn't allowed the role of baking bread for the strikers  (i.e. creating goals), it must be stated that a striker in hole 9 is never the best solution to create a midfield lock. The best lock is one which is nigh impossible to pick (yes, I know I'm using a politically incorrect statement. Grow up, will ya?). Sadly, we do not have such a lock. Yet, it's tactically possible to introduce such a lock. I'm not telling our Welsh Monk to pick a Lewis Hamilton despite possible reactions from the fans via such a report. Yes, I do favour him playing in hole 9 instead of Braithwaite in the name of stopping the haemorrhage (more on that later on). But still, it's Monk's call, not mine.

Yet, it must be stated that as a striker in hole 9, it's Braithwaite's job to get himself forward, link up play, and do a decent pass. Something which, for whatever reason, Adama "hope Karanka didn't sign a Djimi" Traoré failed to do on a dependable basis (and no, I'm sure race is not an issue because both players are equally black). Once he gets himself forward, the team would have a hole the size of... well, Braithwaite himself. It's dangerous. What if rival teams decide to break and counter? They don't have to try having a go at the backline. All they need is to boss the middle 3rd from one end of the width to the other. Then that's it. Game over. Football is like fighting a battle with the entire season regarded as the war. You don't win the war by winning a battle, for it's possible to win the battle but not the war. Bill Shankly was right in this sense when he famously said, "Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that". If it's tactically game over for you, it's effectively game over for you. That's what the blokes at the Gazette are saying right now. Yes, even now.

Gestede's introduction turned out to be the kind tactical magic formula Monk desperately needs right now. It's not just his physical presence alone which cowed the city of Bristol. Unlike big bad Britt, Gestede is all about holding up play. This effectively created an offensive lynchpin, something which our Welsh Monk needs.

So should Braithwaite be dropped?

Let me get this clear: Gestede's injury was a bummer for us and a tactical bummer for Monk. While I can't be sure who gets the nod, it must be cautioned that Monk will most likely refuse to risk another injury. If a freak injury is possible, then any kind of injury is possible. Monk's greatest headache right now is whether to shift Braithwaite to the lone man up front. Because if his answer is yes, then there's a light at the end of the tunnel (and I don't mean the headlights). This is assuming he chooses not to start Gestede and Braithwaite. I have to say, though, that Gestede up front and Braithwaite in the hole 9 makes for a real horror show. Not for us, but for them.

At the same time, he needs to think about whether to persist with big bad Britt. If the answer is yes, then he needs to ask another question: Should I shift him to the attacking width? It's not every day that a striker can do an Arjen "Der Räuber" Robben. By that, I mean being a striker who can also play out wide. We have Bamford who, at times, might have been kidnapped by attractive Irish elven girls (I'm sure he knows what I'm talking about since he's Irish and I happen to know a bit of Irish mythology). Then we have big bad Britt. Don't laugh. I've seen Monk pulled off the unthinkable before. It's doable for big bad Britt because the proof of the pudding lies in eating it. And big naughty Britt was truly having a Christmas pudding feast out wide before he got recalled to the lone man up front.

Either way, we need to set a lock in the hole 9 position albeit how such a decision will pan out depends on who plays as the lone striker.

And now for the greatest remedy of the season...

If this remedy is to be that counter-measure of the season, please don't thank me. Firstly, I know our Welsh Monk's job is not to be a Welsh muppet. Monk from Wales, yes. Muppet from Wales, no (although I'm pretty sure every Leeder is now calling him Garry Muppet instead of Garry de Snake). Secondly, I'd rather you all thank the Gazette blokes. No, I'm not joking here.

Ipswich may well be our make-or-break moment. If what the Gazette blokes said is true, then we'll be facing the maestro of such tactics. Namely, Mick "Great Mick" McCarthy. If Monk will be out to play the ball from the deep, even better. Not for us, but for them. The art of parking the bus lies in letting the opposition have the ball. If we play the ball from the back, we die because they would have time to brace themselves for the imminent onslaught. If we play the ball from the midfield... okay, it's not that bad. But still, they would still prepare a bus for us. So no, that's not optimal.

To counter their counter-attack (not just Ipswich, mind you), we must make sure the hole 9 area is safe. We must not allow them to boss the middle 3rd via a break and counter. If they must go forth and boss the middle 3rd, our holding mids and three attacking mids must play it compact. If we can't prevent them from countering from the deep, we have to make sure a Gandalf must be done on them. Don't know what I'm talking about? Okay, nvr mind.

It depends on Monk on how he's going to organise the midfield triangle. The moment he does it right, I can guarantee him that it can last him for the rest of the season.

Now let me start talking about the opposition. Not Ipswich, but the opposition in general. The opponent's team sheet has never been more important for Monk. The reason why is very simple: Formations don't win you games, players do.

So what this means is very simple: Once Monk knows the formation, he should have a good idea on how high is the counter-offensive platform. For example, a 4-2-3-1 may indicate the counter-offensive fulcrum being placed at the hole 9 position. Of course, I'm merely giving a simple example. As I've said (and everybody knows), formations don't win you games, players do. However, the formation can give us a decent idea about the approach.

You got the formation, you need to know the players. Remember, formations don't win you games, players do. I can't stress this enough times here. Take a look at their wide players. Whether they're deploying orthodox wide men or wide forwards will decide how they will approach the counter-offensive. More specifically, a decent idea on how often the attacking wide player will cut in and from where. This will give the backline at least some semblance of preparation. It's that simple.

Traditionally, wingers have a lesser chance of cutting inside. This is mainly due to the presence of a wide forward, an approach now widely used even in English football. With a two winger approach, however, one player will be forced to play the cutter while the other playing the crosser. The name of the game is goals, hence the need to deploy a wide forward. Depending which side the wide forward is deployed, we should have a decent idea on which flank is the so-called danger flank. At the same time, the danger flank may also indicate the frequency of the fullback bombing forward. With an orthodox winger, the need for any fullback to overlap isn't that high. But with a wide forward, it's quite likely that the fullback on the same flank will overlap. This is to create space for the forward to cut in. At the same time, a fullback who can't cross the ball is definitely a worse fullback than Alberto "so will we see more of him in the future?" Moreno.

Either way, it's carrot soup for us this Saturday or getting thrown under the tractor fleet.

P.S: I need to end this post now. My brain just underwent a bout of noise therapy. While only a rich, beautiful, and intelligent radiographer can solve my woes, I'm not idiotic enough to push myself unless I'm decently sure my brain can still come up with something.

Why always Cyrus?

Why always Cyrus? I'm not referring to Miley "not a citrus" Cyrus Christie (apparently, she's been staying it low key apart from whatever news she made with Thor's younger bro Loki). Rather, I'm referring to Miley Cyrus "neither a Persian nor Malcolm" Christie. We all know the deal about racism. It's always the Black Panther versus the White Gorilla.

Don't bother wondering where is the White Gorilla. Apparently, race is still a sensitive topic in the western half of the hemisphere despite democracy. Also, it seems Shuri is that black girl wearing white.

This time around, it seems that the Trumps have made the headlines for all the wrong reason. For some funny reason, this was reminiscent of Ryan "not Shotton the Shotgun" Tunnicliffe's answer to Ireland legalising same-sex marriage.

And now the good news...

He's back. Miley Cyrus "neither a Persian nor Malcolm" Christie is back. Or at least I hope so for tonight/today's match against Birmingham. This is a match we can't lose. Not after the latest fixture results turned against our favour. In a funny twist of fate, Birmingham is currently owned by Chinese people in the same way I'm also Chinese. Let's cut short the chase, let's start talking about Steve "Brum or bust?" Cotterill and his Brum.

Parking the Brum bus?

We're at home, they're at away. We play 4-2-3-1, they'll most likely play 4-3-3. I've seen Brum defeated by Barnsley. More specifically the team sheet. I've seen Brum defeated Nottingham Forest. More specifically the team sheet. In the former case, it's 4-2-3-1. For the latter, it's 4-3-3. For now, I'm prepared to assume that Steve Brum has stumbled upon a tactical magic formula.

I tried finding a common ground between Steve Brum's 4-2-3-1 and 4-3-3. You have someone named Jota (not to be confused with Diogo "not Diego?" Jota or the Korean Jota). Against Barnsley, he played in hole 9. Against Forest, he played out wide. Trying to make sense of his impact on the team sheet was quite challenging. Thankfully, there's a Gallagher. Not a Liam or Noel. Rather, it's a Sam.

Secondly, I needed to find where Steve Brum would deploy the ball anchor. Interestingly, the victory over Forest revealed the fast and nippy centre-forward while the defeat at the hands of Barnsley betrayed the typical 6 footer. I still remember Lukas "the Jutower" Jutkiewicz, Mogga signed him first before Birmingham did so. Against Forest, Steve Brum deployed a Che. Not Los Che or a Che Guevara, but rather Che "will he become Brum's Che?" Adam. Steve Brum is no moron. He should have seen Thomas "the great Dane of the Mediterranean" Christiansen dismantling us last weekend. If our Welsh Monk decides to stick with Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer, it means chances are that we'll see Steve Brum's Che as the centre-forward again. There has to be a reason why the Leeders ended up having Kemar "I don't hoof the ball up the roof" Roofe as the vanguard despite him being the fast and nippy type. Simply put, if it worked for the Leeders, surely it will work for the Brummers.

Ofc it doesn't mean Steve Brum won't need a ball anchor. He still needs it. My best bet would be a 3-man fort. Against Barnsley, the Brummers were bummed by one bloke less in front of the back 4 instead of one bloke more. Against Forest, it seems that having 3 blokes instead of 2 actually gave the firing squad more confidence in attacking the final third. The lack of a 6 foot Pole won't mean a thing so long the ball anchor is being fixed at the back. And by that, I mean four by three, not the four by two made famous by the Germans since Joachim "Der Löwe" Löw took over.

Interestingly, both 4-2-3-1 and 4-3-3 are capable of falling back into a defensive 4-4-2. At least I won't put it past Steve Brum doing that. All that is needed is for Jota to drop back deep. Against Barnsley, it's most likely him and David "so is his dad called Steve?" Cotterill falling back to form a 4-4-2. Against Forest, it's only Jota since we're talking about 3 blokes holding the fort in the middle 3rd.

So how do I see Steve Brum's... well, Brum? No matter which formation we'll see on the screen, chances are that a defensive 4-4-2 will be on the cards. Our Welsh Monk needs to take a good hard look at Steve Brum's starting firing squad. That should give him a decent idea of how the defensive 4-4-2 will do a break-and-counter. Or just about any kind of counter.

More blame on Moreno?

3 goals leaked, blame Alberto "how many more?" Moreno? I still remember his debut against Southampton. That was years ago, we're not even promoted yet. Brendan "not Fraser" Rodgers may have redeemed himself in a nation not exactly known for football, but Moreno's nightmare might well be one of the worst moments in Liverpool's proud footballing history. Back then, Mauricio "poached by Jewtown" Pochettino had just chosen the cappuccino at North London over the south coast's Earl Grey. In stepped Ronald "will he remain a McDonald or become a Reagan?" Koeman. Nathaniel "not Chalobah" Clyne was the saint wielding the pitchfork, I don't have to tell you the horror show Moreno was forced to star in. It's like Jason Voorhees chasing a bunch of screaming NUS frats after they had enjoyed a fruitful afternoon. While it's hard to sympathise with those Robert Frattinsons if they really got chased around and brutally murdered by Jason, I was like "whoa, I really feel sorry for that guy (i.e. Moreno, not those Robert Frattinsons)". Ironically, St Clyne is now RoboKop Clyne.

Only upped this vid 4 teh lolz. Not every S'porean gentleman is deemed horny. Whimsical bastards do exist. Like me, for example.

If Moreno can't do a clearance to save his life, then why is he still playing as a fullback? Two things need to be done, none of them involving Moreno. At least not for now so as to speak.

1. Buy a new leftback.

2. Redeploy Moreno as a left winger.

If I want to save this amigo's career, reinventing a leaky leftback into an orthodox winger is the only way out. Coupled with the fact that he's still playing as a fullback, it means there's actually a decent chance of him being a counter-offensive style winger more comfortable with pushing up the offensive line (although whether this will automatically translate into wingback for him is open to debate). Ultimately, no one would like to see RoboKlopp whipping out his German gun.

Yes, this is what I mean by "whipping out his German gun". What do you expect otherwise? This?

Barcelona and Valencia: A Tale of Two Che

Not so long ago, talks of a revolution were rife. They said Peter "there's more than one of him" Lim must go lim his kopi. Not with the cops, but in the comfort of his own home AFTER he gave up ownership to a worthier man (or woman for that matter since we're now talking about 2017, not the 17th century). How times have changed, fortune and ill luck alike. His beloved daughter got married and gave him a grandchild. As if that's not enough, he actually got the right guy for the Valencia job. Surprise! While it's still early to see whether Marcelino the Amigo can replicate the class of Unai "so do they serve unagi kabayaki over there in Paris?" Emery (yes, he did manage Los Che before), any local can't help but feel that picking a fight with the Singaporean Kim Kardashian is sooooo... well, yesterday. Marcelino didn't have exactly the best headstart career-wise. I think he got sacked left, right, and centre before Villareal decided to risk sinking its submarino amarillo. As it turned out, the submarino never ate a torpedo. Hence, was it any wonder that Mr Lim has to "beg" Marcelino to be his... well, new Che? Right now, the Los Che faithful have to be careful. On one hand, it feels good to see a change in fortune. Just ask any Boro faithful on how they felt when they went up. On the other hand, however, Valencia is no Middlesbrough. There will always be some manner of expectation, one way or another. If this goes wrong again, I don't want to imagine whether Singaporeans will be strongly discouraged from touring Valencia due to tempers flaring and riots happening. The greatest challenge Marcelino has to face as Peter's new amigo is this: How is he going to navigate the so-called first season syndrome? Lest we forget, Valencia was hitting the hot streak. Yet, after the first season had given so many faithful the courage to believe again, their beloved team began to look more like a puta than a dignified Señorita.

As for Barcelona, Ivan "the Great" Rakitić currently has some... well, reservations about his amigo. Now let me just conclude this post with my analysis on whether Lionel"El Pequeño Leon" Messi should leave. After all, I'm not in the holy business of predicting things.

Let me just get this clear, once and for all:

Messi, you better not leave the team which has become your second family. Think about what you can do as a player. Others may think you can make it big in other teams. Big teams. Teams equally big. While I'm sure no one will slaughter a pig in your honour (or at least I hope not), I know what kind of player you are. I'm not going to judge you for dodging taxes and things like that. I'm only a half-baked ITE graduate who refuses to bend the knee before the Singaporean brand of intellectual success.

Seeing you reminds me a bit of myself. Before Barcelona took you in, you're a reject. I know how it feels. I was rejected by my own country's educational system in the same way you were waiting for a chance to shine despite the odds. I know there is a reason why your country places so much hope on you. I know that such expectations are absurd in every sense of the word. Because of this, many a coach has suffered undue pressure. Because of this, I know Jorge Sampaoli is now undergoing massive stress.

You are a player who thrives in a system you're familiar with. This is the reason why you can mesmerise so many fans all over the world. This is the reason why you're compared with Diego Maradona (minus the Falklands War and the Hand of Man). Yet, this is also the reason that your own people turn on you. It is totally unfair to you, for you are a genius. And since you are a genius, people will elevate you to the position of God. Utterly unreasonable and totally laughable, I say! Sir Isaac Newton was a genius, but he was never God Himself.

I know your weakness and your strength. They are both the same: Your ability to thrive and flourish in a system where you would always be at the centre stage. Pep was the one making it possible, you have never looked back since. Your weakness is your strength and vice versa, 'tis the reason why you're indeed a genius. Therefore, please don't forsake the team which has become your second family. You will live to regret it if you make the wrong call. Your legacy will be tainted in a manner worse than that of Luís Figo. See out your career at where you first started off and have continued doing so till now.

Best wishes from El Bastardo de Singapur here.

Follow the Leeder (i.e. My take on the nearest thing to a derby)

Okay, I know this post title is really provocative. It's like how Newcastle see Boro. Location wise, derby. Real derby wise, never ever will be good enough. Let me just get the good, bad and ugly out of the way first: If you think we the Boro can nick this one-nil or three, you're a moron. Period.

Derby matches (with or without Derby County) can be chaotic at times. Most of the time, in fact. The form book will be thrown out of the window and you can be very sure Glenn "the Karma" Hoddle would always wonder why karma enjoys cursing his beloved Spurs regardless of form, quality, and Arsène "Le Professeur X" Wenger. Therefore, I wasn't surprised that a dull grey Sunderland bereft of Simon "his football may be dull grey, but it sure is effective" Grayson got a one-nil defeat from us instead of getting stuffed 3-0 like a Thanksgiving turkey. If even the likes of a rudderless Sunderland could put up a fight worth every derby penny, imagine what Leeds can do. I'm not about to predict things. I suck at this kind of thing, to be honest. And besides, I'm sure Thomas "the great Dane of the Mediterranean" Christiansen knows more about my beloved Boro than what I (professed to) know about his Leeds.

Before I start talking about the Leeder...
(Skip this b/c I'm gonna talk some crap about Karanka of Basque)

Let's talk about something weird. Just yesterday, I got a shock from Japan. I suspect it might be my friend Randy and/or his wife Lydia since the source read like "from your FB profile". The problem is, I don't remember either or both being football fans.

Hopefully, no one will tell me it's actually Aragaki "unrelated to Gaki no Tsukai" Yui.
I will kill whoever the 野郎 telling me that unless undeniable evidence is given.

However, this part is never about Japan, Randy/Lydia, or Yui. Rather, it's about Aitor "El AK-47" Karanka.

On a major hindsight, there's no way Karanka would say "yes" to Ellis "not Tall" Short. In fact, it seems that Chris "not Martin" Coleman has agreed to take the job. On one hand, there's this obvious fact that Señor AK-47 is never one about money. I know this sounds snobbish, but he did snub the material comfort offered by London (and Steve "not to be confused with other Steves" Parish). Then the next thing we knew, he's at the northeast where the steel is as cold as winter while passion is as hot as summer. Simply put, there's no difference between snubbing the Mackems and the Crystals. So no, any move to the opposite end of the northeast won't make any sense from Karanka's lofty standard.

At the same time, there's a reason why I gave him the AK-47 nickname here. Like someone armed with an actual AK-47 rifle, Señor Karanka is never one to crack a joke in public. He's basically Sir A. Fergie minus the cynical wit and Scottish blood. Definitely, he's no J-Mou because... well, I'm sure he never called Catalonia a pito nation hell-bent on independence.

The tweet is... for the lack of a better way to put it, anti-Karanka. It's like expecting Diego "El Lobo" Simeone to behave like a gentleman. It's not gonna happen. Period. Ultimately, the greater question is a big fat WHY. Karanka isn't someone born to troll. Yes, he can be more than a wee bit abrasive as a disciplinarian (something which was a gorilla on his back until the day he got the sack). But still, being a hardcore disciplinarian means there's no reason for him to pull off what I'd call an attempt at humour (whether Bob "not the Hydra Bob" Mortimer would approve of it is another question altogether). I'm very very VERY SURE that he's like Cable, not Deadpool.

So where will he go from King's Cross Station? Will he take a trip to Hogwarts? Will he take a trip to Heathrow Airport? If so, will he try hunting me down at the SGH? Nah, doubt so. In case the #IMPOSSIBRU happens, someone please tell him to refer to Mr and Mrs Sim of the DDR. After all, I doubt the CT-MRI folks would notice this lobo here walking past the glass door more oft than not. The safest way, however, is going straight to Blk 8 and look for my boss Kingpin Wilson Fisk.

And now, it's back to the Leeder

Unless I have more space to write more crap, this post will be all about the Yorkshire derby. I still remember walking along a pavement at Jalan Membina years ago. That area is where I live btw. There's this bloke, I assumed he's English. Why I assumed he's English is very simple: He was wearing a Leeds jersey in an era where George "the black St George of York" Weah was already part of history together with David "not O'Hara" O'Leary and Peter "so did he get rid of the taxman?" Ridsdale. I think that was 2-3 years ago.

How times have changed. Fast forward to now and we're gonna have a Leeds-Boro Yorkshire fight! While I won't call this the closest thing to an Old Firm brawl (I do think Singaporean football is now like Scottish football, though), I won't be surprised if the atmosphere will be outright electric. The Leeds faithful have never forgiven our Welsh Monk since he decided not to continue as their beloved Leeder. The wrath was evident, the anger has never abated even once.

This is how the Welsh Monk is currently perceived at Elland Rd in a nutshell.

Quite obviously, the players have a thing or two to prove. The Boro lads will have a thing or two to prove to their Welsh Monk, the same goes for the Leeds lads as well. In fact, I won't be surprised if BFF Pep will be switching on his TV just for this particular 90 mins (note that BFF Pep refers to Clotet, not Guardiola).

Strategy, tactics, and dissecting it like a boss

To understand how the great Dane of the Mediterranean will (possibly) play his cards, one needs to know our Welsh Monk's current weakness. Assuming we'll be seeing a 4-2-3-1 (for some funny reason, the English are now hooked on something made famous by the Germans and I don't mean the Oktoberfest girls), the chink in our armour lies in the two holding mids. While I'm still waiting to see any semblance of stability in that position, let's assume the starting two will be Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer. One is a Mackem, the other an ex-Leeder. One is a combative son of a gun, the other is more of a hold-and-pass. In any given 4-2-3-1, the second number is the most important part of the formation. Without a stable partnership in the holding mid area, the back 4 would be brutally exposed. Mark my words, the great Dane of the Mediterranean will be aiming at Grant and Jonny. Like a sniper, he will tell his lads to press us down the centre. The moment they score on this front, we're in trouble. They don't have to draw first blood on an asap basis. In fact, I won't be surprised if an early goal won't pop up. All the grand Leeder needs to do is to make sure nothing will come out from the turrets apart from fouls and more fouls.

So how can this be done, you might ask. The verdict on our current 4-2-3-1 is still open to the judge and jury. Just because it's fairly effective against a rudderless Sunderland doesn't mean it will be effective against a Leeds team with its rudder still intact. At the same time, only 3 pts separate us from the Leeders. What it means is this: A goal difference of -2 coming from them won't matter much if they managed to pull a derby win over us. Championship football is not for the faint-hearted. If the Premier League has the glitz of Hollywood (minus Steingate and other related scandals in the business ofc), then the Championship has the cutthroat nature of Korean showbiz. One slip-up for us can easily mean the start of a momentum for them. Given the acrimonious manner of the Welsh Monk's departure (apparently, different stories are being told from different perspectives), slipping up means gifting the chasing pack the license to rev up and go. It won't just be Leeds alone, trust me. If we win, however, it means we can secure 5th spot. At least temporarily. Throw in the fact that we have to face Derby (not to be confused with derby matches) and Birmingham before that, we're actually under more pressure than the opposition. The great Dane of the Mediterranean knows it. And he will exploit it. He's no idiot, he knows where our jugular is. If I can see this coming, it means the same for him. They will want to start a fight in the middle third minus the red. They will want to disrupt the middle triangle of our 4-2-3-1. And trust me, it's very easy for them.

Why it's so easy for them and not for us?

Yes, yes, I know who we have up front. We have Martin "the great black Dane" Braithwaite currently on fire. Who would have imagined him playing a wee bit like that guy who famously sent the whole nation of Denmark into retirement? While he has yet to play on the right, he's starting to prove himself as a creative centre-forward in the hole 9. In front of him is Britt "Hollywood got a big Brad Pitt and we got a big bad Britt" Assombalonga. Right now, I won't be surprised if the dressing room is full of Michael Jackson's You Know I'm Bad being played at half time and full time. The problem is this: It's all useless if they manage to cut in from the width while bossing play at the other end of the width. Something they will definitely do.

I've seen their starting lineup against Derby (again, not to be confused with derby matches). The reason why I didn't choose to refer to their last game is very simple: It's an away game. It doesn't matter whether it's Brentford or Bradford. The difference between away games and home games tend to be the strategic approach. While it's not a hard-and-fast logic, I find using Derby as a reference to be a better gauge. Home game? Check. A potential rival for promotion? You got it right.

Two players stand out for me. Samuel "not to be confused with Samus Aran" Sáiz Alonso and Kemar "he will never hoof it to the roof" Roofe. Two players, one similar mould. I'm talking about the fact that they can play anywhere in the firing line. Winger? Yep. Forward? You got it. Attacking mid? Double confirm plus triple affirm. To me, they are the ones holding the key to whether their boss will be Hrothgar or Beowulf (ofc it goes without saying that the Welsh Monk will be welcomed like Unferth instead of Beowulf). One in hole 9, the other out wide. So long there's a way for them to hold down the ball, it's three men against two. Let's do the maths here (based on the Derby match).

Us: Grant the Leadbiter and Jonny the Howitzer

Them: The male Samus Aran, the badass from Kedar, and a 6 ft+ Hamburglar.

In the game of football where 90 mins of action (minus the whistle and stoppage time) is also known as the Ninety Minutes War (not to be confused with the Hundred Years War where Edward of Woodstock made his name as a military legend). Simply put, the players are the soldiers. Three versus two on a flat terrain, we will be brutally murdered. No questions asked, only hanged, drawn, and quartered. If we cannot establish a stranglehold via a central triangle, we're... well, hanged, drawn, and quartered. Our man in the hole 9 needs to up his game. Those playing in the holding mid must up their game.

Special spotlight: Getting it right at the back via the rightback

Miley Cyrus "neither Malcolm nor a Persian" Christie is officially banned from this match. It's like imagine Miley "not a citrus" Cyrus Christie getting a MTV Awards ban over whatever WTH moment she pulled off. I'm not sure if the latter case did happen (or even whether Adam "not a Christopher" Lambert got banned over... well, I'm not gonna say it), our Christie did get the ban. The equation is very simple: It doesn't matter which Cyrus you are. 5 WTH moments and the banhammer comes (1-2 such moments if you're actually crazy enough).

Therefore, it's going to be a toss-up between Fábio and the Shotgun. The former has undergone quite a few criticism over his inconsistency. While it'd be unfair to call him the defensive version of Adama "hopefully not a Djimi" Traoré, getting exposed like Harvey Weinstein is not a joke. In this sense, he's lucky the boss is now a Welsh (Monk) instead of the previous one from Basque. Otherwise, Karanka would have him busking in the streets of Basque. Against Leeds, the Welsh Monk is in for a fix. Should it be a Brazillian gunning forward or a Shotgun holding down the ammo? This is not just a decision to decide who gets to start. More importantly, this is a strategic decision where the Welsh Monk may live or die as a result.

Tbh, I tried flipping the tactical board around. Not physically, but in my head. It's not good news. I'm referring to the fact that Roofe will be having a go at bringing the roof down on us.

P.S: Before I end this post, I need to inform our Welsh Monk on two things: Their four by two and the likelihood that the great Dane of the Mediterranean will employ a ball anchor out wide. By my own guess, that's where Leeds will try to hold it down and play it forward.