Causeway challenge anyone?

It's been quite a frustrating evening so far. Sometimes, I have this urge to say "no one understands me." for a good reason. For the last four years, I just felt that those around me have started understanding me better. After which their impassive reactions ended up asking damning questions. Emotionally, I'm prone to think no one understands me. Thankfully, the rationale side assured me that they actually understand me. That there's a reason why they choose to act dumb. Funnily enough, I can easily guess the reason why everyone from my churchmates to family members chooses to act stupid. In fact, my churchmates have been throwing me hints that... yeah, they actually know what's going on. And that includes the matter of my super mignone legal housebreaker.

Curently trying to focus 100% despite current frustrations...

All our ancestors come from Teesside and all their ancestors come from Hull

The reason why I used the Causeway derby as the post title is very simple. As a team in red, my beloved Boro's mascot beast is a lion. Just like my national team sans the quality. On the away end, Hull City's mascot beast is a tiger.

Problem Thanksgiving?

I believe we need to quit being optimistic. While no punters would fancy us punting the likes of Stoke and WBA, we actually forced a creditable draw against them. When we entered the toughest patch of our fixtures, no one (including me) was willing to say "hey, we're gonna get something out of nothing!"

Turns out we got 1 point each from Arsenal and Man City with Chelsea giving us maximum respect when Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte decided to go defensive in the face of Señor's offensive tactical switch.

After 2 points dropped at the expense of Wes "not Kanye West" Morgan's illegal slap and Marten "he fights like a marten and runs like the Roon" De Roon's sudden acid trip, many are predicting a must-win match that will end up with a win. For us no less.

This comes to mind a certain match at London 2-3 seasons back. We're still in the Championship and Millwall was under the leadership of Ian "that barking mad Ian" Holloway. No one expected us go on an early Boxing Day shopping spree. Turned out we got ourselves a London turkey stuffed 6-1 (or was it 5-1?).

So will we get a 4-0 win? After all, our performances have defied the form book so as to speak. Now let me use an analogy here: There's this beautiful eligible bachelorette in DDR. You never let your thoughts wander on whether she likes you. Then out of the sudden, she did something weird. Photos she previously kept private on FB were made public. Not through a hacker (since FB is founded by a Jew and I'm sure Tim "he nearly got cooked" Cook isn't one), but rather out of self-volition.

What I'm trying to say is not whether said beautiful eligible bachelorette is really attracted to me. Rather, assuming we'll enjoy another Thanksgiving turkey outing is like assuming that beautiful eligible bachelorette really has a thing for me. Simply put, it's... well... *bleep!* *bleep!*

I'd rather be cautiously optimistic here. Optimistic because we have form and quality. Cautiously optimistic because no one had expected a local talent to be better than a foreign talent.

 4-3

The three amigos

I need to say something about whether we need to beef up our defence. Lately, we're linked to Harry "not some Pothead" Maguire and Neven "never a sabo'tic" Subotić. Let me be this frank by saying we don't need a 3rd bloke for the centreback role. Unless something disastrous happen where both our first choice centrebacks got crocked, there's no point for us to spend needless money. In particular, Subotić would have been a great addition if not for this guy below.

I'm not referring to Arsène "Mourinho's London home set on fire, bobbies suspect arson" Wenger. Rather, I'm talking about his 16 million GBP man. I like Calum "Calum's got talent" Chambers. He's shaping up just fine without Subotić's signature. Initially, I feared the worst when Señor decided to pair him up with Ben "Le Prince" Gibson. That was against Tottenham. Poor lad got roasted in the first half, he picked himself up come the next half. From there onwards, he matured strength to strength. Against Les Gunners, Daniel "El Ratón III" Ayala did his part to ensure the opposition was reverted to Les Goners. In other words, we have depth. Given the physical demands of Señor's tactics, it also means there no point signing a 3rd guy only to give him a place in the U-21 squad.

One worrying thing about him though is the likelihood of going into pieces against an opposition favouring pace and physique as the firing squad. I've already mentioned Tottenham, Liverpool's goal rush against Arsenal coincided with Chambers starting as a centreback. Against Leicester, it's the same old problem minus Morgan's illegal slap. In particular, raising an arm so damn high is a cause for concern. Against Chelsea, Diego "El Bestia" Costa bullied his way into scoring. Guess who lost his composure even if it's for a mere few seconds?

If Hull decide to play it deep, chances are that Chambers won't have an implosion issue. If Hull decide to pick a fight against our backline, that's where the problem will come. That lad is good, just that he needs to work on his mental strength. At least Joe "he ain't a lass named Allen" Allen has improved greatly on his composure, that's why Mark "not Maes" Hughes signed him. This is where Víctor "El Gato" Valdés and His Royal Highness Gibbo can do something to help. Valdés needs to let his personal heroics do the motivating while Gibbo Jr needs to assure Chambers that he and another central mid will always have his back. Yes, I know it's a crap idea. But hey, something needs to be done before #TeamRoboKlopp decides to shove that poor lad into the footballing gas chamber once more (no Holocaust jokes please. I happen to know my history even though it was Borat who taught us S'poreans about the Jews).

Antonio "El Mariachi?" Barragán, I don't know what to do with him. When Señor signed this guy, critics thought he's gone barking mad like Ian. We have a strong defence in the dressing room, where is this amigo gonna play? As it turned out, Barragán has been a revelation so far. As our default rightback, his transition play is that damn good. At the same time, he's not that kind overlapping player Justin "not a Beliebor" Hoyte was when Mogga was still the boss. However, I have a problem with him. Don't worry, it's not personal even though the daughter of Peter "gotta catch 'em all!" Lim may have been subjected to racist comments even though we signed this guy from Camp de Mestalla (note: I'm just a Chinese Singaporean, not someone related to the Lims since I share the same surname as this historic fellow below).

I don't like Roger "ref should have been Kanye West" East. Then again, I don't expect Mr East to like me as well. A lot may have been said on our 3 penalty calls gone unheard, but the Watford faithful would also point out Barragán's continual existence despite the fact that he should have been sent off. Let me be frank, that amigo had a horrible game. Against Leicester, we'd be given the wrong karma if someone like Riyad "first name sounds like Riyadh, last name sounds like Jason Mraz" Mahrez was deployed on the left. Already Marc "not from Marc Jacobs" Albrighton was having fun down the left. Period. Unlike Chambers, I can't find a tactical reason behind his occasional meltdown.

Ultimately, the only way to ensure both the foreign talent and local talent remain safe is to form an effective shield at the defensive right. That's the only solution I can think of.

Adama "we got the correct Traoré" Traoré has got plenty to learn. On the first glance, he's most likely the go-to guy from the counter-offensive dept. I've seen some of his tricks, let me first get the bad and ugly out of the way first: He really needs to up his final ball. It's not just about decision-making, it's also about the accuracy. Right now, he's merely a black Mark "Scud A" Philippoussis. The forceful style is there, ditto for the mobility and pace. However, he needs to be more like Roger "the Fed" Federer. I'm not telling him to play like Diego "he can fight like Costa" Maradona. Rather, he needs to be calm yet quick on his feet. Against Leicester, his crosses were dealt with easily, RoboHuth or no RoboHuth. Against Hull, he can't afford to have the same thing happening again. Difference between Leicester and Hull lies in the bus parking. Against us, the Foxes had no reason to do that. Against us, please be very sure that Hull will park their own Bas Kilang (i.e. basically a type of bus made in Malaysia). I won't want to give him too much stress though. He's a grown-up man, not some 12 year old Singaporean kid taking the PSLE. Hone the passing/crossing first. Then we can continue talking later.

Now let me say the good things. Or rather the good thing since we all know how fast he can run. His first touch. His first touch is that one thing I noticed apart from the standard fare of pace and mobility. He's not afraid to take risks on this end, some of his passes done on a first touch basis would have gone to Row Z if we're talking about the average player.

Note: This guy is NOT the Madrid half of the Super Sergio Bros

My advice to Señor? Hull will most likely plug the game from the front till the midfield. As for the defence, it's tactically possible for them to play deep in this way so long the rest of the team are willing to run back. Mike "pretty sure his bro isn't Dave" Phelan would have seen videos on Álvaro "sSolo para siempre?" Negredo when it comes to scoring goals. To put things in a nutshell, both goals against Leicester were instigated by Adam "not Clayton" Forshaw's upfield ball. While it's too early to predict anything, a positive draw against WBA would have given some much needed morale boost to the opposition. This will most likely be a low scoring affair. Key to one point, three, or none would depend on whether Señor is willing to play possession across the back with our midfield forming both shield and fulcrum. If Hull wants to play deep, we have to make sure they won't breach our four by two. If Phelan opts for a more aggressive approach, we'll have to play high and compact. Drawing first blood will be Hull's aim, but not necessarily an early goal. In fact, an early goal may backfire spectacularly on them since we've proven ourselves as mentally stronger match by match. Phelan is not a moron, he should know playing against a wounded beast is a dual edged sword. Do it right and the beast will be slain. Do it wrong and... well, think I'll let a bear do the talking for me.

Credit goes to a churchmate of mine due to her famous Yellowstone T-shirt. :P

This is how you nail your target...

Tonight's fixture is anything but surreal. 3 years ago, I never foresaw the reality concerning my beautiful legal housebreaker. After all, we're two different people in two different worlds. She likes artists like Jay "not Mr Chow" Chou and Jason "not Bourne's identity" Mraz. As for me, I prefer songs like Metalingus and Foolish Heart. She likes feel-good plots while I actually have a taste for dark stories ranging from The Children of Húrin to insane stuff like Berserk and A Song of Ice and Fire. As for her heroes, they're most likely the ones played by Jesseca "the Queen" Liu and her BFFs in the drama The Queen. Me? I actually have a soft spot for bastards like Jon Snow (literally one), Tyrion Lannister (possibly one), and Archer (figuratively one).

You're right, Thory. Opposites do attract lol!

The magic formula behind Leicester City's Cinderella tale last season was down to the genius of one person. Namely Claudio "will he usher a new Julio-Claudian era?" Ranieri. His tactics may be simple, but can a simple 2+2 strategy win you the league title? The answer is no. Otherwise, England would have won another silverware post-1966. As it turned out, we're now looking at the Three Pussy Cats instead of the Three Lions; instead of a St George, we're now looking at a living Lonesome George (credit to Salted Fish for this piece of info).

Ranieri's strategy may easily boil down to a combination of reverse psychology and dressing room camaraderie. Put things this way: If I know what you're thinking about, does that mean you'll know what is my next move? The answer is no. If we're talking about 4-4-2 English style, this is something both parties know about. You know your long ball, I know both your long ball and mine. By simplifying the 4-4-2 approach, it's actually very easy for Ranieri to second guess the opponent's counter-approach. If you think he's the only one capable of doing so, however, you'll be sorely disappointed.

I don't know anything about local Spanish and S'porean Chinese, but I know this super racist song.

Why the first part's title?

The reason is very simple. It was actually her who started the first move.

Then I decided using words to woo my beautiful legal housebreaker instead of money and credit cards. (very novel, huh?).

In the same way she baited me first, the foxes of England also did the same thing. As the so-called inferior kids, they're not obligated to go forward and play the ball forward. As the so-called elite kids, the opposition was forced to play it forward.

In fact, this is possibly the reason why Leicester is now having contrasting fortunes atm. All over the European continent, the opposition doesn't have a clue to neutralize this strategy. You go forward, you die. You park the bus without the ball, the fans will make sure you die. Ofc there will always be notable exceptions. Namely, #thefootballtrollinggod himself.

On the domestic front, however, that's where things came unstuck. In England, football is all about 4-4-2. More than any other footballing ethnicity, the Anglo-Saxons are hopelessly in love with 4-4-2. If you're capable of dealing a 4-4-2 reverse psychology, then to quote Martin "he's no Donnie" Yan: "so can you."

Notable injuries?

Unless TNP is out to bluff me like those fellows from the Sky, it's safe to assume that Leicester will have to make do without Kasper "friendly ghost for them, not friendly to the opponents" Schmeichel and Leonardo "neither Italian nor the ninja turtle" Ulloa. This means one thing. Leicester is in somewhat of a disadvantage. The thing with our opponents tonight is this: They're expected to win, karma or good karma. The thing with us tonight is this: We're not expected to win, genius or no genius.

Knowing Ranieri for who he is, I'm very sure he won't need any encouragement to tell his players this. Knowing Señor, he will tell our lads not to back down from a fight.

The good thing with our defeat against Chelsea is this: We have shown the stomach for a fight, no matter which team we're dealing with. It's not a matter of win, lose, or draw. It's not a matter of losing 1-0, 2-0, or even 20-0. So what if we're to face Barcelona? To quote the Rock: "IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!!"

A lot has been said about our guts, but what about the firing squad? We're organized like brothers taking the black, we defended like Ned Stark's bastard against those offensive wildlings. As a tactician, Señor thinks more like someone in red rather than someone in blue.

Being the lone amigo upfront, one can't help but feel sorry for Álvaro "solo para siempre" Negredo.

Dear fellow amigos in red, this is my happy face.

Then we have Jordan "he's no Air Jordan" Rhodes who may (not) be leaving us anytime soon. Defence prevents losses, but goals win you matches. Period.

The encouraging part last week is this: Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte opted for a defensive approach upon the clock winding down. Against a newly promoted team, this can be interpreted in two ways. Either you're playing the coward (i.e. Il Bestia was guilty of breaking character) or you know the opposition can and will not be fixed that easily (i.e. we're guilty of breaking pundits and punters alike). Thing is that Señor opted for a more attacking approach by that time. Given the gap in quality, surely we're opening ourselves up for the second goal for the sake of an equaliser which may never come (and never come, it did).

I'm seeing encouraging signs instead of pundits and tipsters moaning about boring Boro (ironically, Gareth "Sir Gawain or Sir Beaumains?" Southgate was the one who first tried breaking our character post-McClaren years before Mogga came along). Period.

My advice for Señor? I'm seeing two of the most dangerous running men here. Namely Marc "not under Marc Jacobs" Albrighton and Riyadh "first name sounds like Riyadh, last name sounds like Jason Mraz" Mahrez. The former offers a direct touchline option, the latter offering trickery and movement. Ranieri will most likely be telling the likes of Jamie "life of the party" Vardy to disrupt us down the centre. It really depends on how high or deep the bus will be parked. The higher the bus parked, the more likelihood we'll be seeing defensive action from the holding mid area. Conversely speaking, it means our attack will be bearing the brunt if Leicester opts for a deep Roman entrenchment strategy. Our holding mids will either be heroes or villains. No matter how I see it, central disruption will be coming their (i.e. our 2 CMs) way. Also, it seems that Antonio "he's no El Desperado" Barragán is fast looking like our El Mariachi on the RB position.

BoA

BoA. So what does it stands for? I still remember when we're all young and stupid like a certain Brock, we enjoyed making lewd jokes at the expense of the other party's celeb idol. In fact, I recalled there was this one guy in my 32 SIB named TSJ. He was a fan of Jolin "the G-irl" Tsai and I was a hopeless fanboy of BoA.

I forgot what triggered the convo below though...

TSJ: You don't lie to me. If BoA asked you to have sex with her, would you say yes?

Me: ...

TSJ: You don't tell me your answer is no hor!

Me: Actually yes...

We all are bastards. Jon, Gendry, and me.
Can you blame me for being a reject of the society?


Okay, let's make this quick...

It's a good thing that I've commented more than once on Antonio "Il Bestia" Conte's tactic. Because I don't feel like upping links from my own handiwork, let me just summarise his strategy in a nutshell: wingbacks.

While he was a steward of Rome, an effective wingback strategy was the reason why Gli Azzurri was able to confound critics and naysayers alike. Not only does this mean Conte is intelligent, it also points to the fact that quite frankly, he's a genius. Sadly, the Roman genius met his match in the form of a Teutonic genius.

To make his 3-5-2 work last time round, there's a need to have a ball playing centreback. While it's a bummer for the correct fans in blue to see the back of John "will he be stoned?" Stones, Conte pulled off a strategic masterstroke in the form of David "he plays ball like how another David played the harp" Luiz. Previously ridiculed for being a clown, the reason behind many a joke lies in the fact that... well, he's a ball playing centreback not so unlike Stones. Under José "think he's now looking like the old O Especial" Mourinho, he was a joke because we're talking about someone who thinks like Dunga. Under Dunga... okay, let it rest. Luiz's resurrection has never been about class. He still has it. Unfortunately, telling him to do things like a stereotypical centreback is like telling a true blue creative genius to behave like a stereotypical student within the S'porean context. Which is just wrong. Plain damn wrong.

Under the eyes of a pragmatic coach, Luiz will never be appreciated. Under Conte, he flourished.

The Duke of Hazard

He's fast, he's blue, and he's Belgian. Not only is Belgium famous for the beer, chocs, waffles, and mussels, it's also famous for Jean-Claude "not Van Damned" Van Damme and the Duke of Hazard.

A lot has been said about Diego "El Bestia" Costa, but something needs to be said about Eden "the Duke" Hazard. He collects the ball like an angmoh Casanova picking up local S'porean girls, he left his markers like that damn car in the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Previously ridiculed over his flatter-to-deceive reputation, he's now the MRI under Conte. If Luiz is that artistic bloke holding down play and passing the ball beyond the midfield, then Hazard is that Messi Ronaldo Incarnate cum that son of a gun (hence the need for MRI).

While Conte's beasts still retain their commander's philosophy of controlling play via the defensive width, the 3-4-3 system is all about liberating the most dangerous player in blue right now. Namely the living footballing Hazard. Blessed with a turn of pace, the explosive nature of his speed could easily rival whatever H-bomb or A-bomb Pyongyang is now making.

In order to unleash him, however, Conte needed to have an effective foil. To hold up the ball, so that Hazard has the license to kill like Sir Sean "why so many Scottish knights?" Connery while he was still saying "The name's Bond. James Bond."

Conte's job is not just to score goals. As a centre forward, yes his job is to score goals. As part of the team, however, his job is to unleash another beast in blue.

With two effective wingbacks capable of pace and control, what this means is very simple: Riverside has to brace itself, for winter is coming.

My advice to Señor? Conte's choice of attacking 3 will define how the game is played (this is not considering, however, any changes done to the width). In the form of Costa, we have to deal with that absolute beast of a man not unlike that hulking dude lucky enough to date Emma "Duchess of Megawatts" Watson. In the form of Hazard, we have to deal with that fastest son of a gun. In  the form of Pedro "not a pedo" Rodriguez, we have a proven goal poacher whose speed is second only to Hazard. Against N'Golo 'Le Karate Noir" Kanté and Nemanja "don't call him Vidić unless you wanna die"Matić, we have to deal with hardcore central midfield pairing which would make the likes of Bryan 'RobboCop" Robson and Roy "take that, you *bleep!*" Keane go "wth has Utd been doing for the past N years?"

Ultimately, we need to play this brave. We need to dig in deep, we need to force Conte's hand by limiting the ammo supply to the width. Far better it is for us to let the do that than for Chelsea to run riot via ammo supply from both the centre and width. We don't have to play it deep, that's too intiutive. We have to play it smart by parking the bus at the centre. Our back 4 need to be at their finest best, we'll need 7 BFF Jews instead of just one BFF Friend. The moment we can limit Costa's positioning (read: do not let him anywhere in the 20 yrd box if possible at all), we have a chance of winning this (or at least getting something out of nothing). There has to be a consistency when it comes to the first person to the ball within the firing line. The identity of that fellow will define how Conte will play his final 3rd strategy. Will he be El Bestia or the Duke of Hazard? That's the most important question of the match.

P.S: I'm gutted to say that we only have a Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez as the answer to Conte's firing squad. Then again, who knows we may some kind of 3rd party intervention?

Steve was right during my NSF days.
I should start thinking like a normal S'porean.

Beauty and the Beast?

Come next year March 17, we'll be seeing quite a bit of English flair. Aptly entitled Beauty and the Beast, it stars Emma "Duchess of Megawatts" Watson as the titular Belle Dan "not the judge" Stevens as the titular Beast, and Luke "the Bard" Evans as Gaston (not to be confused with our very own Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez).

Very soon, we'll be seeing Beauty vs the Beast. Namely, Man City versus Middlesbrough, superstars versus the ugly ducklings, Hermione Granger versus Dobby the House Elf. Ironically, this will also pit one established genius against an upstart genius.

Ladies and gentlemen, I officially give you...

Genius and the Bastard

Don't we all hate bastards? They're ill-disciplined, ill-educated, and... well, perhaps a wee bit retarded as well. However, the British have a funny way of expressing their appreciation for such characters. It's called that son of a gun. William the Conqueror was also known as William the Bastard, do you know that? In a Song of Ice and Fire, the most memorable heroes are actually bastards, do you know that?

If Pep "El Genio" Guardiola is the genius, who then is Le Bâtard d'Singapour?

50 mins left, let's make this quick...

I'll go straight to the point like a beast going straight for the jugular. Who are the key men under Pep and his merry guards? Is it Sergio "Izuna-kun" Agüero? As much as the pundits like his goals and derring-do, my answer is "not him". Is it John "will he be stoned by end of season?" Stones? As much as plenty of pundits are gushing over the next great English hope since Greece 2004, my answer is "not him". Is it Kevin "der Brynhildr" De Bruyne? As much as plenty of pundits enjoy seeing him making a fool out of Pep's ex-enemy, my answer is still no.

Just get straight to the point, bastard!

Let's go for the jugular, let's talk about 4-1-4-1. It's nigh impossible to predict Pep tactically, therefore the only way is to try predicting him in terms of strategy. 4-1-4-1 in his dictionary basically reads like 4-3-3 post-transition. To make this work, two players are of utmost importance. Or rather two positions. The first one is that 5th amigo at the back. In which is this case is Fernandinho. The second one is İlkay "der Gandr" Gündoğan.

As the 5th amigo, Fernandinho's job is dual-fold. He's the first man in the defensive line. In this case, he's a ball winner. Yet at the same time, he's also the first man to pass the ball. In this case, he's a ball passer. With a 4 man midfield in front, it means he can be afforded the luxury of making choices with the ball. This is unlike the 4-2-3-1 approach done by Manuel "hope he doesn't dive like a peregrine falcon" Pellegrini where there's more space for counter-offensive teams to exploit via 3 attacking mids instead of 4.

Then we have der Gandr himself. This guy is a monster, someone who is strong with the ball. Quintessentially the Tiger Strong of the squad, he shields the ball well and passes the ball with short/mid range precision. He's no Toni "Stark" Kroos where the ball can be released 30 yards out like some kind of insane repulsor beam launcher. However, the presence of De Bruyne means he doesn't have to do an Iron Man anyway.

It's no coincidence that der Gandr and Izuna-kun combined very damned well in a short span of time. Tennis world may be mourning the death of Santina, but the footballing world may now be popping the champaigne on the birth of Gündoro.

My advice to Señor? Don't park the bus, that'd give De Bruyne another chance to mock his ex-boss in the same way Taylor "gone (swiftly) in 60 secs" Swift has always been dissing her 7 (?) Evil (?) Exes. Don't play it high because we're no Liverpool, we don't do der gegenpress. City will be making plenty of noise in the wake of beating Barcelona, something which may haunt Sir A.Fergie in ages to come. Play it in between the defensive 3rd and middle 3rd. If der Gandr gets himself forward, the onus will be on our defensive spine. If De Bruyne moves forward, it means both our BFF leftback and whoever on the right must steel their resolve (with that being said, De Bruyne does have a better passing range). The offensive width may look scary (actually, it really is), but it merely means we need to break and counter at a breakneck speed. If the chance comes to pull the trigger, consequences be damned and just shoot. I don't care whether it goes in or not. Just fire it like Han Solo.

P.S: I don't expect us to get anything out of this match, but if we do... well, let's just dedicate it to my fellow bastard who deserves some reprieve after getting scolded by an old... okay, think I should just let it rest.

Foreign Talent vs Local Talent

Don't we all enjoy being a mob of xenophobic monkeys? From reprisals to those gay keyboard warriors, every local S'porean's favourite topic will forever be something like "is the chenghu right in introducing the foreign talent scheme?" or "was that PRCFT insinuating that S'poreans are actually Ulstermen/women and that the famed Cú Chulainn is for real?"

Foreign Talent vs Local Talent

The problem with England right now is basically the same excuse apologists(?) tend to say when they prefer hiring a foreign talent rather than a local talent. In other words, foreign talent means true blue talent while local talent means fake talent. While I'm sure such localphobics (don't bother looking up on Google. I made this up on my own) are basically the retarded minority, the sad fact with England is that we do not really know the difference between a foreign talent and a local talent when it comes to Engrand and its Three Lions. Or is it Three Pussy Cats?

Plenty has been said on too many chances given to the foreign talents, but how many local English/British talents are recognised as foreign talents in just about any nation beyond the English Channel? Already, it's impossible to recall the last bloke who actually pulled off such a feat.

Okay, that may be a lie since Joey "I have a baton, I have a man" Barton did become a Frank albeit temporarily. Apparently, Didier "Monsieur Bleu" Deschamps doesn't like Anglo-Saxons in the same way S'poreans don't like Sun Xu. So much for the Hundred Years' War.

Before I continue, let me first out a disclaimer...

I don't consider myself a localphobic even though someone once said I look like Sun Xu. Unfortunately for the conspiracy theorists, my surname is Kuok. To compare me with Sun Xu is like saying Sun Ce was actually more intelligent than Guo Jia and that Sima Qian was lying when he said Xiang Yu lost the fight against Liu Bang.

However, I'm no xenophobic as well. After all, I'm pretty sure there have been outstanding local talents attending universities like West Sydney University, University of Newcastle, and Charles Sturt University. Earlier today during work, there's this music fest in my workplace. There's this black lady (not a Tamil, mind you. I can differentiate between a Tamil and a black bloke in the same way everyone can differentiate between President Obama and Prime Minister Modi) who really sang very well. I really like her vocals. Period.

Note: To prove that I'm not whatever-phobic, I decide to tag SGH once I up this on FB.

Add Note: FB banned me from pulling this off. :P

Don't we all love the Brits/English?

After all, Sir Stamford Raffles was a Brit. His BFF William Farquhar was also a Brit. In fact, George Washington and the first white Aussies were also Brits. From that small cluster of islands, we received plenty of Arthurian tales, (heroic) dogs like Cú Chulainn, Fergus mac Róich, Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, and Fionn mac Cumhaill, and... well, Mr  Bean and his Black Adder.

Not to mention the fact that Goldmember is somewhat inspired by the Brits as well.

Unfortunately, the massive cultural worth in the UK merely means football as a sport has hit a downward spiral ever since the late Sir Alf Ramsey managed to pull off a feat which Aaron "he's Welsh" Ramsey can only dream of. Closest shot to glory in the last few decades was Euro 96 where Gareth "Gawain or Beaumains?" Southgate was crucified for losing it like Beckham. Whether Southgate will become like his Arthurian namesake or the next Sir Gawain hinges heavily on how the English midfield will work. That plus his man management (note: I never have a problem with his tactical acumen unlike Alan "Captain England" Shearer or David "trolled by the football trolling god" Beckham. Lack of experience in dealing with every ego the size of a Swedish titan is my main concern). Just don't give me credit if the Three Pussy Cats manage to re-evolve into the Three Lions.

The Once and Future Knight

So far (not) so good, any hope of Lonesome George reverting to St George may have been brutally quashed by the FA. Just like the Normans ruling over the Saxons during the era which gave us blokes like Robin Hood, King Richard, and Prince John. While 'tis only natural for critics to call Southgate "just another Athelstane", it must be pointed out that only a full retard would expect a Wilfred of Ivanhoe to be the next England boss. Period. Glenn "smartest bloke in the room" Hoddle would have been such a man if not for the fact(?) that he's a fan of Eat, Pray, Love. No thanks to that BSOD moment of his career, Hoddle can only afford to be Cedric the Saxon. Still, he's most likely the smartest bloke in the room when it comes to coaching. Which now comes to this bloke below.

If even Signor Capello's Roman approach couldn't fix the opposition in the dressing room, what makes us think the likes of Cockney Harry and Big Uncle Sam would be the final solution? The Three Pussy Cats have got nothing to lose, same goes for Lonesome George.

I really enjoy exercising my freedom of expression. Period. I don't know about you, but I noticed Eddie "The Once and Future Knight" Howe way before the likes of Gary "not Neville" Lineker (and just about any pundit in Sky Football) decided to tout him as the real Sir Galahad. If you think I'm releasing the horse behind cannon (i.e. 放马后炮 if you can understand simple Chinese), you're wrong. I still remembered fondly the first time we met Bournemouth. We're still the northeast chumps in the Championship, that was after Simon "not Williams" Grayson left the Cherries. Against a young manager totally unheard of, we're pretty cocksure of three points in the bag. After all, we have Mogga. Big mistake on our part. Against the proven master, the untested upstart proved his mettle. Adopting a 3-5-2 formation hellbent on preventing us from breaching the middle 3rd, Howe taught every pro-FT cynic that not every local talent is a fake talent. Howe is no Catalan, there's no point for Bournemouth to play the ball like Barcelona. He's not from Saltburn-by-the-Sea, you don't expect him to adopt Mogga's cavalier approach. Howe's philosophy not only reveals a shrewd tactician like Edward of Woodstock, it also hints at what England should have been. He proved to the critics that it's possible to fuse blood and thunder with mind and wind. Syrio Forel may be a foreigner in the North, but Arya Stark is not.

A brief look at the key men

Two men stand out from the rest even though football is all about twenty blokes running after the ball and two more blokes standing between the sticks. When Howe decided to sign Jack "Gunner Jack" Wilshere, critics thought he's off his rocker. After all, Howe is a tactical genius and geniuses are known to be barking mad (however, it must be noted that not all madmen are geniuses since ISIS is now mired in trouble at Mosul). In the same manner Calum "pushed into the gas chamber by some German Klopp" Chambers' loan deal has turned out to be a case of "accidental" success, the same goes for Wilshere. In the world of modern football, only two English managers can boast of world class man motivation. Neither of them being international names, Howe happens to be one of them. The other one? Sean "still not a douche" Dyche (last time I checked, Dyche is the only person other than Chris "still a Seagull and not some big fat albatross" Hughton who can bring out the best from Barton sans the worst).

The problem I have with English tabloid media lies in hyping up things which are non-existent. Of course not every hype is fake, but it merely means no hype is real unless proven. 12 years ago, Wayne "more of a Robin than Batman?" Rooney entered the gates of Greece like Ajax the Great. No thanks to the patronising attitude of the tabloid media, Rooney soon(?) became Ajax the Lesser. Same goes for Wilshere, now Ross "his mate doesn't play in NBA" Barkley is also staring at the omnipotent Curse of Gazza. Thankfully, Wilshere made the right choice in choosing the south coast rather than some other teams in London. Say for instance West Ham where you wouldn't know whether the weed is legally imported from the Netherlands. Ironically, that's (sorta) how Wilshere got himself into trouble. At least Ali G never trolled him, so I guess it could have been worse.

The second man in my firing line is Harry "Le Artillerie" Arter. My fellow Boro-thers-in-arms would have recalled with much vitriol on how we conceded a penalty no thanks to him. That was years ago, I've learnt that what goes on in the 90 minutes should remain within that 90 minutes. Even if we're to talk about whether Darius "he's no king" Henderson is technically the equal of Diego "I swear not to fight like Costa" Maradona.

Previously deployed at the right end of the midfield, no one expected Le Artillerie to be deployed at the holding mid area. By right, this is more of Gunner Jack's territory, not some unknown Harry. Yet, this move proved to be another strategic masterstroke from the upstart who have done more than enough to prove himself.

Tactical mechanics

While Junior "Stan the man" Stanislas' undoubted flair may be sorely missed (depending on whether he will be back like Arnie), Bournemouth's attractive counter-attacking football hinges mainly on the spine. More specifically the Arter-Gunner tandem. In the form of Callum "he's no Mr Wilson" Wilson, Howe has a lone striker who can punish us anywhere across the attacking 3rd. With Joshua "not the son of Nun" King providing a viable threat through either cutting inside or burning the touchline, it's only natural for us to imagine Gunner Jack playing the ball anchor. Deployed at hole 9, it means any counter-offensive move will most likely begin high up rather than from the back.

Just behind him, Le Artillerie will either position himself in front or just behind. His pace off the ball is basically the most dangerous weapon in Howe's hand. If Wilshere is to be that ace of spades, then Le Artillerie is that joker of the deck who can wipe the match at death.

My advice to Señor? This may easily be a tough fight for us. After our shocker draw against Les Gooners (I won't call them Les Goners since it's still too early to call the shots), it's only natural for optimism to hit row Z. We can't defend like what we did against the gunners of Les Gooners, the fans will turn on us. Howe will most likely play it high with more than just a few lightning fast counter-punches thrown at us. He has the players to do it, trust me when I say he will. Who gets to play at the attacking width will define the outcome of this match. If we screw this up, I won't be surprised if the local talent down south will take all 3 points from our foreign talent up north. With that being said, I'm pretty sure the likes of William Hill and Ladbrokes would have already closed shop over whether Adama "we signed the correct Traoré" Traoré will start ahead of Cristhian "he's no Arnie" Stuani.

P.S: A real bummer if I say so myself. In  Le Artillerie, Howe has his own Lars Alexandersson. In the form of Gunner Jack, Howe has his own Gun Jack. If only we have someone who looked a little wee bit like Nathan "not some botak Jones" Hartono.


Add P.S: Sorry guys and gals. HTML coding slapped me with a left sided gridlock. Even Blogspot is in awe of Tekken. Bad father threw son over the cliff, son became badass and threw bad father over the cliff, bad father threw badass son over the cliff (again!), turned out that years later a badass grandson appeared.

Final P.S: If there's any typo (and I know it will), I apologise. I'm no guy in red.

GGG

Googled for GGG just now 4 teh lolz. Apparently, it has got nothing to do with a gargantuan pair of boobs. Rather, Wikipedia offered more than 1 type of the GGG. Which now comes to my very own GGG. Not GaoGaiGar, but rather Gooners Goners Gunners. Before that, however...

Return of the Mou

When I say the Mou, I don't mean the MoU. Below is the definition of MoU.

Taken from the FAS website. If possibly, I don't need Drew & Napier to make me famous.

As for the Mou...

It's good to be back. Or is it, should it, and will it? Up against his Man Utd will be Chelsea. It's like a script taken straight from a Korean drama where the male protagonist's current girlfriend has to do battle with his ex. Let's take a look/recap at the respective tactical core.

Let me be this brutally frank. While the red grudge match last week was anything but a looker, tactical purists would have nevertheless called this a piece of tactical masterpiece from O Especial himself. If there's anything to go by, he may have unwittingly told any team ranked 15 to 20 on how to remove a screw or two from the RoboKlopp machine.

As for Chelsea, it remains to be seen what Il Bestia himself can do for the rest of the season. A brief look at the Old Trafford dressing room would betray a decent semblance of change. The presence of Paul "Le Chevalier Noir" Pogba and Zlatan "Le Usurpateur" Ibrahimović proved that O Especial would stop at nothing to create his own team asap. Bad news for Wayne "not De Roon(ey)" Rooney?

Unlike his special counterpart, Il Bestia has to wrangle with his current's ex. This is still that O Especial team, not Il Bestia team. In order to one-up his current's ex and prove that he's good enough for his current wife, he has to make a damning choice. Should he bite off the spine of his team or tear apart the limbs? When we talk about the spine, we're referring to the likes of Gary "quite a different type of Cahill" Cahill, Nemanja "don't call him Vidić" Matić, and Diego "he fights like Maradona" Costa. When it comes to the limbs, I'm talking about both the defensive and offensive width.

Make no mistake about it, O Especial holds the strategic royal flush in this matchup. Il Bestia's tactical core relies heavily on two intelligent wide men who happen to be technically good as well. Against Utd, Il Bestia can afford to boss the ball but not necessarily the match. Against his ex, O Especial can afford to boss the match without bossing the ball. Be warned, footballing purists. You're far likelier to go bald than Pep "not that other Pep from the retail pharmacy" Guardiola. Tactical purist, rejoice. You're way likelier to end up like Scott Evil by the end of the last(?) Austin Powers series.

If there's anything Il Bestia can do to get something out of this match, it would be unleashing the beast in another Bestia.

Problem GGG?

Don't we all like to see goals? To the tactical purists, scoring is the best end to any means. It's like Go Dok-mi choosing Enrique Geum by the end of Flower Boys Next Door (in a shocking show of Asian clairvoyance, we got another Enrique arriving at the former Enrique's beloved football team).

For the literal purists, scoring goals is like having Park "not the 대통령" Shin-hye while scoring goals and winning matches is like marrying her before she reaches her third decade.

As for Arsenal, they're just way too used to heartbreak after heartbreak. Either they're called Les Goners (by the neutrals) or Les Goons (by the Spurs faithful).

Yet, Les Gunners have been firing high and on all cylinders so far. It's like the north London remake of GGG.

The first G used to be known as more of a Xavi than a Messi. The second G was forced to carry his band of brothers like how Private Ryan needed to be saved instead of saving people. The third G was known to be too fast, too brainless. Fast forward to now and how much has changed?

For starters, Mesut "still assists like every local S'porean girl's dream boyfriend" Özil has stepped up to the plate so far this season. Apart from assisting others like a true blue S'porean gentleman, he has also evolved into somewhat a more selfish player. In a good sense no less. Just as it's a good thing for every girl to have a jealous boyfriend (so long he doesn't go all psycho and paranoid), it's good to see this Ottoman German getting himself into the fray in the name of scoring rather than just being the best mate. His is a story of every best mate and bridesmaid here. Not just in the world, but also in S'pore. From standing behind your BFF and her beloved bridegroom to becoming the bride to your bridegroom. Feels good? I know it does. Same for this Ottoman German.

As for Alexis "that smokin' (gun) Alexis" Sánchez, he no longer has to carry the team like how Private Ryan needed to be carried. Despite Olivier "Le Chevalier d'Londres Nord" Giroud's somewhat(?) patchy form, Özil's successful attempt in self-upgrading ensured that Les Gunners is no longer a one man mecha. While it remains to be seen on who will assume that much vital lone avant-garde, having two Gunners hell-bent on making goners out of the opponents is bad news. Really bad news for us.

Now onto Theo "are you watching, Chris Waddle?" Walcott. Previously (and rightfully) ridiculed as a birdbrained roadrunner who can never outsmart that Wile.E Coyote, he has evolved quite nicely. Going by the words of Le Professeur X himself (after all, a football team is like a beautiful woman. Just don't ask me about Man Utd), Walcott is like some crazy girl you met during high school prom. Fast forward to now and you realised she's actually Amanda "unrelated to Bynes" Seyfried. Yes, this is a form of hyperbole from yours truly. Currently, Walcott is intelligent enough to play the role of a striker (albeit he's no Messi). Le Professeur X deserved credit for that. While he's not exactly the kind of man motivator like RoboKlopp, we have to acknowledge the fact that he's an exceptional teacher and nurturer of young talent. If only MOE can hire him after he retires.

Out of the GGG listed above, special attention must be given to the way Le Professeur X plays his football. A proponent of the more continental 4-2-3-1 rather than the more British 4-4-2 (ironically, the French are not above using 4-4-2 as well the last time I checked), the presence of Sánchez and Walcott out wide means Özil will have the license to assist and kill like 007. However, this also means that Les Gunners must have an effective foil to enable the Ottoman German to take the fight to the opposition like a true blue Ottoman Turk. Previously, Özil was incapable of making the most out of any 6 footer in the penalty box. I won't be surprised if it's down to a lack of tenacity and fight once the 20 yrd box loomed into view. As such, Sánchez was forced to carry the team like how Private Ryan had to be carried last time round (read: Özil was merely one of the 9 other players who became fans of the bottle). This time round, it seems that we may be seeing a more aggressive Özil. Someone who schemes like Tyrion Lannister and fights like Jon Snow.

Which now comes to the most interesting question. Who will assume the role of Sandor Clegane? After all, one of the most common criticisms leveled at Le Professeur X lies in a lack of steel and bite. However, it must be known that the Hound didn't commit verbal treason while sitting back and chilling out. Assuming Le Chevalier d'Londres Nord can't recover in time, it most likely means a toss up between Lucas "not El Dinero of Madrid" Pérez and Alex "yet to become Obi-Wan Kenobi" Iwobi. Whoever starts will have a certain bearing on how the match will go. Tactically ofc.

A/N: Santi "El Alquimista" Cazorla's show or no-show may impact Les Gunners more than what we might think otherwise. His versatility is one of, if not the chief reason why Les Gunners is still Les Gunners despite years of being ridiculed as Les Goners by the men in white.

The Stuani-Arnie conundrum

Señor is now feeling the heat. While it'd be foolish to dismiss what he has done for us in our push to the Promised Land, there are fears that we will be banished from Avalon come end of the season. We will get to see the likes of Ian "is he now officially sane?" Holloway on MotD while Alan "Captian England" Shearer will be mocking our failure even though he can't make the cut as a manager (at least I'm pretty sure Gareth "Gawain or Beaumains?" Southgate is tactically smarter).

Plenty has been said about Señor's apparent stubborn decision not to play two up front. Talks of reverting to 4-4-2 is pure nonsense. Formation can only get you this far when it comes to understanding the real deal called tactics and strategy. Denial of this fact means you're no smarter than Piers"not J.P" Morgan. It means you only know how to mock other teams instead of understanding them. I can easily tell Señor to pull Stuani into hole 9 while giving his right wing slot to some black guy blessed with racial pace and athleticism. Two striker system, but not 4-4-2. Problem solved.

The problem lies in the lack of penetration out wide. On the first glance, Señor favours a more continental approach where we have one bloke holding down the ball (that's Stewart "they're gonna down him once he has the ball!" Downing). However, it must also be stated that Stuani's presence out wide means this is not the continental approach as we know it. We got the wrong Uruguayan out wide, the chronic lack of balance between pace and control basically gave teams the reason to park their own Irish bus. Against Watford, we got undone by a combination of poor refereeing and some human bus named Holebas (ironically, that very same ref allowed Antonio "pls don't play like Antonio Banderas again" Barragán to stay on the pitch despite that amigo playing like El Mariachi armed to the teeth). We should have gone 1 or 2 goals up by end of first half even though we should have gotten at least one penalty call. Which sorta makes this a chicken-or-the-egg debate (i.e. which one should come first, the penalty call or the first goal in open play?).

We don't have what it takes to breach that final wall of Vicarage. Period. I won't be surprised if opponents know by now where Stuani will running in the next 90 minutes. Either two flat defensive banks or a four by two. This is worrying.

To be fair to Señor, however, he did get the right Traoré instead of Djimi. Will it be a case of too little and too late? It's pointless for us to ask why now and not last season. The only two orthodox wingers we've had were Mogga's players, not Señor's. Pace wise, we're now a different deal compared to back during Patrick "Bam Bam" Bamford's days with us. Stuani doesn't have Bamford's pace, he doesn't have Arnie's aggression either.

On the other hand, Traoré needs some serious work on his final ball. Against Spurs, his pace was horribly let down by a lack of control. Against Watford, he improved a lot. Improvement is one thing, consistency quite another monster to deal with. That's why I say he needs some serious work on his final ball rather than he needed some serious work on his final ball. Notice the grammar? Please don't tell me your standard of English is worse than mine, angmoh or no angmoh, elite school or no elite school.

Assuming Señor will stick to his gun on the right, it means there has to be a way to make things work. I've been visualising the pieces on my imaginary chessboard. Tbh I can't play chess. Too many rules. Playing chess is more about training your discipline than just intelligence. Let's give Stuani the freedom of movement. Perhaps he may easily be that queen on my chessboard, who knows?

Attacking behind cover

Stuani needs to learn a thing or two about off-ball tenacity. No one is telling him to do a Joey "I have a baton, I have a man" Barton. One El Mariachi is bad enough, we don't need a Stallone.

Depending on his positioning, someone has to drift instead of Stuani. In order to prevent such strategy from being predictable as time wears on, Stuani must not drift into the centre at will. The moment he does that, we're back to square one. He should only do so at his own discretion, not at his own freedom.

So who should be the one drifting? Firstly and foremost, this strategy involves someone in a central position drifting towards the right. Ideally, it should be the correct Uruguayan (i.e. Gastón 'El Bestia Bello" Ramírez). This is to facilitate the freedom of movement for whoever's the guy Señor deployed in the centre forward role. By doing so, Stuani will have enough time and space to make off-ball decisions. Should he stay out wide and play the easy ball? Or should he start moving to the centre so that the opposition will be kept guessing the next move?

As for the left, I don't think we'd have much problem so long Downing can swing in the crosses. At the same time, we need the lone vanguardia to chip in. To fall back so that a compact attacking diamond can be enforced. This is not chasing back the ball, this is creating an effective buildup in the attack without the risk of exposure.

Yes, that will leave open a space in the hole 9 area. Exactly the kind of hole with the size of Ibra's (super) ego. Which now coms to our back 6. Lately, it seems that our BFF leftback is hitting a stick patch. While I've got no problem with his technical ability, it seems that he may run the risk of losing the ball during open play. Already, we got punished twice (if my memory is correct). Once against some London team with a Korean bloke, the other time being another London team with another Korean bloke.

At this point of time, there's no point (pardon the pun) controlling the game via a four by two. Arsenal will punish us more than the other two London teams. The reason why being that Les Gunners have always been known to favour free scoring wingers, players no different from the likes of Ryan "not Private" Giggs and the late George "Best of the best in Belfast" Best. The only way is to consolidate possession via a combination of two centrebacks and two central mids. If you can't stop them, limit them. Which now comes to my special mention below.

We need this guy to be at his best. Marten "runs like a Rooney, fights like a marten" De Roon. Boasting an impressive record of interceptions, we need this bloke to prowl with freedom and impunity. While this will open up our central mid area, De Roon's positioning play can offer that much wanted support to the fullbacks, no matter whether it's the correct Antonio or our BFF. After all, we can't afford another terrible screw up. Opponents will just be emboldened and encouraged to pressure the flank. And I won't be surprised if Les Gunners happen to be one of them.

My advice to Señor? We have nothing to lose and everything to gain come tomorrow. No one will expect us to get even a point out of this match, so let us play without pressure. If we lose, at worst the correct Morgan will mock us while Shearer will give us that "I told you so" look. If we can get a draw, it means we're definitely showing something right instead of something wrong. If we win, it means UKIP will be saying "we should have stayed in EU even though they're all jerks". In fact, this match may easily be our springboard. Win, lose, or draw, we should only start asking how far we can go after full time. Being pragmatic is good, prudence is a virtue. That's why I never mention here "the next 90 mins".

3 weak, 3 strong

Just now this evening, I attended a public forum with a certain minister from the chenghu. Technically, it's really a public forum. However, it's my duty to honour the fact that it's a closed door discussion. If I sound like a Stark, it's most likely due to the shape of my face. Have to give credit to MG Chan himself though. 5 years ago, he sounds like a misfiring machine gun.

Fast forward to this evening and he really improved a lot. And to think only BG Tan was that designated PR commando 5 yrs ago...

Above vid statement was intended as my way of comparing 5 yrs ago with now. Not necessarily 100% accurate portrayal because I don't want to go too far on my politically incorrect sense of humour.

Disclaimer!

If any part of this post sounds ridiculously S'porean, pls don't blame Der Gwee himself. I may be a bastard, but I'm more of a Ned Stark's bastard rather than Roose Bolton's bastard (wait, should that be Ned Stark's bastard or Rhaegar Targaryen's bastard? Either way, still a Stark bastard). To that beautiful legal housebreaker of mine, pls brace yourself. Your future bf's inane sense of humour is coming.

International break and Pope Francis

I just realised earlier this morning that Señor pulled an atomic wedgie over Signor. Ok, that's technically a lie. 4-3 isn't exactly an atomic wedgie, let alone an atomic bomb made in North Korea. As for Maradona vs Veron...

Well, at least Captain America wins this time round...

Credit goes to the pontiff if it's true that both Argentines decided to make peace instead of continual war. The fact that Pope Francis is another Argentine may have helped. [Pls (don't) mind the *toot!*]

Hopefully the local (S'porean) archbishop doesn't see this part.

Okay, Pt Un done, now onto Pt Deux

Firstly, let me just say a bit on Mega Monday itself. Two teams known for aggression, two teams known for that father-mother gentleman (that Korean Psycho will get the joke provided he understands English) attitude towards dead ppl. Welcome to the aftermath of Munich and Hillsborough, folks.

So what should we expect from the match apart from Gary "not Phil" Neville asking Jamie "not the other Jamie" Carragher whether his dad actually behaves like this?

This will be a battle of aggression as I've implied just now. RoboKlopp had pulled an atomic wedgie over O Especial himself, that was years ago where Old Trafford had yet to embrace Japanese culture unlike SJ50. While one match doesn't define history, it must be stated that both knew each other far better this time round (or at least most likely). RoboKlopp would have known the style of O Especial by now, surely he'll want to pin Utd back by placing pressure on whoever's unlucky enough to play in hole 9. Same goes for O Especial... actually, I don't have an idea on how he's gonna neutralise the gegenpressing beyond moving up the fullbacks.

Expect plenty of running back and forth, it'll be interesting to see how many times Utd will take the fight in the middle 3rd. The moment Utd's attacking 4 fall back, it's advantage Kop. If Liverpool did the same thing... okay, Klopp ain't gonna do that, I'm very sure of that (because we all know generally how his footballing brain works).

Against Watford

I'll have to say this is a must-win game. Make no mistakes abt it, we're under the mental cosh. The West Ham draw would be seen as nothing less than a springboard, there's definitely a gap in quality between the Hammers and the Hornets (no disrespect to our opponents though. After all, you don't expect Pochetinno to say there's not much difference between Spurs and Boro quality-wise).

Watford will be spoiling for a fight (fight not as in what Joey "I have a baton, I have a target" Barton does best despite his exceptional footballing ability). While I'd have no doubt on the chances of Walter "does he drive a Maserati?" Mazzarri doing a 4-4-2 (think he did so for the first few matches or so), it'd be intriguing if he does a 4-3-3 like his past few matches.

In this match, we need to look out for 3 strong, 3 weak rule.

4 vs 5

A brief peek on how Mazzarri construct his Maserati lies in his favoured 3-4-3 formation. He tried that in his homeland of Italy. The thing with 3-4-3 lies in how the midfield is played (duh!). Italian football is far more midfield'centric than we otherwise like to think. Don't believe me, go ask this Signor below.

Problem with English football, however, lies in a different culture. While it's perfectly possible to see English teams bossing the midfield like Barca (case in point: Man City), the football there is more aggressive than being languid. Therefore, one of the main challenges facing the foreign talents lies in striking a balance between what is technical and what should be physical. In fact, there's more than one way to park a bus, Irish or no Irish. Perhaps this is why Spurs are playing like Barca atm, it has got nothing to do with Pochettino's past in Catalonia.

The challenge greeting Mazzarri was nowhere easier. To set things in perspective, Watford isn't exactly the kind of team to stroke the ball all over the pitch. Hence, Mazzarri has to decide where his Maserati engine should be apart from the midfield. Problem with 3-4-3 in Watford's circumstances lies in whether the midfielders are dynamic enough to break up play and counter from the middle 3rd. Holding down the ball is never an option (mainly because the overall level of quality couldn't allow them to do so against higher end teams). Unlike our 4-2-3-1, their 3-4-3 system isn't the best way to play ball from the deep (unless the 2 wingbacks are willing to fall back 7 out of 10 times). Opponents with pacy wingers can easily nullify the offensive width while the central midfield can go box-to-box much easier. Either you play a defensive 3-4-3 where the wingbacks or you go for broke out wide like Wigan last time round under Roberto "not Mancini" Martínez.

However, I noticed an interesting detail. And that is Watford playing a 5-3-2 at least once. The difference between 5 blokes at the back and 4 blokes in the middle (i.e. 3-4-3) lies in one man more/less. However, the fulcrum is still the same. Namely whichever line having the most men deployed. Upon pushing up the fullbacks, there's not much difference between 3-5-2 and 3-4-3. The key lies in breaking up play and bossing the ball. In other words, it's easier to do so via 5 men instead of 4.

3 strong vs 3 weak

Let me do an analogy here. Imagine me doing a 100 metre sprint race with a male radiographer 4 teh lolz (just don't ask me why must be male radiographer). Let's just assume his name is Tiger Wong (only Hokkien ppl will get the joke). If Tiger Wong is faster than me, what it means is that he'll win the race upon the two of us starting off at the same time.

Likewise, no one should expect our attacking 4 to be faster than their 3 老虎强. If you don't understand what is 老虎强, it's fine. Just translate it as strong tigers (albeit translated literally word by word, 老虎强 means tiger strong).

This is the first 老虎强

Second 老虎强

Third 老虎强

Watford will be depending on them to get the goals. With 2 pacy strikers and 1 pacy winger out wide, the key lies in two areas: Troy "not the Trojan horse" Deeney and Odion "he turns 'keepers into igloos" Ighalo. They've been with each other ever since Rudy "Get-in Rudy" Gestede departed from Vicarage Road. The partnership between the two was nothing short of scary while Watford was still at the Championship. It's not a case of one bloke scored more, the other less. Fact is, both of them proved themselves to be goal machines. With Heurelho "Hercules between the sticks" Gomes manning the last line, Watford now has a team which can easily punish teams via a smash and grab. As the skipper, it's only natural for Deeney to play at the centre (which comes to the question of why George "still BFF" Friend as the skipper instead of Ben "Le Prince" Gibson). The thing with having a centre-forward as your skipper means one thing: all the other 9 running men can rally behind him at will. The skipper is not only there to lead by example, the skipper must also have exceptional organising skill (not that he should be the only one anyway). In England, it's very rare to see a skipper playing centre-forward. More oft than not, the armband would go to either a midfielder or defender (preferably anywhere within the team spine).

As for Ighalo, his understanding with Deeney may easily shine this time round. Last time round, he played in a central role. This time round, he's played out wide. Out of position? I douibt so.

Which now comes to Nordin "later he rembat your defence" Amrabat. As an orthodox winger, his job is to whip in crosses. Sounds straightforward? Well, Deeney is the skipper after all. Which means where Deeney holds up the ball will decide whether Amrabat will cut in from the width. In fact, the recent stat count seems to indicate a player more into assists than goals. In order to facilitate the scoring prowess of the Deeney-Ighalo partnership, the ammo has to come from somewhere. Amrabat happens to be the first supplier in the firing line. If he commits himself forward more oft than not, it means something is wrong. Not with the opposition, but Watford. Ofc this is not to say he will remain static, just that he may easily do a "run less, hold down the ball more". Something which Kingsley "the black Cimmerian" Coman has to do if he wants to salvage his future.

After going through the 3 strong, let's go to the 3 weak. Sadly, the 3 weak I'm talking abt is my beloved Boro.

The first weak lies in Cristhian "he's no Arnie" Stuani. By being marooned out wide, Stuani can only afford to either hold down the ball (out wide) or drift towards the centre (off the ball). He's basically half a winger minus the pace, more of a second striker in hole 9. Sadly, Adama "hope he won't change his name" Traoré still leaves much to be desired. In football, a change in pace can reverse the tide. However, reversal without goals is like winning plenty of battles, but losing the war. Traoré's weakness now lies in his final ball. No matter whether it's a pass or shot, his pace means nothing if goals are not scored. Which is why opinions are currently divided over whether he's good enough to start regularly atm. We're not known to have the fastest legs when it comes to the attacking width (only an idiot will assume Downing can turn back the clock by downing some kind of youth potion. Lest we forget, doping is still illegal). Our next best bet in aggression out wide lies in Gastón "El Bestia Bello" Ramírez. Problem though is that his passing game will be limited to diagonal passes and crosses (which is why plenty of ppl still regard the central role as his best position. Not every player can be a Spanish Kokehead). If Amrabat is deployed out wide on Watford's left, Stuani's drifting game will be screwed. I swear he's neither Arnie the striker nor Fujiwara Takumi the drifter.

The second weak lies in our lack of goals. Álvaro "not that negro de mierda" Negredo was supposed to get us goals. Initially, the deal may have resulted in ppl thinking Jordan "ain't a son of Dusty Rhodes" Rhodes' time was over. Which is rubbish. No one offered Negredo a permanent deal, neither did Peter "gotta catch'em all" Lim agree with Gibbo to add in an option for a permanent deal. In other words, Negredo will be going home once his time with us is up. Period. The more interesting question should be where Rhodes will fit in come next season. Before we start worrying about the future, let's worry about whether Negredo will be isolated up front. It's a common tactic to leave a 6 ft Heracles alone by himself. The logic lies in holding up the ball so that his mates can do a zerg (depending on whether it's inside or outside the 20 yrd box). Problem is, the only ones who can do this effectively are the Koreans. And their zerg is not Boro's zerg. As for whether Stuani can assume the lone striker role, only an idiot will mistake him for Edinson "the footballing Edison" Cavani. And let's not assume Mazzarri won't adopt a 5 man backline. All he needs to do is to give one of the central mids the license to drop back at will.

The third weak lies in the bench. More specifically Traoré. I've already said my piece on his final ball. He's our only viable outlet when it comes to pace, yet his lack of skill in the final ball may easily put Señor into a catch 22 situation where both pace and accuracy are needed instead of just the former. Do you want pace without skill or skill without pace? Damned either way, it's like asking swing voters to decide between Clinton and Trump as the president. No bailout option. Period (ofc the bailout option exists since the U.S is all about democracy. Not everyone is insane enough to choose willingly between a hydrogen bomb and a nuclear bomb). Ultimately, we can only keep our fingers crossed on Viktor "the kingfis(c)her?" Fischer. That is provided he doesn't do drugs in the name of increased speed. We alrdy got enough of doping and Putin threatening to be the next 007 after Daniel "what's next on Craig's list?" Craig.

My advice to Señor? Be one step ahead of nearest tiger strong. Expecting the likes of Stuani and Downing to outrun the likes of Deeney and Ighalo is like expecting me to outrun Tiger Wong. I know I'm born in the year of the dog, but that doesn't make me Cú Chulainn. The moment the nearest tiger strong is behind any of our players, we're most likely done for. Our lads need to be one step ahead of the nearest tiger strong (positioning wise). As for Mazzarri's approach, I suspect he won't tell his three tigers to fly off the trap. Quite likely he'll tell his players to suffocate our attacking 3, after which the three tigers will be loosed. It may easily become a game of chess where the chessboard lies solely in the middle third. It's down to who will be faster in covering ground from the midfield to the final 3rd. Sounds a bit like Ferarri vs Maserati minus Top Gear.